am I being stalked?

[OprahWinfrey]

Bumped into my ex-manager at the gym a few months back. We had a very quick chat about work and my ds/dh etc. When I got home I recieved a couple of text messages from him wanting to go out for a catch up drink and a longer text saying how he can't stop thinking about me since he's seen me Please believe me when I say I really disliked him at work, and thought he was a pervert always making comments about how lucky my dh is. He'd buy me grapes which he knew I liked and put them on my desk. I never went anywhere with him at the office even for a 'team lunch' which he used to try and get me go go on.... so why would I now? I replied to the text message in my usual passive aggressive way " you have got the wrong number".

He has since started my dance classes at the gym. He's THE ONLY GUY and I just know it's because this is the class I do. It's been brought to my attention by other ladies in the class that he keeps watching me.

He has asked a friend of mine in the office if she still stays in touch with me and asked for my number because he thought there was a job I might be interested in. She didn't give it. Last night he waited around after the class to talk. I told him I don't want anything to do with him and could he leave me alone. He acted like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that he has a girlfriend. Am I imagining it? I can't now mention the text messages can I since I said it's the wrong number?

Can I report him to HR for keeping my number after 4 years? Is he allowed to have my number? Is it just freindly. Shall I change my gym? I've paid for the whole year He makes me feel very uncomfortable...

Oprah, I have been stalked in the past and found that the police were very anxious to help me.

What you are describing does sound worrying and I agree with other posters that you should trust your instincts.

I understand that you don't want to tell your DH, but it might be necessary in order to keep yourself safe.

Yes, it sounds like you are being stalked. Please contact the National Stalking Helpline on 0300 636 0300 or see their website www.stalkinghelpline.org/. If you are frightened by this man you should trust your instincts as the research on stalking indicates that victims' level of fear is one of the best indicators of whether they are in danger.

My personal feeling is that you should act hard and fast to avoid escalation. This is not over reacting. Document everything (meetings, phone calls, messages) and go to the police. Tell the gym what is going on and ask for him to be removed from the class. Do not leave your dance class alone. Contact your former work to find out if they still have your contact details, and either to get rid of them or not hand them out within the company.

I'm afraid you must also tell your husband, because it may get worse before it gets better and you will need his support. You may think that all of this is overkill, but as someone has said above, it is worrying that he was a bit like this four years ago and has kept your number all this time.

Stop engaging with him AT ALL. And get a restraining order.

Agree with PPs re involving your DH and also police.
Even if it's all a big misunderstanding and overreaction on your part (and it certainly doesn't sound like it is), he's not someone you should care about upsetting or offending - as clearly he has no qualms in upsetting or offending you.
Maybe he's a stalker, maybe he's just someone who can't read social cues. Either way, he doesn't seem to take your rejection seriously, so perhaps a quiet word from a man in uniform would do the trick. Leastways, they have a record of it and his details if the harrassment continues.

Speaking from experience as someone who was the object of a stalker completely unknown to me, who chased me home at high speed down a motorway and then blocked my car into the driveway. Once the police were involved, he disappeared.

I hope this gets cleared up for you as it's gone beyond polite chitchat with a former colleague.

Just wanted to say that you should go directly to the gym's general manager. Insist on seeing him/her and tell other staff it is a confidential security matter. They should ban this guy from the gym as it seems clear he has only joined to stalk you. The class instructor will probably be a freelancer who comes to the gym just for her classes and won't necessarily know the manager or cross paths with them.

The longer this goes on without you telling your dh, them ore your dh will think there is something to hide imo.

Pls pls tell your husband. You will need his support if this goes on for much longer and he may be hurt and react badly if he thinks you have kept it from him. You cant afford to have two emotional upheavals going on at once and this stalker git is the one you really need the help on. As everyone has said, do talk to the general manager of the gym as he must not come to your class anymore (good grief - if your zumba class is the same as mine, there is quite a lot of jiggling and suggestive moves in the choreography so to have a man in there whom you find threatening must be awful!). Also log every tiny little detail. I think a visit from the coppers will probably sort it and def tell his HR and line manager and even boss. He cannot be allowed to make you feel this threatened. I have had v minor incidences of stalking in my life and they made me feel really creeped out so I really do sympathise. Good luck and keep us posted.

I had a mate who had a similar thing happen to her. You have to nip this in the bud right now by contacting the HR dept and tell them he's contacted you and ask how he's managed to get your personal details. Also, as other people have mentioned, getting your hubby to meet you at or even better join the gym class might just help.
Good luck!

Some of the reasons I'm holding back are;

1. I had wanted to return to my previous company this September when ds starts full time school. If I report this creep, will he make me look like I'm a 'troublemaker'? He is very slimey and the comments* he's made while I was at work can't be proven they were harassment. He could just say he was joking?

*Some of the examples that I can clearly remember are; after seeing my secret santa present he came up close to me and said, if he had got a beautiful lady's name for his secret santa, he would have got her the Hotel Chocolat 'Godess' for her.

Another time he told me he had googled my name during lunch (???!!!) and mentioned a facebook restaurant fanpage I had joined. He told me that employers can now have access to all sorts of information on the internet since facebook etc. He said that if an employer wanted to see your facebook page, you wouldn't be able to refuse them access. I had mentioned it to a few colleagues at the time, but don't think any of them took it seriously, just thought he was a creep. I was pregnant at the time while I was working with him, so the whole anyone fancying me might sound strange.

