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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that MIL is BU?

70 replies

CrapBag · 06/02/2011 19:48

Yes I know, a MIL one. Sorry. Smile

I am having an ELCS tomorrow as baby is breech. DH told his mum last week. I also have M.E. and after DS's (natural) birth, I felt really awful and pressured into having visitors when I wasn't completely up to it.

I said to DH that this time will be different. He texted his mum today to tell her that we won't be having any visitors tomorrow, given that I am having major surgery and we are going to be very tired etc.

Her reply was "well you won't be getting any visitors at all then" Hmm

I'm sorry but I found this completely ridiculous. Everyone else I know have said "when you are up to it, let us know" etc etc, but not MIL. DH said she probably has the hump now.

So, AIBU to think that she should understand I don't want anyone (except possibly my GPs who brought me up and they are having DS who I want to see as soon as I am up to it, MIL doesn't actually know this though) there, on the day of surgery, seeing me like that, catheter in, trying to breast feed?

OP posts:
Honeydragon · 06/02/2011 19:50

Let her cut her nose of to spite her face. it sounds like you explained fairly and nicely and she has not expressed any concern for you in that statement like "but I'd feel better if I saw her even for 5 minutes".

UANBU

emskaboo · 06/02/2011 19:51

YA of course NBU and she sounds a right cow! Stick to your guns and keep it as it is. She'll either get over herself, or refuse to visit in which case you are well shot!

AllGoodNamesGone · 06/02/2011 19:51

YANBU.

Let her get on with it. Once the baby is here she won't be able to resist a visit and if she does want to be huffy for a while, well at least you can have a bit longer to rest!

She wants you to give in and say of course she can come whenever she wants. Stick to your guns on this one.

AuntieMaggie · 06/02/2011 19:51

I think she is BU.

It is major surgery for anyone, and there is no way to tell how long it will take you to recover from the drugs and stuff. Besides which because its elective you might end up having it quite late in the day anyway depending on what emergencies come up!

RufousBartleby · 06/02/2011 19:53

Seriously? She's got the hump because she can't visit you on the same day that you have major surgery? The woman sounds like a nightmare!

I'm sure she will come round though and desire to see her new grandchild will win over - don't pander to her though. If she doesn't want to visit - let her get on with it.

Good luck for tomorrow by the way :)

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 19:54

YANBU

Let her sulk, you'll probably get more time to rest, recover and bond now.

missmehalia · 06/02/2011 19:55

Honey, she's being a complete moo. Let her be cross. It will be her that will miss out. I would go very quiet if I were you and DH. Let her sweat out the guilt at having blurted out something so spiteful. And actually, having fewer visitors is exactly what you want. I really get that one - I had an unplanned CS with our second, and visitors was the very last thing I wanted for at least a week. You are NOT being unreasonable. It's crucial for you and your children that you stick to what will make you most comfortable. Cruisy mum, cruisy baby. Hospitals are quite public enough!!

The new little one won't know if Granny shows up or not, but he/she sure as hell will know if you are upset. Distance yourself from this - she'll be feeling pretty stupid now. Let her work out how to come back.

And don't give her anymore info about who is and isn't seeing you in hospital, it'll only inflame things further.

Original poster
CrapBag · 06/02/2011 19:55

I will be sticking to my guns, don't worry. Smile

I'm not giving in just because someone is having a strop about it. Last time we had a snide comment from DH's uncle. He coudldn't visit because they had 2 youngish DDs and it is the mothers children only allowed on the ward, plus we said GPs and my siblings only at the hospital else it would be too much. He had to drop in a comment that "of course, it was only close family allowed at the hospital"

If people don't like it, tough tits, tbh.

OP posts:
teenyanne · 06/02/2011 19:56

She's BU saying "you won't be having any visitors at all", but if you are seeing your GPs on the same day, who are the equivalent of your own parents, then IMO it's a bit unreasonable that your dh's parents aren't allowed to visit, since it's his child too.

Although I understand - I didn't want to see anyone after my CS - (and I don't like my MIL at all, so I think I have a squewed view of MIL's in general), but I can see how hurtful it would be that your GPs were allowed to visit, but your DH's parents were not.

missmehalia · 06/02/2011 19:56

And look forward to your giving birth-day tomorrow! I remember it all very well, it's a special time.

