to think that MIL is BU?

[CrapBag]

Yes I know, a MIL one. Sorry.

I am having an ELCS tomorrow as baby is breech. DH told his mum last week. I also have M.E. and after DS's (natural) birth, I felt really awful and pressured into having visitors when I wasn't completely up to it.

I said to DH that this time will be different. He texted his mum today to tell her that we won't be having any visitors tomorrow, given that I am having major surgery and we are going to be very tired etc.

Her reply was "well you won't be getting any visitors at all then"

I'm sorry but I found this completely ridiculous. Everyone else I know have said "when you are up to it, let us know" etc etc, but not MIL. DH said she probably has the hump now.

So, AIBU to think that she should understand I don't want anyone (except possibly my GPs who brought me up and they are having DS who I want to see as soon as I am up to it, MIL doesn't actually know this though) there, on the day of surgery, seeing me like that, catheter in, trying to breast feed?

I have to agree with amberleaf, I get the point "you only want your own Mum there after a major op" and having had an emcs I understand what its like. But its still then birth of a new baby in the family to - and if one set of "parents" get to see the baby that day (regardless of reasons) and the other doesnt...well I can see why MIL was upset, doesnt excuse her rudeness obviously.

Itchymisery i get your point but why does putting herself first have to exclude the MIL?

Im sure MIL wouldnt come in and bounce on the bed! she is probably just very excited about seeing her grandchild.

I just think its unreasonable to not let her visit that day.

I was touched by people wanting to come and see me and my babies when they were born. i didnt see it as an imposition at all.

also op her not knowing now that your GPs are going to come.....she will find out about that in due course no doubt and will feel even more put out!

amberleaf - hopefully you'll be a great MIL one day, not interfering, helpful, and have a strong relationship with your DIL (i have a large family and everybody has fantastic relationships with their DILs and grandkids) but seriously, she is not being unreasonable! have you ever had a c-section? this isn't about MIL, she'll just have to wait until the day after to see her grandchild. her feelings unfortunately don't matter that much on that precious day, neither does the OP's grandparent's feelings. it's all about mum, dad and baby.

yanbu and shes a total cow...cant believe how mils seem to think theyve a divine right to being insensitive. you are the only person's wishes that matter not bloody hers. some mils are downright bullies and should be punished with ostracism from our lives! honestly!

I would text back with "I will thanks, just not you. Its not all about you, you know. Byeee!"

And I have 3 sons, and I love my MIL. And yours is being a cow bag.

amberleaf - I've got a DS, and we think that DC2 is going to be a boy too.
I still stand by what I said, which is that on the day that you have major surgery you don't necessarily want to see your MIL.

Can I ask you if you had a section with any of your children?

The OP is not talking about banning MIL for days and weeks on end - those threads do upset me because I think that MILs have a right to want to see their new GC, but not when you have had major surgery.

YANBU! Stick to your guns!

My sister had a c-section and when she was still in the recovery room her MIL, FIL and SIL were all there holding the baby before she'd had a chance to hold him. She says she felt very ill and felt resentful that they were there and that they ruined the first few hours after the birth.

Pretty that is awful.

OP is SO NBU.

I'm the mother of sons and a new grandmother (beautiful dgd is now 5 weeks old) and I've probably gone the other way so far as not wanting to push in where I might not be wanted. Such that my son and ddl have both insisted that I'm welcome at any time!

After an induction that didn't really get going, my ddil ended up having an emergency CS and my son phoned me shortly before she went into theatre and said both of them wanted me to meet my new grand-daughter as soon as possible. En route to the hospital he phoned again and told me I was now a grandmother and my dgd couldn't wait to see me. So I had the joy of holding her half an hour after she was born and for that I am hugely grateful. It was a magical moment but certainly, I was very careful not to outstay my welcome.

When I had dcs (in the same hospital) they were much stricter about who could visit and when but I was glad to see that even now, they still keep a very close eye on the number of visitors and the duration of visits and will actually ask people to come back later or on another day if they think there's been enough visiting for one day.

If I'd been told that ds and ddil wanted that first day free from visitors I'd have respected their wishes and certainly I cannot imagine behaving so childishly as the OP's MIL. There's a lifetime of joy ahead so why spoil things for everyone so early on?

As a MIL and grandparent you have to walk a very careful path. One that may well involve keeping your opinions to yourself! Only I'm not so out of touch as to not remember my own (and now former!) MIL's constant interference.

Sometimes I think it is harder to be a grandparent than it ever was to be a parent. But a bit of thoughtfulness can go an awfully long way to ensure harmony all round!

