am I being stalked?

[OprahWinfrey]

Bumped into my ex-manager at the gym a few months back. We had a very quick chat about work and my ds/dh etc. When I got home I recieved a couple of text messages from him wanting to go out for a catch up drink and a longer text saying how he can't stop thinking about me since he's seen me Please believe me when I say I really disliked him at work, and thought he was a pervert always making comments about how lucky my dh is. He'd buy me grapes which he knew I liked and put them on my desk. I never went anywhere with him at the office even for a 'team lunch' which he used to try and get me go go on.... so why would I now? I replied to the text message in my usual passive aggressive way " you have got the wrong number".

He has since started my dance classes at the gym. He's THE ONLY GUY and I just know it's because this is the class I do. It's been brought to my attention by other ladies in the class that he keeps watching me.

He has asked a friend of mine in the office if she still stays in touch with me and asked for my number because he thought there was a job I might be interested in. She didn't give it. Last night he waited around after the class to talk. I told him I don't want anything to do with him and could he leave me alone. He acted like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that he has a girlfriend. Am I imagining it? I can't now mention the text messages can I since I said it's the wrong number?

Can I report him to HR for keeping my number after 4 years? Is he allowed to have my number? Is it just freindly. Shall I change my gym? I've paid for the whole year He makes me feel very uncomfortable...

It's all the other stuff as well, He has talked to my freind at work today about me. Just finding out how long we have been friends. Not asking for my number this time.

Dont talk to him at all and if he stops you ask for his girlfrend's number to speak to her....

But I would def tell DH if I was you!

second (third fourth fifth?) telling your dh. Try and be breezy about it if you think he'll go mad, but tell him definitely.

It doesn't actually sound that bad to me, I don't think he's done anything terrible at all, nothing that would make me think you were in any kind of danger.

I understand you being creeped out, but I wouldn't have thought he'd be jumping out of bushes any time soon. It would be a good ides for your DH to some to get you from the gym, just so this man can see you with him.

I think that you have done everything you need to to show that you are not interested, and he had apologised, so just see if he oversteps the line before you rush to claim harrassment. He just likes you and is taking some time to realise that he won't be with you. If he's liked you for this long (over 4 years) then I really think you should give him a break, and a bit of time to get over it. You'll probably find he disappears into the woodwork again.

Nagoo I totally disagree. No manager should have your numbers or keep them after you leave work, unless you are friends. HR would not give out anything personal about employees anyhow.

Your ex-company HR would never give out your details. If someone asks for details HR always contact the person and ask you to contact who wants them.

I would imagine if you contact your old HR they might advise you to contact the police.

Telling you over and over again that you DH is a lucky man is a form of sexual harrassment in my book. Why would a manager ever tell someone that continually?

OP - What did other co-workers think of this person??

Nagoo, I also totally disagree. I think this type of behaviour has already overstepped the line and OP is within her rights to contact her old HR and alert them to the issue. First though, definitely tell your DH and work on this problem together.

OP, keep a log of all contact incidents from this man, as you may need to give it to the police if he persists in any further contact. It sounds very creepy to me. I would also definitely talk to the gym.

He sounds dreadful but I guess as it is only yesterday that you told him that you're not interested you could wait and see whether he gets the message now you've actually spelt it out to him. Definitely tell your husband immediately though.

Have you told your DH yet? what did he say?

Haven't told dh, but did ask him to pick me up yesterday after zumba. I just made the excuse that ds could have some pizza which is nearby. Telling DH would turn this into a huge drama and he really wouldn't be satisfied until he punches the guy or something. I showed my text messages to the instructor at the gym yesterday and she said she'll speak to the manager. No more text messages from the guy. I'll wait till next week.

Why can't you just tell him to fuck off?

I know that it's not the polite thing to do but surely the quickest, easiest way of dealing with this if the man contacts you again is to tell him bluntly to fuck off and leave you alone.

That way he will be in no doubt at all about where he stands and hopefully will be less inclined to view you as a pushover who he can bully or weedle into giving in. After all, you've tried polite and it appears not to have worked so maybe rude will effectively scare him off. IME this type of creep is less likely to keep chipping away at a strong, take no nonsense type of woman.

I'd also raise the matter of personal details with HR in writing and CC a copy of that communication to the MD and to the twat's line manager so that they are all aware of his abuse of power.

I am not an advocate of violence, but I do think you need to be honest with your husband.

If I were you, I would report him to his superior at work. And I would do this soon, because this guy sounds very creepy.

Tell your DH!!!

If this gets way out of hand and then you have to tell DH you will face questions as to why you didnt mention it sooner, this kind of thing can cause problems in a relationship.

You have done nothing wrong so dont feel like you are in some way guilty of leading him on or any of that old guff.

The creep will probably not respond to your polite but firm 'leave me alones'

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to fuck the fuck off

preferably by another man-not someone who can be intimidated by him.

hes a fucking tosser and he needs telling.

I can understand why you might want to tell him to fuck off, but I think if you make the presumption that this man is a stalker (which of course he may not be) the general advice is not to contact them under any circumstances.

And definately not in an aggressive way.

Giving him any kind of the attention he's looking for could provoke him further.

