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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not...

54 replies

hehastobekidding · 06/02/2011 13:48

I walked into the (open plan) kitchen today at about 10.30am, bare foot so dh didn't hear me coming. He was on the laptop watching porn, with dd2 (16mths) asleep in the pushchair behind him and dd1 playing in her room.

This is so not ok on so many fronts is it... what if dd2 had come down barefoot?

He is unemployed, very very depressed and drinking too much. A mess really. Sex life nonexistant (and tbh I don't want it) and we are having a horrible time. No excuse though is it? Is it?

He has so much time alone at home fgs... I can understand a wish to view porn but not with the girls around surely? He left a 'youporn' google search window open a few weeks ago with dd1 playing around downstairs and I read the riot act.

Just want out now.

OP posts:
spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 16:29

So its not okay for me to put my DS on his playmat while I use my vibrator then?
Is it okay if its under the covers? Wink

Btw, before anyone moans about something they think I said, I did already agree that the possibility of it being in front a child is very inappropriate. I just think there is a difference between a child and a baby.

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 16:31

If we're being pedantic, then it's not ok for any PERSON to do it. There we go.

portaloo · 06/02/2011 16:34

Who is watching your DS while you're playing fanjo banjo spongebob?
Or are you suggesting that your DS is a baby and therefore it's ok??

If there is a difference between a baby and a child IYO, where do you draw the line? 6 months, 9 months, when they're walking, talking??

altinkum · 06/02/2011 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 16:34

not okay for any person to do anything remotely sexual while babies and children are present.

so none of you have DC2 or 3 or 4...? Grin

portaloo · 06/02/2011 16:37

spongebob My DC are 17 years apart. Grin

I conceived my youngest while my eldest was out of the house completely. Grin

Not advocating this method, but it worked for me. Grin

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 16:38

I think inappropriate, disrespectful and tacky are your isues in the way you view what he is doing. I think you need to stop and think why he doesn't thinks it's a problem.

I am very concerned about the depression, classic signs of depression are not being able to handle anything that doesn't go exactly your way (I screamed at the Doctor's receptionist and made her, the practice manager and secretary cry one day just because they could not give me an appt when I wanted it - I knew I was wrong at the time but I could not stop myself - grovelling apology, huge bunch of flowers and choccies the next day though Blush,not being able to get your act together to change something even though you know it is wrong, becoming disinterested in your surroundings, your loved ones, your appearance, your cleanliness, your health in an ever decreasing spiral.

This is probably very un-MN but I would chill about the porn, i'm afraid you have got much bigger issues here to deal with.

Your dh needs medical help, counselling (for himself and your relationship - but one step at a time), a routine and probably some exercise. Screaming at him won't help either you (because it won't produce a positive response) or him (because he can't deal with the conflict).

You need to help him get medical help.

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 16:38

Well I'd slate my partner if I was male and she was doing it while she's supposed to be looking after our children. There's a time and a place for things for God's sake, it's not exactly going to kill you not to play with your fanny/cock for a few hours is it?

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 16:39

I dont know where I draw the line yet, hes a baby and me and DH dont want him to be an only child!

Do you watch your DC every second of every day? Never leave the room? Never go to sleep just in case they wake up? He is fine on his playmat for 5 mins. While I put the washing on. Or make tea. Or use the toilet. Or maybe choose to pleasure myself.
Grin

portaloo · 06/02/2011 16:41

TBH, I'm sure many people can see a huge difference between children being present in the house but asleep in another room, and wanking in the same room as your DC, or knowing they could walk in at any moment, and see you in full wanking mode.

I'm glad I never saw my parents in that position.

The problem with babies v children is where to draw the line.

QueeferSutherland · 06/02/2011 16:48

OP, I don't think YABU.

However, have any of you-and I'm genuinely interested-ever finished doing the do and looked over the room to see a small person stood up in their cot, silently watching you and doing this-->Hmm

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2011 18:43

I think it was me who made the "inappropriate, disrespectful, tacky" comment.

I think it's inappropriate to be watching porn with a baby in the room and when it is possible for an older child to see it. I think it's disrespectful because the OP has already spoken to him about porn. I think it's tacky because it just seems sleazy, to me, to be watching porn with a child in your immediate environment.

