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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws inviting themselves on holiday with us...

53 replies

JingleMum · 07/02/2011 13:26

have been in 2 minds about whether to start this thread or not as i guess it's more of a WWYD?

DP and i are booking our summer holiday soon. i haven't been abroad since 2008 and i'm really looking forward to it. i lead quite a busy lifestyle and don't get as much quality time with DP and DD as i'd maybe like... anyway.... whenever we mention booking our holiday MIL says "let me know when you book it, FIL and i will come with you. we'll get a room next to yours and have DD so you can both do your own thing for the week" Hmm

thing is i don't want to do our own thing, i want the 3 of us to spend quality time together and enjoy DD's first holiday, just the 3 of us.

i love MIL, she's a nice woman who means well but we're quite different, she's a bit boring i'm afraid and i don't fancy a full week in her company. we had a weekend away with inlaws once and it was so tedious, plus they would bang our door down at the crack of dawn and demand that we all have breakfast together. FIL is also lovely but i would never leave DD with him "to do my own thing" he's way too lax and a bit docile.

MIL has suggested it twice now and i've said both times "that wouldn't be much of a holiday for you having to care for DD, you might as well book your own summer holiday and relax and enjoy yourselves" DP just walks out of the room!

AIBU to ask DP to tell them straight we just want it to be the 3 of us? would i be better just booking our holiday and not mentioning it to them? WWYD?

OP posts:
walesblackbird · 07/02/2011 13:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable. When we go on holidays as a family I want it to be just the five of us.

A few years ago my mil was planning a 'family holiday'. Her and her partner, plus her three adult children and their children. And neither me nor dh (her son) could stand the thought of it. So we just got in and booked ours first which meant that dh had no leave left!!

scurryfunge · 07/02/2011 13:29

Just book it and don't mention the holiday until late in the day and then say how much you are looking forward to going away on your own.

freshmint · 07/02/2011 13:29

Be nice
She would love it
How many years will they be around for? Say yes.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/02/2011 13:30

I would either tell them myself or get DH to do it. You have been really tolerant so far, had it been my MiL I would have told her to fuck the fuck off. I didn't really like her.
Could you compromise and let them join your for 25 minutes on the day you leave?

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 13:31

freshmint - i'm hoping they'll be around for a long time to come! they aren't old, around retirement age i think?

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 07/02/2011 13:32

I'd tell DP to say how much you are looking forwards to spending time with DD on your first family holiday. They will be deeply offended if you just booked and didn't tell them, maybe a good idea to 'forget' and tell them a few weeks before so they can't book? A bit risky though.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 13:32

kreecherlivesupstairs - Grin i'll think about it...!!

OP posts:
Eglu · 07/02/2011 13:32

YANBU to ask DH to tell them that you are really looking forward to some family time as you don't get much.

Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2011 13:32

why not go on holiday by yourself, book it without any discssion with pil. BUT suggest a long weekend away in UK with them too, if finances will allow?

TrillianAstra · 07/02/2011 13:34

What did you say when she said 'we'll come'?

It's a nice offer, if that's what you want, but you don't.

Your DP should stop being such a wimp - what is he doing running away? Does he think it sounds like a good idea?

cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 13:35

I think that your DP should explain that you really need a break on your own.

I've been on a holiday before with DHs side of the family and, while it was nice it was very much a compromise of where we went, when, where and what we ate and - like you say - even the time that the day began. It wasn't 'our' holiday.

While it can be nice to get together with extended family, you also need time together as your own small family unit. If you've already said no in a roundabout way twice, I think you and DP just need to say no outright. Good luck!

omletta · 07/02/2011 13:35

YANBU

I think you should just tell them, directly but gently that you are planning a week away, just the three of you and that you really want to spend some quality time with your DH / DC.

My PIL (though I do love them very much) always make me feel like they are doing me a favour when they have our DCs to stay, even though the reality is that we move heaven and earth to make it possible for them to go and stay, and then sit around at home missing them!

If you dont tell them you could become resentful, which could cause problems in the long term.

Good luck

falsemessageoflethargy · 07/02/2011 13:36

Just say straight out - we want to do our own thing in the summer but could then do CP with them at some other time?

alfabetty · 07/02/2011 13:39

My PIL were similar, and after much worrying I just said - we want to spend our holidays just the 3 of us as we don't see each other much with our working patterns. And I was matter-of-fact about it, and MIL never raised it again.

