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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmothers Dog

76 replies

smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:02

My Mum has a LARGE rescue dog with behavioral problems. It especially becomes anxious around children growling and snapping when they go near it.

I have dd's 6 & 4 who like the dog and talk about it, but they are also very frightend of it, and other dogs as a result.

My Mum has very kindly and generously agreed to have her gd's for a week so that my DH and I can go away together for a much needed break and to celebrate 10 yrs together and a big birthday.

My Mum agreed to have the dog go and stay with friends down the road who she has a reciprocal dog sitting arrangement. She knows that my DH and I are not happy about her looking after the children with the dog. However, in a conversation today when I tried to confirm that the dog was staying away the whole time my Mum announced that she thought it would be 'ad hoc', ie. she would have the dog at home a bit with my dd's. I told her I was really unhappy about this and that I felt it was irresponsible, I admit perhaps not the right word to use but it was how I felt Confused She then resentfully said that she would have it stay with the neighbours all week. We ended up arguing, she put the phone down on me.

AIBU to be upset that she is contemplating having the dog at home with my young girls when she knows that they are scared and that the dog snaps? I am really grateful that she is helping us out but I can not compromise on safety and I do not trust the dog.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 03/02/2011 17:05

YANBU...it's different if you're visiting and you are there to keep a close eye, but your Mum is going to have to leave the room etc and I personally wouldn't want my kids aroun a dog like that.

DooinMeCleanin · 03/02/2011 17:06

Imo it would depend very much on how vigilant your mum is with supervising the dog and children and how and why the dog growls. I can't see why it would be snapping unless the children are continuing to approach it when it has already warned them away.

I certainly wouldn't dismiss the idea straight away, but I'd have to put a lot of thought into how much I could trust my mum with the dog and my dc not to tease or scare the dog.

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 17:07

I can understand why you would be concerned, and you do need to know that the dog won't be there.

However, is it not possible your mother might now change her mind and not have the children at all?

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:10

My mum has a tendancy to get distracted and the dog follows her around as do the children so there are a lot of opportunities for it to snap.

Yes Fabbychic I guess there is chance she won't have them now.

I guess I feel hurt that 0she would prioritise the dog over her gd's...she is a classic animal crazy person!

OP posts:
Al1son · 03/02/2011 17:11

YA so NBU!

If she makes a misjudgement the results could be disastrous.

You need to have a calm conversation with her and say that you trust her but you do not trust her dog. You don't want to cause offence but you know that you would never be able to relax if you know that your DDs were going to be with the dog.

Snapping is a warning. If the girls don't heed that warning the dog may take things to the next level.

I can't imagine it being very fair on the dog either to have him in the house with two children if they make him anxious.

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:11

To me it's a plain and simple saftey issue and why would you want to take the risk?...Confused

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 03/02/2011 17:16

I wouldn't think it's a case of the dog being more important to her, than she cannot believe her dog would hurt the children.

If you don't think she can be watchful enough then YANBU.

My mum had a large dog who was untrustworthy with children, but I still left my dc with her. I knew I could trust her to watch the dog and I knew I could trust my dc to give the dog his space.

In any attack cases that have been on the news it's always the relatives dog and not the family pet who has snapped - most likely due to lack of proper socialisation with children and lack of proper supervision. Could you point this out to your mum?

saffy85 · 03/02/2011 17:20

YANBU this sounds like an upsetting newspaper headline waiting to happen. I wouldn't leave my DC in this situation, no way.

Anyway if the dog doesn't like the DC anyway and is now going to get turfed out of his own home on an "ad hoc" basis while your DC are, there that will rile it even more, wont it?

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:21

She will get distracted and she knows that the dog has a particular problem with children.... she talks about 'children traumatising the dog and being responsible for it's behaviour"...this worries me slightly!

OP posts:
saffy85 · 03/02/2011 17:28

That is a worrying attitude! They are only young so unless they are actually deliberately hurting the dog then no, they are NOT responsible for the dog's behaviour! I don't the dog is traumatised by something but I'm a bit Hmm that your mum thinks it's something your DC have done.

As my great aunt used to say in a haughty voice "there is no such thing as a bad dawwg darling. Just bad owners!" Your mum should be taking responsibility for her dog's behaviour, not blaming other people.

Camelscantdance · 03/02/2011 17:28

Would you relax aan go away happy in this situation? Some dogs dont need to be antagonised to bite.Someone said,she may change her mind.TBH if i was you,under the circumstances,rather she did!!

