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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if your children are 9&12 you should have a job??!!

91 replies

stoppinchingthedummy · 06/02/2011 14:47

Ok i dont want a flaming and this is more about a family member than anyone else but i need to ask

Ok my aunt and uncle live in the same town as me ..we dont see each other much mainly because were busy BUT my auntie drives me mad ...She is about 42 ,hasnt ever worked since her dc were born and im not sure if she did before that tbh ...Her dc are 9&12 and she just spends her whole life busybodying in other peoples lives!! Petitions,letters to various mp's about one thing or another ,standing outside the school gate from 2.45pm every day usually with some kind of clip board about something or other!!

It gets my back up more because she seems to think everything is a competition , i run an after school club and all of a sudden she decides she will write to all parents at her local school about starting one there Hmm then when the response is low she keeps a low profile for a couple of days then all of a sudden when we have a new enquiry she makes a new poster for the school one and tries to encourage the children from our club to go to that one Hmm(no encouragement needed as school one is always going to be cheaper) It wouldnt bother me if it was someone directly involved with school attempting to set one up but why is she always involved in everything.

Then the latest thing is childminding ...but not registered as far as i know (although ive no way of finding out) she just gets the parents to pay her cash then if anyone asks she tells them she does it as a favour or to play with her dc!! AIBU to be feeling like she needs to get herself a job that occupies her mind ??

OP posts:
NellieForbush · 06/02/2011 16:28

YABU and a busybody - what's it to you? So you set up an afterschool club (what a good idea) but don't like it when she does the same? How weird.

Bitching about her not being a registered childminder then admitting you don't have any idea if this is true or not....? Shock

BendyBob · 06/02/2011 16:30

I am 46 have children of 9 and 12 and don't work. Problem?Hmm(I give clipboards a miss as a rule)

You don't sound like you like your aunty much for some reason but if you don't even see her much..I can't see why you're upsetConfused.

FellatioNelson · 06/02/2011 18:01

I think too many people make too big a deal about working (for the sake of it) as though we are somehow leeching of someone (who exactly? Confused if we don't. And women feel guilty for having 7 days a week to spread their household/maternal duties across. But the reality is that everyone who works looks forward to the weekend, and curses that they have to fit so many other responsibilities into so little time. My DH, who earns far more than I ever could, would really NOT appreciate having to share mundane household responsibilities at the end of a long week working in London, (and a hideous commute) so that I can go and add 10% or 20% a year more to our income, and then have to spend loads of it sorting out children's travel arrangements, holiday clubs and dog walking. Hmm

I could get a job tomorrow (assuming anyone would have me/want me in this recession) but for the percentage difference it would make to our income, it is not worth the logistical headache it creates for children/dogs/household management, travel costs, my work wardrobe, lunches, petrol etc etc.

jellybeans · 06/02/2011 18:05

YABU Why should she work if she doesn't want/need to? Why sell her time/labour if she can use it in a way which benefits her/her kids/school?

Species8472 · 06/02/2011 18:08

YABU.

My BIL's wife is 45, they have DCs aged 5 and 11 and she hasn't worked since pg with the first one. She seems very busy though, endlessly ferrying to clubs and activities etc and involved with the school. They're not claiming off the state and BIL works his arse off with his own business, so who cares if she works or not.

Violethill · 06/02/2011 18:12

FN- I can see it must feel a bit soul destroying if going to work is only going to raise your family income by a small percentage. But a lot of women have very similar earning ability as their husband. I do wonder what the husbands think about it in situations like that, where they carry the entire financial responsibility. I also hope they are happy to be paying into a pension for their wife as it would be very short sighted not to plan for the future.
As far as the op is concerned though, I don't see why she's bothered. As long as the other womans husband doesn't mind her not working, then its their business.

mumeeee · 06/02/2011 18:21

YABU. Why should she have a job. It's completly up to her how she lives her life

Hulababy · 06/02/2011 18:25

YABU to think she should get a job. Her choice.

I actually work PT but if I couldn't get a job that was flexible enough to let me have school holidays off and be home to collect DD from school every day, and have time to fit in housework (hate doing it in evenings and weekends) then I would probably not work either. And DD is 8y. DD still needs (and more importantly would like) me to be around after school and in holidays.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/02/2011 18:26

Fellatio's posts are ringing so unbelievably true to my life. (Although my 4 are younger, but all at full-time school).

This family works as a team - I run the day to day life so he can go out and work these onerous hours in the necessary places to earn an income that is sufficient for our family's needs.

If I went out to work, in all likelihood, I would need to pay for some form of wraparound care and holiday clubs which would cost more than I could earn.

There's only futility in me going and earning a tenth (or less) of what he earns only to lay out more in childcare costs.

We are both exceedingly happy with our arrangements, and as has been said to the OP, they are nobody's business.

