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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we unreasonable?

54 replies

ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 15:32

DH and I got married on Thursday Grin. We got married with just us and three friends (the witnesses). The reason we got married this way is because I am donating a kidney to DH in just under a month and we have only recently found out the operation date.

We were due to get married in September and we will be having a blessing on this date for all family and friends to celebrate our union.

We told our parents today and they are upset. DHs mum even cried when he told her.

I appreciate a wedding is a family occasion however given our circumstances we hoped people would understand and be happy to celebrate with us in September.

I can understand that they would be shocked and surprised but I thought that they would ultimately be happy for us given that we have a lot to get through in the next few months. I think my parents will be ok when the shock wears off but I have a feeling MIL will be angry about this for a very long time.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 05/02/2011 15:36

I dont think yabu it was your choice

So congrats

And i hope everything goes well

Bogeyface · 05/02/2011 15:38

Are you sure she was upset about the actual wedding?

Maybe its because you doing this now brings home to her the big deal that your operations will be. Getting married before the op is very sensible but perhaps she was dealing with it by not thinking about it. But taking the big step of getting married has made her realise how serious the next few months are?

Transference, thats the word I was looking for!

congratulations btw :)

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 15:40

ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

congrats of course... and yes it was your choice, but I think you can understand your MIL being a bit hurt by it..

Your MIL is probably already very worried about her son if he is unwell, and its too late now, but perhaps if you had invited just your parents, or even told them beforehand it would have been a bit more considerate..

I would be very hurt if one of my children had done something like this.

PeachyPossum · 05/02/2011 15:45

Out of curiosity, why didn't you involve them?

MrsPresley · 05/02/2011 15:45

I dont think you were unnreasonable as such, but I can understand your MIL being upset.

My daughter got married 4 years ago and if she had came to me a few months before her wedding and told me she had already got married without telling me I would have been upset!

I would have understood her reasons (if she were in your position)but it's the not knowing that would have upset me.

Anyway, hope the operation goes well and have a lovely day in September Smile

livinginazoo · 05/02/2011 15:47

My parents did this, and to be honest I would be utterly delighted if my children had the gumption to get married in exactly the way they themselves wanted. It is your life after all. And you are planning on a family party later for the benefit of all your parents.

livinginazoo · 05/02/2011 15:48

(sorry, parents got married with no one there except witnesses).

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 15:49

I can understand if both your families are upset, but the reason they're upset is because they love you and wanted to show you how much by celebrating with you.

But my first thought was what bogeyface said, that it's just brought home to your MIL that her DS is ill and you both have big ops coming up.

She'll come round soon enough.

Congrats on getting hitched, and I admire your generosity to your lovely DH Smile

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 05/02/2011 15:50

Why didn't you invite parents?

Newgolddream · 05/02/2011 15:52

Whilst it is your wedding and YANBU to do whatever you want, Im kind of curious why you didnt have your parents and his there, even if it was just a small wedding and arranged quickly?

Good luck for the operations to.

marriednotdead · 05/02/2011 15:54

Congratulations Smile

I can understand your logic to a point, but I'd be devastated if my DCs did this.

If the unthinkable happened (God forbid), then the opportunity to share your special day would have been lost, and for that reason, I can see why your MIL is upset.

You chose friends over family from her POV, and that probably stings.

Wishing you good luck with the ops and the blessing when the time comes- hopefully it will have all cooled down by then.

AllGoodNamesGone · 05/02/2011 15:55

I can totally see why she's upset not to have been there. I would be gutted not to be asked to my son's wedding and not told about it beforehand.

I would try to understand and let it go, especially with what is happening with you, and would try not to be angry, but it would hurt. A lot.

However, I am the type of person who, if my son and future DIL said they just wanted a really quiet ceremony at this stage, would go along with their wishes and not try to impose my opinions of how the day should go. I would come along and quietly witness and give them both a big hug afterwards.

If the reason you didn't tell/ask them is because you knew they would try to bulldoze you into doing it differently to what the two of you wanted, then no, YANBU.

AllGoodNamesGone · 05/02/2011 15:56

Oh and congratulations Grin

begonyabampot · 05/02/2011 15:57

congrats - it is your wedding and have been to one similar (5 guests - very low key) which was absolutely lovely.

Saying that, now as a mother, I think I would be gutted perhaps almost heartbroken not to get the chance to see my children married although it is always up to them.

pointylug · 05/02/2011 16:00

I can't really say if you wer e being unreasonable.

But I would cry too if my child got married and hadn't even told me about it. I'd get over it but I'd feel very sad and a little hurt.

Newgolddream · 05/02/2011 16:06

my DH as an adult got a telephone call from his Mum, completely out of the blue telling him she had remarried, not quite the same but he was incredibly hurt that she hadnt actually told him first.

sahara13 · 05/02/2011 16:07

Congratulations! You did what you had to do under the circumstances.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 16:10

Well thats not strictly true Sahara. They could have asked both sets of parents to be witnesses rather than friends. I am sure other relatives would have understood under the circumstances.

begonyabampot · 05/02/2011 16:12

Was there a reason you couldn't invite your parents? Just curious.

Honeybee79 · 05/02/2011 16:17

Congratulations!

I can understand why your parents are upset and I agree with what others have said about how your marriage has properly brought home to them your DH's health issues and the impending operation. It was your decision to marry how you did and I respect that BUT as I discovered during the build up to my own wedding sometimes compromises have to be made to spare people's feelings.

They're probably scared that they might lose one or both of you and so are gutted that they couldn't celebrate the wedding with you. I understand why you did it but I do think you were being a little bit unreasonable.

Sassybeast · 05/02/2011 16:18

I think your parents are perfectly justified in being upset and I think in the circumastances, your MIL in particular has every right to react as she did. She is presumably really worried about the health of her son, you will probably be relying on her help and support in the weeks ahead and yet you have excluded her from what was an incredibly important day. Perhaps in order to ward of her being angry for a very long time, you could aknowledge how she feels and maybe apologise?
Try and get things smoothed over before the surgery? Good luck with it all Smile

Bogeyface · 05/02/2011 16:23

I have thought a bit more and realised that as you have already done it, its all a bit academic!

Just try and smooth things over with your MIL, good luck with that Wink

marmy55 · 05/02/2011 16:29

Its your choice of course, but as a parent i would be sad to be excluded from something so special :(

taintedpaint · 05/02/2011 16:30

Normally, I would be fully supportive of anyone doing this, because I hate big weddings with a passion and I have a secret love for anyone ballsy enough to bugger off and do it their own way.

However, you've organised a wedding, presumably invited the family, and then rearranged and not bothered inviting them. So I'm afraid I think you've been a bit cruel in how you've gone about it. I don't think for a moment you've done it with any ill intent, but it is very understandable how your families have reacted. I think you might need to apologise. At the very least, fully acknowledge their feelings.

That said, I think some others may be right about their worry about the upcoming surgery. That might be at least partially to blame for the upset.

Congratulations on getting married and hope all goes well with the surgery. :)

alistron1 · 05/02/2011 16:34

OP, YANBU. Your having the celebration in september when you will both be fit and healthy however given that both sets of parents are probably already worried regarding your operations it's understandable that emotions are running high.

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