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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being stalked?

68 replies

OprahWinfrey · 10/02/2011 17:25

Bumped into my ex-manager at the gym a few months back. We had a very quick chat about work and my ds/dh etc. When I got home I recieved a couple of text messages from him wanting to go out for a catch up drink and a longer text saying how he can't stop thinking about me since he's seen me Hmm Please believe me when I say I really disliked him at work, and thought he was a pervert always making comments about how lucky my dh is. He'd buy me grapes which he knew I liked and put them on my desk. I never went anywhere with him at the office even for a 'team lunch' which he used to try and get me go go on.... so why would I now? I replied to the text message in my usual passive aggressive way " you have got the wrong number".

He has since started my dance classes at the gym. He's THE ONLY GUY and I just know it's because this is the class I do. It's been brought to my attention by other ladies in the class that he keeps watching me.

He has asked a friend of mine in the office if she still stays in touch with me and asked for my number because he thought there was a job I might be interested in. She didn't give it. Last night he waited around after the class to talk. I told him I don't want anything to do with him and could he leave me alone. He acted like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that he has a girlfriend. Am I imagining it? I can't now mention the text messages can I since I said it's the wrong number?

Can I report him to HR for keeping my number after 4 years? Is he allowed to have my number? Is it just freindly. Shall I change my gym? I've paid for the whole year Sad He makes me feel very uncomfortable...

OP posts:
Theyremybiscuits · 10/02/2011 17:27

Follow your instincts.

Don't like him either from what you've said.

TrailMix · 10/02/2011 17:29

Sounds well creepy. So do you still work with him? I'm a bit confused.

Out of curiousity, what does your DH think of all this?

Thingumy · 10/02/2011 17:29

Can't your dh have a quiet word with him?

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 10/02/2011 17:30

There's a lot of other stuff as well, like sending me emails asking me how I am. I've never replied to any. Also sent me a facebook message (he's not my friend!) on my birthday. I've since blocked him. I don't like the thought he has access to my information at the office. How long can they keep this? I'm worried he has my home address and get creepy feelings that he might be parked somewhere watching me. So far I haven't mentioned it to my dh as he would want to kill him. But also because I'm feeling like it might all be in my head?

OP posts:
TrailMix · 10/02/2011 17:31

Oh, wait, you're suggesting you contact your former work HR and tell them about it. Got it.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 10/02/2011 17:31

I left work 4 years ago to be a stahm.

OP posts:
Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 10/02/2011 17:32

Friends have suggested it's a coincidence he has started dance classes at the gym? Really?

OP posts:
TrailMix · 10/02/2011 17:32

It's not in your head. You have evidence - texts, emails, facebook messages. Keep and record all. Tell your DH and your former work HR. If he keeps it up, tell the police.

MadamDeathstare · 10/02/2011 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 10/02/2011 17:37

Yuck. Just reading that has made my skin crawl, so I would say your instinct is spot on. He is a creep.

Could your DH meet you at the gym a couple of times? I would definetely tell him. knowing that your DH knows and is keeping an eye out for you may well make you feel safer.

I dont know how you would get on with contacting your ex employers, but its got to be worth a try I guess.

scurryfunge · 10/02/2011 17:37

He is harassing you.

Call up his HR and ask that all your personal details be removed from their records as he is harassing you. (drop him in the shit, especially if he has accessed information he is not entitled to).

If he makes contact with you again tell him clearly and preferably with witnesses (or by email/phone) that you will treat any further contact as harassment and you will be making a complaint to the police.

AgentZigzag · 10/02/2011 17:39

The police take this sort of thing very seriously, and I think I'm right in saying that just two unsolicited/unwanted contact constitutes harrassment.

Log everything, perhaps talk to someone on the non-emergency police number?

I know you maybe don't want to piss him off or 'make' it more serious than you feel it is already, but if he's making you feel uncomfortablle after you've asked him to stop then it is stalking.

GelflinGirl · 10/02/2011 17:40

first of all i would definitely tell your husband and theres no harm in documenting every encounter (txt, phone calls, "bumping into him", gym etc) just encase he tries anything and you can show the police. It may sound far fetched but it will do no harm to have it.