I am currently trying to start a small business from the home, but after seeing the sneery thread about hobby businesses, I'm sure all my attempts will only be met with scathing looks from all those who think a woman should have a proper job, with no justification for any other lifestyle.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 06/02/2011 18:27

No i didnt set up my own after school club i just run it ...and i didnt even know my auntie until 2 years ago because we hadnt seen each other since i was 9 - then one day they decided to live by us ...i made a huge effort with them and over time ive discovered that she isnt very nice ..quite spiteful and will cause trouble where she can ...Im not sure why your still discussing I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE TO BE BOTHERED WHAT SHE IS DOING ok!

OP posts:
Violethill · 06/02/2011 18:30

In that case, If she's spiteful, just steer clear. She's clearly not a contented or fulfilled person if shes like that, but you don't need to spend time with her just because she's moved into the area.

Rebeccaruby · 06/02/2011 18:35

Hmmm. I think YANBU if she is claiming benefits, or making a big deal about the fact that she is making some sort of sacrifice. But YABU if she is just rich. Would you work if you won the lottery? I wouldn't.

Well, that's not true because I am a creative writer who has had a few things published, and I have 15 000 words of a novel finished (that's not much of the average novel, btw), and I would throw myself into that, so I suppose that would technically be a "job" in the same way you wouldn't say J K Rowling did nothing all day!

But I would query the whole business of her childminding for cash. That is unfair, because she might be undercutting registered minders who have to jump through health and safety hoops, and pay tax. Appreciate there might be a grey area if she is just doing the odd day, when you might need cover for a while but can hardly take out a contract with a childminder, when this might be useful.

Also, it would depend on what the petitions and letters to MPs are for. if she is using her time to campaign for Amnesty International or Save The Rainforest, that's different to writing Hyacinth Bucket type letters about parking restrictions, IYSWIM.

MissAnglia · 06/02/2011 18:35

I don't think the issue is that she doesn't have a job, it's the fact that you don't like the way she behaves. I don't work, and haven't since DS was born (who is now 8). My DH works away a lot, and so for me to work would mean child-minders every day from early in the morning, and I don't want that for him. When he was born we agreed that we wanted to do the majority of caring for him, which is why I am still at home. It's very difficult to find decent jobs which run from 9.15 - 3.00 term-time only.

However, I don't poke my nose into other people's business, but do my share of voluntary work and have recently graduated from the Open University.

I think your attitude is a bit "chippy" TBH.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 06/02/2011 18:37

Violethill i spent time with her because i felt it was my duty to introduce her to some people,i helped her(and my uncle and cousins) find a house and school etc ..i dont spend much time with her now because her life is about getting one up on someone else ..this week its about my brother moving to the school her ds is at and her imediatte reaction was "oh he wont be in xx(cousins) form its already too busy" i dont get why she wouldnt be going out of her way to encourage school to put them in the same class ..but i wont spend anymore time wondering why she is doing what she does.

OP posts:
Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 06/02/2011 18:38

oh and they are far from rich ...infact just making their money from uncle working and her doing cash in hand jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 06/02/2011 18:40

The letters to mp's ,school governers or whoever is on the hit list is usually about something minor but hey like someone said i guess someone has to change these things ..i agree with that :) The registering and childminding the reason i said i dont know is because she wasnt a couple of weeks ago however has taken on a new child and apparently another in the pipeline and for all i know over the past fortnight she could have been

OP posts:
jellybeans · 06/02/2011 20:10

' I do wonder what the husbands think about it in situations like that, where they carry the entire financial responsibility'

Yes but the wife is shouldering the whole caring responsibility, he never has to worry about going sick off work etc.

Violethill · 06/02/2011 20:15

I should think he'd be petrified of going sick off work as the sole earner!!

Salmotrutta · 06/02/2011 20:24

Well, I know some women who don't work 'cos their husbands earn enough and they don't want to take a job from someone who needs it more.
Each to their own surely?

bupcakesandcunting · 06/02/2011 20:30

I don't plan on going back to work until DS is thirty.

jellybeans · 06/02/2011 22:29

Oops. What I meant was taking time off if the kids were sick etc! I know my DH never has to worry about what shifts he is doing/childcare etc as I am always home. That's what I meant.

Also, is becoming reliant on two incomes any better? If you then NEED both incomes to survive you have two jobs to worry about keeping. As a SAHP you can always get a job if required as an extra income.

MadamDeathstare · 06/02/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nicdigby · 06/02/2011 22:40

you're annoyed cos she's a busy body and she annoys you. You wish she would do something more useful and less annoying with her life. This could be a job, it could be anything, but it's not your business whether or not she wants to get a job, or could do, or needs to. S

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/02/2011 22:42

Why does it bother you so much? She seems to really get under your skin.

MadamDeathstare · 06/02/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.