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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws here for ds first birthday?

65 replies

Piggyleroux · 05/02/2011 16:22

In laws live in Cardiff and mil normally comes every couple of months to stay for a week. Fil tends to come a couple of times a year if that. We visit them about three times a year.

I have a reasonable relationship with them but I always get really stressed when mil stays because she always has to organise my house, moves things, digs up my garden and plants stuff I don't want her to. She also never asks if it is ok for her to come down on a certain day, she just rings up and announces when she is coming.

I am very intimidated by them both and is think dh is a bit as well so we have never really stood up to them. They also lent us a large sum of money to buy our house which we are paying back, but we both wouldn't put it past them to demand it back if we upset them.

Mil called this morning to say that she will be coming down for ds birthday. I said to her that the weekend before or after will be ok (ds birthday falls on the Wednesday) but she said that fil may not want to come so she will come on tuesday and stay til Friday.

The gist of it is that I want a nice relaxing fun day with dh and ds. We were planning on going to the zoo because ds loves animals and I know if mil comes we won't end up doing it.

Aibu to say to offer the choice of weekend before or after and keep the day for ourselves?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/02/2011 17:59

Grow yourself a backbone and sort it.

I'm not precious about birthdays but overbearing rude bastards that bulldoze their way through other peoples plans enrage me.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 05/02/2011 18:28

I know o sound mean, but I just get so stressed when she is here. She is major hard work.

I stipulated when ds was born that I didn't want anyone staying with us because we have a tiny house and guess what - she got on a coach as soon as she found out I was in labour and stayed for a week.

Dh needs to tell her but he is quite scared of his parents and just feels the need to please them all the time. The thing is as well is that when she is here she spends no time with ds she just does the garden, irons dh's shirts etc.

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 05/02/2011 18:35

Piggy, I think you missed an important window when she came when you were in labour. I found that was the time to stamp your claim since you are 'hormonal' and no one can argue Grin

DH does need to tell her. My DH found it very difficult but managed to negotiate with MIL about visiting. She got more than I wanted. I got less than she wanted.

I do think though that her ironing and doing the garden is meant to be sweet and helpful. I would try to see it for what it is but be firm about the DS's birthday if that is important to you. Just say no. "No, we'll see you Friday", or "No, we're having a lovely tea with you and DS on Saturday. We've already told him, he will be so disappointed.". Or, just "No".

Dancergirl · 05/02/2011 18:47

I think you need to stand up to them a bit more. Don't let their lending of the house money have control over you. It's emotional blackmail.

Say you have plans to take ds to the zoo on his birthday and try and persuade her to come either before or after as you suggested. If she can't be persuaded, make sure you stick to your plans. She can either come to the zoo or not but don't let her spoil the day.

I really wouldn't tread on eggshells with them because of the money.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2011 18:51

I think you should let your PIL be there for your son's birthday. Either that or run the risk that they won't take an interest later on as you will have snubbed them.

What you can do though is extend the invitation to them and tell them what the plan for the day is. Don't give them the opportunity to change the arrangements that matter to you, but suggest that they do the things they want to from your day's agenda and perhaps go off by themselves if they want something different from that. You, husband and son will however be following the plan you've already agreed on.

skiphopskidaddle · 05/02/2011 18:56

You have a son. One day, you too will be "number two grandma". How would you like to be treated?

But the house/garden rearranging does sound a bit loopy. :)

MsKLo · 05/02/2011 19:14

YANBU at all

But you do need to develop some balls and take charge of your life as a family and not let her do things that take over otherwise everything you feel us your fault as you allow her to take over

Say no, that week is no good
Tell her, don't pussy foot around or say is that ok
Be firm and clear and state the dates she can come

If a week is too long say so and say that you can do a few days etc but no more

You need to change your attitude otherwise you will always be walked over and that is a shit way to live

Please do this for everyones sake - both you and your dh need to do this

Now

MsKLo · 05/02/2011 19:16

I don't get this 'gp's have the righ to be at a bday' attitude at all! If you want to do a family thing for just you and dh and kids do so and don't ever feel
Bad!

CrapBag · 05/02/2011 19:17

YANBU.

TELL her (or get your DH to) that it isn't convenient at that time but the weekend before or after are fine. Don't let her tell you when she is coming, tell her when you can accommodate her.

It doesn't matter if its only a 1st birthday, you have planned something nice to do and she is being a pita. Its not up to her to invite herself when she feels like. If you don't start putting your foot down now, this will just continue for years and years to come.

If they did demand the money back and you don't have it, what can they do anyway?

PrincessScrumpy · 05/02/2011 19:21

We have always said not parents or inlaws on dd's actual birthday . DD is 3 this year and inlaws have invited themselves on the actual day (a Sunday). We put them off the Saturday as dd is having a party with friends and they will just be in the way. dh made it clear it wasn't possible.

They were invited for the following weekend but can't as fil is working - he does shifts and knows dd's birthday so I think it was done deliberately. Mil has this thing that we see my parents lots more than them. We do but not by much and only as my parents make more effort and live a bit closer.

Antway, they are going to help paint dd's new room so can't really complain.

JingleMum · 05/02/2011 20:13

skiphopskidaddle - i don't think the paternal grandmother is automatically "grandma number 2" i have lots of friends with kids and i would say half of them are very close to their MILS and they are probably grandma number 1.

i have alot of aunties with sons and most of my aunties are "grandma number 1" as in they babysit more, see the kids more etc..