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 17:30

Yanbu. But you'd now be very unreasonable to go ahead as planned. Cancel it, rather than put your children in danger.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/02/2011 17:44

No, I understand your concerns and I agree with them.

The solution is to not have her look after your children.

That puts you out, but so be it.

Vallhala · 03/02/2011 17:56

Yet again today I agree with Dooin. Much would depemd on why the dog acted as it did, how the children approach the dog, how Grandma deals with it and supervises etc.

If Grandma isn't prepared to move her dog out to care for your children your plans and the money spent so far will have to go down the plughole unless you can find alternative suitable childcare. That would miff me a bit as she is now moving the goalposts from the originally agreed plan. That said, it's her home, her dog and you who wants the favour so it's not one where you can dictate the rules really I'm afraid.

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 18:07

She did do a U turn and agreed to send it to her friends for the week but in a very over emotional and begrudging way.

Vallhala I'm not trying to dictate anything, my mother offered the help and agreed to have the dog stay away but then went back on that...my main problem is that they are her precious grandchildren and isn't their safety the most important thing in all of this rather then the feelings of (an obviously aggressive and anxious) dog???! Confused

I should add to this that we live far away so the dog/children do not know eachother well and my mum doesn't get to see my dd's as much as she would like.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 03/02/2011 18:13

I wasn't saying that you were trying to dictate the rules, smallisland, but merely remarking that it;s unfortunate that under the circumstances you can't. Sorry if my phrase came over the wrong way.

As I said I would be miffed too because Grandma had gone back on the agreement and changed the plan. I just don't see that there is much that you can do if she won't agree to send her dog elsewhere for the whole time and you are not happy with him staying there. apart from cancelling your break sadly.

Vallhala · 03/02/2011 18:15

Oh bugger, sorry again... I've got a pile of paperwork, 2 DDS demanding attention, music blaring and I missed the fact that Grandma did a U turn. Blush

There's a result for you, great stuff.

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 18:16

Ugh...I think it does look like I need to consider cancelling our trip but I know that will cause another big drama because she will feel that I don't trust her and also she has been looking forward to having them....Sad I need to sleep on it and let things cool off but there's no way they will under same roof as the dog whatever happens...

OP posts:
Underachieving · 03/02/2011 18:32

I really think it's just a plain safety issue. It's up to her what she does with her own dog but she does need to be clear to you about what environment you're sending the girls into. Ultimately you are the one who takes or avoids risks for your daughters and you can't make those decisions if she's not going to be up-front about things and stick to that.

That she talks about children being responsible for traumtising the dog is very scary to me. It suggests to me that she see's responsibility for any incident as all being with your kids, not her hound. I very seriously doubt the rescue centre would have let this dog go to any home with children in.

The thing is dogs don't think exactly the same way as people. They see threat in things people do not see threat in. For example in children making loud noises, like crying when they fall over. See the problem? Your mum might be under the impression she can predict her dogs behaviour but no animal behaviourist would be so dippy.

Don't send the kids there without you. Are there any parents you can sort a reciprocal baby-sitting arrangement out with instead?

MrsCuldesac · 03/02/2011 18:34

We've got an aunt with a similar attitude towards her rescue dog. On our visits with DD in tow, the dog would growl and "go" for her. Cue auntie to "tut" put the dog in the kitchen. Then 5 mins later the dog is let back into the room and growls, goes for DD again. Repeat til thoroughly stressed and leave to go home. I then vetoed any further visits with DD. I'd not be able to relax on the trip if I were OP - I'd be imagining Grandma would do something daft like get the dog back from the friends' house, in an attempt to prove it could behave itself and make friends with the girls while the parents were out of sight. The dog is untrustworthy and Grandma cannot guarantee she will keep your DDs safe from the dog - unless it is not EVER in the same house as them.

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 18:39

"I guess I feel hurt that she would prioritise the dog over her gd's...she is a classic animal crazy person!"

If I were your mum and happened to see this comment, I'd tell you to make alternative arrangements anyway!

How rude.

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 18:41

Can you not offer to pay for dog kennels whilst your children are their?

CalamityKate · 03/02/2011 18:45

What's wrong with "Classic animal crazy person"??

I'm one and happy to admit it!

SoupDragon · 03/02/2011 18:49

Leaving the dog issue aside, I do think you're going to need to do some serious sucking up to wipe out the "irresponsible" comment!

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 18:51

CalamityKate, I'm with you!

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