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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

67 replies

DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 19:50

I must be paranoid to some extent because I have namechanged and also I will change some details in this post (not the important ones).

I teach music at my home. One of my friend's husband wants to start learning an instrument. I said fine, but didn't hear anything for a while.

Today when I was picking up my dcs from their house, he brought it up. He just seemed really weird though. Saying stuff like, I'll come round one evening and we can 'mess around'. I just took it that he meant 'mess around on the instrument' (although that seems a weird thing to say). He also said one or two other things that I thought could be taken the wrong way, and he sort of raised his eyebrows in a way that I can't really describe.

Anyway, AIBU to be a bit concerned? I can't refuse him lessons (I get on really well with his DW and dds). Should I ask a friend to come for the first lesson as a sort of chaperone? Should I hide the friend upstairs?

Am I being paranoid? (disclaimer - I have an excuse if I am, due to my history)

Oh by the way, I am a single mum.

OP posts:
Heroine · 03/02/2011 22:14

if you 'hide' a friend upstairs and tell him she is drinking wine whilst she waits you will blow his mind with fantasies! Bring a ruler and bang his hands hard when he makes a mistake...

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 22:17

But he wouldn't know she was there if she's hidden.

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 03/02/2011 22:20

I'm actually thinking that he said the 'mess around' thing because he's after having the lessons for free.

piprabbit · 03/02/2011 22:21

I know you've said the family's own piano is crap, but I'd still be tempted to do the first few lessons there.
Tell them the familiar environment should make it easier for him at the start - if he is making progress and happy to continue you'll start lessons at you house later.
That would buy you some time to get to know him and assess if he is genuinely interested in learning.

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 22:24

I could suggest that pip. It really is bad though. Their dcs came to my house earlier today, just for a practice on my piano! Theirs is untunable. They need a new one.

I'm pretty sure he knows he's paying paisley.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/02/2011 22:35

Go with your instincts on this one. There was another thread on MN tonight about a woman who met a dad at school, who came round for a coffee, and, well, it didn't end well.

Have the friend in another downstairs room. Have the doors open. Be business-like. If you feel uncomfortable, then stop the lesson.

NEVER, EVER worry about being paranoid. Gut instinct is a big deal.

megapixels · 03/02/2011 22:36

Why don't you arrange his lessons for just after his DCs lessons? They'll be around then so no messing about. Everyone is happy then (if it's just the lessons he's after that is).

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 23:04

Thank you.

By the way, I'm pleased to say that this is my first AIBU thread, and no one has told me IABU :) (yet)

I just hope I can be blunt. I'm too frightened of confrontation and tension within friendships for my own good. I see myself so often going along with something less than ideal, just because I don't dare speak my mind.

OP posts:
zipzap · 03/02/2011 23:53

My first reaction when I read your OP was that it could also have been he wanted to come over and mess around on the piano rather than have a proper lesson so that he didn't have to pay for it - instead it would be friends messing around together on the piano and therefore you wouldn't be charging him...

Can also see why you would interpret it your way - definitely think that being uber professional about discussing his goals and aspirations when it comes to piano playing and recording the first session to review against in the future is a brilliant idea just to keep thing on a music lesson only basis!

scottishmummy · 03/02/2011 23:57

listen to gut instinct,its your home you need to feel ok.if it sufficently alarmed you then no dont see him alone

zikes · 04/02/2011 09:17

I think the recording idea is a bit naff, tbh. Could even play into some people's fantasies!

Someone to call in if things get awkward seems the best answer to me.

RedHeels · 04/02/2011 10:06

You could call his DW and say something like: "Oh, Amber-Louise, I am so sorry but I won't be able to teach your DH, Pervy Pete! A student just enrolled who needs to practice for competition X and she will be taking up a lot of my time (or at least the time slot that suits PP so your friend is not surprised if you take on another student in the near future and not her H). I'm really sorry that it turned out like this but she is really serious about her practice (her previous teacher died or whatever) and your DH said himself he just wanted to mess around." Now, job done.

MOSP · 04/02/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MOSP · 04/02/2011 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenkit · 04/02/2011 11:15

Forgods sake Nemo get a grip.

