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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

67 replies

DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 19:50

I must be paranoid to some extent because I have namechanged and also I will change some details in this post (not the important ones).

I teach music at my home. One of my friend's husband wants to start learning an instrument. I said fine, but didn't hear anything for a while.

Today when I was picking up my dcs from their house, he brought it up. He just seemed really weird though. Saying stuff like, I'll come round one evening and we can 'mess around'. I just took it that he meant 'mess around on the instrument' (although that seems a weird thing to say). He also said one or two other things that I thought could be taken the wrong way, and he sort of raised his eyebrows in a way that I can't really describe.

Anyway, AIBU to be a bit concerned? I can't refuse him lessons (I get on really well with his DW and dds). Should I ask a friend to come for the first lesson as a sort of chaperone? Should I hide the friend upstairs?

Am I being paranoid? (disclaimer - I have an excuse if I am, due to my history)

Oh by the way, I am a single mum.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 03/02/2011 19:51

Can you teach him at your friends house? Just say it will be easier?

CockularDepravity · 03/02/2011 19:51

What exactly did he say? Perhaps he's not very good in social situations and the way in which he expresses himself?

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 19:53

Their piano is crap. I have to do it at my house.

I wish I could remember exactly what else he said. It was more the manner that made me flustered.

OP posts:
difficultcow · 03/02/2011 19:55

It was probably said tongue in cheek, where was his wife at this point?

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 19:57

She was around downstairs, but not in the room. Even tongue in cheek is a bit worrying. Urgh.

OP posts:
difficultcow · 03/02/2011 19:59

I would let him come purely out of curiosity :)

SuchProspects · 03/02/2011 20:01

You might be being paranoid, but it's wise to trust your feelings. Could you say you've been thinking about it and you don't really feel up to teaching adults? or that it doesn't seem wise to teach a friend because it could make the relationship odd? Offer a referral to another music teacher?

Alternatively, could you ask her along as well and have dinner with them afterward?

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 20:02

curiosity?? I'd rather not risk it. Do you think he's dodgy then?

OP posts:
CockularDepravity · 03/02/2011 20:04

You could say to him that you wish to record the session in order for him to later review his progress. This could be by video, webcam or just the audio. It's unlikely that he would try anything if he thought there was a recording of the session.

Do you have any history with him btw? Has he ever been flirty with you before?

Heroine · 03/02/2011 20:07

Well! It could be that you are nervous about it and heard inplications that weren't there OR he could be flirting a little - I say 'mess around a little' to mean 'I'm a bit crap at this, so I'm going to pretend not to tae it seriously - but that could apply to both Piano and relationships!

If he fancies you a bit OR if he is a pal OR both, flirting a bit is OK and normal and might even be fun - you just need to be aware that you might have to draw a line. If you are uncomfortable about it, keep avoiding or just say its a nice idea, but you've got enough clients, but perhaps one saturday both him and his wife can come round and you'll show them a few things..

hang on, you've got me doing it now! even that sounds sexual, sorry~! Blush but you know what I mean...

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 20:07

No, no history with him. Just generally my experiences with men have been bad (understatement of the year).

I could record it, but don't know how I'd pass that off as normal. I already teach his dcs.

I don't really know him at all. He's often away on business. I get on with his DW and dcs really well though.

OP posts:
CockularDepravity · 03/02/2011 20:09

If you're genuinely worried then say that you're unable to fit him in to your schedule. It's not worth the potential risk and the worry to go ahead with teaching him if it's going to make you paranoid and unhappy.

taintedpaint · 03/02/2011 20:16

What are your actual concerns?

YANBU to refuse him lessons in this circumstance. You do not need to make yourself uncomfortable and if I was feeling the way you are, I would probably make up an excuse and not teach him at all.

You shouldn't make yourself unhappy over this.

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 20:19

Why not arrange his lesson the same time as his childs, i.e just before or just after so that he has to come with child?

Would that not work better?

Men do mess around with instruments, but you said there was more to it.

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 21:06

I don't feel I can refuse, as I know the family and don't want any tension. Also, I agreed ages ago, but only today he brought it up again.

Unfortunately, can't tie it in with his dc's lesson.

I have a friend here now (popped round) and she's said she can be here upstairs when he's here.

I HATE the thought of anyone flirting with me. I don't find it fun at all.

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
nemofish · 03/02/2011 21:10

I would also state very clearly, in a business-like say 'ok your lesson will start at x time, we will go through y briefly, then practice z until the end of the lesson and then that will be it.'

Tbh I would be very wary that he has it in his head that you are going to have sex. Some blokes are a bit odd and imagine every woman is constantly aching for their attentions the twats

And I wouldn't hide your friend upstairs - if he attacks you, and he puts his hand over your mouth (sorry to paint a scary picture) how on earth will she know what's happening? Also by having her there, you will be making it clear that it is a MUSIC lesson.

nemofish · 03/02/2011 21:12

And of course you can refuse him - perhaps you have no more teaching slots availbale after Mrs Slocum begins piano in a fortnight. Heavens sake woman, lie!

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 21:12

thanks nemo. I admit, you are thinking what I am dreading.

OP posts:
TotorosOcarina · 03/02/2011 21:15

Invite him round and get your friend to be there and say to him, 'oh hi, xxx has just dropped in, but don't worry she'll have a glass of wine whilst we do the lesson'

TotorosOcarina · 03/02/2011 21:17

And I don't think you are being paranoid, I wouldn't be alone in my home with any man that i didn't know really well and trust.

ashamedandconfused · 03/02/2011 21:25

what about your friend, his wife? has she ever said anything to make you think he is a womaniser/has been unfaithful?

how about you invite them ALL for his first lesson - tie it in with a meal/coffee/playdate for the DC or something

zikes · 03/02/2011 21:32

My advice is to trust your instincts - if they are going 'whoop-whoop' - and it seems they are, don't get in a situation where you're alone with him.

He may be a perfectly nice guy who is socially inept, but it isn't worth the risk. Better to head off any possibility of him coming onto you.

Have a mate over, if you feel you must give him lessons. I wouldn't conceal her, just have her bumbling about in the background.

BootyMum · 03/02/2011 21:35

I think you need to trust your instinct here. If he makes you feel uncomfortable or nervous it is important to take this seriously. I mean he may have no intention of attacking you but you may be picking up on something sexual or inappropriate and it is making you feel uncomfortable - and surely this will inhibit you and affect your ability to teach him effectively.

I agree with Nemo, perhaps just say that having reviewed your current teaching schedule you have realised it will be impossible to give him the regular teaching sessions he require. And that you are sorry you are unable to help but can you instead recommend Teacher A instead as you know they are very good.

I think then you could get out of this commitment and you would not have to ruffle anyone's feathers.

bupcakesandcunting · 03/02/2011 21:37

He wants to boff you on the piano

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 21:57

Partly why I thought I'd 'hide' a friend upstairs is that then I'll find out for sure if all is going to be ok. If he knows there is another person around, he might just wait for a later opportunity.

I know the family so well. His DW will know perfectly well if I make an excuse not to teach him.

Also, could do with the money. Seems stupid to turn down a student for something that could just be paranoia.

OP posts:
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