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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not...

54 replies

hehastobekidding · 06/02/2011 13:48

I walked into the (open plan) kitchen today at about 10.30am, bare foot so dh didn't hear me coming. He was on the laptop watching porn, with dd2 (16mths) asleep in the pushchair behind him and dd1 playing in her room.

This is so not ok on so many fronts is it... what if dd2 had come down barefoot?

He is unemployed, very very depressed and drinking too much. A mess really. Sex life nonexistant (and tbh I don't want it) and we are having a horrible time. No excuse though is it? Is it?

He has so much time alone at home fgs... I can understand a wish to view porn but not with the girls around surely? He left a 'youporn' google search window open a few weeks ago with dd1 playing around downstairs and I read the riot act.

Just want out now.

OP posts:
MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 13:50

Oh yuck. This is absolutely not on. Did he seem contrite at all?

Chil1234 · 06/02/2011 13:50

YANBU but this has to be the start of a bigger conversation rather than stop there. Depression, unemployement, excess drinking, relationship breakdown, boredom... pick one and tackle it together constructively?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/02/2011 13:50

I'd be pissed. Not because of the porn particularly, but the context. Highly inappropriate IMO. Are you ok?

Original poster
hehastobekidding · 06/02/2011 13:52

We have been to relate... once - he didn't want to go back. Too many issues he'd have to confront I think.

He was not at all contrite. I asked him how he dared disrespect our family in such a way. He said he was going out to buy fags... that was nearly 3 hours ago.

Chickens - thank you - I am far from ok {weak} Smile.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 06/02/2011 13:59

Sounds like what he needs most is a job... Is he making much effort to find one or just wasting time on the laptop & drinking etc?

jenga079 · 06/02/2011 14:05

Oh you poor thing. I hope you've got a cup of tea and some biccies handy. Hopefully he is out having a long think about how to put things right.

Like you and chickens, the porn wouldn't worry me too much, but the context would. I agree with chil though. It sounds like this morning was a symptom of a wider problem. Can you get a babysitter one evening so that you can go through everything calmly and sensibly?

Good luck. Hug.

hairylights · 06/02/2011 14:06

What are you going to do about it? Surely it's an untenable relationship with those circumstances?

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2011 14:10

The porn would worry me in this context. I don't get how he could be watching porn with a child in the room regardless of whether she was asleep or not. I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful. And tacky.

I'm sorry - that probably doesn't help much. I don't know what to say really. I would be livid.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 14:17

I agree with belle

No respect for family life being shown here by him

I would be very, very angry and thinking hard about whether I wanted to be with a bloke like this

Original poster
hehastobekidding · 06/02/2011 14:41

Well quite AF!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 15:06

YOu poor thing, i seems he does have a lot of issues

No excuse for doing what he did though...watching porn with litle ones around, then having a tantrum when you (rightly) pull him up on it ...very, very much out of order

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 15:08

Have you asked him what he does with his stiffy after these porn-watching episodes when there are children around ?

Men watch porn to get turned on and have a wank...

very inappropriate

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2011 15:30

AF - my thoughts exactly.

portaloo · 06/02/2011 15:46

When DD was very small (under 6 mnths), she used to sleep in the frontroom. She never slept upstairs during the day. XP would look after DD if I had to go out, and every single time, I'd discover he'd been looking at porn online, sitting at the pc, less than 3 feet away from DD. It caused some huge arguments. He had lots of time when I took DD out, or when I was home and DD was in bed/I was in bath etc. The PC was downstairs in the living room, big tower thing.

It still makes me feel yukky to this day. What's worse, is I discovered some of the sites he would go on were 'Women and Dogs'.

I also found random pubes on the keyboard.

Feel sick writing this, but all I could think was 'What the hell was he thinking while he was doing this?' If he gave DD a single thought, it was more than likely hoping she didn't wake before the crucial moment. Makes me want to rip his head off all over again.

Not something I'd tolerate again, ever. It's a deal breaker for me.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 16:00

women and dogs ?

wtf ???

thank fuck he is your ex, portaloo

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 16:11

Confused on one aspect, although I know MN can be very anti-porn... What is the difference between him watching porn and possibly having a wank while a baby is asleep in the same room, and having sex with your partner while baby is still sleeping in the same bedroom?

I understand the worry about the eldest DD walking in, but not the worry about the baby?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 16:14

sponge...the baby less so for me (although not great)

it was the fact that OP very easily walked in on him....so could the other dd, mid wank very possibly

inappropriate

ongakgak · 06/02/2011 16:18

I caught my dad watching porn as a child, and I cannot tell you the damage it has done to our relationship.

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 16:20

Ergh, why would any man do that whilst they are supposed to be looking after their children? Do they have that little control over their urges?

I feel for you, OP. I really do.

portaloo · 06/02/2011 16:24

AF My XP claimed he only ever went on one site, and anything else had to be pop ups that had come up while he was on the other site. Hmm
I don't believe him for a second. Afterwards, the history disappeared, every time he had been on the pc, but he forgot to clear the drop down bar (where the address is) so I could still see it. Yuk Yuk Yuk.

spongebob Lovemaking, under the covers, with your wife is ok. If baby wakes, it's not all out on display IYSWIM. I'd be under the covers in bed.
Wank while in seperate room to DC, ie shower/bedroom/bathroom alone is ok, if no chance of DC bursting in and catching you is also ok.
Watching porn while DC are liable to walk in/see you in action is not ok.

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 16:24

AF I understand that, I would be equally pissed, its VERY inappropriate!!

My query is with:
The porn would worry me in this context. I don't get how he could be watching porn with a child in the room regardless of whether she was asleep or not. I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful. And tacky.

altinkum · 06/02/2011 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 16:27

Because we're talking about a man, that's why.

altinkum · 06/02/2011 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

portaloo · 06/02/2011 16:29

Perhaps it's reasonable to expect adults to be able to wait for an appropriate time/place to wank. Knowing children could walk in is not an appropriate time or place.

I never hear of women doing this, women bloody wait, why don't the men who do this wait too???