It'll also show him you feel strong emotion about him/what he's doing.

I really would encourage you to tell your DH, whatever you think his protective reaction might be, you shouldn't be shouldering the worry of it on your own

Your class instructor, should be pushing for him to be banned from the class! Also he should be leaving the gym, not you.
I understand about not wanting to tell DH and cause a scene, I'd be worried about that too.
Maybe wait a day or two, see if it all calms down. If not though, you are going to have to talk to DH!

Just seen you haven't yet told your DH. Even if you think his initial reaction would be bad, I'm sure you could calm him down to being seething without the violence, and I really think this is something you need support with, rather than trying to cope with it on your own.

Haven't time to read it all, but what TrailMix said. Keep records, tell everyone relevant, esp your DP, and do not respond to him in any way, shape or form, even to tell him to keep away. He obviously sees any form of contact as encouragement. It's not you.

I think you can bar contact on your mobile, too? Check with your phone provider. You shouldn't have to change your life just to exclude him.

My first thought would be to change the gym you go to - I noticed that you've already paid for the year, is there another gym nearby run by the same company that you could transfer your membership to? I would be tempted to move to a ladies only gym if possible. Failing that, are there any ladies only classes you could go to at your gym so that he can't follow you in there? Also maybe vary the times you visit the gym so he won't know when you'll be there.

You say that you have made staff at the gym aware - also ask that a member of security walks you to your car every time you are leaving the gym. Do you have friends at the gym? Make an effort to strike up a conversation with them as you are leaving classes so that this man has no chance to talk to you, then just completely blank him as you walk past.

Yes, contact HR/his line manager at work - they must be able to tell if he's been snooping through personal files.

Agree with others... keep all emails, text messages, facebook messages, etc, as you will need these as evidence should you decide to go to the police further down the line. Any unwanted contact is harassment, so make sure you never reply to any of these messages (as others have said above, this could encourage him). Why don't you think about contacting the police on the non-emergency number and ask that someone visits you to discuss a harassment issue - they will then be able to tell you if theres enough there to make a complaint, or if not will advise you what to do next. You could arrange this appointment to take place at the police station if you don't want police to come to your house.

Finally, seriously think about telling your DH. Sounds like you could use his support right now.

Good luck.

1. Contact your former employer and talk to HR. HR files and information are confidential and using the information for his own personal gain is illegal. HR needs to be made aware of the misuse of your personal information.

1. Talk to the gym manager and inform them that you are being stalked by this person and have repeatedly asked him to leave you alone. Ask them if they can remove him from your zumba class (if necessary enlist the help of the women who pointed out the staring to corroborate your story).

1. Call the police to see if you can get a restraining order against him because of his texts, phone calls and interactions after you've told him repeatedly to leave you alone.

1. Tell your DH about what's going on and that you do not feel safe, but also tell him you are contacting his employer, the gym and the police to report his behavior.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Is noone else slightly concerned that the OP feels unable to tell her DH what is happening for fear of his over the top and potentially violent reaction?

Why do you think that your DH would go so overboard, OP? Can he not see that having a firm word with the bloke would be sufficient, rather than punching him? If not, doesn't that worry you a bit?

Regarding the ex-manager, I'm not surprised you are feeling creeped out by this. Either he is well intentioned but so utterly and completely thick skinned that he hasn't got the message (seems unlikely, but could you have 'softened the blow', not wanting to hurt his feelings? As I said, seems unlikely) or he is pursuing you despite knowing you're not interested and that he's making you uncomfortable. If your DH can restrain himself from assaulting the bloke, then I'd think him getting involved would be the best thing. And definitely speak to your ex HR dept about removing your details and this abuse of power. Is it feasible to change mobile no. & email address if this continues? I wouldn't leave the gym - that would be letting him win, but I'd get him banned if the harassment continues.

If you do not tell your dh, then it may seem to him that you have something to 'hide', and then that grows its own set of problems.

There was a man at the gym I used to go to who was forever giving me odd looks that just seemed to make me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't articulate exactly what it was, but I had to say it to the gym manager. I wasn't the only one, apparently, who had a problem with him. He was asked not to return, and I never saw him again.

Men have their need to be protecting 'their women' against threats from other men. All it usually does is make women feel that saying anything to them will make a huge deal out of anything. They have a right to their feelings, but, I feel that we shouldn't have to consider this when choosing to tell them something, or not.

Either way, I would tell him. You need him on this one.

You've now told him clearly that you arent interested. Give it some time to sink in.

If hes still a pest, tell your DH.

If a man to man faceoff with your DH doesnt fix it, next step would probably be the police.

I don't know if it'd make any difference to you OP, or even if you're still about, but I know someone who was stalked for two years, and their experience of how the police dealt with it was very positive.

They thought they were really helpful and supportive, making an effort to get in touch, giving the person advice, and most importantly, always made them feel they took it seriously.

Hope you're OK

Just tell him (email?) to cease contacting you or you'll get the police involved.

Never mind HR, id report him to the police, you just never know, besides if its reported to the police and it goes further they"ll be aware and able to act quicker. Trust your gut feeling and dont let people tell you your over reacting. Could turn out to be very dangerous.