To not want in laws here for ds first birthday?

[Piggyleroux]

In laws live in Cardiff and mil normally comes every couple of months to stay for a week. Fil tends to come a couple of times a year if that. We visit them about three times a year.

I have a reasonable relationship with them but I always get really stressed when mil stays because she always has to organise my house, moves things, digs up my garden and plants stuff I don't want her to. She also never asks if it is ok for her to come down on a certain day, she just rings up and announces when she is coming.

I am very intimidated by them both and is think dh is a bit as well so we have never really stood up to them. They also lent us a large sum of money to buy our house which we are paying back, but we both wouldn't put it past them to demand it back if we upset them.

Mil called this morning to say that she will be coming down for ds birthday. I said to her that the weekend before or after will be ok (ds birthday falls on the Wednesday) but she said that fil may not want to come so she will come on tuesday and stay til Friday.

The gist of it is that I want a nice relaxing fun day with dh and ds. We were planning on going to the zoo because ds loves animals and I know if mil comes we won't end up doing it.

Aibu to say to offer the choice of weekend before or after and keep the day for ourselves?

You either have to get assertive and tell her NO.

But I am guessing that will be very difficult for you.

And tbh, I can understand her wanting to be there for your DS's first birthday.

My PIL is rather overbearing and I have learned to be more assertive and to give him a list of things I want done.

"I know you love to help. I hope you don't mind that I have bought some flowers that I would like planted / left some ironing / could you wash the windows / would you mind helping me clean out the cupboards in the kitchen..."

Diddl you are absolutely right. The money has made them feel like they can do what they like.

We bought an LCD tv last year and fil went mad at dh saying that he did not loan us the money so we could fritter it way on treats

Dh needs to grow a pair. However, he has a very odd almost awe like relationship with them. If we do go to the zoo, mil won't come she will want to stay here and fuck up my garden clean the house or weed.

That's the thing. When she does come down she hardly spends any time with ds.

These threads depress me a little.

For one, both DM and DMIL died before DCs were born so, whilst I dont have MIL issues, my DCs don't have a granny to spoil them.

Also, I have two boys and being on here has made me realise that I'd better get some hobbies quick as they'll be no place for me in their lives once they're married .

If you don't feel you can be assertive with her, that is your issue not hers. You have to find a way of letting her into your son's life.

I don't care much for my FIL to be honest and he is annoying but my DSs adore him and he's the only grandparent they have. So I put my feelings aside for their sake.

He may not know about it now but he also won't give a stuff who goes to the zoo.

Does she want to come and do mine instead. :o

Reading this is frustrating - if they lent them money it doesn't mean that they should have them over a bloody barrel for it! They sound like nasty containing idiots - piggy - please dont feel guilty about doing what you want and it is your house and time and you need to lay down some rules.

As for going ballistic over you buying a tv - that is so not fair of them. You are paying the money back I'm time and you don't owe them anything in terms of being over a barrel so don't do it!

Don't let them control you both anymore and do what you want!

Blimey we don't have kids to demand how they so things when they are grown up with families Of their own! Why do people think this is acceptable and that as grandparents they have the right to impose? The irony is, if these inlaws were nicer people, the OP would want them round more!

You have to be assertive.

You don't want her to come during the week. Say no, that's not convenient. Repeat. Offer an alternative, but don't accept her coming when you have plans.

If she does anything in the house that you don't want, ask her to stop. Direct her energies towards your DS. 'Granny, I'll do the ironing, you play with DS" Is she really going to insist? 'Granny are you saying you think I can't look after DH properly? (hollow laugh)' because that's what it boils down to.

OP
I am on your side, I really am but you need to stop complaining that she is doing things you dont want her to and tell her! If you are unhappy with how things are it is because you and your dh have allowed this to happen

And I repeat - just because they lent you money it does NOT give them a right to hold it over you so don't let them!

