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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that MIL is BU?

70 replies

CrapBag · 06/02/2011 19:48

Yes I know, a MIL one. Sorry. Smile

I am having an ELCS tomorrow as baby is breech. DH told his mum last week. I also have M.E. and after DS's (natural) birth, I felt really awful and pressured into having visitors when I wasn't completely up to it.

I said to DH that this time will be different. He texted his mum today to tell her that we won't be having any visitors tomorrow, given that I am having major surgery and we are going to be very tired etc.

Her reply was "well you won't be getting any visitors at all then" Hmm

I'm sorry but I found this completely ridiculous. Everyone else I know have said "when you are up to it, let us know" etc etc, but not MIL. DH said she probably has the hump now.

So, AIBU to think that she should understand I don't want anyone (except possibly my GPs who brought me up and they are having DS who I want to see as soon as I am up to it, MIL doesn't actually know this though) there, on the day of surgery, seeing me like that, catheter in, trying to breast feed?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 06/02/2011 20:28

YANBU!!!!! I was raging with pil when had 3rd dc as when my dh went to collect our other dcs(who were staying with them) they followed him in car and breezed in seconds later!(3 hours after my op when I was still immobile!).I had wanted my dcs to meet new baby with just dh and meAngry. They also came round my house on the day I got out of hosp and my dh buggered off to shops leaving me to entertain(ie make coffee/sandwiches etc) for them and sil!(and they sat there and let meShock. Since joining mn I have learned to be alot more assertive and wouldnt put up with that shit anymore!.Tell your mil to go feck herself imo.

KittaKatta · 06/02/2011 20:49

Who would expect you to put up with visitors the same day you had your pancreas removed or a kidney or a hysterectomy? After all a CS planned or emergency is still major abdo surgery. Just because the surgery comes with a baby don't make it any less major surgery. A CS is the only major abdo surgery that it's assumed that you will be up and running in so small a time scale. I've recently had surgery (keyhole) and if anyone other than OH has wanted to see me much less expect me to entertain them on the same day I'd have killed them. Just because CS are 'common' now shouldn't take away from the disruption to your body, as for the hormone levels.
She is totally BU

NellieForbush · 06/02/2011 20:53

YANBU. You're the one having major surgery you decide who gets to come and see you.

Good Luck!

NellieForbush · 06/02/2011 20:54

But brace yourself for a MIL coming along to tell you you're being U and selfish....

hugglymugly · 06/02/2011 21:06

Every time I read a post like this, I feel so sorry for those having to deal with such demanding and insensitive people. I hope no-one minds if I write about my story.

I had my first child back in the 1970s, when first-timers stayed in hospital for ten days post birth. Visiting hours for non-partners were restricted to Saturdays and Thursdays only.

DH and I decided that his parents would be the first grandparents to visit, partly because they had hoped for a very long time for a grandchild ? my DH's only and much older sibling had been married for around 15 years by then but had no children. And partly because my sister had given birth to her first child, therefore my parents' first grandchild, just six weeks earlier and my parents had been the first to visit them.

When I told my parents what the arrangements were, I got the cat's bum look from my mother, as obviously her "rights" as the mother of the mother had been thwarted.

That was the first lightbulb moment of the difference between my mother and my MIL. For my PILs it was just over-the-moon delight (occasionally too "over") in their grandchild whereas for my mother it was about what she perceived to be her rights or status.

Every time I read a post like this, I transpose MIL for (D)M and it's the same situation. The OP's MIL is being unreasonable because she's an unreasonable person.

MsKLo · 06/02/2011 21:33

Course she is being unreasonable and you should not have to hide that your gp's are coming either!

Booandpops · 06/02/2011 21:44

Oh if only hospitals were a bit more strict about visitors now days. That would be bliss. (in my case). Lol

TheButterflyCollector · 06/02/2011 21:46

What an attitude for MIL to take! I had a breeze of an ECS but even so wouldn't have wanted anyone visiting me the same day, it's all far too much. You stick to your guns and let MIL stew!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/02/2011 22:09

Nanny0gg - I am genuinely curious as to why you would be hurt?

The OP is going to have had major surgery, why should she see people if she doesn't want to?

I get on well with my PILs, especially MIL, and she knows that she will be v.welcome to visit as often as she likes once we're home - in fact the plan is that she will come up and stay for a week or so sometime in the first few weeks after the baby is born, just like she did when I had DS. But she has the good sense not to be trying to batter the door down when the baby is a matter of hours old and I'm feeling like crap.
I love her for the fact that she doesn't start insisting on her 'rights' as a grandmother.

curlymama · 06/02/2011 22:10

She sounds very selfish. Is she usually the sort of person that likes to make everything about her?

But you get to have your baby tommorow! Hope it all goes well for you.

alicet · 06/02/2011 22:14

But NannyOgg while she can be hurt and disappointed (fair enough) she should keep this to herself, or at least just say 'well I am disappointed but let me know when I can come'. Her reaction is like a toddler, and like a tantruming toddler best ignored till they calm down.

OP YANBU - stick to your guns. I don't think anyone has the right to visit before you are ready except the babies dad!

Have to say though it might be worth trying to get her visit out of the way while you are in hospital as the restricted visiting times mean that she will not be able to out stay her welcome!

Good luck tomorrow. I had sections with both mine (1 emergency 1 elective). My best post section tip is truely enormous pants - think at least 2 sizes bigger than your usual and right up to your boobs. Makes things much more comfy.