Your MIL is obviously well-meaning, not angling to disrupt your marriage, so just tell her what you are thinking. And don't go for the communicating through DH option, you are just lining yourself up for 35 years of half-understood and misconstrued communication with your MIL. Just speak to her yourself and be honest (ish) - no need to mention the 'you're a bit boring', obviously... Wink

giantpurplepeopleeater · 07/02/2011 13:43

YANBU and I would just tell them straight out. Be nice, but let them know you are looking forward to spending the time just t he 3 of you. She should understand.

A small warning - and I don't want to worry you but I remember a post on here a while back where someone booked a holiday, mentioned it in passing to MIL who then looked it up and booked herself in for the same week!!! Therefore I would book but avoid giving away too may details!!!

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 13:44

thanks for all the replies so far.

trilliantastra - oh he always just leaves everything to me. he doesn't fancy a week away with them either, he obviously loves them dearly but he wants our first holiday with DD to be just the 3 of us. he tells me just to tell them straight but i'm always worried of causing offence.

OP posts:
LittleOneMum · 07/02/2011 13:54

The bottom line is that you want to spend the time with your family, the three of you. Nothing wrong with that, and they should understand that. Just ring your MIL and say "You have been so kind to offer to come, but we have decided that we really want to spend the time just the three of us - you know how little quality time we've had all together" etc. but my top tip would be that you should be VERY nice to her, because you never know when you might want to go on holiday with them in due course.
I was the same as you when I had one DC - we wanted always to go away with DH, me and DS only. But now that I have two DCs I am delighted by the thought of bringing them along and having them to babysit every night while DH and I have some much needed romantic time.... Grin

AMumInScotland · 07/02/2011 14:14

I think the key is to answer in terms of "That's lovely of you but..." "It's very sweet of you to offer but..." then you're expressing gratitude for the offer, while turning it down.

There's nothing unreasonable in you wanting to spend time just the three of you on holiday, and no reason your MIL should take it as an insult, but avoiding the subject makes it a bigger deal.

You could always suggest going for a night away and having them babysit, or just an evening out, as an "instead" option.

Littlefish · 07/02/2011 14:16

Your dh just needs to say it. It's not up to you to do it.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 14:18

that's the thing with my MIL Amuminscotland she doesn't really offer to babysit as baby is in bed at 7pm and she doesn't just want to sit there, she'd want to have her all day (and she does anyway, usually once a week or every other week)

i think i should wait until she brings it up again (she deffo will!) and just be honest, although i don't want to be seen as a bitch DIL, i don't see why DP can't tell her, it's his mum!

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 07/02/2011 14:20

Agree that you don't have to do this. Refusebut say "Oh I tell you what would be better than you coming with us this time, is if you could come along on a long weekend we're planning in September!"

We want to go to the country and really have some nice quiet evening in the pub...would you mind joining us for that one instead?

walesblackbird · 07/02/2011 14:21

I don't see why your DH can't tell her either - she's his mum! But, I suppose, like most men (mine anyway) he hates the thought of any sort of disagreement with his emotionally delicate mother! Far easier to get you to be the bearer of bad tidings Wink

hatwoman · 07/02/2011 14:27

could you consider either overlapping by just a couple of days, or going at the same time but staying in different accommodation? or, could you consider having your holiday, as planned, and then having a separate mini-holiday / long weekend (maybe somewhere in the uk?) where you all go.

You're not, for one minute, being unreasonable, but, as someone else said, gps aren't going to be around forever, so maybe you could find a compromise

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 14:31

she actually suggested we rent a villa together the 2nd time. sorry, i just can't do it! it would cause bad blood, trust me!

i know this sounds a bit mean, but at the moment i don't want a weekend away with her either. she's a lovely woman, i honestly do care for her, but i'd sooner wait for a weekend away when DD is older and can have a conversation with me and is old enough to enjoy day trips etc.. so that we would actually have a nice weekend.

OP posts:
MsKLo · 07/02/2011 14:31

Be firm! Just book the holiday and then say thanks but no thanks we really just want to get away on our own for a week - and do not feel bad saying this and then mention you have booked a hol anyway

Don't feel bad at all and be firm!