Call her back: "MIL, I hadn't realised DH had already bought tickets to the zoo, so we can't really have you here for DS's actual birthday, but we'd love to do a party with you and FIL if he can make it - the weekend before or after, which would you prefer?" if she pushes - "no, that doesn't work for us" They lent you money, so have the bank, do you feel the bank manager has a right to pop round and rip up your garden because it's his money that's paid for it?

You need to learn to stick up for yourselves. Perhaps practice saying things in an assertive tone like "we're going to the zoo on his birthday but you are welcome to come". Make is sound final. It takes a bit of practice but you'll get the hang of it. If she argues then just repeat it but with more of a 'weren't you listening as this is our decision' voice.

Also try:

"we have plans that week, i'll check my diary and get back to you when we are free"

"my cupboards are fine and don't need reorganising thanks"

"I love my garden as it is. It's perfect so don't bother yourself digging it up"

It's not what you say but the way you say. All of these things will sound woosy if you say them in a woosy voice. Remember that it needs to sound firm and leave no room for for her to ignore.

Perhaps practice with a friend or even take an assertiveness course.

You are allowing them to rule you. Read your posts on this thread - imagine your advice if it was friend writing it.

If you don't want them that week you calmly say so. I would personally inform them you are having a party on one of weekends you are happy for them to come down. And sell it as 1st birthday party weekend ( invite other family), have a family tea party, you all put on silly hats etc and have fun. And if they don't to come to that - well their choice and their loss.

Your child won't remember the party but the grandparents do. My mother, father and I have no happy bond, they don't live near and take over given the opportunity. But they don't get the opportunity. When they stay I schedule the time and inform them of what we'll be doing before they get here. 5 yrs later and they actually now enjoy the parks, the farms, the walks etc. And they love the annual family birthday parties. My elegant mother joins in the ridiculous games. Be calm but very firm.

Regarding money - if your DH has never stood up to his overbearing parents then whoops. Pay it off asap and then get control of your lives.

"We bought an LCD tv last year and fil went mad at dh saying that he did not loan us the money so we could fritter it way on treat"

I´m a bit on the fence on this one tbh.

If you have agreed "repayments" & are sticking to them, then what you do with the rest of the money isn´t their business.

That said, if I owed someone money, I think I´d rather make an "extra" payment than buy a tv.

I don´t think that they view you as adults tbh, and don´t listen when you are not saying what they want to hear.

YABU, when your little one grows up and has children of his own wouldnt you like to be involved? Would you be hurt if you didnt get to see your grandchildren on their birthdays?

I agree with them on the TV issue, if they lent you money and now you have spare to throw away on luxuries then you should have given them extra on that months repayment.

Seems double standards to me, you are happy enough to use them for money yet dont want them as part of family life.

YANBU

I'd be concerned that your MIL needs some guidance on boundaries. The longer this goes on, the worse it could be if / when she is eventually given the message that she can't always make decisions on your behalf. If she's a straight-talking person herself then she may appreciate if you are the same with her. "Come either weekend." If she's passive aggressive, again straight talking can work (be clear that you and your OH are in agreement, refuse to pick up on her hints, raised eyebrows etc, don't explain yourself, just state her options.)

Also, your son is young now but he'll soon pick up on the relationship his parents have with their parents. Mummy and daddy are like this normally but are different when so-and-so is around. Again, better to get it sorted now. Easier said than done I know but the reality of that first difficult conversation may not be as bad as you fear.

I don't agree that a blood tie means anyone can undermine your position as a parent, and it sounds like this is what she's doing.

'Also, I have two boys and being on here has made me realise that I'd better get some hobbies quick as they'll be no place for me in their lives once they're married . '

Don't be ridiculous - you're over-dramatising. Lots of grown up sons have good relationships with their mothers after they're married. But the OP's MIL does sound a bit controlling. I don't think the OP is excluding her MIL from her ds' birthday but it's the demanding, controlling attitude is difficult to deal with.

Dancergirl, you're right. I was being over dramatic. But it does worry me that most MIL threads on here seem to be about how they don't want them anywhere near.