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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws inviting themselves on holiday with us...

53 replies

JingleMum · 07/02/2011 13:26

have been in 2 minds about whether to start this thread or not as i guess it's more of a WWYD?

DP and i are booking our summer holiday soon. i haven't been abroad since 2008 and i'm really looking forward to it. i lead quite a busy lifestyle and don't get as much quality time with DP and DD as i'd maybe like... anyway.... whenever we mention booking our holiday MIL says "let me know when you book it, FIL and i will come with you. we'll get a room next to yours and have DD so you can both do your own thing for the week" Hmm

thing is i don't want to do our own thing, i want the 3 of us to spend quality time together and enjoy DD's first holiday, just the 3 of us.

i love MIL, she's a nice woman who means well but we're quite different, she's a bit boring i'm afraid and i don't fancy a full week in her company. we had a weekend away with inlaws once and it was so tedious, plus they would bang our door down at the crack of dawn and demand that we all have breakfast together. FIL is also lovely but i would never leave DD with him "to do my own thing" he's way too lax and a bit docile.

MIL has suggested it twice now and i've said both times "that wouldn't be much of a holiday for you having to care for DD, you might as well book your own summer holiday and relax and enjoy yourselves" DP just walks out of the room!

AIBU to ask DP to tell them straight we just want it to be the 3 of us? would i be better just booking our holiday and not mentioning it to them? WWYD?

OP posts:
lessnarkypuffin · 07/02/2011 14:32

Wow. The blinkered pro inlaw thing has really gone too far when people are suggesting they should be able to invite themselves on your holiday.

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 14:32

Just say it's very kind of them to offer but you really want to have some family time with just the three of you.

If you need to go away with them then reserve that pleasure for shorter breaks.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 14:32

walesblackbird that's correct, although she probably wouldn't cause a disagreement (i hope) but i guess he doesn't like saying no to her?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 07/02/2011 14:47

Yadnbu

say no, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

My mum and my mil have both suggested this in the past. Both were told no way, not now, not ever.

happyclapper · 07/02/2011 14:50

Don't let them come. Do whatever it takes but you will resent every moment , even if the reality isn't too bad. My inlaws always join us for the last few days of a holiday which is great but they invited themselves for the whole week last year on the pretext that it cost the same as 2/3 days, which was true and promised that they woudn't invade our space or be with us every day, which was not true.
They hounded us every day despite us trying tactfully to get some time to ourselves. I could barely look them in the face I was so furious by the end of the holiday.
It's up to your hubby to sort it out. Make him realise you will not be happy if they come. Does he really want a pissed off wife for his holiday?

cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 14:54

Also, do it and you'll be setting a precedent where they think it will be a regular thing. Run for the hills!

walesblackbird · 07/02/2011 14:56

It's a really difficult thing to negotiate. My sister was always delighted to take my parents on holidays with her family when her children were younger - babysitters on tap. Then came the time when her kids were a bit older and grampy, particularly, became a bit of an embarrassment to the children and so joint holidays came to an end. And it left a very sour feeling for all concerned for a long time.

I never went down that road - always preferring to have just me, DH and the children so that we could do what we wanted without having to worry about anyone else. Selfish possibly but when you work hard and save hard to have this once a year treat then personally I think it's okay to be selfish and to do what you want to do.

I'm now in the position whereby I have young children (left it very late) and elderly parents and a father who's seriously ill with possibly not long left. And then I know that in order to give my mother a break it's likely that we're going to have to invite her to come with us for at least part of the time. And I know my kids will love it - but it won't be easy and truthfully I'm not looking forward to it. And if that makes me sound like a crap daughter then I can't help it.

nancythenaughtyfairy · 07/02/2011 15:04

I agree with Drop Dead - holiday alone and maybe along weekend with them. I am a very anti-social holocaust and insist it is just our immediate family. It's really the only chance beget to do our own thing and be completely selfish. It's completely understandable and they shouldn't be offended if it comes from you or dp.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 15:05

it's not making you sound like a crap daughter at all walesblackbird

OP posts:
nancythenaughtyfairy · 07/02/2011 15:07

Oops my iPad has a mind of it's own! That was holiday-er not holocaust!

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 15:17

I can offer an alternative opinion.

We went away with my stepson, his partner and their 3yr old last year.