Nicdigby · 06/02/2011 22:37

She's upset, but she's being selfish. She'll get over it. She has a huge incentive to do so (the new baby who she's obviously keen to see). Ignore her, and relax knowing that she won't be visiting that first day. Enjoy your baby!

onepieceoflollipop · 06/02/2011 22:43

We had similar with my mil. In fact she even rang dh just after the birth. She thought Hmm that rather than dh and our dd1 coming to visit me and dd2, she might be doing the visit instead. double Hmm

Anyway, the next day we invited her to come with fil (before my own dm due to circumstances). She wouldn't as she was having her hair done! Shock

Hope all goes well with the birth :)

blackeyedsusan · 06/02/2011 22:45

There is a hell of a lot of difference between seeing your (g)parents after your operation. Most people want their (g)mum there when they are ill. Mil is not your mum and it is unreasonble for her to even think about visiting you after a major operation. Yanbu

rosie0000 · 06/02/2011 22:45

YADNBU! I'm due baby no. 3 in about 7 weeks and we won't have visitors other than DC's with PIL, if I'm up to it. Not looking forward to visiting hours, though, as if it's anything like last two times, it'll be bedlam with 5 other women's entire extended families arriving at once. The ward used to stink afterwards of BO and fag smoke. Thankfully at least the c section mothers tended to get their own rooms.

Good luck and all the very best!

GrumpyFish · 06/02/2011 22:51

YANBU. I am in exactly your position re birth of DC2 (due in a couple of month) and have already decided that PILs will not be allowed in on the day of my ELCS. And to be honest, only the next day if I feel up to it. After my EMCS last time I was innundated with visitors, still had catheter, trying to BF, exhasuted, it was awful.

My parents may be invited to visit on the same day as they will have DS and like you, I would like to see him. And I agree that letting your own parents see you in a bit of a state is totally different that letting someone elses. As background though, I am not close to PILs (no animosity, they are just generally disinterested in me, and I suspect that if I took a new grandchild out of the equation they would not be interested at all in visiting me after surgery!).

cees · 06/02/2011 22:52

Nanny0gg, mil may be a little put out but her attitude stinks, no matter how she feels she should wish her dil well and support her decision, she shouldn't threaten to not bother visiting again. That's just childish.

Crapbag, all the best for tomorrow Smile

kalo12 · 06/02/2011 22:53

i say lucky you.

good luck with it all

Flisspaps · 06/02/2011 22:55

YANBU.

It's not as if you're saying that she has to wait ages to see the baby, or that she's never allowed to come.

Has DH also mentioned to her that FIL/SIL aren't welcome to pop on the ward and visit at anytime either?

JingleMum · 06/02/2011 23:03

of course YANBU

who do people think they are? how can she think like that?

i had an emergency c-section after a long and traumatic labour and i was totally and completely overwhelmed by the number of visitors i received and tbh i think that was one of the reasons i didn't bond with DD in the beginning.

i stayed in hospital for 5 days and on the 3rd day i said to DP "no visitors today" as i was trying to establish breastfeeding and was heartbroken that i felt no bond with my DD. he threw a strop because his parents had every right to see the baby (who said they never? not me) i wouldn't mind but they'd been there the previous 2 days. i still get pissed off thinking about it and if i have another child it will be on my terms and my terms only with regards to visitors.

you're bring a child into the world tomorrow, well done! don't give MIL a second thought, just enjoy that amazing day. x

ratspeaker · 06/02/2011 23:06

YANBU

Take time to recover
I know you will be desperate to see your DS but maybe rethink about having him visit so soon after the op as he may not understand why you cant cuddle him properly

But as to your MIL let her be, she's turningt he birth into being about HER not you and the baby
I hope if I ever become a granny I'll be wanting to help, rather than using the birth as a photo opportunity or for showing off presents I'd bought
Having had my time as a new mother I hope I have the sense to offer to run a vaccum around the house, put a wash on, get some shopping in, let the new mum get a bath or a shpwer rather than expect to be lauded and waited on

CrispyCakeHead · 06/02/2011 23:11

YANBU; your op, your baby, your rules!

now try and put her out of your mind and relax before the big day

Good Luck and enjoy your new LO Smile

amberleaf · 06/02/2011 23:33

This why i worry about when my 3 sons have children of their own.

Mothers of sons tend not to get considered [i know this is a huge generalisation!]

I think its a real shame.

I think YABU.

Its not just about YOU having an op is it? its the birth of your child..her sons child and her grandchild.

I would be hurt and pissed off if i were her.

Maybe those feelings are what prompted her outburst which to be honest sounds like hurt feelings talking.

kissncuddle · 06/02/2011 23:38

Amberleaf - maybe you will be one those cool and hip and understanding MIL's so I would not worry yet.

I did not want anyone but my DH around after the birth, but that is me. It does not mean I don't think well of my parents or pil.

Itchymisery · 06/02/2011 23:43

Amberleaf - I only have a son so sort of see where you are coming from until you say YABU. The op will have had an operation, as you point out - an operation to have a baby, no less, and tons of hormones running amok, she will be in pain and in recovery. If she can't put herself first then, when?

Why should she put her MIL's feelings above her own on that day of all days? It's not to say that MILs' feelings are not important generally but I really feel mum should come first.

Otherwise you are talking about an exhausted person, in pain, having their own feelings hurt and ignored all so someone doesn't have to wait a day or so.