Tryharder · 05/02/2011 20:24

Another MIL bash? Hmm

Didn't we do this thread last week? Grin

I have to agree with an earlier poster. They were good enough for you to borrow a large amount of money from presumably on terms that the bank would never give you in a billion years. But they are not good enough to be allowed to attend their own granddaughter's birthday..

If you don't want her rearranging your garden then tell her! But YABVU to exclude her from a family event. Is your own mother being allowed to attend?

Tryharder · 05/02/2011 20:25

You're moaning because she does the ironing and the gardening?

Can she be my MIL?

cantspel · 05/02/2011 20:32

She comes and does the ironing and garden and you are moaning? She sound bloody great as how many time do you see on here people maoning because their inlaws decend and sit and expect to be waited on.

if i was you i would make the most of it. save a couple of weeks of ironing for her, get in all the spring bulb and leave her to it. You could even book yourself a nice meal out with your oh whilst she babysits and irons to her hearts content.

Horton · 05/02/2011 20:38

Oh come on! Doing the gardening would be a bit of weeding or cutting the grass, not planting things you don't want, surely?

I would let her come for the birthday but only for a couple of days, not a week, and take DS to the zoo when you can with just you and DH if there is some reason that she will make it difficult.

And I would practise yelling 'what are you doing? I don't even like lavender/pansies/whatever' in tones of shocked amazement.

As for the money, you've done it now and there's not much you can do about that. But pay it back asap and don't ask again.

skybluepearl · 05/02/2011 20:39

MIL sounds like she takes over. just tell her yourself that that weekend is too difficult. tell her what you have planned to do on the birthday too. zoo sounds lovely.

mutznutz · 05/02/2011 20:44

I feel bad for her now..she sounds like she just wants to help Sad

When I first got married and moved out, if my parents came to babysit, I'd get home and find my Mum had washed up and put everything away (probably cleaned the oven too) and my Dad would either be cutting the lawn, or painting the garden bench or something.

I was always grateful and found it amusing that after all those years, they still felt the need to 'Mother' me Grin

Horton · 05/02/2011 20:51

If MIL wants to help, OP should probably tell her what would actually be helpful if the things she is doing aren't! But OP probably has a better sense than we do whether it is helpful or unwanted interference. There's a fine line!

spongebobsquareknickers · 05/02/2011 20:56

I agree Jinglemum , my dads mum is nan#1 to me as my mums mum walked out

You need to stand your ground, you should have done when she came after your DC was born, but nothing you can do about that now :)

I will gladly take someone who helps out around the house off your hands. My mum and MIL will only just make themselves a drink in my house! Dont know why, my sisters and BIL treat it like a drop in centre Grin

sb6699 · 05/02/2011 21:14

She obviously thinks she is helping. There are loads of us here who have to act like the lady in waiting when MIL comes to stay.

I'm not sure why you would complain about her doing the ironing or tidying the garden but if you feel uncomfortable then you should just gently ask her to stop.

It sounds like she is genuinely trying to be a good MIL/grandma but maybe is going slightly OTT, you have a right to dictate what happens in your own home but dont look a gift horse in the mouth - you may come to regret it in future.

porcamiseria · 05/02/2011 21:30

I would let it lie for this once, but agree stick to the plans you have. YOU manage the order of the day, be nice, show em whos boss

BUT start to nicely, gently, stick up for yourselves!

MsKLo · 05/02/2011 23:04

Helping is one thing but her mil takes over and donset respect their space and doesn't ask when can she come she tells them

That is not helping - that is controlling. I can't believe te amount of people on here who can't see that!

JingleMum · 05/02/2011 23:18

MsKlo - i agree... i am not a MIL basher, MILs are part of the family and should be treated as such and sometimes that means getting pissed off with them (the way you would with your own mum) wives need to realise and accept that they love their sons unconditionally and their son will feel the same way about their mum... however, some MILs are full on bitches, some MILs really overstep the mark and interfere way too much and it's surprising how many women post on here and take the MILs side when the MIL is blatantly in the wrong.

TechnoKitten · 06/02/2011 03:49

Sorry, but I'm with your MiL here. She is your husband's mother (so enough with the "family only" comments, she is family), you have to see her 6 times a year at most and it sounds like she's really trying to be helpful! Not taking over with your son, but doing laundry and gardening - and I imagine she'd be heartbroken if she read your post.

Why can you not visit the zoo with her?

If I were you, I'd let this one ride - have her down for the 3 days but tell her you've already promised your son a zoo trip which he's very excited about and ask her to go with you.

On another visit, sit her down and tell her how much you appreciate her helping out with gardening & things but you'd rather she helped in a different way, or just helped with general clearing up after meals etc & left the house and garden to you. She sounds lovely tbh!

This is probably something you should work out with her now, before your son has siblings for example, and before he's old enough to listen to you talking with your husband about her and then repeat the conversations at her next visit, verbatim :)

diddl · 06/02/2011 07:37

It sounds to me as if she is pushing her self forward so that she doesn´t get left out tbh.

I can´t see why her being there would stop you going to the zoo.

Perhaps you need to visit them more so that you have fewer visits?

Or take it in turns?

As for her getting on a bus whilst you were in labour-who told her?

I think that the lending money perhaps makes them feel that they have certain rights.

And to be fair, they can surely ask for their money back at any time they like?

I do agree with others-I think it´s horrible to think that they are good enough to use for money, but that going to the zoo with you on their GCs bday is a step too far!