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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To re-train for a new career when my family is still incomplete?

22 replies

bringbackaqualibra · 09/02/2011 21:00

I have one DS (16 months) and would like another DC at some point. I had always thought I would like a 2/3 year gap, and DH wants this too (ideally). I am currently trying to decide whether to re-train now, in a full on, demanding career, or to wait until I have a had a DC2, and they are at least 2. I am in my twenties so age not really an issue either way.

If I train now there will be no DC2 until DS is about 6 - no bad thing but just not really what I wanted for my family. In a way I would love to start the training now, but it will mean being away from DS a lot, as well as the big gap before another DC.

AIBU to consider this? Or just a bit mad?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2011 21:11

A big gap isn't always a problem, they're more independent, in control of their emotions and most importantly, they like helping out fetching and carrying

It's possible you might not be able to do the retraining in a few years, so why not start now?

Perhaps you can defer if another DC circumstances make it too difficult?

chocolatchaud · 09/02/2011 21:13

Having put off re-training for years myself, I would say get on with it now!

Somehow when you have DCs, time just slips away, and before you know it you are beginning to think you have left it a bit late!

BootyMum · 09/02/2011 21:20

You are in your 20s but it is also important to consider age of DH too... I would say if he is over late 30s you need to think seriously about this as fertility specialists say that male fertility generally declines after age 45yrs [also risk of congenital abnormalities increase].

So it may be risky in this circumstance to delay having DC2 for another 5/6 years?

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 21:36

There are five years between mine and they have never argued and the eldest was always so neat with the little one. Would you be able to career break then comfortably?

Write a list of the pro's and the con's and see what crops up.

Original poster

bringbackaqualibra · 10/02/2011 10:46

Thanks for the replies. I am worried that it will be even harder to train once I have two children - and it may never happen as you say AgentZigZag.
Have made a pros and cons but it's really good to hear from others who have faced similar situations.

OP posts:

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 10/02/2011 10:53

You need to decide which is most important for you, if you put off the training to have DC, what if you never do it? And similarly, if you do the training, what if DC2 never comes?

I'm in a similar position, but retraining for me will probably involve uni rather than a job from the bottom, so I'm trying for DC2 now, than will start uni hopefully part time in 2012. Then my degree will be sorted ready for them both to start school and me to go back to work.

thefurryone · 10/02/2011 10:55

What does retraining involve? Is it a long course, would it be possible to take a break during the course if you were to get pregnant?

Speaking as someone who is mid-career change (decided to do a masters ended up starting on a PhD once I'd finished this) and 6 months pregnant one year into my PhD I'd say just get on with it Initially I had thought I'd wait for children until at least my writing up stage but fate intervened. It does mean that my PhD will take longer, but there is now also the possibility that I could have a second child towards the end of the PhD and then be able to start in a job without having to settle in and then have a break for maternity leave. I am 34 though so time really not on my side.

The other thing to consider is how you would feel if it took you a long time to get pregnant again which could leave you with a big age gap and a huge delay in even starting the retraining.

FiveOfOneTwoOfTheOther · 10/02/2011 10:58

Do it now.

I kept putting it off after my first one then two more dc came along and now I am having to undertake it with three in tow. It would have been so much easier with just the one.

reddaisy · 10/02/2011 11:03

I also want to retrain but I made the decision to put off the retraining until my family was complete.

I am now pregnant with DC2 and hope to start my retraining in September 2012 (subject to my being accepted etc,etc.) For me, I felt it made sense to stick in the job I know while other aspects of my life were changing.

And it made more sense for me as I wanted my children to be close together and I didn't want to have to start again with the toddler years, I want to get them out of the way before I get used to having some sleep!

Mine involved a three year degree then probably a year in a job before I could think about trying for another baby and which point I would have been mid thirties and DP is 10 years older than me so we couldn't wait really.

Good luck whatever you decide.

LDNmummy · 10/02/2011 11:09

OP I am in exactly the same situation as you. My DP and I discussed this, both in our twenties and having our first DC now. I decided to take a year out to be a SAHM and then go back to studying for my MA and getting back on career path before the next DC. I am quite fine with having a 5 year gap between mine though. Personally I think it would be harder to return to training/ work after two DC and a few extra years time lapse. My friends who have had children before starting university all advised me to wait it out if I could as it is hard enough with one DC to return to whatever life goals you have set out. But the I guess it depends on which matters to you more. Good luck!

ReindeerBollocks · 10/02/2011 11:33

It depends how heavy going the course will be, how long it will last etc.

