To think that there us a lot of unfriendly women out there...

[MsKLo]

Bit of background - in the past, I have made some wonderful friends in people I have met in places like baby cafes, toddler groups, though other friends, gym classes etc...

I am quite a chatty person and will happily chat to new people and if I meet some fellow mums etc who seem nice I may suggest let's meet for a coffee or let's meet with the kids etc...

Lately, I have met a few fellow mums and have suggested the same thing (not in a pushy way - just said, 'if you ever want to meet up for coffee or with the kids, let me know' ) and the said ladies have said 'yes, that would be nice' we exchange numbers and they then never text to arrange a meet up and then are even quite unfriendly!

Have I done the wrong thing in being friendly and suggesting a meet up?! Like I said, I have met some

great people this way! It's not that they have to follow up our chats with a coffee etc but it does seem thatthey don't even want to make an effort to be friendly! Maybe I do the wrong thing in suggesting a meet u

I don't do this a lot by the way! But sometimes when I meet a fellow mum etc who seems nice, I do and like
I said, I have met some lovely people this way - but lately - just a bunch of very unfriendly ones!

I don't feel like I should be so chatty anymore!

Aibu to think I have just met some really unfriendly people lately or should I have not been so chatty and suggested meetin up etc?!

"I would run like the plague from someone like you OP" - that doesn't even make any sense.

Anyway I didn't mean to sound as rude as I come across in my last post (just put it down to my being a standoffish miserable bastard!)

Ok, here's where I think the problem is:

I...have suggested the same thing (not in a pushy way - just said, 'if you ever want to meet up for coffee or with the kids, let me know' ) and the said ladies have said 'yes, that would be nice' we exchange numbers and they then never text to arrange a meet up and then are even quite unfriendly!

'if you ever want to meet up' is quite a vague concept anyway, but then it appears you are leaving them to suggest an actual date and time.

Instead, why don't you say 'lets go for a coffee - how about Monday after school drop-off at cafe X?'

It might not be that they are intentionally unfriendly, just not as outgoing as you. It can come across as being standoffish.

It's not that they have to follow up our chats with a coffee etc but it does seem that they don't even want to make an effort to be friendly!

Well the way you've phrased the OP does suggest that, yes, you do feel they have to follow up your chats with a coffee! Fine, but you should probably make the arrangements if you want it to happen. Especially if they are as anti-social as I am

And yes to what getorf says about not wanting to use up precious child-free hours with other people.

ArsMama, I think the OP has said (or implied) that by not being specific, and leaving it more 'open' she is giving them a get out clause, and sees this as being less Full On. I'm paraphrasing here, obviously. But I take your point. Don't know which is the better of the two options.

MsKLo - I totally understand how you've felt. I moved to a whole new area, with a toddler and new baby and really really struggled to make new friends. I was at home full time with 2 under 2s.

I used to make an effort to got out and go to a soft play centre. I used to see the same group of mums every time (obviously an anti-natal group) I started trying to chat, juts by saying stuff like "oh your DD walks so well for 18months, blah blah.." - Inane chat really, but I was trying to open up a conversation. But yeah Im a chatty person too (like yourself, but I was v lonely and knew I had to make an effort. Seriously you'd think I had "LOSER" tattooed on my forehead, they used to look at me like I had the plague. I found it very hurtful. But I know they just didnt need anyone else in their group.

It got better when DD started afternoon nursery and I got to meet new people then. But I still remember how hurtful it was. It takes time to make new friends when you are a grown up, and I think its bloody hard.

Good luck OP and ignore the people who don't seem interested, just move on.

sloggies, yes I see what you mean. Because my default position is keeping myself to myself, I would never phone anyone I didn't really know.

If someone said 'let's meet up for coffee one day', I would take that to be a polite way of saying 'I potentially like you but let's leave it for now shall we?'

If someone said 'what are you doing next wednesday - let's have a quick coffee before we get stuck into chores', I would be much more likely to do it.

It is partly a cultural thing, my husband has found it difficult to make friends in the UK, as he just didn't 'get' the system here, and people would say to his face, 'let's meet up' and then never meet up or call or be available (which is fine as they may not have been free or wanted to make new friends) but he found he didn't know when people really really wanted to meet up!