Original poster
CrapBag · 06/02/2011 20:01

teenyanne the only reason my GPs are possibly coming up is because I want to see DS. Otherwise no one would be coming up. If I don't feel up to it, they won't be. My nan has already said they are prepared to wait until I go home. MIL doesn't know any of this though. All she has been told is no visits on the day of my surgery.

OP posts:
BigChiefOrganiser · 06/02/2011 20:01

Yes teeny, but it's not their DS having major surgery, it's their DIL, and her wishes come above her DH's or her MIL's.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 20:01

But the OP's GP's will be there because they have her DS and the OP will want to see him.

Btw Congratulations :)

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 20:02

x posts

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/02/2011 20:02

YANBU.

There is always the likelihood that your elective will be delayed anyway - I don't mean to another day, but if the hospital have loads of EMCS etc then you will be bumped down the list. By the time you are out of recovery it may well be too late for them to come.

Stick to your guns and tell her she can come for a visit once you are up to it.

I had my PILs visit me in hospital with DS, and actually with hindsight I should just have been concentrating on sleeping and getting BFing sorted. I'm due in 7 weeks, and things are going to be a little different this time!
It isn't that I don't like my PILs, far from it, but I am very very tempted to say my parents only until we are home.

frgr · 06/02/2011 20:05

She is being VVVVVVVU.

You're going through major sugery, was pressured into having far more visitors than you felt comfortable with last time?

Tell her to go fuck herself, frankly.

It always amazes me the amount of people who think a woman having a baby means they get to disregard her feelings re: what is an is not acceptable for visiting.

At least you have your partner's support - that's the least I'd expect - and one which far too many MNers don't seem to get in these situations.

Stick to your guns!

COCKadoodledooo · 06/02/2011 20:08

She is being really REALLY fucking unreasonable!

No one came to visit us on the day ds2 was born (same situation as you), well, except for dh, and my friend popped in for literally 2 minutes when she dropped off ds1 who had been staying with her.

My folks came the following day. Dh's parents came the day after we came home from hospital. This was a huge improvement on what happened when ds1 was born, when they came the day we left hospital, waking me and the babe when they arrived. And they Wouldn't. Fucking. Leave.

This time I felt stronger. They turned up 2 hours before ds1 was due at a party. Dh said he was taking him, and me and the babe were going to have a sleep. "Well we'll wait until you get back then, we'll be no bother."

Grr says I, under my breath. Dh told them no, it was time to go. How it should have been first time round.

I say stick to your guns op. I hope your dh is supportive. And I hope things go well for you tomorrow!

JamieLeeCurtis · 06/02/2011 20:08

She's being ridiculous. Ignore her tantrummy behaviour

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 06/02/2011 20:11

Ah she'll get over, she'll bloody have to.

saffy85 · 06/02/2011 20:11

YANBU. Ignore MIL she is being silly and childish. Anyway it's inevitable she'll visit the minute she can and if she doesn't her loss- you and your DH will have your hands full and your new baby simply will not give a shit if she's there or not.

I don't get this childish arguement some people have of "well if the dad's parents can't visit their new DGC why does the mum's parents get to?" World of difference attempting breastfeeding while looking like 5 kinds of shit in front of your own mum whilst recovering from either major surgery (as in OP's case) or labour and VB, and being in that state in front of someone else's mum!

Booandpops · 06/02/2011 20:19

UANBU. I had elective with my second and I put my foot down about pil coming as when I had my eldest they were very pushy and intrusive. As it happens I didn't go in till 2.30pm due to emergancys so by the time we were settled in the ward there was barely time to see my eldest and my own parents who had her over night.
There us no way she won't visit again What a ridiculous comment on her part!!

Booandpops · 06/02/2011 20:20

Ps enjoy your new baby. Good luck x

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2011 20:23

However right you are and however unreasonable she is being, she is hurt. So would I be.
Nothing you can do about it, but at least acknowledge that's how she feels.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2011 20:24

Oh, and Congratulations in advance!
:)

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 06/02/2011 20:26

If her response had been different I might have edged towards yabu, as it is you are defo not bu!

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