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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother should not be allowed to foster children ?

66 replies

mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:13

Fucking hell, this may yet take the Biscuit of all biscuits.
Please somebody tell me she won't get accepted ?
Long story but I moved out of my mums house age 9 because she beat the crap out of me and my little sister with a leather belt. Photographs were taken to use in court but because she didn't object to custody being given to my dad they were never used and she wasn't prosecuted.
The woman would literally whack you around the head as soon as look at you as a kid. Then punished me a 9 year old for wanting to escape her violence by ignoring me for 10 years until she was on her arse and then it was ok for me to babysit my 9 year old brother whilst she went off on a weeks holiday (I was 18 and at work full time), she also left him in the house whilst she went on nights out - one night he put his arm through a window), not mother of the year is what I'm trying to get across.
Fast forward 25 years and she has a spare room and has decided that a way of getting her twat of a boyfriend out of £60k of debt is to foster some poor little mite.
I'm not saying she'd hit the child I'm sure with training she'd control herself but her exact words when I said wouldn't you get attached were "oh no, we wouldn't want one to take on holiday or anything like that, just to give it a home for a few months" Hmm
To be honest I'm horrified, this is purely for the money, but what if anything can be done ?

OP posts:
YesNameChange · 04/02/2011 12:15

She won't be approved. And you will be approached for a chat about her, particularly if you lived with your dad - they will want to know why.

They are pretty good at screening out money-grabbers.

KnittedBreast · 04/02/2011 12:15

i dont really know what to say.

sounds less than ideal

rookiemater · 04/02/2011 12:15

I'm so sorry you had such a crap childhood.

We started the initial stages of fostering and I know that the process is quite rigorous with references being taken from other family members - although it would be down to your mum to choose who that would be.

I don't see that there is any reason why if she managed to get anyway through the process that you couldn't ring up social services and let them know your background.

maresedotes · 04/02/2011 12:17

That's awful. Surely the SS would be in touch with family members/friends before allowing your mum to foster so you could tell them about your experiences as a child? I do hope so. I can't see how she'd not hit them "with training" tbh.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/02/2011 12:17

in your shoes I would be contacting social services and telling them everything. What she did to you and what she has said about fostering.

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 12:17

the SS or who ever decideds will want to talk to you and your brother. be honest with them and tell them about your child hood and also about them only doing it for money.

FooffyShmoofer · 04/02/2011 12:20

They will want to speak to you and if they don't you need to approach them. Put an end to this before it starts.

Callisto · 04/02/2011 12:20

I don't think the screening process is that rigorous - remember that awful woman ion Gloucester who fostered loads od children and abused them all. She made them drink washing up liquid among other things.

Personally, I would be telling anyone in authority who would listen what she did to you as a child. Can your father and sister back you up?

Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:22

Will they really, even though i've not lived with her for 25 years ?

I had my chin on the floor throughout the whole conversation tbh. She's never hit her grandchildren so I do believe she can control herself now but we were belted with a leather belt for not going to sleep and messing around in bed I kid you not, so she's never been in that situation with the grandchildren plus boyfriend I imagine would not allow it, he was very well brought up.

But the motives are not pure at all and it would make me sick to be honest to think having fucked up 4 of her own kids childhoods she'd get her hands on any other child.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:25

My sister has blocked it all out for her own well being, she was sexually assaulted aged three because she was out to play in the street, that sort of thing so she just pretends to herself nothing happened.
My Dad wasn't much better than my mum and would relish the opportunity to drop her in it, but I suspect wouldn't be credible because he'd enjoy it too much and would exaggerate.

OP posts:
5GoMadOnAZ650 · 04/02/2011 12:25

When my parents applied to foster we had every aspect of our lives scrutinised thoroughly so ss should contact you and want to see you.

YesNameChange · 04/02/2011 12:27

The screening process is very rigorous but there's bound to be the odd abuser that gets through.

Mine took 2 years and they practically talked to everyone I knew. There were masses of interviews with very personal questions asked.

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/02/2011 12:27

No chance at all, trust me. But just to be safe, contact your LA (there will be a number for fostering enquiries on their site) and let them know that they need to contact you urgently if she makes an enquiry. I promise you the fostering assessment will show her up straight away though.

bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 12:28

Aside from all the history (which is horrific), no child deserves to be sent to foster care with someone who is only in it for the money.

You would be wrong if you didnt report this to the relevant authorities in my view.

FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 12:28

OMG. I admit I didnt get to the end of your OP because it turned my stomach.

I never went through what you did. But my DH did, his mum was all kinds of abusive, locked him in the cellar, violence, sexual abuse etc. It stopped when she ran off (DH was 15) and nobody ever helped.

I can only imagine what he'd feel like thinking his mother was going to take in a child. As it was, he's tried to prevent her seeing his older children but his exW allows it. To upset DH I think.

Is it possible your mum is suggesting it just to get a rise out of you?

FooffyShmoofer · 04/02/2011 12:29

There is also the possibility that any fostered child MAY (not will) but may have their own problems of an emotional or psychological nature making them harder to handle as a result. She may never have laid a finger on her grandchildren but this is entirely different.

Her reasons for doing are not born from altruism and I think a statement from you would be enough to put a stop to it. It should be.

Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:29

Without giving too much away she's in a caring role now, which frankly she should never have got through the CRB check but because nobody prosecuted she did.
It's very worrying.
Next concern would be for my own children if I flag up how crap she was with me, will that red flag my children ? I've never let her have them over night or indeed alone for that matter.

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 12:30

Anyway, you have to intervene asap.

FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 12:31

No, it wouldn't red flag your kids I think. It's her that was abusive, not you!

ratspeaker · 04/02/2011 12:32

The boyfriend cant be that well brought up if he's 60k in debt and thinks fostering is going to solve that

I would imagine any vetting procedure would look at her own childrens upbringing

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 12:32

If they don't contact you for a chat, there's absolutely nothing stopping you from contacting them. Tell them what you've told us and I'm sure they will at least question her about her raising of her own children.

asdx2 · 04/02/2011 12:34

I wouldn't be so sure the woman over the road who had all 9 of her own kids at one time or another on the at risk register and had had a paedophile boyfriend (father to her youngest) and her ex husband in jail for grooming fostered a baby for a while last year although it seemed to have been short lived and no other poor mites have been placed there since.

saintlyjimjams · 04/02/2011 12:38

Ring social services and tell them.

Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:38

I scarred that if I contact the LEA myself she'll make out I'm nuts and it'll end up being me that suffers.
I wrote her a letter once telling her I was in counseling due to my childhood, she denied absolutely everything, showed and discussed the letter with most of my family and now if ever we fall out I get told I need fucking counseling I'm nuts, which may or may not be the case but she's where it all stems from.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 04/02/2011 12:45

Why do you even stay in contact with this woman? Sorry - probably not very helpful, but really, what's in it for you? Surely just creates extra worry about your kids?