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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that there us a lot of unfriendly women out there...

90 replies

MsKLo · 03/02/2011 22:48

Bit of background - in the past, I have made some wonderful friends in people I have met in places like baby cafes, toddler groups, though other friends, gym classes etc...

I am quite a chatty person and will happily chat to new people and if I meet some fellow mums etc who seem nice I may suggest let's meet for a coffee or let's meet with the kids etc...

Lately, I have met a few fellow mums and have suggested the same thing (not in a pushy way - just said, 'if you ever want to meet up for coffee or with the kids, let me know' ) and the said ladies have said 'yes, that would be nice' we exchange numbers and they then never text to arrange a meet up and then are even quite unfriendly!

Have I done the wrong thing in being friendly and suggesting a meet up?! Like I said, I have met some

great people this way! It's not that they have to follow up our chats with a coffee etc but it does seem thatthey don't even want to make an effort to be friendly! Maybe I do the wrong thing in suggesting a meet u

I don't do this a lot by the way! But sometimes when I meet a fellow mum etc who seems nice, I do and like
I said, I have met some lovely people this way - but lately - just a bunch of very unfriendly ones!

I don't feel like I should be so chatty anymore!

Aibu to think I have just met some really unfriendly people lately or should I have not been so chatty and suggested meetin up etc?!

OP posts:

Original poster

MsKLo · 04/02/2011 00:07

I'm not doing it any more!

Wail!

OP posts:

CockularDepravity · 04/02/2011 00:10

If the previous questions were aimed at me, MsKLo, I am a British lady now living in New Zealand. I don't consider myself strange but I appreciate that may not stop you thinking so.

As for your last point, it was a discussion and as I didn't consider you "off" there is nothing to apologise for.

Original poster

MsKLo · 04/02/2011 00:15

Nah I was off and narky and there was no need for it as it's not my usual way

We'll have a long distance coffee then!

Lol

OP posts:

SarahBumBarer · 04/02/2011 00:16

I think there are times in your life when it is easy to make friends - uni, new job, start of mat leave etc and other times when it does not fall so easily into place. I like the idea of making a new friend but then it can be hard to fit existing friends in and I just end up feeling guilty and I really hate feeling guilty!!

DizzyDummy · 04/02/2011 00:17

Sorry, I'm 'oop north' so a bit of a trek to East Mids

SueWhite · 04/02/2011 00:20

I think it's difficult to go from just meeting someone at a toddler group or whatever to meeting up just the two of you. I would expect to have seen someone in a group (work, other friends, whatever) quite a few times before I could take the 'risk' of meeting up with them by myself. Not in a 'they might be a psycho and kill me' risk way but in a 'we might run out of conversation in 5 mins' way. I knew most of my good friends for quite a while before we started hanging out just the two of us. Some people need more time than others.

TotemPole · 04/02/2011 00:21

One woman who I used to speak to as we do the same fitness class, I suggested we meet for a coffee sometime and now she blanks me! You would think I had asked for a limb or something!

Maybe she thinks you fancy her and were suggesting a date.

pigletmania · 04/02/2011 00:30

Dont worry MrsKlo, just playing devils advocate, mabey they dont want to be friends and are just being polite taking your number.

I am like you, I like to meet new people and have done through mums and babies, dds nursery. I describe myself as being friendly, sociable, educated, dont push it if people dont want to be friends. Dont worry about this group, you cant be friends with everyone , move on and make other new friends.

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/02/2011 00:39

Don't change MsKLo. Shy people need friendly open people like you. Not everyone has the courage to suggest meeting for coffee to mums who are still virtually strangers.

You sound great by the way.

SpeedyGonzalez · 04/02/2011 00:42

"One woman who I used to speak to as we do the same fitness class, I suggested we meet for a coffee sometime and now she blanks me!" Hmm...I am trying to imagine what might be going on in this woman's mind, as well as the others you've mentioned.

Since I don't know you I'll be blunt.

You say you're chatty. Do you typically come away from conversations knowing only a little bit about the person you've been talking to? Have you been "talking to" them, or having a conversation? In short, if you're the sort of person who could talk the hind legs off a donkey I would avoid you like the plague. When I was younger I used to spend hours politely listening to such people, but now, frankly I have better things to do than stand in silence while some oaf blethers at me at 10 to the dozen, and I also find it incredibly rude.

Do you think you might fit this description? If so, there's your problem.

Morloth · 04/02/2011 00:51

I am not very friendly. I am polite and would probably say 'That sounds nice' but really don't need to know lots of people so wouldn't follow you up.

Not everyone wants or needs many friends.

pigletmania · 04/02/2011 01:10

Speedy sorry but YOU are the one that sounds rude not the op, not only that but cold and unfriendly. OK she might talk ten to the dozen, but sounds like she is the kind of lady who has a heart of gold. I know people like the op, who would do anything for you, they are would always be there if you needed them in a crisis. Personally I would rather know 10 ops than one rude person.

By the way just because a person is chatty does not mean they talk about themselves all the time, I like to find out about people, what there interests are, personality etc.