It does take time, and I agree with the person that says you need a bit of interest from them, if they are chatting back animatedly to you, you agree on stuff or laugh at the same things, ask that person. Don't ask the person who looks like they have somewhere else to be, better things to do and so on.

I also agree with the 'do you fancy a coffee straight after drop-off today or sometime this week' will work much better than exchanging numbers for some vague future. I always do this, and then never call, as we are often busy in the holidays and weekends, but I would be free for a quick coffee one morning.

You sound lovely, and plenty of people do want to make friends, but some don't so you do need to fine-tune your approach. And, yes, you have had a run of bad luck, I had one the year after my daughter was born and I thought I'd never make mummy friends ever. Interestingly enough, I have made friends since then, but probably only a couple, and one without children, so look around in other places (work, gym) than just assuming mums will want to meet other mums.

I don't mean to make it sound like I just approach anyone... It is only sometimes I do this, if I have met sometime a few times etc. Here are a few examples...

I live in a cul de sac and one of my neighbours has kids very close in age to mine. Before Xmas she took in a parcel for me and when I picked it up I said something along the lines of why not come round with the kids one morning etc so I put my number in an xma card and then when I saw her out one day I said oh did you get my card she said yes and that was it so don't want to push

Another lady I see a lot in my local gym and we chat when pickin our babies from the crèche and we are both from Italian backgrounds and similar kid ages etc so I said it would be lovely to
Get together for a coffee sometime (gym has a coffee bar) after the gym and gave her my number - again didn't want to push it but she too treats me like I have the plague!

And another couple similar examples!

Its not that I do this all the time and straight away, when I have seen someone in certain situations a few times etc and we seem to have stuff in common I might suggest it and offer my number and like I said before I have made some lovely Friends before but lately peoPle seem a bit funny...

I am busy too and don have a lot of time but if I meet someone who I feel
Would be nice to get to know I might suggest a meetup

I think I am getting it wrong lately though!

By the way - do any of you ladies make friends here on MN?

Firstly thank you for bringing this to our attention. You sound a really nice person so try not to take the rejection to heart, its not you.
I have lived in a city where I found the same problem of people not wanting to get out of their safe comfort zone of Friends. I personally don't understand that as I think my world is a better place for making and meeting new people.
I now live in a very small rural village where to some extent the no new friends scenario rears its head and if your not a born and bred or related too you are rejected before they even try but that's a whole new thread.
There is lots of strange people out there. You will find like minded friends, I don't think you are doing anything wrong for goodness sake, I did exactly the same when my kids where younger. I really really don't understand this closed circle of friends group. I've always made a point of introducing all my new friends to existing friends, but have had people being quite shocked at that, which is potty. Life is funny you will find a friend I have no doubt probably when you not even trying. Nameste

You sound lovely. Keep doing as you are - for every person thats terribly important and "too busy" for new friends (what a horribly blinkered life such people must lead) there will be a grateful lonely new mum/new comer who will be thrilled at the overture.

Also agree that its a cultural thing. The English are weird (I am one) and can be really unfriendly. I have overseas friends who are great people but have really struggled to integrate. An Aussie guy I worked with said in Australia an email would go round inviting everyone to the pub after work. In England it was done verbally and only the special few were chosen. Sad really.

Well said Kerala

OP, you say you don't fit the description in my earlier post. Good, I'm glad to hear it. So why take offence? It wasn't a personal statement against you, how could it be since I don't know you?

I see from Finding's post that I'm not the only one on this thread who finds that kind of overbearing person rude. Piglet - if you're happy to listen to someone talk about themselves for hours on end then all well and good. I've done my fair share of listening over the years. Nowadays I take the view that if they have no compunction about offending me, why should I be mousy and polite and pretend to enjoy being talked at?

I think people have different levels of friendship. The closer friendships tend to grow more organically rather than being "organised" if you see what I mean.