I have been training ongoing for two years) and had DC2 during this time. I have another two years to go before I complete an intensive one year course which will then mean I am qualified. It has worked well, but if we decide on DC3 it will have to be soon (not happening for personal reasons) or after the intensive course has finished.

It does depend on how you feel and if you delay the career change then you may resent a missed opportunity. Equally you may go on to do the course and find that the career you've chosen doesn't work well with babies and difficulties fitting back into the workplace after maternity leave etc.

What is the career you want to go into btw (nosey emotion)? Good luck and do what is best for you and your current family.

AlpinePony · 10/02/2011 11:40

It's not illegal to do things other than wipe arses you know - unless you're competing in the West London Martyr Mummy 2011 marathon.

reddaisy · 10/02/2011 12:37

Alpine - at no point is the OP coming across as a martyr, she is just sensibly considering her options. Her choice to retrain will no doubt have financial implications for the family and it will take up a lot of her time.

ReturnOfTheBoomBap · 10/02/2011 12:41

I started retraining when my two were 5yrs and 1 yr old (in my early 30s).

For me, it was great to know that I had finished my family and could commit to a course with no inner longings or pangs about another child.

fedupwithdeployment · 10/02/2011 12:56

From a slightly different perspective, if you train and qualify and then go off and have DC2, is that an ideal situation?

I qualified as a lawyer at 32, then had DS1 at 33...hardly ideal start to a hot shot career (ha!)

I don't think there is an ideal time to have a child - lots of pros and cons at all stages.

Good luck with your decision, but I think I'd be tempted to have the child and then deal with the training as and when. But difficult to know if that is an option without knowing what you want to do.

Belgrano · 21/12/2011 13:58

Ooh I'm there at the moment. Just started retraining and loving it but DH and I are keen to have another baby. We said I would take a year off to have another baby around late next year which means TTC now but I find myself a bit reluctant. It's hard to imagine doing this course with a newborn as well as two DCs, its hard enough with just the two DCs. Although I suppose the newborn will be 1 by the time it becomes an issue. Still, 1 is quite little to go into full time childcare I think. Oh it is haaaard having to choose baby/career. Men have it so easy!
I have a DD aged 5 and a DS aged 2. Let me know how your thought process goes. I am intrigued (and to know what you are considering changing to).

Dozer · 21/12/2011 14:30

Look carefully into the terms and conditions of training courses that you're interested in to see if it'd be possible to take a break or not.

E.g. if a degree, can you have a break and keep the credits so far, and for how long; what would having a break mean for fees / student loans etc.

Some things can be done in a modular way, e.g. accounting.

My mum started a full-time three-year diploma course when my brother and I were 6 and 4, said it was horrendous home and relationship-wise, as were her first few years of work afterwards, but we were fine and it massively improved her career.

AnotherMincepie · 21/12/2011 15:02

I vote for completing your family first. You have the rest of your life to focus on your career.

RainboweBrite · 21/12/2011 15:42

I think you should start now, as it will be easier with just 1 DC (although hard enough!), and as you say, you don't mind a bigger age gap. Good luck in whatever you decide.

dancingmerrily · 21/12/2011 16:14

Agree with AnotherMincepie. I had DD when I was 18 and started training for quite a full-on career when she was 9 mo. In hindsight I wish I'd focused on being a mum - the training meant a lot of late nights, travelling away from home and mentally being focused elsewhere. I'm only 29 now and I realise I'm young enough that I could have spent years being a sahm and still had time to retrain later, that's the advantage really of starting a family when you're young!

mus2709 · 21/12/2011 16:50

It's also good to remember that babies may not come when you want them to. I started trying for DD when my DS was 5. My DD came 4 years later and by then I had given up and enrolled myself on a 3 year degree. I had to juggle a young baby and a tough course at the same time. It was hard work but it can be done with a good child-minder and supportive husband.

AngryBadger · 21/12/2011 18:11

I did this - it meant that I spent 4 years retraining and then worked for just under a year before having DC2. Having maternity leave so soon into the new job didn't go down especially well with my employer (although there's nothing they can do about it!).

With hindsight, I wish I'd had my children closer together then retrained afterwards so that I could concentrate on my chosen career. We have a 5.5 year gap between DC's and, although there are benefits, I feel the gap is too big and that they've both missed out on having a sibling to play with.

Like you, I was in my 20's and really keen to 'get going' but it meant that I missed out on a lot of time with my DC1 because I was always stressed and studying. Sorry to sound negative but based just on my own experience I'd say that you could enjoy the baby years first and then concentrate on your career later when you know you won't be taking a maternity break.

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