Dad having a new baby (long post, sorry!)

[goldenhen]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and not a parent myself yet, but I wanted to get some advice from some experienced parents! :)

I'm 29 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was five, due to my dad having an affair. Well, actually several affairs - this was the third strike and he was out! Tsk, silly dad. All water under the bridge now, and both parents are in relationships - my dad has been with affair lady ever since, and my mum's also got a steady partner of 8-9 years too. I grew up with my mum, although mum and dad stayed fairly friendly and he picked me up from school once a week and came over every Sunday.

Anyway, all good so far, right?

So I found out a couple of days ago that my dad (61) and his partner (50) are 14 weeks pregnant. OMG, obviously. I had NO IDEA they were even trying. My dad had told me years ago that he didn't want any more so I figured that, what with their ages and all, that they'd rationalised this and were OK with it. Apparently not. What they had actually agreed (I learned at the weekend) was to not try for a baby until I was grown up. His partner has apparently had "several" miscarriages over the last few years. I feel awful for her, and finding out that she's wanted children all this time certainly explains why she can be a bit cold to me and my mum (just a bit... we mostly get on fine though we aren't close-close).

I don't have a moral problem with older parents at all, although I don't think I'd want to do it at their age. My partner is 45 and we're planning kids in a year or two, so I'd be a hypocrite to mind. The most imporatant thing to me is that Dad's happy. I am just massively, massively freaked out.

I think my concerns are:

1. (whisper it) If I'm honest I basically don't really want this to happen - it's a major life change and like it or not it will affect my relationship with my dad. Just in practical ways - I live four hours away so it will be hard for him to come and see me. But then I feel really guilty for thinking this.

1. My dad doesn't seem at all happy. He said "It's not what I'd have chosen, but if a woman wants a baby you can't really argue with that". If he was really excited then I'm sure I'd feel differently. He seems to be thinking that I'm his kid and the new one will be his partner's kid! But obviously it doesn't work like that - the new baby will be his too, and he should quite rightly make it as much of a priority as he does me.

1. Dad's also asked me not to tell my mum (who is actually on holiday for 2 weeks anyway) because he wants to tell her himself. I'm really close to mum and she's the person I'd go to to go "waaaah" about something. I also feel like I'm being dishonest knowing something that mum doesn't.

But on the other hand, you can't get angry with a baby. Babies are lovely. I'm just really confused. I was OK when I was with dad (lots of "blimey, er, wow, right, gosh") but since he left I've been bursting into tears every few minutes.

Is it OK to be upset about this? I feel awful. I don't want to tell Dad how I'm feeling.

I only found out a couple of days ago, so my feelings are a bit raw on this. I may well be being totally irrational. But yikes, though. It's a big deal, no?

Well this is going to sound awful and I don't mean it to be...but if she is 50 the chances of it working out are low aren't they?
But I think its not as much to do with you as you think. Sorry.

Don't tell your Mum - its really is your Dad's news to tell.

No YANBU to react like you are, its life-changing news, however it is happening, and you will have to come to terms with it.

I'm sure your Dad is secretly terrified at this new-dad role in such a late stage at life. You should try and support him when you feel you've accepted and absorbed this major news.

Good luck to you all

Why do you say "it's not as much to do with you as you think"? I don't think it is to do with me at all. I am just saying I feel weird and I suppose I was looking for some support.

@MissJanuary - you're right, of course :) That's what my boyfriend said too - it's up to Dad to tell her.

I think I'm terrified for him! But of course I'll support them whatever they do.

Part of me is thinking that Dad must have been wanting to tell someone - if it doesn't work out again then it's a hard job for him to support his partner through that and maybe I can support him. Scary all round!

Buzz, although it may be the likliehood, What a way to start a response...Well the baby might not survive so what you worrying about kind of thing, tut tut.

Goldenhen, I do however agree slightly with Buzz. It's not really your news to tell and that all you have to do is live your life the same way you have been doing.

You're still dad's daughter, regardless of a new baby arriving and I suspect that Dad is saying things like "It's not what I'd have chosen, but if a woman wants a baby you can't really argue with that" because he wants to perhaps soften the blow.