I have one very close mum friend who I see all the time, one who I see once a week, and one who I only see about twice a year but is still a very close friend. Then there are a few people who I know from various baby groups and have occasionally done one-off social things with, and then there are quite a few other people who I know to say hello to, or chat to at the actual groups, but would not be particularly interested in meeting at other times. It's not because they aren't nice, or interesting, it's just because it would take quite an unatural, awkward effort to make the jump from acquaintance to friend.

My closer friendships grew naturally, rather than being "ooh we both have children, let's meet" moments. Some of the more casual friendships could potentially become stronger if circumstances allowed. Some of the acquaintances could potentially become friends if we found ourselves spending more time together.

OP I am in the east midlands too and would be up for meeting up if you are near me? i love making new friends :o

I like chatting to people on an ad hoc basis but my heart sinks when meetups and coffee mornings are mentioned.

I got horribly locked into one when my dc were much younger and although I liked the people, I just hated the relentlessness of it. It was just another thing to try and jam into the day and I didn't enjoy it. I don't even drink coffee and tea either.

I think some people just aren't as comfortable with it as others. I'm more of a loner really.

I have a friend who loves all that - she is queen of the dinner party/coffee morning and likes organise people into doing them. How do you say thanks but no thanks without causing offense?[confuse]

Speedy

I can't think of anythin worse than being aroun someone who drones on about themselves for hours on end either and I definately do not do this!

I don't mean to sound like I am desperate for arranging meet ups etc but like in the last example I gave, sometimes when i have suggested it would be nice to meet up it has been met with weird unfriendliness
And yes, I do find it can be a cultural thing tbh!

Supervixen - inbox me ur whereabouts?!

Kungfu

Again u talk a lot of sense

You are like the wise one from Kung Fu

Speedy being chatty and bubbley does not mean that you drone on about yourselves, I dont like talking about myself, and perfer to get to know the person. I personally would try and avoid that kind of person too. GOML its sad that you have no room in your life for new friends, rather limiting, what if you meet a really nice likeminded person would you reject them because you have too many friends in your life. Then its time to reasses your friendships and get rid of fairweather friends or ones that do not bother about you.

MrsK thought that you were not English (IYSWIM). My family is Armenian from Cyprus and I am married to a Maltese man so yes we are very friendly, just comes naturally, though my dh is more reserved and less outgoing than me. I think that its only us Meds that are loud overfriendly, and pushy . I do pick who I have as friends carefully and dont have every man and his dog in my address book. If I am in contact with a person for a long time and we get on than I will suggest that they come round for tea/coffee.

MsK shame you are not near me, I am in Milton Keynes and do not drive, though i hope to learn when I start work in a years time when dd goes to school. MsK just dont worry about them, there are plenty of other people out there.

OP, I think you sound lovely. It seems to me that maybe the demographic you are meeting right now are too busy to follow up things - I know that when my kids were smaller that I just had no time for coffee etc and simply felt too ashamed too ashamed of the state of my house, my tiredness etc to want to interact.

Thanks alistron

I know what you mean - my kids are all consuming too but sometimes (see my examples on page 3) when I have suggested contact the unfriendliness is just weird.

There have been so many lovely replies on here! Thank you!

i am exactly like you op and i too have a (half) european background.
it can be a bit disheartening when other people are non comittal but it is interesting to read the other posts here and see how it looks from the other side.
i am willing to be friends with anyone and have no filter as it were - it doesn't do me any favours sometimes but i am not going to change my personality.

I totally agree with KungFuPanda, there are different types of friendships and different levels. Those friendships that are meant to be, will naturally progress, those that arent will just stay on the same level. There are mums at dds nursery, that while I say hello to, would not develop into anything more, whilst a couple have developed into a friendship naturally as we are both likeminded people and personalities are similar.

Hello OP, you said earlier on in the thread that you swap numbers but it's not a problem if they don't get in touch.
Well it clearly is or you wouldn't be on here talking about it.
I'm also one of those people who doesn't get back in touch, not out of rudeness just that my life's too busy to fit in the friends i've already got never mind new ones.

We swap numbers after a good while usually and there has been an interest shown in getting together! It's not a problem but in the situations I am on about it is a bit rude - see my examples given earlier