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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmothers Dog

76 replies

smallisland · 03/02/2011 17:02

My Mum has a LARGE rescue dog with behavioral problems. It especially becomes anxious around children growling and snapping when they go near it.

I have dd's 6 & 4 who like the dog and talk about it, but they are also very frightend of it, and other dogs as a result.

My Mum has very kindly and generously agreed to have her gd's for a week so that my DH and I can go away together for a much needed break and to celebrate 10 yrs together and a big birthday.

My Mum agreed to have the dog go and stay with friends down the road who she has a reciprocal dog sitting arrangement. She knows that my DH and I are not happy about her looking after the children with the dog. However, in a conversation today when I tried to confirm that the dog was staying away the whole time my Mum announced that she thought it would be 'ad hoc', ie. she would have the dog at home a bit with my dd's. I told her I was really unhappy about this and that I felt it was irresponsible, I admit perhaps not the right word to use but it was how I felt Confused She then resentfully said that she would have it stay with the neighbours all week. We ended up arguing, she put the phone down on me.

AIBU to be upset that she is contemplating having the dog at home with my young girls when she knows that they are scared and that the dog snaps? I am really grateful that she is helping us out but I can not compromise on safety and I do not trust the dog.

OP posts:
chickchickchicken · 03/02/2011 18:56

Ihatelivinghere - i agree with you

The only time I have removed my dogs from the house was when a friend visited with her severely autistic non verbal child who couldnt cope with dogs on top of the long journey.

At 6 and 4 i would expect kids to be taught how to behave safely around dogs.

Would also expect adults to supervise an unsafe dog but would not expect them to turf dog out of their own home

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:03

Underachieving and MrsCuldesac you understand completely my fears, thanks for the reassurance. Having spoken to my DH I am sure that my motherly instincts are unfortunately right and IANBU

For all those offended by my 'crazy animal people' comment, it was not meant to upset. I was just trying to describe the mindset of someone who sees animals as of equal importance to humans, including little children, and will overlook potential issues with safety/attacking/killing as a result, I'm sure that this does not include those on this thread but it does seem to be, in my opinion, a distinctly British trait....

Soup Dragon, if you have little ones and found yourself in this situation 'irresponsible' could well be one of the first words that sprang to your mind...if you beg to differ then... Biscuit

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/02/2011 19:09

No, I would not accuse my mother of doing something irresponsible if I then expected her to look after my children. I think that was incredibly insulting. Even you said it perhaps was not the right word to use. Anyway, I was simply being lighthearted but clearly you just want to take offence.

OldMumsy · 03/02/2011 19:11

With you Smallisland. Your childrens safely is far more important than a dog and upsetting your Mum. I know exactly the sort of mindset you are referring to re the 'crazy animal people' comment, the sort of people who would blame you if their dog bit you. It happened to me once too and I was gobsmacked that anyone could think that way, but they do. I think they transfer their maternal feelings onto the animal and it makes them blind to reason.

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 19:14

So, basically, you're calling your mum an idiot? That's how I see it.

You're saying she "will overlook potential issues with safety/attacking/killing"?

I have two rescue dogs, (spaniels), one of whom growls at children when they come near him. He is not a killer, he just doesn't feel comfortable with children.

However, we got him when my daughter was 8 and he has never once growled at her. When my friend came to stay, with her 4 yr old DS, I did put the dogs in kennels - but more for their safety, because her DS had never had a dog of his own, and therefore couldn't be expected to behave appropriately.

As suggested upthread, maybe you could pay for the dog to go into kennels so that he does not feel threatened by your DC?

chickchickchicken · 03/02/2011 19:14

cannot understand why people post in AIBU when they only want to listen to people who agree with them and take offence with those who dont Confused
but then im just a crazy animal person Grin

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 03/02/2011 19:14

With regards to your OP, then YANBU, but I don't really like your comment;
"I guess I feel hurt that she would prioritise the dog over her gd's...she is a classic animal crazy person!" Hmm

I am an animal crazy person but I wouldn't have small children near an unpredictable animal. OTOH I don't think she's necessarily prioritising the dog in her eyes, she probably just can't comprehend that her dog would hurt her DGC.

Personally I wouldn't have my DD staying in a house with a large dog which has a problem/anxiety around children, nor would I have children to stay if I had such a dog. I agree that your DM shouldn't have moved the goalposts. Can you make other arrangements for your children?

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 19:15

I also toss your biscuit over my shoulder!! Biscuit

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 03/02/2011 19:18

Wow, seeing your subsequent posts, you are clearly in the paranoid dog-hating camp and were looking for validation rather than advice. Your attitude makes me wonder quite how accurate your portrayal of the dog is, and whether it actually has 'snapped' or whether it's just growled at them. Hmm

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:18

Yes OldMumsy, it is exactly that transference of maternal feelings in return for unconditional love that is both the issue and the problem...

Having looked up some rescue dog sites, they all state that rescue dogs should never be given to homes where there are children under 5yrs....as my Mums dog is not properly socialised around children and visa versa it is a potentially dangerous situation...it's just such a shame to have to persuade your own Mum that this is the case! Sad....but I guess animals really are just more important to some people, even more so than their own children or grandchildren....

OP posts:
Underachieving · 03/02/2011 19:21

But it's not that the OP expects the dog to be turfed out of it's own home at all chickchickchicken. It's that her mother agreed to remove the unsafe animal then just kind of shifted everything to the left a bit and said it'd be "ad hoc". That's not fair and honest. All the OP needed was to be able to take her mothers word at face value. As I understand it the OP never said the dog should be kicked out, more that Grandma should get her priorities straight and stick to them.