You are correct that Dad will not have as much time to visit you, but I'd remedy that by visiting him more often and taking an active interest in "affair lady's" pregnancy.

Whoooooa guys, can I just say that I have no intention of telling anyone, even mum - I'm just saying that I'm feeling guilty and sort of knotted up for knowing.

FWIW I do actually visit my dad more than he visits me.

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. I don't understand why you're upset. You're 29.

Do you not think YOU having children will be a major life change, which will make it harder to make the four hour journey to see your Dad? But you're quite happy to do that when it suits you in a couple of years.

Don't tell your mum, it's not your news to tell.

Have a and stop crying.

I feel sad for them, waiting all these years for you to be an adult before they tried, and now they've finally managed it and you're in tears feeling awful? They should have done it years ago.

I can understand why you feel strange about it all (for want of a better word ) It's a big thing, and a shock - that doesn't mean you feel bad about it, just uncertain - it's very new and surprising information.

With regard to your dad not seeming that enthusiastic - I think some men can be a bit that way until the baby actually arrives, and being that bit older he may be a little worried about keeping up with a small child. But older dad's can bring qualities other than energy and fitness to a child.

It is a big deal for you of course - so give yourself the time and space to get used to it and think it through.

In the big scheme of life, a new brother or sister to love can only enrich your life.

Wow, what a charming response, Flisspaps.

Thanks KurriKurri for that - I do just feel strange. A brother or sister would be amazing, obviously. It's just weird because my dad was thinking about retirement! Genuine surprises are rare in life but I never saw this coming.

Gobsmacked by the woman above implying that I've been stomping my feet going "please don't have children" for all these years. At least I know the truth.

I think we're being too hard on you..whatever age we are, we are still only little girls in our fathers eyes...that's what my dad tells me anyway.

Goldenhen, I also think it's normal to be feeling a little mixed up about this...He's your dad, always has been - and by the way you feel about him, he's seems like a great dad - so just think how good he will be to your new wee brother/sister too :).

On the other hand, I would feel a slight prang of jealousy thinking that he might love new baby more than me etc...this is not the case. You seem to have a really good relationship with him, and if you sense fear in him it will make you uneasy. BUT be there for him as you would be in any situation and nothing will change.

Good Luck - please tell us how your mother takes the news

This is AIBU, so you have to be prepared for not everyone to agree with you. :)

YABVU.

You're 29, a grown up adult woman, hardly a child. You sound that you might be jealous of the fact that your dad will have a new baby in his life that doesn't actually concern you. You need to face the fact that you'll have to share your dad.

Thanks BurnAfterReading - jealousy about the new baby isn't really an issue. I know both my parents love me and I've had a really good upbringing, that's all fine. I've had a 29 year head start on junior so I feel pretty sorted.

It's just a bit of a headspin. I feel sort of guilt that his partner, who I like, has been having miscarriages and I never knew she even wanted kids. (And please don't give me all the "oh, all women want kids", they were really hiding it well). I feel guilt that dad says he wanted to wait until I was grown up. I feel worried that my dad is having a baby instead of retiring to France like he wanted to.

But, y'know, I like babies. Que sera, sera...

"a new baby in his life that doesn't actually concern you"

Rotten thing to say IMO, this baby does concern her, she's the big sister.

I must admit, I'm 29 and 1 of 4, but if my mum and dad decided to have another baby it would freak me right out!

I think the OP's questions are genuine, she doesn't quite know how to process this information and feels worried for her dad.

Let's not lay it on too thick

Btw - I've not implied that you've been stomping your feet going 'please don't have children'.

But I do think it's sad that they waited until you're an adult, and now they've finally gone ahead (after suffering losses along the way) and you're still upset. You clearly love your Dad and he loves you. I think you should discuss your worries about point 1 with him at least.

