Hi everyone. I'm new here, and not a parent myself yet, but I wanted to get some advice from some experienced parents! :)
I'm 29 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was five, due to my dad having an affair. Well, actually several affairs - this was the third strike and he was out! Tsk, silly dad. All water under the bridge now, and both parents are in relationships - my dad has been with affair lady ever since, and my mum's also got a steady partner of 8-9 years too. I grew up with my mum, although mum and dad stayed fairly friendly and he picked me up from school once a week and came over every Sunday.
Anyway, all good so far, right?
So I found out a couple of days ago that my dad (61) and his partner (50) are 14 weeks pregnant. OMG, obviously. I had NO IDEA they were even trying. My dad had told me years ago that he didn't want any more so I figured that, what with their ages and all, that they'd rationalised this and were OK with it. Apparently not. What they had actually agreed (I learned at the weekend) was to not try for a baby until I was grown up. His partner has apparently had "several" miscarriages over the last few years. I feel awful for her, and finding out that she's wanted children all this time certainly explains why she can be a bit cold to me and my mum (just a bit... we mostly get on fine though we aren't close-close).
I don't have a moral problem with older parents at all, although I don't think I'd want to do it at their age. My partner is 45 and we're planning kids in a year or two, so I'd be a hypocrite to mind. The most imporatant thing to me is that Dad's happy. I am just massively, massively freaked out.
I think my concerns are:
- (whisper it) If I'm honest I basically don't really want this to happen - it's a major life change and like it or not it will affect my relationship with my dad. Just in practical ways - I live four hours away so it will be hard for him to come and see me. But then I feel really guilty for thinking this.
- My dad doesn't seem at all happy. He said "It's not what I'd have chosen, but if a woman wants a baby you can't really argue with that". If he was really excited then I'm sure I'd feel differently. He seems to be thinking that I'm his kid and the new one will be his partner's kid! But obviously it doesn't work like that - the new baby will be his too, and he should quite rightly make it as much of a priority as he does me.
- Dad's also asked me not to tell my mum (who is actually on holiday for 2 weeks anyway) because he wants to tell her himself. I'm really close to mum and she's the person I'd go to to go "waaaah" about something. I also feel like I'm being dishonest knowing something that mum doesn't.
But on the other hand, you can't get angry with a baby. Babies are lovely. I'm just really confused. I was OK when I was with dad (lots of "blimey, er, wow, right, gosh") but since he left I've been bursting into tears every few minutes.
Is it OK to be upset about this? I feel awful. I don't want to tell Dad how I'm feeling.
I only found out a couple of days ago, so my feelings are a bit raw on this. I may well be being totally irrational. But yikes, though. It's a big deal, no? 