I am, I know, and I know what the responses will be <quiver> but I am upset and angry so am throwing myself to the lions

[yerbladdymavva]

just had a row with ds2's teacher

he's 6 and in Y2, in the top reading group and very capable, although he is not keen on reading and writing and is apt to be slapdash

he reads at home with me and writes for a purpose "insulting notes to his brother, nice notes to me etc and I work in early years so I have a reasonable grasp of where he is

two of the children in his reading group have been having harder reading books because teacher thinks they are at a different level - I think the books ds2 gets are pitifully easy and dull, but I haven't questioned it much (did mention it at parents evening but didn't push it)

today though his spellings were "have", "out", "with", "some" etc - he could spell those when he was 4 fgs

the two top ones in his group had "eventually", "different", "heard" etc

I asked the teacher whether she was sure these were the right spellings as they look very like the ones he had in Reception

she said the whole class aprt from the top 2 had the same words, apart from the 4 lowest who had the same words but only 4 of them

she showed me the long test they did last week where my ds2 had spelled "were" as "wur"

If I were his teacher I would have kicked him up the proverbial arse and made him do it again - she knows damn well he can do that level of work standing on his head.

I WILL talk to him about being lazy, but honestly I am fuming that the teacher isn't making any effort to get anything out of him, I feel that she has "picked" the two top children in the group and sod the rest

Wow. Way, way overinvolved in this. Don't go near the school until you get yourself a grip.

Do any of you ever feel completely unequipped to parent your children in a way that doesn't do damage, one way or the other?

Hell yes!

But all we can do is our best, and usually, that's good enough.

It might also be worth remembering that as long as you praise him for any achievements, and you don't put all his value on academic achievement, (ie point out other things he does well that can't be measured with grades or certificates) he will be fine.

I feel for you op. It is so hard to make children do something at school when you are not there. If it was easy people wouldn't always be reassuring Mums whose children behave at school but are horrors at home.
Also I agree there is a huge contrast between the two sets up words. If your ds is anything like my eldest then he will have just stopped bothering out of boredom. As soon as you give him anything to push him and say I expect this of you and I won't accept anything less he tends to step up to the plate.
Could you do your own list of words from somewhere between the two levels and tell him that the teacher will expect him to know them. Also make sure he does know how to spell all the simpler words and that he knows that you expect full marks on the simple words tests once he's proved to you he does know them all.

You are going to do your son so much damage if you keep this up. He's doing well now, but if he picks up on your stress...you could very well send him backwards and he could become unteachable by the time he's in senior school..thinking 'what's the point if I'm such a disappointment to my Mum'?

So he wrote wur well big deal...that does not make him 'lazy'. All it means is he temporarily forgot how to spell it.

Pushy parents who want their kids to have the same reading books/spellings/homework as other kids are the bain of teacher's lives.

If you want him to read harder books...take him to the library. If you want him doing harder spellings...set some for him at home.

But be aware that your attitude towards him being 'lazy' for misspelling a common word, could well be his downfall in later years.

If you dont want to bollock him then go the bribe route.

tell him he will get 10p for each word spelt correctly in a school test. Does you child do his spelling tests in the back of his spelling book? If so it is easy to check each week and then make a big thing of paying over the reward.

You cannot blame the teacher as all she is doing is setting work at the level he is producing. She cannot know that he spells these words with you at home nor can she just take your word for it. Infact she sounds a great teacher who is setting individual work for each group of children at the level they are working to.
I would be far easier for her to just set one lot of work and let some fail.

Yes, I do sometimes get stuck on something in parenting, and feel like I'm doing it wrong or taking my own issues into it, and 9 times out of 10, I am usually right!

I think you have a valid point about him not being stretched in his ability, one which you have every right to have a word with the teacher about, but are perhaps not listening to some of the very good advice on here about the way forward.

I don't think getting stuck on spelling tests will help here, especially if your son, for whatever reason, is still writing easy words down wrong.

Its now a bit of a confrontation, you want him to have hard spellings, she doesn't, and can't back down.

