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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am, I know, and I know what the responses will be <quiver> but I am upset and angry so am throwing myself to the lions

103 replies

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 09:21

just had a row with ds2's teacher

he's 6 and in Y2, in the top reading group and very capable, although he is not keen on reading and writing and is apt to be slapdash

he reads at home with me and writes for a purpose "insulting notes to his brother, nice notes to me etc and I work in early years so I have a reasonable grasp of where he is

two of the children in his reading group have been having harder reading books because teacher thinks they are at a different level - I think the books ds2 gets are pitifully easy and dull, but I haven't questioned it much (did mention it at parents evening but didn't push it)

today though his spellings were "have", "out", "with", "some" etc - he could spell those when he was 4 fgs

the two top ones in his group had "eventually", "different", "heard" etc

I asked the teacher whether she was sure these were the right spellings as they look very like the ones he had in Reception

she said the whole class aprt from the top 2 had the same words, apart from the 4 lowest who had the same words but only 4 of them

she showed me the long test they did last week where my ds2 had spelled "were" as "wur"

If I were his teacher I would have kicked him up the proverbial arse and made him do it again - she knows damn well he can do that level of work standing on his head.

I WILL talk to him about being lazy, but honestly I am fuming that the teacher isn't making any effort to get anything out of him, I feel that she has "picked" the two top children in the group and sod the rest

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 09:37

Yerbladdymavva - maybe you laughing with him makes him feel that it is unimportant.

He can spell the word but fails at school - to me you need to be firm with him and tell him off. not to have a laugh about it.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/02/2011 09:38

They move fast though, Hilda - we had these key words so that we had an idea of where they should be by the end of the year, that most children should be able to read these words, or write some of them.

With regards to words like WERE and SOME, like the OP is using as an example, I would say that they are spellings for year one, not reception.

fishtankneedscleaning · 04/02/2011 09:42

If your DS wrote were as wur then he has not shown the teacher he is capable of spelling a simple word correctly - irrelevent of whether he can do it at home. Therefore he would not be given words like "eventually" would he?

It's like saying "I had a row with the teacher because my 14 year old did not do well in his exams but I kknow he is capable because he works well at home".

Teachers can only assess a child based on how well the child has performed in school.

HoorahHilda · 04/02/2011 09:43

puff ..yy agree . Have to admit actually now I think about it dd's Reception year went by in a bit of a blur .. had dt's who were 6 months ish so was mostly sleep deprived . !

Original poster

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 09:43

I see your point fishtank, I really do

But I can't help feeling that the teacher ought to have a better grasp of where the children are - he patently isn't a child who can't spell a word like "were" and I think she is being lazy and giving all her attention to the top two

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/02/2011 09:44

We certainly never had set spellings home to learn though.

Am still sleep deprived

PaisleyLeaf · 04/02/2011 09:44

Maybe you should tickle him if he gets the spellings right.
He could be doing them wrong to get the tickle-fun and so the right/wrong spelling of words is becoming blurred.

When the teacher sees that he can spell the easier words - he'll get harder words.

Coralanne · 04/02/2011 09:46

I agree with MrSpoc.

You tickle him when he is too lazy to read or spell to his ability?

Don't compare him at all to the other children in his class.

Encourage him to take pride in his achievements.

The teacher doesn't have time to mollycoddle him and think he's cute when in fact he is just damn lazy.

Make him buck up at home and this will be reflected at school.

cory · 04/02/2011 09:47

well, you can't exactly expect the teacher to tickle your son if he mis-spells his word and then get him to do it again- at the same time as remembering that the little girl next to him hates tickling and will only respond to a telling off, whereas the little boy on the next table will get very upset if he is told off....etc etc

your son is venturing into the outside world: eventually, he will have to learn that if he wants to get on he has to show what he knows without his mum negotiating every step of the way

yes, it is a slow learning process and yes, it can seem as if he is wasting time on the way- but he would be wasting more time if he never got to negotiate this on his own

Original poster

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 09:49

I don't want her to mollycoddle him, I want her to kick him up the arse and and EXPECT something of him instead of just lumping all the children together apart from two

I hadn't thought about me being too gentle when I am reading with him. I saw it as a way of making him word hard and not accepting laziness, while also keeping "reading with mummy" a cuddly enjoyable thing that he wants to do

I may be overcompensating there because my mother was a violent bitch

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 09:49

yerbladdymavva - I do not think this is a case of bad teaching or just ignoring the whole class in favour of the top two.

Teacher has assed the class as a whole and has judged where they are at.

You son has shown the teacher he cannot spell the word in the teachers environment. How is the teacher to know any different.

