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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother should not be allowed to foster children ?

66 replies

mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:13

Fucking hell, this may yet take the Biscuit of all biscuits.
Please somebody tell me she won't get accepted ?
Long story but I moved out of my mums house age 9 because she beat the crap out of me and my little sister with a leather belt. Photographs were taken to use in court but because she didn't object to custody being given to my dad they were never used and she wasn't prosecuted.
The woman would literally whack you around the head as soon as look at you as a kid. Then punished me a 9 year old for wanting to escape her violence by ignoring me for 10 years until she was on her arse and then it was ok for me to babysit my 9 year old brother whilst she went off on a weeks holiday (I was 18 and at work full time), she also left him in the house whilst she went on nights out - one night he put his arm through a window), not mother of the year is what I'm trying to get across.
Fast forward 25 years and she has a spare room and has decided that a way of getting her twat of a boyfriend out of £60k of debt is to foster some poor little mite.
I'm not saying she'd hit the child I'm sure with training she'd control herself but her exact words when I said wouldn't you get attached were "oh no, we wouldn't want one to take on holiday or anything like that, just to give it a home for a few months" Hmm
To be honest I'm horrified, this is purely for the money, but what if anything can be done ?

OP posts:
PinkCanary · 04/02/2011 12:46

I applied to be a foster carer last year. Even though I am incredibly experienced in working with children, and ticked all the boxes they were looking for we were declined. (unfairly IMHO but that's a whole other thread!)

They go through your life (and bank accounts) with a fine tooth comb. I would be amazed if she was approved.

Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 12:51

I try to "lose" contact with her, not phoning, amke her do all the running, very rarely go to her house that sort of thing. But like a bad penny she'll keep turning up, not sure what's in it for her either tbh.
Well I do know, she doesn't want to lose face, likes to put the photo's up on facebook that sort of thing. Pathetic tbh.
I should also mention she recently got rid of the dog because he was too much work, but a foster child will fit in around her shifts apparently ffs.
PinkCanary I hope you're right.

OP posts:
psiloveyou · 04/02/2011 12:56

mamatomany I'm so sorry you had such a awful childhood.

I'm a FC. She won't get through the selection process. Even if she gets as far as doing the assessment she will be weeded out at the skills to foster course. SS will interview family members. If you don't get contacted and you think her application is progressing I would contact them yourself.

meantosay · 04/02/2011 12:59

Contact social services.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 04/02/2011 13:04

Nothing to offer but sympathy mamatomany. Hope you get some peace of mind out of this thread Smile

CrosswordAddict · 04/02/2011 13:20

Isn't she a bit old to foster?
Anyway, I think you should wait and see for a bit longer. The LEA will probably suss her out and then you get the result you want without having to stick your neck out.
Keep a watch is my advice. But if you think a child is being ill-treated, then it's time to act.

LadyBiscuit · 04/02/2011 13:25

I would say something now. At a time when our services are extremely hard-pressed for cash, it's a horrible waste of money for SS to spend two years finding out she's entirely unsuitable to foster.

And I'm so, so sorry about your ghastly childhood :(

SimplyTes · 04/02/2011 13:29

I have recently been approved for foster caring and have just completed my Child protection awareness course. We, adults, have a duty of care, if we think a child is or may well be placed at risk.

The "Local Authority have a duty to investigate" (Section 47) any concerns.

I am sorry but my eyes have been opened so wide this past year that I actually think anything is possible and somehow your mum might get approved.

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 13:33

i'd contact the fostering unit or whatever straight away and tell them everything you have said here. don't rely on them to check (although hopefully they will). no child deserves to be fostered by this woman.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/02/2011 13:33

Mama - I am really sorry that happened to you. Especially as you plucked up the courage to write a letter. She sounds despicable. This is really horrible - and the thought of her fostering a young kid and having that power again must bring back so many memories for you.

i would call social services if I were you. Mind you is that enough? Doesn't fostering go through all kinds of agencies now - would it be possible that she may well get approved by one of them then?