Btw others found him very strange and he was a loner. He was very new at work. He had been there just a few months before I started working with him. He had been made redundant from a previous company. I had been at this particular company for over 8 years, as had most people who were working there. A lot of the men would say this guy was clearly gay and had made up this lie about having a girlfriend. Confusing?

2. Which brings me to my second reason. He has a long term partner and 2 children. Or so he says. If I am mistaken and these are all coincidences, then I've put him and his whole family through a lot of stress.

3. Dh is under pressure with his work and finances etc. Telling him would make him worry and in some ways makes it all very 'serious' iykwim.

I am worried about it. I've shown the text messages to my instructor and I'll see what she does. If he continues to come to zumba, I will just leave this gym. It's been horrible seeing him all the time to be honest. I've made every effort to not make eye contact, to rush past, to make sure I'm talking to the other ladies as I walk past. I know he waits around to try and talk to me and maybe it's just time to join another gym?

I really appreciate all your advise on here and at least now I don't think it's all in my head. I think I'll call the BT malicious caller number if I get anymore ID witheld numbers. If he tries to talk to me again this week at the gym, I'll tell him that I'm going to report him to HR for having my mobile number!

Hi Oprah... hope you are OK.

Do not leave the gym without talking directly to the general manager about this. Don't leave it to the instructor; as I said above, she is almost certainly self-employed (I am a fitness instructor) and will not know what to do, or may just not want to get involved. Your gym manager should be made aware of what this guy is doing and you should not have to leave because of him. He should be barred from the gym. Trust your instincts!

Do not engage with this creep on any level. Don't talk to him or threaten him with "telling" - just do it. He has already crossed the line and he knows it. Talk directly to your company. Regardless of comments he made while you were working there, he has abused his position at work to access and use your personal contact details. He should not be allowed to get away with this. In any case, would you really be comfortable going back to work in the same place as this guy? I wouldn't. If you report his behaviour, he may well be gone by the time you want to return.

I actually think you have a responsibility to speak up about this guy's behaviour. Men like this rely on the women they victimise not wanting to make a fuss, cause trouble, get it wrong etc. - that's how they get away with it for years on end. Don't let it happen. Even if you think you can cope with this situation because you have your dh at home etc - the next woman this creep fixates on could be a single woman or a lone parent who doesn't have your support network.

Finally, I don't want to scare you, but if you are determined to keep hiding this from your dh, please tell someone else in real life - or print out this thread, write the guy's name on it and hide it somewhere your dh would find it if anything happened to you. And if that thought bothers you, you know you need to take action now.

I completely agree with wellwisher's comments above...

There is no way I would be considering going back to the same company this man works at. You've seen how bad he is just seeing him at the gym, now imagine having to deal with that every day.

I also agree that you need to tell someone in real life. If you really really don't want to tell your dh is there somebody else you can confide in, a close friend or family member? Someone who will support you and back you up should your dh ever find out and wonder why you didn't tell him?

Please don't worry about upsetting his family should you choose to speak out. You already have doubts about whether they even exist, but suppose they do you would probably be doing his partner a favour in letting her know the kind of man she's in a relationship with.

Please stop making excuses not to deal with this. As you say, it's not in your head. You have more than enough evidence now to inform the police, HR at your former employer, the gym and most definitely your husband.

This man is making you feel uncomfortable and doesn't care (in fact, he likes making you feel that way). So why should you care about him? Not feeling like you have enough evidence, or being made to fear the repercussions of telling someone should not come into it.

Please really evaluate the reasons you give for not confronting this and do something about it.

1. You will not be considered a troublemaker - you have ample evidence to show that he has been harrassing you. He is the troublemaker.

1. His family shouldn't come into it. He doesn't care about your family and the impact on them stress that keeping this to yourself is is putting you under.

1. I think you are second guessing your DH and taking the easy way out. Wouldn't you want to be told if someone in his life was making him feel uncomfortable, unsafe and worried?

I would want to know if anyone was making my Wife uncomfortable.

Tell Husband.
Phone the Police.
Inform old HR that your ex manager has kept your phone number(He might have done the same with someone else)

If he contacts you again tell him to FUCK OFF..if you can't then ask your husband to do it.

This sounds like stalking and he's got to know it's weird.

You're going to have a huge problem with your husband if you don't tell him now and things escalate. You should talk to your husband before going to HR or the police. He will hate to think you couldn't tell him.

I wouldn't leave the gym. Why should you? They should deal with him; it's obvious he only joined because you were there.

I would definitely tell HR. You really don't want to go back if he's there; he's the troublemaker, not you. Why should you avoid your old workplace because of him?

Oprah, atswim is right. Your husband will feel (at the least) very hurt and betrayed. Imagine if the roles were reversed - how would you feel if your DH was being threatened and didn't tell you, and it went on for months, and he'd posted on the internet about it and gone to the police... and still hadn't told you?

Wouldn't you feel really upset, even if you were under a lot of stress?

Oprah, any update on this? Hope you are OK :)

Yeah, I hope it didn't develop into anything.

Did you manage to broach the subject with your DH?

Not read this all the way through, but here's a link to the Suzy Lamplugh Trust. The personal safety section of thier website might interest you.