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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we unreasonable?

54 replies

ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 15:32

DH and I got married on Thursday Grin. We got married with just us and three friends (the witnesses). The reason we got married this way is because I am donating a kidney to DH in just under a month and we have only recently found out the operation date.

We were due to get married in September and we will be having a blessing on this date for all family and friends to celebrate our union.

We told our parents today and they are upset. DHs mum even cried when he told her.

I appreciate a wedding is a family occasion however given our circumstances we hoped people would understand and be happy to celebrate with us in September.

I can understand that they would be shocked and surprised but I thought that they would ultimately be happy for us given that we have a lot to get through in the next few months. I think my parents will be ok when the shock wears off but I have a feeling MIL will be angry about this for a very long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 16:35

We didn't invite the parents as they don't all exactly get on, and they wouldn't have let us just have a small intimate ceremony, as each parent would have wanted to invite 'just one or two people' each. Plus we have three sets of parents due to family complexities.

We really just wanted it to be between the two of us, the witnesses were just necessary for paperwork purposes. Plus, there had been arguments and strong opinions from parents about what was going to happen in September, all of which we had just accepted to keep them happy.

Don't get me wrong I adore our parents (both mine and DHs) however, getting married this way was solely about us, and our commitment to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 16:39

And another thing, we are still having the 'big wedding' bit, when we have our blessing in September so nobody has really been excluded from anything. Everyone will still get to do their thing then, we have just done the legal bit now really.

We didn't even invite our children FWIW - we told them we had the marriage but the wedding is in September. Our children were delighted for us ( DC is 7 so understood).

OP posts:
cobbledtogether · 05/02/2011 16:42

Congratulations on getting married and good luck with the surgery.

Were you unreasonable?

To be honest, if my son or daughter went and got married without telling or involving me I would be very hurt and upset.

Of course you are free to get wed however you want, but I think some sensitivity towards family and perhaps an apology for upsetting them wouldn't go amiss.

Grandmar · 05/02/2011 16:43

I think what you did was very romantic. Good luck to both of you (you deserve it) x

alicet · 05/02/2011 17:05

YANBU to get married in the way you have and I understand that having your parents there would have meant that the day was railroaded and not what you wanted.

I don't think they are unreasonable to be upset though. I would be gutted if my sons did this although I hope I would congratulate them and not let them see how upset I was. Hopefully they will get over it and be able to understand and look forward to Sept.

Fingers crossed all goes well for you and your dh

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 17:12

I think the mistake you made was not telling them beforehand what you were doing.

I think that would have been easier for them to deal with, and they wouldnt have been so upset.

The way you have gone about it makes it seem behind their backs, and could possibly sour things for September... only time will tell with that.

What you have posted since does make more sense as to why you did it, but I still think a bit of consideration for your parents feelings wouldnt go amiss.

Psammead · 05/02/2011 17:17

We did something similar but both sets of parents were invited.

YABU. I think you should have given them the chance to attend, even if it would have been a little tricky.

PeachyPossum · 05/02/2011 17:21

I don't think you were U to have the wedding you wanted, but you would be U if you don't allow for parents hurt feelings.

lessnarkypuffin · 05/02/2011 18:43

I'm pleased you got the wedding you both wanted but I'm not surprised that your parents feel hurt. You might have felt pushed into accepting things they wanted for your wedding in September, but as far as they knew you were having a family wedding which you'd invited them to.

As for "we are still having the 'big wedding' bit, when we have our blessing in September so nobody has really been excluded from anything," really? Do you honestly think that's the same as being present when you get married? I'm sure it will be a lovely blessing and party but that's all it will be.

The wedding is over and done with. And you chose to exclude your parents. Totally your choice, but you ABU to expect them not to be upset.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 05/02/2011 18:44

YANBU

Consideration for feelings goes both ways and it doesn't sound as if any set of parents would have respected yours if you'd told them in advance.

toeragsnotriches · 05/02/2011 18:47

What a fab wedding present! Have a kidney! Grin

I think you're amazing and YANBU at all.

atswimtwolengths · 05/02/2011 18:51

I would be very upset if my children didn't invite me to their wedding.

