to think my daughter needs to get over herself in this instance?

[missismac]

A bit of background; my dear friend died 18 months ago leaving a (then) 13yr old daughter who now lives with her Dad. This daughter and my daughter were, and are, very good (sometimes 'best') friends and classmates.

Now they're both older, they are still at school together still have the same group of friends as well as other, more separate groups of friends. They are still fond of each other but have different interests and likes. So far so good.

DH & I are names are named as carers for DD's friend should anything ever happen to him. So I feel protective toward the girl, also promised her Mum we'd watch over her.

SO to the dilemma. Girls Dad had to go away for a couple of nights with work & asked whether she could stay with us. This would mean her coming here from school with DD for two nights and going to school with her for two mornings. We have spare room so agreed on the spot. When I told DD she reacted badly and went into strop saying couldn't girl go to someone else, she didn't want her here, she'd have to look after her etc.etc.

I said I didn't think much of her attitude and left her to get over it. Girl came - all was well. The two girls spent a lot of time giggling in DD's room. Didn't seem to be any issues or problems.

Have just said to daughter "so was it as bad as you thought?" & she replied that she never wanted me to do that again & next time i should say 'no' & girl should go to someone else because she just got so 'fed up' with girl by the end. I am a bit horrified by her callous selfish attitude - the girl has no Mum FGS, and don't quite know how to get across to DD that I have some responsibility to girl and so would probably not say 'no' if asked again. Let alone tackle DD's stinking attitude.

Am I being too tough on DD, or should I kick her up the bum (metaphorically)?

YANBU, girls are unbelievably selfish and narrowminded at this age - I should know, I was one

You contradict yourself when you call Girl's mum 'my dear friend' and then say -

'not sure Girl could be classed as 'children of friends of ours' as I only met her Mum via the friendship between DD & Girl in the first place!'

Which is it?

Otherwise, I agree with coldtits. Especially with the looking at your dd's actual behaviour and not her venting.

I'd suggest that you might say to DD "This is my decision, you need not have much to do with the girl and you need not entertain her but I expect you to be hospitable and courteous to a guest in this house".

I don't have any support for the theory that DD should be 'consulted' and agree with pascoe28, when said,

"The DD is 15, for goodness sake, and whilst she lives under the OP's roof she should do as she is told.

She shouldn't be 'consulted' - she can be told in advance, perhaps - she should just accept it as one of life's little duties.

Whenever I, as a stroppy teenager, stormed off delcaring X to be 'unfair', my Mother would always respond with, "Yes darling, life's unfair!" "

(My Mum used to say that too, pascoe28 :o ).

Your daughter needs to learn that life does not always go how we want it to, and we have to make consessions for certain things/times in our lives.

It's a learning curve for her. We do sometimes have to be civil to those we do not wish to be civil too.

If it happens again let the young lady stay.

Whereas what this situation will teach her, if it is thrust upon her again, is that as long as everyone else is happy, it doesn't matter whether she is or not.

Sh has not been selfish.

I think you have to distinguish feelings from behaviour. We all have a right to feel the way we feel, and to have that listened to. We don't have the right to behave in a way which hurts others. OPs DD has not behaved badly.

OP... You really sound like a lovely person. Just wanted to say that. :)

The teen years are terrible for many and perhaps your DD has had it brought home to her that parents are not invincible and that for some poor kids, losing them is a reality. The first time I knew of a girl in secondary school who had lost her Mum early, I felt awful but not for that poor girl, for myself. I'm ashamed to admit that but I think many teen girls can be very self-obsessed and don't see out of their teen-bubbles as often as they should.

Have you asked your DD what she would do in your position? It may give her some pause for thought and at least you'd be sure that she understood the position. Ultimately, as you've said, you have a responsibility to this girl and you're seeing it through. That's a great lesson to teach your DD.

She is 15, the odd bit of selfishness is par for the course but you are doing the right thing in not letting her call the shots.

She is not being put out massively by this girl staying every now and then. She may not be keen, but tough, she'll manage.

You're doing the right thing in encouraging her to discuss how she feels, letting her vent, taking on board her feelings and making any adjustments that might help but NOT allowing her to stop this girl staying.

I don't really get some of the more naval-gazey posts - it's really not that big a deal.

And yes, I agree you sound lovely. And I think you're handling it perfectly.

So, op, you'd be happy if your dd was out for most of the weekend say, if you had Girl to stay?

Werewolf - re your earlier post; it's both. Girls Mums was a dear, dear friend but I only met her originally because our DD's were such good friends. Understand your confusion but was trying to illustrate that our family'srelationship with Girl wasn't all from my side.

Coldtits - I agree with what you say re daughter not behaving selfishly. Thinking selfish thoughts -Yes, but behaving, as you put it, impeccably. Thanks for pointing it out I will be sure to highlight my appreciation of her great behaviour to her in next conversation.

Thanks lyingwitch & jeremyvile .

werewolf - I think if DD was out for most of weekend probably Girl would be too as they spend most weekends together . I would though also be happy for DD and Girl to go out with other friends - which they also do as both have wide social circles and separate interests. I consider Girl would be living as part of the family on the occassions she stays with us & both she & DD would be able to carry on their lives accordingly.

Sounds like your dd is 1 pubescent and 2 insecure I think her reaction although frustrating, is understandable. An if I were you I'd have the other girl over again, despite your daughters reaction, just reassure your daughter. She probably feels threatened.

sounds like a bit of jealousy, I'm sure you're doing all you , is it possible she feels a bit pushed out?

You sound like a lovely family and I am sure you will all work through this and re adjust.But just a thought,maybe its the fact that you are treating the other girl as "part of the family "which is slightly spooking your daughter.Maybe she would prefer for her to stay as a frind rather than a psuedo adopted sister .I was your daughter in a situation like this ,like her I always behaved well but inside I felt like I should be the one that mattered to my mum,I didn't want to share her with someone else ,in fact the idea that she was responsible for someone else's child horrified me ,especially as I was petrified that my mum would die too.

All seems ridiculous now , and we worked it out and it was all fine in the end but I do recall A very confusing time ,I was 14.

Your daughter seems jealous but by doing the right thing (watching over this girl as you promised) you'll teach her a life lesson that she won't thank you for straight away, but that she'll remember for the rest of her life.