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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother should not be allowed to foster children ?

66 replies

mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:13

Fucking hell, this may yet take the of all biscuits.
Please somebody tell me she won't get accepted ?
Long story but I moved out of my mums house age 9 because she beat the crap out of me and my little sister with a leather belt. Photographs were taken to use in court but because she didn't object to custody being given to my dad they were never used and she wasn't prosecuted.
The woman would literally whack you around the head as soon as look at you as a kid. Then punished me a 9 year old for wanting to escape her violence by ignoring me for 10 years until she was on her arse and then it was ok for me to babysit my 9 year old brother whilst she went off on a weeks holiday (I was 18 and at work full time), she also left him in the house whilst she went on nights out - one night he put his arm through a window), not mother of the year is what I'm trying to get across.
Fast forward 25 years and she has a spare room and has decided that a way of getting her twat of a boyfriend out of £60k of debt is to foster some poor little mite.
I'm not saying she'd hit the child I'm sure with training she'd control herself but her exact words when I said wouldn't you get attached were "oh no, we wouldn't want one to take on holiday or anything like that, just to give it a home for a few months"
To be honest I'm horrified, this is purely for the money, but what if anything can be done ?

OP posts:

Boohooyou · 04/02/2011 23:57

mama I wouldn't rely on ss contacting you.
I am near the end of my fostering assesment and they haven't asked to speak to any of my family members so it sounds like all La's are different.

You mother sounds awful and it would be tragic if she was allowed to foster any child.
Most foster children will have challenging behaviour and it doesn't sound like she would be able to deal with this at all.
Please ring ss and let us know how you get on.

Original poster

mamatomany · 05/02/2011 00:07

Dh thinks she's too selfish to take it any further once she realises what is actually involved, you know having to be supportive to another human being for example.
I'll keep an eye on the situation and if it looks as though she is serious I'll get in touch with everyone I can think of.
Thank you for the kind words, I told DH all about it today, we've been together 10 years and he didn't know so good to offload at last.

OP posts:

Boohooyou · 05/02/2011 00:22

Good idea mama and glad you have been able to tell your dh.
The skills to foster course is a real eye opener and I find it hard to believe that anyone "in it for the money" would continue after doing the course.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 05/02/2011 01:09

I don't think her age comes into it too much as long as she is fit and healthy. My aunt and uncle foster and they are in their sixties. Some areas are desperate for foster carers, every time they say that's the last child we are too old for this, SS are banging on the door with another 2 or 3 children! They make them feel so guilty that they always end up taking more. They have fostered 120 plus children now.

If she thinks there is money to be made she is kidding herself. This kind of attitude throws all the hard work my family do right back in their faces.

I would contact SS I wouldn't want any child to face a percentage of exposure to the life you had. Trust in yourself and don't worry about anything she might say.

You know you are doing the right thing. These kids go through enough crap to be frank, they don't need a nasty bitch like your mother in their lives too.

fishtankneedscleaning · 05/02/2011 01:20

The last thing a child who has encoutered neglect and or abuse needs is a carer who will neglect and or abuse them firther.

You owe it to yourself and the (perspective foster) child to report your concerns to the LA.

I am so sorry to read of the childhood you managed to live through. Please do not allow another child to experience this.

I wish I could be certain that the assessment process would prohibit your mum from fostering. BUT after 23 years of fostering (mainly for LA) I do not have the confidence in LA to support this.

Please make it your priority to make your mums personality and reasons to foster known to the prospective LA/Agency.

fairtradefloozy · 05/02/2011 14:51

Really disappointed that some agencies haven't contacted birth children not living at home- its a fundamental check (not a statutory check, but quite important iyswim).

Also ALL agencies should check bank accounts and finances as part of the process as part of establishing that a family can provide a secure stable home and are financially secure ....

Another thought OP is your mother in her own or rented accom? Landlords letters are required to say they are happy that the property is used for fostering.

Original poster

mamatomany · 05/02/2011 15:14

It's her own property so not a problem there unfortunately.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamatomany · 05/02/2011 15:15

She is financially secure this is the elephant in the room, the boyfriend (if you can call a 57 year old a boyfriend) is not and should go bankrupt not be putting on my mother to find solutions to basically his problems.

OP posts:

magicOC · 05/02/2011 18:22

Are you still in contact with your father?
Long shot I know, but, is there any chance that tucked away somewhere are those pics or the negatives? Long shots I say, but, you'dbe amazed at the things hidden away.

Agree with everyone else tho, you should speak up.

ambarth · 05/02/2011 18:54

I am really sorry that you had to go through all that as a child and that it is all coming back to you because of this.

I don't think you need to worry about her telling social services you have mental health issues. Even if it were true it would actually make her look worse as they would wonder what caused them. Trust me, it wouldn't red flag your kids either. Lots of people have abuse related issues and mental illness but are still good parents (me). I really think you can speak out without it backfiring on you.

Hope that helps xx

homeboys · 05/02/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GwynAndBearIt · 05/02/2011 19:31

mama I don't know a great deal about fostering, but it sounds like you've had plenty of supportive answers from those who do,

but I did want to say it is a really big thing to have suddenly told your DH about this after all this time and to have your appalling experiences brought back to the surface. So, please do look after yourself .

porcamiseria · 05/02/2011 21:11

oh dear

dont let it happen, send an anonymous letter if needs and asked not to be reported back to you, but dont let this happen

poor you

almondfinger · 05/02/2011 21:42

If one child was further damaaged because you didnt contact SS, how would you feel?

Generally the children that go into foster care are damaged already, would you sleep at night knowing what your mother is capable of and that by your inaction you are potentially prolonging the abuse?

Call SS

Original poster

mamatomany · 05/02/2011 22:34

Yes thank you almondfinger, it's never been a case of if I do something about this potential situation more of how to go about it.

OP posts:

almondfinger · 05/02/2011 23:05

Call your local SS???

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