'And I wouldn't hide your friend upstairs - if he attacks you, and he puts his hand over your mouth (sorry to paint a scary picture) how on earth will she know what's happening? Also by having her there, you will be making it clear that it is a MUSIC lesson.'

The op knows the wife and the kids, he is asking for music lessons, how does that translate into he may rape/sexually assault you??

He was probably having a bit of a laugh.

humanheart · 04/02/2011 11:33

did he say those suggestive things while his DW was there? go with your guts OP - imo this is SO important. I personally don't think any amount of money - however much needed - is worth putting yourself in a situation that makes you feel nervous and uncomfortable and could compromise your safety. but if you must go ahead then yes, make sure every single time he has a lesson that your friend is in the house. dont be on your own with him OP eh? he may well be ok but your antennae is on alert, so go with that by being sensible.

Original poster
DoINeedAChaperone · 04/02/2011 14:55

I was talking to another friend about it this morning.

I'm surprise how most people agree that it doesn't sound great. I expected to be told to stop being ridiculous.

As the family (DW and dcs) know me so well (we live nearby, we see each other a lot), I definitely can't lie about vacancies.

I think I've no choice but to go ahead and just be vigilent. The worst case scenario is unlikely statistically. Surely lightening doesn't strike a person twice very often...

If he tries it on or makes remarks that make me feel uncomfortable, I'll make absolute certain that it's unacceptable.

Hopefully, all will be fine anyway.

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 04/02/2011 15:29

DoI - Don't feel pushed into doing something you're not comfortable about or that might cause you a lot of anxiety in order to be socially graceful.

There is no shame in being nervous and acting on your gut if you are getting a weird feeling off the guy.

Do you ever teach men, alone, at your home? Because there are plenty of women who would not do that, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse.

Another possibility (if you can't see any of the ones above working) if your DCs are youngish is to have a friend come round to "babysit" while he's there. Or to work with them on a school project.

SenoritaViva · 04/02/2011 15:29

I think the fact you are aware is a good start.

Why don't you set some expectations before he starts? Like are you prepared to do X amount of practice? what are your (his) expectations etc. How is he going to practice on his (awful) piano. If he says oh I'll just come over to you then you need to say 'actually, it's Ok for the kids but I have such little time/evening to myself then I wouldn't be too keen on that'). Or if you come over to practice bring the children and DW then we can hang out etc.

Make sure you are utterly business like/professional (as I'm sure you are), don't wear any clothes that could be interpreted as revealing (shirt top button done up please!)

I like your friend being around, but don't hide her, she can relax in the kitchen. Or, if you do it on a night with your children in the home she can be there to 'keep an eye on them'.

Heroine · 10/02/2011 09:35

Again we have this irrational fear that all men are dangerous in some way - I really hate that view its so negative and dangerous for our children to believe that.

Heroine · 10/02/2011 09:37

fyi I booked a pedicure for DH a couple of years ago and when he turned up he was treated as a sex pervert he was told 'we don't do men' Shock

BlardyKnackered · 10/02/2011 09:47

I am inclined to go with your instincts too on this one. Just because you know the wife and kids does not mean anything... plenty of people know the families of those who might not be wholly savoury.

Having your friend there hidden for the first lesson is a great idea... then you can guage how he is. If he DOES start being strange, then stuff your friendship with the wife. Say you are not teaching him. Some people rely on people who are unable to stanhd up for themselves to get away with things.

BlardyKnackered · 10/02/2011 09:49

Heroine... I do not think all men are dangerous, and I hate that negative view too. But the OPs instincts are very strong in this case and she is clearly feeling anxiety. I think that has to be taken into account.

My Dh will be a SAHD..... and I had a colleague express to me that she found that 'strange' and I should be 'careful' as what sort of man wants to be a SAHD. So, I am extremely leery of the negative view of men. But in this case... bells are ringing.

Plumm · 10/02/2011 10:05

Do you normally teach adults? If not you could use that as an excuse.

Bubblerapped · 10/02/2011 10:39

There is nothing unusual about men wanting to learn to play a musical instrument, and his fnarr fnarr comments about "messing about" could very well be just him being silly...and absolutely not meant to be taken seriously in any way.

I would have thought any family serious about learning the piano would have sorted their home piano out, as it is pointless to pay for lessons if you cant practice.