EldritchCleavage · 04/02/2011 13:36

Say something. My mad nasty SIL claimed she was going to start fostering, and I promised myself if I ever found she was (DH has gone no contact with her so we only hear about her through relatives now and then) I would contact Children's Services with my concerns, even if I had to do it behind DH's back. No child deserves to be left with that self-deluding narcissist.

kittybuttoon · 04/02/2011 13:45

Tell Social Services what you've told us. Give them the dates of the court cases so they can check.

If you tell them that you don't want your Mum to know you've contacted them, they'll just make out they found out about the court stuff during routine enquiries. Your Mum will never know. They will protect your anonymity.

Well done you, for wanting to spare other children what you went through. You are very brave.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/02/2011 13:46

I agree with kittybutton. Am sure SS will not say to your mum 'your daughter told us you are an abusive fruitloop'

Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 13:50

I don't know the dates though, I was 9 years old, the person who would is my dad who was worse than my mum, when I overdosed to get away from him he battered me, took me to A&E sat outside in the car and told me daddy would get into trouble if we go in, do you want to ? I'd taken 20 paracetomal, wanting to shouldn't have come into it, luckily I threw them all up in the night but he and my nan didn't know if I would wake up or not.
Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamatomany · 04/02/2011 13:52

Sorry this is the wrong place to post all this, I just remember how both my parents separately lied to schools and other agencies including SS and got away with it and can't bear that she will do it again.

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 04/02/2011 13:55

OP - seems unlikely she will be approved, but just to be sure if I were you, I'd call SS just to be sure.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/02/2011 13:57

Mama - I am really really sorry.

What a pair of absolute shits. Really angry on your behalf, and very sad for that poor little girl you used to be.

Pixieonthemoor · 04/02/2011 14:04

I am so sorry Mama and I really admire you for wanting to get stuck in on behalf of other children who might be looked after by this terrible woman. I dont really have experience in this area but I am sure Kitty is right - SS will protect your anonymity. There will be no trouble for you - frankly you will be doing them a big favour (and any poss children) in flagging this up and they will thank you for it. If you dont contact them, I am sure it will weigh on your mind so do give them a call.

rookiemater · 04/02/2011 14:14

It sounds like this is bringing up all sorts of deeply sad childhood experiences for you.

I do echo some of the other posters, it doesn't seem as if contact with this woman is healthy for you. In this instance it has brought some good because you can put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation for other children.

However I think its brought to the forefront a lot of horrible things that happened to you. This woman does not deserve to spend time with you or your children.

kittybuttoon · 04/02/2011 18:50

mamatomany, doesn't matter that there aren't any court records - SS might have records of their own, from way back, that they can check.

Even if they haven't, you've done your bit by tipping them off.

The people at the Fostering and Adoption are usually really, really nice and are used to dealing with people's secrets in a caring way.

fairtradefloozy · 04/02/2011 19:52

It is unlikely that she would be approved. There are several steps along the way to becoming a foster carer, including checks with other local authorities, checks on any historical records of reports to SS for any reason and most agencies will also want to speak to family members, both those at home and adult children - we certainly do.

However if you are at all concerned, can I suggest that you find out which agency she is applying to (sounds like it may be a private agency), and make a disclosure about your childhood experiences. If you don't know the agency you can still make that disclosure to the local authority as most independent agencies will need to contact the LA for statutory checks as part of their processes.

Hope that helps.

MrsNonSmoker · 04/02/2011 21:45

You know you also have the option to ring the NSPCC they will take it on board for you so you never have to make the call and offer you some support as well.

ilovemyhens · 04/02/2011 22:36

I hope she isn't approved Sad

I was fostered when I was four and the mother was a psychopathic, evil bitch and used to torture and starve me. My head's trashed because of it. I had to live with them for 6 years and was lucky to survive because of some of the things she did.

You should contact SS and explain things to them.

BlackSwan · 04/02/2011 22:59

Please call SS and tell them. Imagine, there are children out there now with no one to protect them from a potentially very bad fostering situation. Except you.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 04/02/2011 23:11

Please do contact SS.

She may be unlikely to be approved, but that isn't promise enough. I was fostered and have direct experience of foster carers doing it for the money and of being abusive. It simply isn't worth the risk.

I agree with the others, I don't think you need to continue having a relationship with her if it is so painful. What do you get out of it? If nothing, don't worry about upsetting er or the rest of the family, you and your children are far more important.