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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandmothers Dog

76 replies

smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:02

My Mum has a LARGE rescue dog with behavioral problems. It especially becomes anxious around children growling and snapping when they go near it.

I have dd's 6 & 4 who like the dog and talk about it, but they are also very frightend of it, and other dogs as a result.

My Mum has very kindly and generously agreed to have her gd's for a week so that my DH and I can go away together for a much needed break and to celebrate 10 yrs together and a big birthday.

My Mum agreed to have the dog go and stay with friends down the road who she has a reciprocal dog sitting arrangement. She knows that my DH and I are not happy about her looking after the children with the dog. However, in a conversation today when I tried to confirm that the dog was staying away the whole time my Mum announced that she thought it would be 'ad hoc', ie. she would have the dog at home a bit with my dd's. I told her I was really unhappy about this and that I felt it was irresponsible, I admit perhaps not the right word to use but it was how I felt She then resentfully said that she would have it stay with the neighbours all week. We ended up arguing, she put the phone down on me.

AIBU to be upset that she is contemplating having the dog at home with my young girls when she knows that they are scared and that the dog snaps? I am really grateful that she is helping us out but I can not compromise on safety and I do not trust the dog.

OP posts:

Original poster

smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:53

Yes thanks for spotting that Aims80

All the big UK rescue dog organisations have a policy not to rehome to people with small children because it is irresponsible and dangerous to do so...they have their reputations and legal responsibilities to consider...go and do some googling...

Also look up Anthropomorphism....

OP posts:

chickchickchicken · 03/02/2011 19:56

strange..we rehomed from Dogs Trust

zukiecat · 03/02/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 20:03

While I can understand your concerns, (I can see why you wouldn't want your children staying in the same house as the dog), I think maybe you are being unreasonable, really.

It's unfair of you to tell your mum she's irresponsible and she is probably torn between having the GC or her dog.

If you were my daughter, I'd keep the dog at home and tell you to make other arrangements

MothershipG · 03/02/2011 20:03

After you have both slept on it why don't you call your Mum tomorrow, mend fences and play up your concern about the dog's feelings? After all as you said...

"ps. I feel just as sorry for the dog, it clearly doesn't like being around children!"

Absolutely don't mention that you think she is putting the dog above the kids' safety but do say that you really won't be able to enjoy your trip if you are worrying about an "accident".

If you do decide to go ahead make sure that your DC are well versed in Dog signals, remember many small children interpret a dog showing teeth as a smile. - Just in case!

Original poster

smallisland · 03/02/2011 20:07

IHateLivingHere like I said...some people just place more importance on animals than people...if you think that it is normal for a grandmother to be torn between her dog and her grandchildren I would say that was, well, weird!

Look up Anthropomorphism...

OP posts:

elastamum · 03/02/2011 20:08

I dont think it is unreasonable to not want the children and the dog together. Your mother also need to think about how she would feel if the dog did bite one of your children.

Now I am a crazy animal person, with 3 huge labradoodles, but if we have my Ds's friends round I shut them downstairs as even though they are really friendly and loving, a lot of kids who arent used to dogs are simply overwhelmed by their sheer size.

Now I know my dogs wouldnt hurt anyone but for me its just not worth the risk of upsetting a child. Usually by the time the kids go home they are cuddling them, but I always supervise other peoples children around my dogs.

zukiecat · 03/02/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underachieving · 03/02/2011 20:15

Whether or not a given rescue centre will rehome to famillies with kids under 5 as a blanket policy or not I think it's pretty clear no one with an ounce of common sense would have sent THIS SPECIFIC dog to a home with kids.

It was traumtised by kids. It hates kids. It communicates this by snarling at them persistantly. Any rescue centre that would send THIS dog into a home with children around ought to be shut down for cruelty to dogs, nevermind the risk to the little girls too!

immortalbeloved · 03/02/2011 20:19

Another one here who rehomed a dog from dog's trust when my youngest was one.....but that aside

I would also not be happy to leave my children in the circumstances you describe. I don't think your mum is prioritising the dog over her gc, she just believes (rightly or wrongly) that the dog won't hurt the children, she doesn't think she's putting them at risk so she therefore doesn't see it as being irresonsible. You obviously do and as I said, I would agree.

I think that the only solution here is to not send them, despite your dm changing her mind she obviously doesn't see the problem with having the dog near the children so she could quite easily have the dog back to 'visit' or the friend could ask to drop the dog round early, or the friend could have something come up leaving her incapable of looking after the dog, and your dm might decide that it's ok to have the dog and the children together. I really think you wouldn't be able to relax if you left them

MotherJack · 03/02/2011 20:24

"All the big UK rescue dog organisations have a policy not to rehome to people with small children because it is irresponsible and dangerous to do so"

I disagree, smallisland - it's because it's an lazy cover-all. Small rescues assess individual circumstances, including the dog's history, temperament, whether the child has lived with another dog all their life, which also shows the prospective owners have also had a dog for a certain amount of time and have shown their children how to live around dogs and what is and what is not acceptable behaviour... etc etc.

That said, I wouldn't blame you one jot for not leaving your DC's if you don't think you mother would be watchful enough around her dog.

MotherJack · 03/02/2011 20:25

Whoops - editing error - *a lazy coverall

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 20:26

Id recommend a Westie when you consider getting a dog. Mine is loving and playful from time to time, then he just kips. Needs no looking after and loves everybody. Couldn't tie him up outside a shop as if someone wanted to take him he would go.