She is B soooooo U.

How petty, immature and nasty of her. Ignore her. Do what YOU need to do to get over the birth. If she then refuses to visit later on...well that's her loss.

Oh and GloriaSmut - what a lovely post!

You are being a BU if you are allowing your family to visit. That's not really fair. Why not say she can come for 10 mins only?

PS. I would just say that I think it is only fair to be consistent. It is hard to justify allowing one set of grandparents to visit while denying another - even if you do insist on the visit being a very short one. In our case, both doting grandmothers met our beautiful dgd almost immediately after she'd been born - we were there together but then we are friends anyway. The rest of the world was invited to wait a little longer. Which seems only fair too.

To answer queries - I did say that MIL was BU and that the OP must do what she feels comfortable with, and I completely understand why she wouldn't want any visitors.
I was only speaking as I would feel if I had to wait until much later than other GPs to meet my GC, again however U I was being.

I am not saying the OP should have changed her plans and the MIL should have kept quiet.

Hope all has gone well for the OP.

Gloriasmut. You are my heroine. PLease can you give mil lessons or write a book I can pass on!!!

I have one dd and one Ds and I hope that with both children I will be able to let them live their lives without constant pushing and interference and that I will be welcome to my children when grown. Not "put up with" or worse " resented".
My exs boyfriends mum was a lovely lady. I miss her now. My mil let's say we have a civil relationship but we are not close. So i have had both deals and know which path to choose.

Op. Please do post here again if you can and us know how you got on with your lovely new babe X

Ooh yes CrapBag - I was thinking about you earlier. Hope all went well

I had no visitors at all on the birth days of either of my babies. The day after - fine - bring them on... but the actual day was private (plus I was practically hallucinating with pain/drugs/adrenalin/hormones).

YANBU

GloriaSmut it sounds like you give lots of thought to the delicate MIL/DIL relationship and so have a great relationship with your DIL and GC. Some of the MIL horrors I've read about on here should read your book (seriously think there may be a market here)!

Still think the OP can't please everyone so should think first about what is 'fair' to her and not have to worry about offending anyone else. At least for a day or two...

Hope she's back soon to tell us how it went!

When I had DD everything that could go wrong did (not quite true - we ended up with a lovely DD). I was pretty much out of it for days and bonding was postponed until I regained my faculties and the use of my limbs. My and DHs families were so worried but all accepted that DH would tell them when the time was right to visit. I was so grateful for that - I think seeing me in such a state would have been terrifying to them and to me. Your MIL is Very UR.

Back for an update seeing as people have asked, thank you.

Had DD on Monday morning. Really didn't want a CS anyway but it has turned out to be an amazing experience. I (by accident) managed to get my own room after and spend a very nice and relaxed 2 days in hospital. DD and I are home and both doing very well. DS is a very proud big brother and DH is doing everything, I am just feeding DD and resting.

The visits.
I did get my GPs to bring DS up the afternoon after the CS and my dad came up that evening, I felt surprisingly well, haven't felt so well in a while, I also have M.E., which is why I got to keep the room that I was put in temporarily. I did say to DH to wait until the Tuesday to see how I felt wrt to visitors, didn't know if it was all going to catch up with me. I felt ok and we did tell ILs they could come at 2 (I still wanted GPs to bring DS after) but FIL had an appointment and MIL works early evenings so they couldn't make it. Wednesday we came home but as I didn't know when I would be discharged, we didn't have any visitors. We did leave at 1pm but we went straight to my GPs to pick up DS and got home about 3. Still had no visitors (even though I got a text from my cousin saying that he and his DP were coming around that evening, I put him off). ILs came up this afternoon with MIL going on about "has so and so seen DD yet, when is so and so coming?" which was slightly annoying given that I only gave birth Monday and we only came home yesterday. She also slightly playfully 'pushed' me whilst I was sat next to her, which slightly jolted my body and made my scar twinge and I did give her a bit of a look and reminded her I have just had surgery. She did bring a present for DS though which was nice so he wasn't left out and she bought a nice outfit for DD.

Has been so much more relaxed this time. I'm not a hormonal mess like I was, we aren't being hassled by people wanting to come up and I am not afraid to say that people have to wait (MIL did mention something about when SIL is going to see DD, given that we had half a word text from her the day after and she never bothers normally and isn't bothered this time, I did say she will have to wait as we have some people coming up at the weekend and I don't want too many).

I just can't get over how well I'm feeling (I'm not overdoing it, not really doing much) but given how much I was dreading a CS, it has been a really positive experience so far and DD is doing great and feeding well.