You seem to be viewing the dog as some sort of large-furby in that you seem to think it only responds to stimulae in a robotic manner. Ie if the children behave so will it. That's completely patronising to the dog, it is an independant being with it's own thoughts and what it has clearly shown is that it thinks children aren't pleasant creatures. Credit it with the intellect to think for itself. Then having credited it with that intellect look at it from it's ownn dog POV. If you had 2 loud, messy, fast-moving creatures thrust on your home/loved ones that you did not like, would you last a week without at the very least telling them to get lost? What on Earth makes you think the dog will behave more humanely than a human? It's going to behave like a dog in that when it's had enough of the children doing essential child things like making noise (talking/crying), getting attentionn (hugging Grandma), eating food (the kids don't even live here will be the dogs way of seeing teatime), then it's going to tell them to get lost. Actually it already is telling them to get lost by snarling at them, the thing is they're not obeying, they are still at Grannies. So do you really think that this dog is going to put up with them for a week solid and as long as long as the grandkids don't whack it with a stick they'll be fine? Really?

This dog deserves enough respect to be credited with a mind of it's own and to be listened to. He/she is clearly saying "I don't like the houseguests and I want them gone".

The dog is a high bite-risk. The children aren't going to be able to remove that risk by just being good kids. The dog sees essential child behaviours like merely eating or hugging Granny as a threat.

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:24

I should also add that I used to work for the 'Dogs Trust' so I know a little bit about all this...it's interesting to hear everyones comments...pro-potentially dangerous situations and not...

I am agreeing with all those agreeing with me because I firmly believe hat IANBU in putting my children's safety first over hurting my Mums feelings about her anxious dog...

if thats paranoia then thats fine with me...Smile

ps. I feel just as sorry for the dog, it clearly doesn't like being around children!

OP posts:
chickchickchicken · 03/02/2011 19:28

sorry but if you think that your mum is 'transferring maternal feelings'...well may be understandable as her own daughter tells her she is 'irresponsible, crazy and will overlook potential issues with safety/attacking/killing'

It is your right to make your own choices but please respect she has this right too

btw i have rescue dogs and used to be a foster carer - and it is absolutely not true that rescues dont rehome to families with under 5s. I ensured dogs had thorough assessment before rehoming them. My own ds was only 4 when we had first dog and foster chld was 3

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:33

Chickchickchicken, you need to reread my posting, I think you misunderstand this thread...Bear

OP posts:
PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 03/02/2011 19:36

You worked for the Dogs' Trust?????? I find that incredibly unlikely.

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 19:39

You clearly have some kind of gut instinct that the dog is a danger. Trust that, OP.

chicken what on earth are you talking about? The grandmother has no right whatsoever to have her grandchildren in the same house as her grandchildren. If she refuses to acknowledge the potential danger and do something about it, then she forfeits the 'right' to have the grandchildren there.

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 19:39

woops typed too fast. should say 'in the same house as this dog'

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 03/02/2011 19:40

I also don't think it's reasonable to expect a 4 and 6 year old to remember how to behave around a dog for a long period of time. Children are very easily distracted at that age and I don't think it would be fair on them or the dog to expect that level of responsibility.

Some dogs aren't good round children, they are unnerved by children because their movements tend to be quicker and jerkier and their voices shriller. It's just one of those facts of life that has to be accepted.

I'm a dog lover and I would not want my children around this dog. As your mum offered to have the children and had stated that the dog would be staying with friends for the duration of the childrens stay she is BU by reneging on that offer and pulling the old emotional blackmail card.

Oh and I would not be upset to be called a crazy animal person either Grin

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 19:40

For anyone in doubt, look up the ystrad mynach baby case :( not going to link as it is upsetting.

Original poster
smallisland · 03/02/2011 19:41

Why? Because I am not over emotional about animals?

We plan to get a dog when my dd's are a bit older, but not likely to be a rescue dog as I know how common it is that they have behavioural problems. I grew up with dogs in my family. We currently have rabbits guinea pigs, hamsters and fish.

OP posts:
Underachieving · 03/02/2011 19:42

chickchickchicken it absolutly is true that they don't rehome snarlers who have been "traumatised" by kids into homes with a 6 and 4 year old.

I'm failing to understand where you're coming from with this. You think this dog isn't going to bite? Do you have any understanding of what snarling is for?

Vallhala · 03/02/2011 19:45

"Having looked up some rescue dog sites, they all state that rescue dogs should never be given to homes where there are children under 5yrs"

If you worked for the DT you'd know that this is an entirely inaccurate portrayal of rescue and that they all have different policies. I'm an independent rescuer and many of those alongside which I work WILL rehome to homes with children, dependent on both the dog and the nature of the children.

Aims80 · 03/02/2011 19:46

I believe she said 'animal crazy', ie crazy about animals rather than 'crazy animal person'..

IHateLivingHere · 03/02/2011 19:52

"We plan to get a dog when my dd's are a bit older, but not likely to be a rescue dog as I know how common it is that they have behavioural problems"

Are you sure you worked at the Dogs Trust?

My other dog is an ex breeding bitch from a puppy farm and she wouldn't hurt a flea, let alone a child. She had never even met one until she came to live with us.....

chickchickchicken · 03/02/2011 19:52

peeringintothewintryvoid - we must have missed the 'validation' section where you only post if you agree with the OP

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