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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

67 replies

DoINeedAChaperone · 03/02/2011 19:50

I must be paranoid to some extent because I have namechanged and also I will change some details in this post (not the important ones).

I teach music at my home. One of my friend's husband wants to start learning an instrument. I said fine, but didn't hear anything for a while.

Today when I was picking up my dcs from their house, he brought it up. He just seemed really weird though. Saying stuff like, I'll come round one evening and we can 'mess around'. I just took it that he meant 'mess around on the instrument' (although that seems a weird thing to say). He also said one or two other things that I thought could be taken the wrong way, and he sort of raised his eyebrows in a way that I can't really describe.

Anyway, AIBU to be a bit concerned? I can't refuse him lessons (I get on really well with his DW and dds). Should I ask a friend to come for the first lesson as a sort of chaperone? Should I hide the friend upstairs?

Am I being paranoid? (disclaimer - I have an excuse if I am, due to my history)

Oh by the way, I am a single mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoINeedAChaperone · 10/02/2011 10:51

Hiya,

This thread seems to have risen from the dead, so I thought I'd clarify.

I am absolutely not anti men. In fact, I have often spent the day with a SAHD we know, whose children get on well with mine. I get no weird vibes from him at all.

Just this particular person made me feel a little awkward with his comments and body language. Also, I don't really know him. I just am wary of having a man in my home in a situation where I am totally vulnerable.

I know in my head that it would probably be fine (which is why I will teach him, but with a friend here). However, we are all a product of our personal history, and my instincts are probably on overdrive because of events in the past.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoINeedAChaperone · 10/02/2011 12:41

Oh, and he hasn't even got back to me yet to arrange a mutually convenient time. I'll just wait and see if he does.

OP posts:

zikes · 10/02/2011 12:49

I don't think you need to clarify that it's not an anti-man-in-general sentiment, it just isn't.

You get a weird feeling about someone's intentions or a feeling a guy might come on to you in appropriately, it's perfectly reasonable to take steps to avoid that situation arising.

It's very specific.

homeboys · 10/02/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Diamondback · 10/02/2011 13:47

Trust your instincts - most of the time we know when someone's a bit dodgy, but we overrule this instinct because we want to be nice and polite.

Don't hide your friend upstairs, but maybe say that she also has a lesson right after his, or has popped round for dinner/a drink, so of course he won't mind if she's in the kitchen?

Heroine · 11/02/2011 00:21

Oh for fuck's sake, can we all just remember that we are english (mostly) and are afraid even if someone leans in to hug us when we meant no contact that's hardly the basis for a sensibly developed spider sense is it?!

Original poster

DoINeedAChaperone · 11/02/2011 09:47

Don't really understand your post heroine.

You sound quite aggressive in your tone though. Hope you are ok.

OP posts:

BuzzLiteBeer · 11/02/2011 10:44

I don't think heroin has bothered to read your posts OP. Some people are more sensitive to this kind of thing for good reason.
YANBU. Mind yourself.

PomBearEnvy · 11/02/2011 11:06

Trust your instincts! It doesn't matter if you think you are over reacting, if you want to have someone else there (hidden or not) to make you feel safe then do it!

I had the same nervy feeling about a workman doing some repairs in our house years ago. There was nothing specifically worrying about him, or his behaviour. He just gave me the creeps and I couldn't bare being in the same room alone as him.

My DH thought I was nuts, as this guy was a reputable and well known plumber in the area.

Three years later he was in the papers, he was charged with a serious sexual assault on a female customer and ending up doing time!

SuchProspects · 11/02/2011 12:56

I get that we can be paranoid, and there are plenty of examples of how unfounded prejudice leads to groups of people giving "normal" people the creeps when they are no more a risk than anyone else. But I with the history the OP has alluded to the priority is her feeling comfortable, regardless of the fairness of the situation or the reality of the risk.

Original poster

DoINeedAChaperone · 19/02/2011 22:54

Hi, just an update to say that he's coming on Monday evening. I need to find a friend to be here at the time. Hope someone is free...

OP posts:

poochela · 19/02/2011 23:07

make sure someone IS free then, trust your instincts.

YANB Paranoid.

Come back after and let us all know that you're OK please. x

RevoltingPeasant · 19/02/2011 23:46

DoI,

Just stumbled across this: I don't know if this is feasible but is there any way you could do joint lessons for him?

My mum tutors privately and for people who are not that serious, she does paired lessons where it is a bit social and more fun. Dunno if this would work with a musical instrument but I know I was taught cello as part of a pair so maybe?

You could propose it to him; would also make it cheaper for him....

Original poster

DoINeedAChaperone · 21/02/2011 21:01

Just wanted to report that it was fine. Mind you, the house was full of children (theirs and mine) as well as my friend.

Still feel slightly uneasy, but I think that's just personal residue of experiences.

He definitely concentrated on his lesson, and seemed to be keen.

Thanks for your messages.

OP posts:

tb · 22/02/2011 01:14

Glad it went ok - however, I would still keep your radar turned on. After all, you could quite reasonably say that you don't think - from a professional pov, that you aren't the right person to teach him.

After all, it's the same in any field - I knew a counsellor that said she wouldn't counsel anyone she felt she wouldn't want to hug. She was very professional, she worked from home, that's just the way she drew her own line.

My only piano teacher (lessons at school) used to bring down her hand very heavily on my shoulder when I made a mistake when playing. It's very difficult to play with your shoulders three feet above your ears.

Otoh, my organ teacher was lovely. My lessons used to last 2-3 hours in the evening, were in a church that sat 500, on the edge of a golf course in a road of large houses and the outside door was locked. I never felt in the least bit unconfortable with him.

I think after 2 or 3 lessons you could always say that you don't think that you are the teacher for him. Perfectly fair, you could say it was to do an assessment as you want to be sure you are the right teacher for him iyswim.

warthog · 22/02/2011 01:31

trust your instincts.

glad it went well but don't feel bad about stopping teaching him if things go a bit wierd.

Underachieving · 22/02/2011 01:52

There's a lot being unsaid here and pussyfooting round it isn't helping so I'm going to say it directly.

If the aftermath of the first time you were raped is affecting how you see situations with men now then you should consider some support. There is nothing to be gained in toughing it out but more fear and distance from others than you would have by addressing it. You've had enough fear and distance, it's time to live.

It could be that this man is a bad person, yes it could. Lightning does strike twice for some people. How likely is it though? That's something you do not feel able to confidently assess because you're not sure how much of what you're feeling is your own judegment and how much is aftermath of the first rape. Although we can have a guess none of us can tell you what the truth is. The truth is almost irrelvant actually.

If you're frightened of him them do get a chaperone, but also do address how you feel because you're worth more than spending the rest of your life second guessing your decisions and living in the shadow of the rapist who hurt you.

Rape Crisis is a good place to start:
for London
for the rest of England and Wales
for Scotland
for Ireland.

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