Plus you have to remember that if you do fight for the harder spellings, he may not in his present lazier mode be ready for how hard work it is to learn those words. You may end up with egg on your face.

You could always go back into the school and have a nice and co-operative word with her too, saying that it's wasn't just about spellings, but you are bit concerned he's under-achieving (so it's about him, not her incompetence as you see it).

Finally, if you are that 'stuck' on this, perhaps you are right this is a little bigger and is about you as well.

OP, Firstly.... Relax. To be fair, it seems like you've already recognised that this is as much about your issues as it is any wrongdoing on the teacher's part. The worst consequence of any of this is probably that your relationship with the teacher and the school is damaged. You can't have a go at a teacher over a difference in perception. It needs a decent discussion and a co-ordinated response.

Stop the tickling, and stretch your son at home. Only give him rewards for new achievements - not for spelling/reading a word he spelt correctly the previous day. Think about why he is 'lazy' (personally I don't like the term for a kid this young - probably demotivated is more appropriate and I don't think it is a young'uns responsibiltiy to motivate themselves, f**k knows I struggle to motivate myself). Is there any more you can do to motivate him? My dc isn't at this age yet, so don't have much expertise I'm afraid.

OK so I have overreacted because of my own neuroses about academic achievement and I have upet the teacher, my ds2 and myself. I will apologise to ds2 this evening for embarrassing him and I will ring the teacher after school and apologise for being unreasonable, and also let her know that I am concerned about him not doing his best.

I am listening, believe it or not. I knew I was going to get bruised, but I posted because I knew I had got myself into a spin.

It's so hard. I alternate between thinking I am too tyrannical and too soft. I can never see middle ground. I can honestly say I have no idea whether I am fucking my kids up or not. Probably, but I don't know at which extreme - I seem to have no compass.

surely some children are just better a concentrating than others? whether this is genetic or the example they are set at home (or a combination) i'm not going to get into.

when i was a kid i could go for hours concentrating on my work. i loved it and was the top of the class - no parental pushing, home tuition or whatever. academic capablitities have got me so far but i'm not so good on the friendship / networking stuff.

you do know that studies have shown the children who are most 'successful' in later life are not the academic boffins (loners) but those with the largest friendship circles and those who are the most popular?

okay

here ya go

you make 2 lists of words for him to learn, weekly or how ever frequently you want (teacher might be able to supply you with the lists for the next few weeks)

list 1 - 10 'easy' words

list 2 - 3 'hard' words

he chooses which list to learn and effectively differentiates himself

??

I alternate between thinking I am too tyrannical and too soft.

You are too desperate for him to shine, that's all. He is 6. Help him at home, support the teacher, and let him find his way. He will be put off learning if you go down the 'bollocking' route.

Try not to get so involved. There will be much bigger battles along the way, this might seem like a big deal but really, it isn't at all.

Never mind, apologise to get relationship with teacher back on track, have a very large & a good weekend.

I've had a think about this and I think that you have to try and separate his work at home and school. At home, it is easier to perform better as there are no distractions like other children and if he does work at the weekend then he'll be more fresh (remember that they do 6 hours at school and timing of the test may affect results too eg. he may be better if it was after lunch rather than before.)

I read your post about your insecurities and I think you have to try and chill. Being middle of the class in Y2 doesn't mean that he will always be in the middle.

just seen this. Waheeyyyyy!!!

Well... reading your responses from the other swimming thread, OP, perhaps the teacher just thinks it's best to let your son do things his way, rather than suggesting that he might be lazy and risk having you chucking your weight around.

You know that though, hence your thread title. I'm glad I'm not a teacher. I reckon the good ones have all quit the LEA schools because of parents like you.

Hmmmm looks like I am going to disagree with most of the opinions here and agree with the OP. As you have said, your son needs to be told to pull his finger out more but I do think that the teacher needs to be called on this one. Not a row, obviously, but you should have a sit down and a chat along the lines of "you and I both know he is more capable than this, you are not stretching him, please do so". Just because one word is misspelled doesnt mean that he is incapable of spelling generally at a much higher level. Quite often teachers will single out their 'stars' and not believe in the abilities of others - she needs to be made aware of what your son is capable of. In the nicest possible way, of course - no point in making an enemy of her!