It is your job to pull your son up and give him a rollocking for being lazy.

Stop having tickle fun with him when he gets things wrong. do it when he gets it right.

thebrownstuff · 04/02/2011 09:50

I think you (and we as parents in general) need to relax about this sort of thing. These spelling tests in yr2 won't make a difference to whether or not he becomes a doctor/lawyer etc. I can never understand why so many parents bellyache about this sort of trivia.

The important thing is for you, and the teacher, to work on his attitude towards learning and to appying himself to the work he is given. The rest will fall into place. Success in life isn't about how clever you are. It is very much about attitude and work ethos.

In short - YABU

PaisleyLeaf · 04/02/2011 09:51

It sounds a bit like you've got a problem with the 2 getting harder spellings.
I don't think you need to look at it like the other 2 are getting all the attention. Your DS is getting a lot of attention by going back over stuff he (according to you) already knows, until there is evidence he knows it.

Original poster

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 09:52

but I am saying the same thing about attitude and work ethos. If he had spelt "were" as "wur" for me, I would have made him do it again.

OP posts:

CrosswordAddict · 04/02/2011 09:52

Give him an incentive scheme. Say to him "if you do well in your next piece of work I'll give you ----" whatever you think you could manage. He's coasting bigtime IMO. Also the teacher is quite happy with this it seems to me. Well, he's got to show her he's worth more.

curlymama · 04/02/2011 09:52

I know exactly where you are coming from!It is incredibly frustrating when you know they can do it but they just won't!

We have had a simelar sort of thing with ds1 and maths. He is very capable at maths, top of his class, but he went through a phase of just not being bothered. His teacher handles it better than yours seems to though. She said she knew he was more than capable of doing the work, but that she simply couldn't give him the next level up until he had proved that he could do it. So she spoke to him in a very blunt way (he has AS so responds well to that) and explained the situation, but she also gave him an incentive to bother by giving him house poiints when he did the work in the set amount of time instead of dawdling and not bothering because he thought it was boring. She made it into a little competition against himself, and that definately helped him pull his finger out. He then went up to the hardest level of work and bothered because he was enjoying the challange.

Is there any way you could get the teacher to do stuff like that, or give him little rewards at hime for getting good marks in spelings tests? Boys often respond quite well if you put a bit of competition in there for them. I know plenty of people disagree with things like that, but imo, if it works, sod it.

cantspel · 04/02/2011 09:53

I hope when you say you just had a row with your sons teacher you mean you just had a difference of opinion rather than a shouty ranty row.

Original poster

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 09:54

I didn't shout at her no, I was fairly polite but clearly dissatisfied. She stonewalled me.

OP posts:

KnittedBreast · 04/02/2011 09:55

could you not get him involvved with spelling compititions?

PaisleyLeaf · 04/02/2011 09:56

Perhaps she will make him do it again before moving onto harder words. Maybe it'll come up in a later test or maybe it will have come up in some writing in class.

greentig3r · 04/02/2011 09:56

:o and OMG. He's six.

princessparty · 04/02/2011 09:58

I think you are approaching this the wrong way.Why not just ask the teacher if he can have a copy of the more difficult words to try at home when he has learned the easy ones?Or better yet, ask her where you can find them on the interne.That way you are not undermining her decision but you are quietly making the point that you believe your DS can do more .No one loses face

BTW was 'wur' the only word wrong oin the whole test?

Litchick · 04/02/2011 09:58

You clearly want your son to be in the top group and feel he is capable.

So your DS will need to demonstrate his apptitude. No point you simply teling the teacher. I suppose they hear that every day of the week.

That said, I do think those words are too easy for yeear two.

crazygracieuk · 04/02/2011 10:00

I can understand why you are disappointed that your ds doesn't perform as well at school as he does at home and that his ability isn't top two of the class.

However I really think that you should be working with the teacher rather than against her. If you wanted her to consider your ds to be in the top 2 group then you should be explaining that your ds is lazy and ask her to give him a trial of the hard spellings because you think he can learn them etc. Rowing with her will only get her back up.

As others said, the tickling is probably not helping either.

If you're talking about a state school then yabu to expect the teacher to kick your son up the proverbial ass. There are 30 kids in the class and all need attention.

Original poster

yerbladdymavva · 04/02/2011 10:02

I am a bit unnerved by just HOW upset I am tbh

I know I have issues of my own around achievement and self-worth that run very deep

I try really hard not to mess my kids up with it

but then I get as upset as this when one of them is being underestimated

Do any of you ever feel completely unequipped to parent your children in a way that doesn't do damage, one way or the other?

OP posts:

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