Having said that, not all in laws and parents are reasonable, decent people who can get along with each other. After all the talk on here about in laws, I'm dreading my children marrying someone with awful parents; I'd love to see their marriage as extending our family and loving the in laws.

For me, if I wasn't invited, it would be as though they told me that I wasn't one of the reasonable, decent members of the family, but one of those that's complained about. It would be very, very hurtful.

ratspeaker · 05/02/2011 19:06

Congratulations
YANBU

wouldn't bother me if any of mine went and got married with only friends there, after all we kinda did that ourselves
Given that so many people live together before marriage why should a wedding be such a big thing?

HelenBa · 05/02/2011 19:13

It's your wedding so your choice but understandable they would be very hurt at being excluded

Flisspaps · 05/02/2011 19:15

YANBU, congratulations, and best of luck with the ops :)

SnailWhaleTail · 05/02/2011 19:42

Congrats. I really do hope the donor transplant goes well.

YANBU in my opinion, I've got 2 boys and would 100 times rather they were happy about their choices then worry about whether or not I was there at the moment of their marriage.

Parents should grit their teeth and pretend to be thrilled and supportive even if in private they feel put out.

Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 20:32

Quite honestly, given the enormity of our situation I do think our parents should try and understand. And yes, there have been several family fall outs over who has what role, and who should cater the flipping thing. These stresses we didnt want or need and were just for parents wishes.

I do understand initially the shock and possible upset but I'd have hoped they would have realised that DH and I were making a far bigger commitment with the kidney donation than the wedding, as that is how we feel. People can get married at any time and if it doesnt there then divorce is always an option (an option but not necessarily that everyone would) there isn't the same get out clause when handing over a kidney is there?

And yes being completely honest I still think the concentration should be on the blessing in September, as there will be so many reasons for our relationship to be a celebration and being blessed that we finally (hopefully) can share good health. We can't promise that to one another at the moment.

I would honestly like to think that I would be truly happy for my children if they were to be in a similar situation, as long as they were happy that they got the wedding they wanted. My mum has visited this afternoon with wine and chocolates to celebrate and I am hoping that DH's mum will be happy for us too.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/02/2011 20:32

Yanbu

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 20:35

Well you did ask if you were being unreasonable.. and like I said, if you had told them BEFORE then they probably would have been a bit more understanding... no doubt they will come round, but you have to appreciate they feel a bit hurt at the moment.

All the points you make are very valid, but would have been equally valid if you had told them beforehand too.

skybluepearl · 05/02/2011 20:45

good for you - getting married how you felt you waned to. they will get over it. huge congratulations!

skybluepearl · 05/02/2011 20:53

i got marreid with two friends as witnessess too. both sets of parents are complex and we are not close at all. i also would hate to be centre of attention walking down the isle and hated the idea of spending so much money on one day. getting married was about a commitment made between the two of us. we decided to have a rather lovely special couple with us and celebrated with a low key family meal a few months later just to keep the relatives happy. parents were fine - just relieved that we weren't living in sin anymore

pointylug · 05/02/2011 20:57

You did ask, reindeer.

Tiredmumno1 · 05/02/2011 21:12

Its your life your choice

I think the reasons you gave were perfectly fine, and really it does not matter what anyone here thinks, as long as you are both happy

Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 21:57

Sorry, your right I did ask Blush. I guess I was just feeling defensive. I know our reasons are valid and I am ok with it, but I honestly don't think we were selfish under the circumstances.

BUT, I appreciate to others that it may seem we acted in a selfish manner, and that we should of considered that parents may have been upset in the process.

So I guess we were a tad unreasonable (but I still would have done it this way). And I hope MIL will stop being upset with us eventually.

OP posts:
agnethafaltskog · 06/02/2011 00:30

You talk about the "enormity of your situation" but it isn't just you and your DH who are going through this; your MIL is going to watch her son undergo major surgery with all the risks that involves. Having raised him she (and your parents) deserved some consideration which you didn't give them so you were BU and cruel.

But you don't really care, do you?