Dad having a new baby (long post, sorry!)

[goldenhen]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and not a parent myself yet, but I wanted to get some advice from some experienced parents! :)

I'm 29 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was five, due to my dad having an affair. Well, actually several affairs - this was the third strike and he was out! Tsk, silly dad. All water under the bridge now, and both parents are in relationships - my dad has been with affair lady ever since, and my mum's also got a steady partner of 8-9 years too. I grew up with my mum, although mum and dad stayed fairly friendly and he picked me up from school once a week and came over every Sunday.

Anyway, all good so far, right?

So I found out a couple of days ago that my dad (61) and his partner (50) are 14 weeks pregnant. OMG, obviously. I had NO IDEA they were even trying. My dad had told me years ago that he didn't want any more so I figured that, what with their ages and all, that they'd rationalised this and were OK with it. Apparently not. What they had actually agreed (I learned at the weekend) was to not try for a baby until I was grown up. His partner has apparently had "several" miscarriages over the last few years. I feel awful for her, and finding out that she's wanted children all this time certainly explains why she can be a bit cold to me and my mum (just a bit... we mostly get on fine though we aren't close-close).

I don't have a moral problem with older parents at all, although I don't think I'd want to do it at their age. My partner is 45 and we're planning kids in a year or two, so I'd be a hypocrite to mind. The most imporatant thing to me is that Dad's happy. I am just massively, massively freaked out.

I think my concerns are:

1. (whisper it) If I'm honest I basically don't really want this to happen - it's a major life change and like it or not it will affect my relationship with my dad. Just in practical ways - I live four hours away so it will be hard for him to come and see me. But then I feel really guilty for thinking this.

1. My dad doesn't seem at all happy. He said "It's not what I'd have chosen, but if a woman wants a baby you can't really argue with that". If he was really excited then I'm sure I'd feel differently. He seems to be thinking that I'm his kid and the new one will be his partner's kid! But obviously it doesn't work like that - the new baby will be his too, and he should quite rightly make it as much of a priority as he does me.

1. Dad's also asked me not to tell my mum (who is actually on holiday for 2 weeks anyway) because he wants to tell her himself. I'm really close to mum and she's the person I'd go to to go "waaaah" about something. I also feel like I'm being dishonest knowing something that mum doesn't.

But on the other hand, you can't get angry with a baby. Babies are lovely. I'm just really confused. I was OK when I was with dad (lots of "blimey, er, wow, right, gosh") but since he left I've been bursting into tears every few minutes.

Is it OK to be upset about this? I feel awful. I don't want to tell Dad how I'm feeling.

I only found out a couple of days ago, so my feelings are a bit raw on this. I may well be being totally irrational. But yikes, though. It's a big deal, no?

I think people are being too hard on you. I'm 39 and my life would be pretty shaken if my dad had another baby now. We're a close family, you don't just lose interest or involvement with what your parents are doing once you hit 18. I find that a very odd attitude to take.

And FWIW I don't read any jealousy in your OP at all. More of a slightly stunned trying-to-get-your-head-round-it and no one can blame you for that.

It is sad that they waited so long, but that's their problem not yours and not your guilt to carry. And you know yourself that it can't be you that tells your mother so all you can do is watch from the sidelines where that is concerned. Sounds like you're close enough to your dad to be able to talk to him once the dust settles.

Good luck with it all, hope it all turns out for the best for all of you :)

I understand that you are in shock - the news is very surprising and unexpected. But it really is good news for everyone! You'll get used to it and be happy for your father and stepmother.

i don't quite buy your statement about not havin a moral objection re; older parents

OP, you have said a lot about your dad waiting until you were 'grown up' before he had any other children, that you are worried he's having a baby instead of retiring

and as for feelings you're keeping a secret from your mum, it's few weeks, not a life-long secret is it? she's going to know soon

i'm fairly cack-handed and clumsy when it comes to putting words on a screen, and have many badly-written posts in my lifetime, but this thread seems very loaded

I like "affair lady" made me laugh - my sense of humour too :)

Even as I type all this the shock is fading, and I know I'll get excited about it in time. I like the advice about acting calm and grown up even if you don't quite feel it.

A baby's never bad news. I'm just shocked.

No weirdness about inheritance at all, thankfully - I have always felt quite strongly that anything people want to leave you in their will is their decision, a nice gesture, and not a birthright at all. I don't really expect anything and I don't want to know about it. Much more concerned about everyone in my family living as long and healthy lives as possible!

@Glynisthegimmer. Think what you like, but I honestly don't have a moral objection to older parents. I am surprised they wanted to late in life, considering their other plans they've talked about, but that's not the same thing at all.

I think what would make me feel odd about it is that they are trying to make out that it´s OPs "fault" that it has just happened.

I mean she´s been an adult for more than 10yrs!

Perhaps he´s a bit embarrassed about it!

Oh diddl - I have to stick up for my dad here! I really don't think he was trying to guilt trip me or make out it was my fault that they didn't try earlier. It's possible that he used it as a delaying tactic/excuse if he wasn't sure, but I don't think they're trying to guilt trip me or make out it's my fault. Unlike some members of Mumsnet ;)

And I got the impression they've been trying for years. So sad. In an ideal world dad would have been able to talk to me about it earlier on, but even the best families aren't always in an "ideal world"...

I don't read any 'anti-oldie' sentiment in your posts and thinking on it, I love the (potential, not rushing you here,) idea of sort of reverse 'grandparenting' from you. You know, the odd 'could you possibly have little one for a few hours? We're sooo knackered, please?!'

Looking forward it could be an invaluable experience for you if you are planning a baby yourself with your boyfriend in a couple of years as you say. Although it's an unusual way to get it, I could have really used some proper, real experience of what looking after a new baby is like before we had our DC. I didn't have a clue!