MillyR · 04/02/2011 01:13

I might not phone you after an exchange of numbers because I am: not feeling confident enough to phone you and am paranoid that you don't like me because you haven't phoned me/ am busy/ am in a bit of a low mood and can't make the effort to socialise even though I have known you for seven years/ lost the number.

pigletmania · 04/02/2011 01:15

Personally, I would only get the persons number once I have met them for sometime, and have gotten to know each other better, and if I feel that this is a person I would like to be friends with.

anonymosity · 04/02/2011 01:35

I'm with you MillyR. Done it. Or rather, not done it.

tryingtoleave · 04/02/2011 01:35

I have found that making the transition from knowing someone at a playgroup or toddler activity to meeting up with them takes quite a long time. Usually it is toward the end of a term of doing the activity or even longer and then one of us would suggest going for a coffee immediately after the activity. If that is pleasant enough we keep doing it. It is only in a few cases that I have actually clicked enough with someone to keep meeting independently of the activity. I am not generally very friendly but have been in need of friends while at home with children.

It sounds also like it might be a cultural issue. I'm australian but I found that when I was living in Britain that there seemed to be a different range of environments in which it was acceptable to be friendly from what I was used to. (Don't flame me - I found that people were just as friendly but only if you seemed to have a 'right' to know them).

Original poster

MsKLo · 04/02/2011 06:43

Ha ha totem pole! Nah I am straight and was just being friendly!

Thanks noodles and piglet - you both sound lovely too

Speedy - I am not like you describe at all - I am not the type to chat about myself loads and like to find out about others actually. You don't sound like the type of person I would ever give my number to.

I am friendly and just say if you want to meet up just let me know and leave it at that as don't want to be pushy at all but the reaction - i would think this is nice - is like I asked for blood! I have met some fab people in the past like this so maybe this has just been a run of not so friendly people!

OP posts:

Megatron · 04/02/2011 07:33

You sound lovely OP but I would only exchange numbers with someone after I'd met them a few times. Maybe I'm a bit anti-social though.

donkeyderby · 04/02/2011 07:38

There are a lot of cliques. It's quite unusual and very refreshing when someone comes along who is just straightforward and friendly and not interested in only talking to x y and z or people who look like themselves. PLU I call them - 'People Like Us'.

Keep asking and being friendly. Someone will take you up on it

onceamai · 04/02/2011 07:45

Looking back - when the DS was a baby - I worked two days a week and although people swapped numbers, I was pretty full on just fitting in what had to be fitted in and meeting up may be a couple of times a week with existing friends. I swapped many times and often didn't follow it up and remember getting a bit perplexed when they did and feeling a bit responsible - one lady in particular was quite needy and a bit odd and it put me off if I'm really honest.

Give it a bit more time and make friends with kindred spirits rather than other people who have babies - they are few and far between but worth their weight in gold. I met mine in the street!

joshandjamie · 04/02/2011 08:03

msKLo are you British? I only ask because I am not and found that my south African approach to making friends was similar to your approach and I experienced the same kind of results. All I can say is that I kept trying and did make friends in the end

pigletmania · 04/02/2011 09:31

Just keep being yourself and don't change Msklo. If they don't want to meet up and be friends with you, their loss. I would rather be friends with someone like the op; open, warm and friendly, what you see is what you get, than someone who has their own agenda, and insincere.

Quenelle · 04/02/2011 10:03

I like chatty people who talk ten to the dozen. I'm not very good at smalltalk myself but if someone else takes the lead I find it much easier.

I wish I'd come across more women like you MsKlo when I was on mat leave. I found myself in a position where I needed new friends but didn't have the confidence to approach people, and nobody approached me. By the time I'd plucked up courage and made a couple of friends it was time to return to work.

I would say you've just had a run of bad luck with these latest ones. They might be too busy to get round to meeting up, or they might think they don't need a new friend. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong and it would be a shame if you stopped being so friendly as a result. Someone you approach is going to really appreciate it.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 04/02/2011 10:27

Just yesterday I mentioned to another Mum (who is lovely) that I was looking forward to being on maternity leave as then I could go to coffee mornings at DD's nursery (which I know DD would love).

Her reply was "oh yes it's nice and you get to meet lots of other lovely Mum's". Now for lots of people this might be a good thing but it's simply NOT A PRIORITY FOR ME!!!

I know enough people, I don't want to meet other Mum's just because they are Mum's, I'm not lonely, I don't feel the need to always meet new people - I have job enough keeping up with my dear friends I have already. If I met you OP I might enjoy a chat at toddler group, but that will be enough cheers. I wouldn't want to offend or upset you, but I probably wouldn't want to meet up outside the group either.

So don't take it personally OP (unless like others have commented you're one of these people who love the sound of their own voice & prattle on & on & on about nothing). More than likely it's not because they are unfriendly - there are many other reasons. They might not have the time, they might be disorganised, they might have just been polite in the first place & like me really find the toddler meets enough contact with other 'Mums' etc etc.

Keep asking - but maybe wait until you feel a connection from both sides first, before suggesting a further meet up. You might improve your success rate.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/02/2011 10:35

I would run like the plague from someone like you OP.

It is not that I am unfriendly it is just that I cannot be arsed with meeting up for a coffee with someone I barely know. I have to talk to people all the day long at work, outside work i either want to spend my precious free time with dd, DP, other family members or my friends, or to have some peace and quiet on my own. I simply have no desire to get to know anyone else.

I know that sounds very antisocial and insular, but someone coming over blethering on would piss me off.

Mind you, my DP is like you OP - really gregarious and outgoing, talks to everyone, has loads of aquaintances and yaps away to strangers wherever we are. Drives me bloody mad.

Don't take it personally - sopme people just can't be arsed, and why should they to make youi feel better?

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