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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws here for ds first birthday?

65 replies

Piggyleroux · 05/02/2011 16:22

In laws live in Cardiff and mil normally comes every couple of months to stay for a week. Fil tends to come a couple of times a year if that. We visit them about three times a year.

I have a reasonable relationship with them but I always get really stressed when mil stays because she always has to organise my house, moves things, digs up my garden and plants stuff I don't want her to. She also never asks if it is ok for her to come down on a certain day, she just rings up and announces when she is coming.

I am very intimidated by them both and is think dh is a bit as well so we have never really stood up to them. They also lent us a large sum of money to buy our house which we are paying back, but we both wouldn't put it past them to demand it back if we upset them.

Mil called this morning to say that she will be coming down for ds birthday. I said to her that the weekend before or after will be ok (ds birthday falls on the Wednesday) but she said that fil may not want to come so she will come on tuesday and stay til Friday.

The gist of it is that I want a nice relaxing fun day with dh and ds. We were planning on going to the zoo because ds loves animals and I know if mil comes we won't end up doing it.

Aibu to say to offer the choice of weekend before or after and keep the day for ourselves?

OP posts:
mutznutz · 05/02/2011 16:29

It's only a first birthday..your baby will not remember it.

As for the pushy behaviour...well you both really need to 'man up' for want of a better expression. You're parents now...will you be letting other people push your child around in ths way because you're too afraid to say anything?

Oh and the money...unless there's some sort of legal contract, they can't demand it back all in one go.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 05/02/2011 16:30

YANBU but PILs are part and parcel of your DS's life now and personally I think it would be wrong to not allow them to be there to celebrate their DG's first birthday.

Your DS is only 1 he will not be aware that he is going to the zoo on a different day, so I would do that the weekend before or after instead.

Positive spin - he will get 2 birthdays Grin

southmum · 05/02/2011 16:31

yanbu.

And you need to put your foot down and tell her to piss off planting shit you dont want.

Sarsaparilllla · 05/02/2011 16:31

YANBU, if a weekend is easier for you then tell her that's when she can come. Why won't you go to the zoo like you've got planned if she comes tho? Couldn't you go anyway?

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 16:32

Possibly a bit miserable of you, but then they don't really sound like a barrel of laughs, so why not?

Perhaps if they were a bit more polite and relaxed they'd be invited over to people more, then they wouldn't have to impose themselves.

noblegiraffe · 05/02/2011 16:33

Does she want to come and dig up and plant stuff in my garden instead?

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 16:34

Or mine? Grin

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 16:35

My FILs a landscape gardener and he's never done anything in our garden, ever

mutznutz · 05/02/2011 16:35

Also, why did you borrow a large sum of money off of them..knowing what they're like?

Surely you must have considered the fact this may put you in an awkward position, considering you feel intimidated by them?

Flisspaps · 05/02/2011 16:38

Tell her it's not convenient for her to come then, but that you'll see her at the weekend and that you're really looking forward to it.

Then if she rearranges things in your house, follow her round putting them back.

Tell her you don't want her to plant things in your garden.

You're an adult. Put your foot down (but be nice about it, no MiL bashing here).

JuicyLips · 05/02/2011 16:42

They are the childs grandparents and should celebrate their child's birthday, either on the day or a specially appointed day instead. Maybe a meal together to celebrate instead?

JuicyLips · 05/02/2011 16:43

grandchilds * that is

giveitago · 05/02/2011 16:48

They sound a pain - but this is the first birthday so why not let her tag along and then a bit more hardline thereafter?

Eglu · 05/02/2011 16:54

I think it is fair that she would like to come and celebrate his birthday but she can do that at the weekend, when you have offered.

Stick to your guns or it will be this way forever.

Violethill · 05/02/2011 17:01

I agree that it was unwise to borrow a large amount of money, knowing that they are difficult and demanding people. I understand that it's enabled you to buy the house you want, but you're paying the price now in terms of feeling pressurised into things you don't want

Sassybeast · 05/02/2011 17:06

YABU. She sounds like hard work but she is obviously a devoted grandma and I don't think it's fair to exclude her from what is obviously an important day. You can have atrip to the zoo by yourselves at any time surely ? I'd also look into borrowing some cash and paying off the loan to them - money matters always muddy the waters IMO.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 17:07

Hmmm.. they came in handy when you needed money off them.

I dont think its unreasonable to want to see your grandchild on his birthday.

You only see her about 6 times a year, and it is your husbands mother.

Try and think about when your child is an adult and has a child of his own.. how would you feel? You will be a MIL then yourself...

Surely she can come to the zoo with you. Give her a camera and she can take loads of photos of the three of you!

Grandmar · 05/02/2011 17:07

You are unfortunately stuck emotionally and financially and I'm sure they know it!
Pay them off as soon as you can, then become ASSERTIVE and enjoy every second of it - Good Luck

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 17:13

You make it all sound so lovely bubble Grin

If the MIL did go out with them and just take piccys I'm sure the OP'd have no problem with her coming, but she said she's overbearing and imposing.

The fact they've lent cash doesn't mean they get to tell the OP and DH what's they're doing.

If you're paying them back and they weren't under duress lending it, then it's just family lending cash to get on the housing ladder, not a contract with them that you owe your soul.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 17:14

Oh believe me, when you borrow a large sum of money off your parents or inlaws, you do sell your soul... :(

mutznutz · 05/02/2011 17:15

None the less, it still appears the inlaws are ok in a time of financial crisis...to help the OP, but when it comes to giving something back, ie, allowing time spent with the Grandchild on its first birthday...it's a bit of a one way street.

JingleMum · 05/02/2011 17:18

hmmm...

i know what you mean about MIL organising you house, moving things etc.. my MIL has done this on occassions and it really pissed me off. i don't know how they think they have the right?

are you planning it to be just the 3 of you on DS's birthday? if so, then i don't think it's unreasanable to ask her to come up the weekend before or after. however, if your family are tagging along then it's only fair that MIL is given the option.

if she does end up coming along, DEMAND that you are going to the zoo. your son loves animals and he will enjoy it. it's not about your MIL, it's not her bday.

alicet · 05/02/2011 17:20

I am in the stand up for yourself camp and tell her that she is welcome to come and spend either weekend with you celebrating your ds's birthday but that you already have plans for his birthday that you can't change.

I understand her wanting to come but unless you stand up for yourself she is going to continue to boss you around isn't she?

I do agree with people who have said that you could go to the zoo anytime and your ds will be none the wiser at 1 but its a special day for you as his parents too isn't it? And given that its a week day its likely that either 1 or both of you (assuming 1 or both of you work) have had to take a day of annual leave to do so which is precious isn't it? So stand your ground!

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 17:21

I suppose it does depend on the parents lending bubble, luckily even though my mum is controlling and manipulative, she didn't make us feel she had a right to hold it over us when she lent us the deposit.

I can well imagine it hanging over someone though, best to pay it of as quick as poss.

saffy85 · 05/02/2011 17:29

YANBU- Very rude to announce your arrival at someone else's home uninvited. You need to put your foot down. I did after about 2 long years with my inlaws and we get on loads better- I don't resent them and I like to think they respect me more for it.

Go to the zoo on a different day it wont make any difference to your DS but I really think it's in your best interest to stand up for yourselves with people like this.

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