@mumoflittlemouse "Reverse grandparenting"! - I like it. All the weirdness I am feeling right now should in no way be taken to imply that I won't leave them alone when they have it :)

Burnafter; you agree with but i should have waited until someone said something else first?

YANBU for feeling unsettled by this news. It is natural for us to want to think of our parents as a constant and so any major changes in their lives (illness, divorce, new partners, children) are difficult to adjust to.

It sounds to me like your dad has tried to protect you (perhaps a bit too much?) by delaying trying for a baby with his new partner.

I hope you can see it as a positive thing that he wants to be the one to tell your mum. To have divorced parents who can speak to one another civilly is wonderful. (I have had to be the go-between for 15 yrs and this is horrid).

You will adjust to this. It will take time. It may even bring you closer to your dad's partner (I found it gave me something to talk about with slightly spiky step-mum when they had a very unexpected (to us) child late in life).

Keep talking to your dad, that will be very important as you both adjust. But I agree you also need to talk this through with a friend who can be a bit more objective. And have a large glass of wine!

Well I´m glad you didn´t think he was trying to make you feel guilty.

Seems such an odd thing to say I wonder why say it at all?

Perhaps he wanted to explain why it has taken so long.

Hopefully he is happy but didn´t want to seem too happy to you iyswim.

You´re probably not so much upset as confused-especially if you´re hoping to start a family yourself in the not too distant future.

YANBU IMO. If it were my dad and the OW/DW I'd be horrified.

Thankfully they are almost 70, so no chance of that, but it would have been the end of my relationship with my dad. But he buggered off when I was late teens, not a toddler. My sister and I picked up the pieces of our mother and helped her put herself back together.

Irrational yes, jealous highly likely, unreasonable, definitely, but I would still be horrified by it none the less.

OP, I'm the same age as you and would be feeling exactly the same if my father & stepmother had a child - no, it's not particularly reasonable or rational but I would be utterly shocked and scared. It's such a big change to your life. If it were me I'd be scared that another sibling would take up all my dad's love and attention and there'd be none left for me - which is obviously not the case, but that's how I'd feel, at least a little bit.

I do think all you need is some time to come round to the idea, though. Of course you're a bit confused at the moment but it'll start to feel like something normal once you've given the news a chance to sink in. Talk to your friends about it and have some wine and after a bit I'm sure the excitement will start to overcome any of the negative feelings. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad and his partner, which helps.

This happened to me ...Only it wasnt with an affair lady though my dad and mum split when i was young due to his affairs ...My mum had a boy when i was 15 which was fine ,i lived at home and am close to him but my dad and his new partner had a girl when i was 23 ...odd imo ..and it caused a huge stir in my family - long story but my dad and sister,and brother still dont speak i have children older than my sister and although now i love her dearly at the time i wasnt thrilled ..and my dad wasnt initially either ...You are not being unreasonable ,its unexpected news but you will adjust to it and if they live 4 hours away it wont impact your daily life directly you will just have someone who looks up to u in years to come and hopefully you can be close too :)

Oh and just to add my dad didnt have much time for us as kids and not much has changed ,although i know he loves me he still has no time for me and doesnt spend much with my little sister.

I understand that you are freaked out (similar has happened to my boss, except his dad had baby with someone else (ie cheated & left his 2nd wife, 3rd wife only 6 years old than my boss). But my boss got over it and you will too.

You'll come to terms with it. IMO they were a bit mad "to wait until you'd grown up" they should have gone for it while they were younger.

It seems a bit mad now, but you will come to terms with it. The relationship will be more like aunt & niece/nephew not siblings anyway. I see my parents a lot less now as they retired abroad, so not much sympathy about you seeing your dad less.

Don't tell your mum on condition that he tells her himself the minute she comes back from her holiday.

61 and 50 are far too old to be having a baby.

YANU to feel the way you do

Not sure it is any of your mums business.
If your Dad really wanted to retire to France he should have worn a condom

i wonder if there would be different replies here if the OP was 19 instead of 29?
just wondering

Maybe people would be more sympathetic if I was 10 years younger, but to be honest, if that was the case my dad and his partner would also be 10 years younger and it would be less of a shock! :)

I feel confident it will be fine; there's no question of me not loving my dad or being involved or being a good big sister. It's just a very, very unexpected change - and the process of getting used to it is a bit upsetting.

I think that when something so completely unexpected happens, it is natural to feel shock and to take some time to process it.

You say that your stepmum has been a little cool with you in the past. It would be very unfair if she somehow felt it was down to you that she had delayed having a baby earlier - it was between her and your dad, so not your fault at all.

I think that she (and your dad) might appreciate you telling her how happy you are for the both of them (once you've gotten your head around it).

YANBU at all in feeling as you do. I think you are trying very hard to be rational and happy for them, even though it is hard to view these things entirely rationally when your emotions are involved (emotions don't always acknowledge what is fair and reasonable)

I cqn understand why you are shocked, I guess you presumed at their age this was not on the cards, and at 50 and 61, I would have guessed the same.

I'm relieved my dad didn't have a child, in quite a selfish way, when he went off with someone else, the idea of having a three year old brother or sister when you are nearly forty is quite something. However, I do believe, like you, that babies are special and once (if in my case) the baby had arrived, I would have loved the new life in the family.

It is weird though when your parents do things like date, fall in love, break up, have children and so on that feel like the things for your generation.

I think it is very UNselfish to be worried about your dad having a baby instead of retiring in France like he wated. Note the "like he wanted", sounds like he is doing this for his partner and not him, and that you are worried about that. I would be to, but he is a grown man and must have thought this very well. So totally understand you there, BUT, babies are lovely, it will probably make him feel young again, etc. I think you'll quickly get used to the new situation.