I dont think its a coincidence at all. He sounds prety freaky really seeing as he wont get the message!

Dont go any further with your company and the phone thing because they may contact him and then he will know its your number. As it stands at mo he thinks hes got the wrong one.

Hope eventually this guy gets the message and leaves you alone but keep doing what your doing and ignore him

SenoritaViva · 10/02/2011 17:41

It is not in your head. This is unnatural when you have made it clear and never led the man on.

I would speak to the gym and explain what has been going on. See what they can offer.

Tell your DH, if it gets worse then you will feel terrible that you did not tell him before.
Together, draft an email stating that you want NO contact with him again. His behaviour is peculiar and makes you uncomfortable and that if he tries to contact you again you will be going to the police. It is important you do this in an email as proof. Hopefully it will make him understand and any sensible person would realise they have over stepped the boundaries and stop. If he doesn't, he is not 'sensible' and therefore the police need to be involved.

Oh, yes, and I would contact your old HR department if I were you and ask what access he has to your details.

Sorry you are going through this, I hope it stops.

peeriebear · 10/02/2011 17:41

Definitely tell your husband! I think your instincts are right on this one.

lesley33 · 10/02/2011 17:44

It sounds as if you are being stalked.

If you follow the link below it will give you advice on how to deal with stalking and other orgs that can help.

I'm worried that you left work 4 years ago and he lesis still showing an interest. Please get some professional advice as you want to do everything you can to try and nip this in the bud.

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/stalking.php

CompleteNoob · 10/02/2011 17:46

Have you told him to leave you alone?

It's only fair that you do before you start on all the HR stuff

scurryfunge · 10/02/2011 17:46

She says she has CompleteNoob

kaid100 · 10/02/2011 17:47

I think you are right about his intentions. One question though, have you specifically told him you're not interested in him? If you don't tell him this, any stalking prosecution will fail since he can argue he was simply trying to woo you, which isn't against the law until it is clear you're not interested.

MadamDeathstare · 10/02/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 10/02/2011 17:49

Not true, kaid100. It certainly makes a prosecution easier but it is not necessary to have a warning. You just need two or more occasions. Anyway the OP states

"I told him I don't want anything to do with him and could he leave me alone."

kaid100 · 10/02/2011 18:12

Oh sorry, I missed that bit.

MissyMorrison87 · 10/02/2011 18:58

Ah how strange. Tell your DH and take it to the old HR department, using the number on your phone as evidence plus any emails etc you still have.

You could maybe also speak to your gym if you want out and be honest about why?

Sounds a bit daunting but im sure the GM might understand...

Butternutsquash22 · 10/02/2011 19:05

I would speak to someone at the gym, explain the issue. If the class leader kept an eye out and noticed this guy perving looking at you, then surely they can ban him from the class? esp if you file a police complaint, and can therefore show the gym managers a police reference number to show that there is an ongoing harassment case against this guy.

screams 'creep' to me, sorry you have to deal with this

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 10/02/2011 19:31

Thanks for all your advice ladies. I've got the text messages still on my phone and all the emails he's sent. I'll get my dh to pick me up on Friday after the gym. I usually drive back myself, but the carpark is pretty quiet that time and there's a lot of woodland nearby. I felt properly creeped out yesterday looking back if I was being followed. I will mention it to DH tonight but I know he will think it's very serious if I'm mentioning it to him.

I have told the ex-manager to leave me alone. I ended up blurting it out yesterday in an annoyed manner. After the class he came up to talk and said he's tried calling my number because there was a vacancy at work that might interest me. (He didn't say about the text messages) I just said "please can you leave me alone, I'm not interested in going out with you for a catch-up drink or anything! And in case you don't know I'm married!" He just said 'Your DH is a very lucky man...' He used to say this at the office all the time. It's so annoying.

He then sent me a text message very late last night (yes, to the same phone number I said was not mine). Mssg reads: 'Sorry about earlier 'Oprah' did not mean to upset you. I will delete your contact details from my mobile.' Then I had an unknown number call me which I didn't answer. I know it's not the end. I have all the text messages and emails. But how do I get my ex-company to take off my address and contact details?

OP posts:
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