We agreed beforehand that we would be going off to do our own thing quite a bit, and that they would be welcome to join us if they wanted..

It worked out really well, even though we were in apartments next door to each other.

We went out for dinner as a group some nights, and on our own a few nights, and two nights we took grandaughter with us, so that they could go out and have a bit of time to themselves.

We would meet up after dinner on the nights we did our own thing, and have a couple of drinks together in the local bar that we go to every night (we go to this resort about 3 times a year).. and some nights they would go for a wander leaving grandaughter with us while they went to a few of the noisier more rowdy bars..

During the day we were mostly lounging round the pool, and granddaughter loved having 4 people to badger into playing in the pool with her.

It can work out a great holiday if you set the ground rules from the beginning, and you dont make demands on each other.

One of my own oldest memories is going away with my parents and my dads parents to Bournemouth, and is one of the few holidays that I can remember, because it was good fun.

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 15:46

bubblewrapped - now that would be nice, however, my inlaws can't help but over step boundaries. i know it would never work like that! an example is that one day DP and i were arguing, shouting at eachother over something fairly petty. inlaws happened to phone during this argument, DP said he'd phone them back, not to worry but we were having a disagreement. next thing there's a knock on the door, they burst in demanding to know what was going on and being to quiz the two of us like we were 6 years old.

they would suffocate during the holiday, seriously! then unfortunately i really would resent them and i know our relationship would suffer as a consequence.

OP posts:
Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 15:47

*began, not begin. suffocate us, not suffocate!

OP posts:
cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 15:50

Sounds like the best of both worlds Bubblewrapped with everyone enjoying their holiday. A shame that this wouldn't be the case for a lot of people.

Do you think that family holidays are often a control issue? And I hands-up include myself here. That I have my idea of how I'd like the holiday to be, while my Mum and MIL would have a different idea and want to spend every waking minute together 'because it's a family holiday'? Are there just too many Mums in the equation? And do the men not want to make waves but are silently hating it too?

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 15:53

cakeywakey - maybe?

the thing is my family wanted to go on holiday all together too. no mums or MILs, just a few of my cousins with young children. i did consider this as we are all into the same thing, similar age and it would be nice for the kids to all play together.decided not to this year, but will do next year.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 07/02/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MRSMONEYPENNY73 · 07/02/2011 16:51

No you aren't being unreasonable AT ALL. I think it's quite rude of anyone to invite themselves on someones holiday related or not.

Your mil shouldn't be offended if you, or really your dh, explain you just want to have a holiday together just the three of you.

elliott · 07/02/2011 17:00

I wouldn't burn your bridges here. In years to come you might be really really glad of the option of grandparental care - they might even take your dd away on her own and you would get some childfree time!
Can understand that you want a holiday as a family, but rather than say 'no' I would try to arrange perhaps a short break all together as well if you can manage it. Or get them to come and stay while you and dp go away for a night?
just think carefully before setting up barriers. Willing grandparental care is a godsend - perhaps you don't appreciate how much!

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 07/02/2011 17:03

I would just tell dp to let them down gently, just be honest and say 'i don't get much quality time just the 3 of us, so this year I want it to just be us 3'

TallulahDoesTheHula · 07/02/2011 17:04

The obvious answer is to tell her the truth. She is offering to come with you so she can watch DD and you can have some time without DD so just reply 'Thats a really lovely thought but one of the things we are most looking forward to about our first holiday together is spending some time with DD'
She cant argue with that! and it doesnt reflect badly on you at all, the opposite in fact!

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 07/02/2011 17:05

Jingle- my ILs are exactly the same as yours! Lovely but my god, I won't go on holiday with them again for at least a decade!

Original poster
JingleMum · 07/02/2011 17:24

again, thanks for the replies. i think you're right with not burning bridges, i'll be very careful not to do that.

OP posts:
solooovely · 21/02/2011 09:10

Book a holiday somewhere she would hate to go. Safari?

Bogeyface · 21/02/2011 10:42

You need to have a word with your DP about it too, he cant just avoid the situation and let you be the bad guy because they will assume that because YOU said no, it is YOUR decision and then will start working on him to say yes instead. Trust me, I have been on the wrong end of this one and ended up in a caravan in Wales with my IL's. Wales was lovely, IL's....not so much!

solooovely · 21/02/2011 12:18

Eeek, Bogey! In a caravan with in-laws! How did that turn out?!