As has been said, there is a time and a place.

hairylights · 06/02/2011 19:05

I know I'll get flamed by the nay sayers, but spongebob you use your vibrator in front of your child? That's totally inappropriate and engaging in sexual activity in front of a child is actually an abusive act. (as defined by my child protection training with a senior social worker specialising in child protection).

hairylights · 06/02/2011 19:05

two words : baby monitor.

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 20:09

tempted to write that hes more interested in his playmat, but worried that some people are taking what I write a little too literally... Hmm

however I have used my vibrator while my DS slept in my room as he sleeps in my room at the mo. as have I made love to my DH. I am not remaining celibate until my DS has his own room. if, as he gets older and is more aware, he is still in my room, i will reconsider.

i dont seriously think for one minute that there is not a single poster here who has had sex while their DC (at BABY age) slept in the same room. assuming everyone followed the advice that they sleep in with you for at least the first six months (as we all know how much MNers love official guidelines...), are you telling me you didnt have sex at all during that time? why would a wank be any different? be it by a male or female.

AGAIN I want to emphasise, doing it when an older child could walk in is WRONG. on purpose anyway. with DCs, theres always a risk that they'll walk in inconveniently. unless of course, you refrain from any sexual activity until they go to school. or leave home?

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 20:14

wrt starlight - "supposed to be looking after our children", i am a sahm at the moment. i look after my DS 24/7. i consider the time he sleeps as close as im going to get to time off
is THAT unreasonable?

NomNomNom · 06/02/2011 20:22

Hi,

To answer the OP: YANBU, it's no excuse.

If he's depressed and drinking too much, he's possibly using the alcohol to feel better, and possibly the porn too, he's self-medicating. It sounds like he could really really do with some counselling. It would be very difficult for him to confront his issues, but it sounds like an untenable situation for the family.

How are your finances? Are you in a position to make him move out until he agrees to counselling?

He will probably try to normalise his behaviour and get you to agree that he is not being unreasonable but you are. So just to confirm: watching porn in the kitchen with your children (awake or asleep) around you is not on, it's gross.

I hope you have friends/family around you who you can talk to.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 21:34

sponge...I think you are talking about something else

in fact...I don't know what you are talking about, tbh

if you think the bloke in the OP is being inappropriate, why are you talking about something else entirely ?

I get a bit tired of these types of threads being hijacked, tbh, how is it helpful

why can't we just stick to the OP, for once ?

it would be best if we kept on topic, surely ?

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 21:36

Thank you AF.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 21:39

not just me then, star ?

StarlightPrincess · 06/02/2011 21:45

Not at all love! Grin

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 06/02/2011 21:46

Get him to his GP.

If he is severely depressed and getting worse, he's gradually losing control of his behavior.

Yes, what he did was unacceptable. However, if you love or even used to love the man, get him to a doctor.

I live with a depressed man - it is hard but you can cope.

One thing I would say is this: Depressed people do unacceptable things, sometimes without realising how unacceptable their behavior has become. This does not mean you accept the behavior. Far from it. Stay calm and tell him what he is doing is wrong, as calmly as you can. Stay firm and calm. This sounds like treating him as a child and you will be for awhile. However, this approach has worked well for us.

Good luck and get him to the doctors!

hugs

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 06/02/2011 21:54

AF, I actually gave an opinion on the situation earlier and someone got completely the wrong end of the stick. Anything else I have written is in defence of that. I have not hijacked to gain anything myself, I am simply answering questions that more people have asked, focusing on part of what I said

If someone just reads the OP, theyre wrong. If someone answers questions raised during the thread, they're wrong... Grin

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 22:04

I am presuming you have namechanged mid-thread allsquare ?

do you see what I am saying though..when these threads go off on a tangent, they cease to be at all helpful to the OP

I don't mean to pick on you individually, btw

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 06/02/2011 22:10

Lol, I did indeed. I promise I am the same person! :)

I do know what you mean though. Posts complaining about LeQueens life are generally not relevant!! Grin

However this post is now not relevant, so I shall bid you adeu