Vallhala · 03/02/2011 20:29

""We plan to get a dog when my dd's are a bit older, but not likely to be a rescue dog as I know how common it is that they have behavioural problems" - OP

Are you sure you worked at the Dogs Trust?" - IHateL:ivingHere

Dunno if she is, but I'm far from convinced, IHateLivingHere! And if she did she knows fuck all about rescue dogs or she'd know that it is NOT common for rescues to have behavioural problems and it's NOT irresponsible and dangerous for rescue to rehome to families with small children :o

I hope it wasn't me who the OP was telling to Google rescue policy... I am a bloody rescuer! The nation doesn't revolve arounf the RSPCA and DT and if did the country's dogs would be deeply in the shit. They are by far from the only rescues and independent rescue will very often have no policy on young children but judge on a case by case basis.

lesley33 · 03/02/2011 20:34

I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

I don't necessarily think your mum is putting her dog before her GDS. I love dogs, but unfortunately some owners seem to take any wariness or concerns about their dog as a personal criticism. She may also think you are over reacting. But I don't think you are.

Original poster

smallisland · 03/02/2011 20:44

Thanks all for your thoughts...I know where I stand and will be staying on this IANBU..it was good to have the debate

Vallhala and IHateLivingHere ... your comments concern me and I find them a bit sad but hey...

Goodnight!

OP posts:

Vallhala · 03/02/2011 20:50

Sorry smallisland - you have been unlucky enough to try and quote bogus rescue policy and bullshit innacuracies about rescue dogs to someone for whom rescue is her life's work.

Can't see why the hell anything I say would "concern" you though.

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 20:59

Smallisland, if I were your mother, I would only be telling you to make other arrangements because you had called me irresponsible and had assumed that you knew what I should want better than I did myself.

I would not put my dogs before my GC, but I would be annoyed at being told how I should act/feel, by my selfish grown up daughter! Sorry if you are upset and have flounced off in a huff, but there it is......

Casserole · 03/02/2011 21:16

Um. It might well be the truth for where the OP lives. We tried 6 rescue centres within 25 miles of us when we were dog hunting and none of them would consider us due to our (then) 1 year old. Some of those were nationals and some locals. We ended up acquiring our lovely dog through a private arrangement in the end - and she is lovely, and lovely with kids - but I would much have preferred to do it through a centre where the dog had been through assessment etc.

Anyway. In THIS instance, I don't think you're BU about this particular dog, OP. It clearly finds dealing with children stressful and I think the kindest thing would be for your Mum to arrange alternative care. If she is now willing to do that, then great - otherwise I'd probably be rethinking your break. Which is not fair of her to move the goalposts like that and I wouldn't be happy either!

Hope you get it sorted.

northerngirl41 · 03/02/2011 21:34

It's the dog's home - turfing it out to the neighbours house will make it even more anxious and territorial and likely to snap. Your mum should absolutely be allowed to keep the dog at home since you are imposing the kids on her.

Couple of suggestions:

Is your mum's house big enough to keep the dog where it would usually be (e.g. kitchen/sitting room) and the kids just aren't allowed in there?
How well would your kids understand that they mustn't go near the dog? Can you tell them to make sure they aren't in the same room as the dog?

Casserole · 03/02/2011 21:38

Hang on a minute Northerngirl - the OP had already agreed with her Mum that the dog would not be there. If her Mum wasn't prepared to do that then she should have said so from the beginning, not change the agreement when then OP has already booked her break, surely?

Plus the OP said that the dog is going to neighbours with whom her Mum already has a reciprocal dog sitting agreement. So it's not being turfed out to strangers or to somewhere that it isn't used to going.

glammanana · 03/02/2011 21:52

I am a "Classical animal crazy person" also
but I would not have my DGCs or my daughter
upset by a dog they are unsure of,how many times have we heard terrible stories re dogs
that "would not hurt a fly" and little ones
being hurt,if mum has decided to keep dog at her friends all well and good but otherwise
it would be a no no

northerngirl41 · 03/02/2011 22:38

I see what you're saying Casserole, and yes I totally agree that her mother should have spoken up sooner about her plans.

But knowing her mother is a crazy dog lady, how truthfully did she expect that to be stuck to? Because really as an animal person myself, I'd not be locking up or rehoming my pets for anyone (yes, even for my children).

Because I made a commitment to have the pets which I regard every bit as serious as the commitment that I made to my husband when we got married or my children when they were born - you can't just send them packing when it doesn't suit you. (This probably makes me a crazy dog lady too - totally okay with that! And yes, my poor long suffering husband had to take on my menagerie when he married me - that was the package deal!)

The fact is ALL animals have the potential to become dangerous. And if you are going to have them, you have to accept a little bit of the wild into your home and the risk associated with that. There's certain things you can do to minimise the risk, but no animal is bombproof under extreme provocation.

softglowsandmaybes · 03/02/2011 22:41

Only read the OP, please please please do not leave your children with your mum if there is any chance the dog will be there. I am an ex vet nurse and im a dog lover, who used to own rotweillers. Dogs are on the whole, brilliant with children, but generally need watching with other peoples children. Other peoples children in their own territory is a tragedy waiting to happen. The dog has an unknown past, anxious with children - Was always wary of anxious dogs, a bold friendly self assured dog is far less likely to bite, but an anxious biter is common. Its not worth the risk.

I would suggest offering to pay to put the dog in kennels or to have him stay with a dogsitter whilst you go away. I just couldnt risk it.

My mum has a big old dog, an old softie but not used to children, he can be a bit OTT, there is no way i would allow my DD to be there with him, especially if i am not there.

softglowsandmaybes · 03/02/2011 22:44

I dont want to be alarmist, but in most of the incidents in the news about dogs attacking children that i recall, the dogs have always belong to a family member other than the parents. NOT WORTH THE RISK!! the dog will be much happier with a dog sitter anyway.

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