I am also a teacher. I hate spellings I don't think they teach children how to spell. Children learn how to spell firstly by being exposed to a rich reading environment. Read, read, read to and with your children. Also as English is not a phonetic language children need to be shown how our words are made up from different spelling 'families'. Explore words with your son. Play games like what words can we think of with the ay sound in them (play, day, stay, rain etc). Then talk about how those words are spelt (ay or ai). Look for patterns of words with the same spellings. But most importantly when you are at home with your son encourage his interests and allow him to experiment with writing. When he chooses to write he will be able to apply his knowledge and that is when you'll know the learning has been embedded. Remember we don't learn from the things we get right, we learn from having the confidence to take risks and from our mistakes. This applies to writing as much as anything else.

I've noted that you have ishoos with self worth and the like but actually, unless you plan to home educate, or move your child to a school with the tiniest of classes, you've got to realise that the teacher you accuse of being slovenly, is attempting to ensure all the children in her class get a rounded education. It's not all about your son and I'd certainly not have wanted my children taught by anyone who thought arse-kicking (albeit metaphorically) was an appropriate part of the infant school curriculum. Your son's teacher can only set work based on the performance he puts in at school and I'm wondering whether he is quietly rebelling against your hothousing by making lazy and deliberate mistakes like "wur" for "were".

So, rather than condemning the teacher (who, with respect, is probably coming to dread your interventions), take a step back and remember that your ds is only 6 and really doesn't need unnecessary academic pressure yet. Being able to spell "eventually" at this age is absolutely no measure of his ultimate success in life. Success, in any case, needing to be measured across a very much wider range of achievements.

Don't apologise to your DS, you've done nothing wrong. Just back off a bit and keep him reading. And think over why you are so narked that he is not in the top two (I know you already are). It is a very very small issue, as I think you know really.

Thanks for all your comments, including the critical ones

No thanks to LyingWitch though, are you always aggressive and ill-mannered? It's not good to drag things from one thread to the other. And you don't know me well enough to say whether or not I am a factor in teachers quitting state schools

This is the first time I have complained about anything to this teacher though, despite having known her for three years (she is the SENCo and my ds1 has ASD) so I doubt she is coming to dread my "interventions"

HingCogNeeto you are very funny and I think OP should follow your advice.

yerbladdymavva... I thought you were equally ill-mannered and rude in the other thread. Perhaps in this thread you've been more willing to see other views but in the other thread you weren't.

I really don't care whether you agree with me or not. I'm very angry with parents who act or have acted in a similar manner to you. I'm seeing a societal slide and decline with parents thinking they have the right to micro-manage professionals just because of the way the system now is. I'm not happy about it and I'm certainly not going to pat you on the back when I think you acted in an over the top manner. I actually do believe that good teachers are leaving the profession because of OTT parents and the lack of discipline.

You're right, I don't know you other than what you write on your posts so I gauge you as a person from what you write.

Do what you want but if you post your personal circumstances on a chatboard, be prepared to get a range of responses, not just the ones you like.

I took particular issue with you first sentence, OP, the one where you said you had a row with your DS's teacher. Who the hell do you think you are? Do you never have normal conversations with them? I hope your 'row' was in private.

I think the teacher is actually being quite sensible, OP. As has been said already, your DS didn't know how to spell a reasonably simple word, so his teacher has sent him home with words that won't be too much of a stretch for him. When she can be sure he knows those words, I'm sure he will be given something more challenging. It's entirely understandable you want him to do the best that he can, but if he is still struggling with the easy words, it won't help to push him on before he is ready. I'm sure with your help at home, he will soon be moving onto the next set of words!

I'm glad you didn't actually have a go at the teacher, I'm sure you realise by now that wouldn't have been the right thing to do. :)