There is no reason to assume that she will lose it as Buzz so crassly put it. Most likely it is through egg donation and her chances of carrying it to term are fairly good. It will definitely take some getting used to, but, you know, it is one of those situations you can do absolutely nothing about so try to be chilled about it. Sounds odd that they waited for you to grow up though. Presumably this woman knew she had a limited time. When did they decide you were grown up enough..18, 21, 25. That is peculiar imo.

"sad that they waited until you're an adult"

but not OP's fault.

Perhaps this was dads excuse to "affair lady" to hide that he didn't really want more children? Who knows?

BTW, I'm using affair lady because I find it funny....I've just had a child with "affair man" Ooops :)

@Bamboostalks - Don't get me wrong, I think the waiting thing is peculiar too. I would have been far less surprised if this had happened years ago! It makes slightly more sense if you know my dad - sort of a well-meaning misguided nobility, utterly uncalled for, hard to explain...

"affair lady" was supposed to be a joke btw and it's not one that I think they would mind. We have a dry sense of humour in our family :)

I can totally understand how strange this must feel - it happened to a friend of mine and she found it very difficult. Not to say that you will.

The really sad part of my friend's story is that she has not been able to bring herself to get to know her new half-sibling.

Whatever you feel about your Dad and the choices he has made, try not to let it get in the way of any relationship with your new half-sibling. Bear in mind that this child will be facing the challenges that having elderly parents bring us all - but at a much earlier point in their life. I'm sure that there will be times in the future that you'll be very glad to have each other.

Goldenhen, it's bound to be a shock and it's doubly hard that you can't sound off to your Mum about it for the time being, but you'll have your chance later.

The bit I don't understand is that they've told you that they waited until you were an adult. If you were around 20 years old, that would make sense, but since you're 29 it doesn't quite ring true (despite the sadness & delay caused by miscarriages.) It sounds a bit like "We waited for your sake, so you have no right to be upset now." Seems a bit of a guilt trip to me.

Anyway, you know that your feelings are unreasonable, but I think they are understandable. It must bring back feelings from when your Dad first left (she says trying to rein in her inner armchair psychologist.)

I can understand that this has been a shock to you given your Dad and his partner's ages and not having mentioned "trying" of late. It's lovely that she's pregnant after trying for so long but you're not unreasonable for having mixed emotions.

If I was in your shoes I'd worry about my Dad's health (my parents are both 61 and would get exhausted looking after a baby full time - they are very glad to hand mine back after a few hours!) but I'm sure they'll muddle through- and I'd worry about the impact on my relationship with him. Feeling these things does not make you selfish or evil, you just need to get used to the idea.

When the baby arrives I'm sure you'll find more excuses to visit him/her and your Dad and it could actually improve your relationship with him, not harm it. Look to the positives!

Hmm, having a little think about your situation, I think I would feel really weird if I were in your shoes too. I think the thing to do though is to 'act' the grown up way that you will end up feeling about this, in time. Meanwhile, just pretend. Anything else will be so hurtful to your DD and partner and embarrass you later.

And to address someones comments earlier, even if your DD and partner did wait until you were an adult before trying for a baby, they have been trying for an least a decade. How very sad that they lost their babies but that is hardly the fault of the OP.

Give yourself a chance for this big news to sink in summon up the necessary words to congratulate your DDs partner. It will mean a lot to your DD, you'll be proud of yourself and the lady deserves it. Whatever happens ultimately with this, she deserves to feel over the moon now and has been through a lot.

Good luck, you'll feel better in time and a baby is a blessing on a family, you will see :)

I actually sympathise with you feeling odd. My dad went on to have a second family when I was in my early 20s. It felt very, very odd, though I was outwardly calm and laid back about it.

You don't owe it to anyone to tell them. Let your dad do that. Find other RL friends to vent to about it, as well as posting on here!

My view of my dad has been through all kinds of changes. This event will naturally create a chance for you to look at your relationship with him. It can be very odd to have siblings that much younger. I'm 25 years older than my younger half brother and sister, it doesn't feel like a sibling relationship - more an aunty role. I still have my odd days about it. And it created some weirdness later on about wills and inheritance (from stepmother, not the kids). But don't worry about that for now. As they've got older, it's got easier.