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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feedback on an old Am I Being Unreasonable thread

78 replies

joshandjamie · 02/02/2011 19:03

In February 2009 I posted this in this topic.

I asked the question whether it was unreasonable of me to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean.

I think it ended up with 470-odd responses. There were some very lovely Mumsnetters who supported me wholeheartedly and went onto to sponsor me and write supportive messages on my blog. But there were a huge number of others who felt that it was wrong of me to do it, that I was selfish and that I'd damage my children.

I just wanted to report back because I was reminded of the post today - and I realised I'd not come back to say how it had gone.

I did the race. I loved it and it gave me a new lease on life. According to my husband and the nanny, the children were absolutely fine - they probably had more fun than normal as the nanny was an arts and crafts whizz and I am rubbish, so they did lots of different things that they wouldn't normally do with me.

When I returned all their clinginess that they used to show at the school gate was gone. They were confident, happy, independent little boys. They'd made me a welcome home banner and a papier mache boat painted just like the one I was on. And then it was like I was never gone and we went straight back to normal.

It's been over a year since I got back and still no repurcussions. They are more aware of the different continents and that people - including mums - can sail boats across oceans, but that's about it. The most lasting impression it's made on them is that we had Vida la vida by Cold Play as our boat song and to this day if they hear it, they shout: It's your boat song!

As for me, yes I missed them while I was on board. But it was manageable and the benefits of doing it outweighed those moments when I wanted to cuddle them. I came back more capable (particularly in fixing things) and more prepared to take on things I previously thought I couldn't do.

So I guess the reason for posting this was just to (belatedly) let the naysayers know that it was a good thing after all and not to be too quick to judge if anyone else in the future asks a similiar AIBU quetion. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion - but sometimes doing things differently isn't all bad.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 02/02/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee2072 · 02/02/2011 19:06

That's absolutely amazing! I wasn't here either but I hope I would have been supportive!

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:07

Surely it's too early to say that to the 'naysayers'?

When your children are teens/adults they may or may not resent your for it.

Hopefully not though.

chipmonkey · 02/02/2011 19:08

Wow, that is brilliant! Grin Well done you! I'm glad you did it.

chipmonkey · 02/02/2011 19:09

Why would they resent her later?Hmm

anonymosity · 02/02/2011 19:10

Congratulations on the trip and the happiness of the family unit. Sounds like you know your family better than a bunch of anonymous typists on the internet with their own agendas / hang ups / assumptions. I expect that's quite a good lesson for us all. Smile

wayoftheworld · 02/02/2011 19:10

Well it just goes to show that you can not live lives on other people's advice only.

Well done you and what an example for the kids as well!!

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 19:10

Well done. And if they resent it as teenagers they can feck off. Nobody would have batted an eyelid if you were a father doing that, but as a mother you are supposed to sacrifice all for your children. I think its an excellent lesson for your boys that mothers are still people and can do things other than wait on them.

Portofino · 02/02/2011 19:11

Why on earth should they resent her for it? Shock. More like they will be proud of her, or alternatively have forgotten all about it. I say well done too! If it had been their DAD that did this, I bet no-one would have said a word, as long the relevant support structure was in place - which it sounds like it was.

difficultcow · 02/02/2011 19:12

I wasn't here either, but well done op, very brave thing to do and i can't really see where any negative post should have come into your thread, not like you were harming you children in any way!

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2011 19:12

Not to stir it up again, but children often don't feel they can say things they know their parents wouldn't like, especially smaller children.

I would be rather sad if my 3 and 5 year old didn't seem to miss what I had to give them for five months.

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:12

I have no idea chipmonkey but none the less it's too early to say that to the 'naysayers' imo.

Personally I don't have an opinion either way on it...people send their little ones off to boarding school without any seperation anxiety so everyone's different.

lubeybooby · 02/02/2011 19:13

Sounds like a wonderful thing to me, as for them resenting you when they are older I had to laugh at that. Ridiculous!

Please come and update when they are teens and confirm that Grin

Well done!

Portofino · 02/02/2011 19:13

5 weeks

TheSecondComing · 02/02/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 19:14

its not too early, its too late, should have told them all to feck off at the time!

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:14

One example of resentment could be they hated spending 5 weeks with a stranger and only seeing Dad just before bed and at weekends.

On the other hand (as I said) they might be fine with it....still too early to say.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2011 19:15

hehe, 5 weeks/5 months, I'd still be sad.

balloonballs · 02/02/2011 19:15

Congratulations and good luck to you!

Portofino · 02/02/2011 19:15

My mum was in hospital for most of my early childhood. I don't even REMEMBER! I am sure that they have not been emotionally scarred for life.

Grumpla · 02/02/2011 19:15

I wasn't here then either so belated thumbs up! I'm glad it went well for you and your kids. It sounds as though they were well-prepared and well looked after throughout, and showing them first hand that women (even mummies!) can do amazing things outside of their role as mum/wife can only be a good thing.

WhatTheDeuce · 02/02/2011 19:15

Well done for being such a great role model for your children and presenting such a positive image, I am sure as teenagers they will have gained so much confidence and self belief which could be attributed to a mother who has shown them how to be capable and has retained her own self as well as being a great mother (extrapolating a little there!)

ecobatty · 02/02/2011 19:17

Good on you.

My mum travelled for at least 3 weeks (in a single stretch) every year since we were tiny and I can genuinely say I never ever resented her for it.

It's actually quite healthy to have an awareness that your mother has her own life and interests imo.

gorionine · 02/02/2011 19:17

When your children are teens/adults they may or may not resent your for it. Do you really think they would resent her for spending 5 weeks away from them? I think it is silly to say that how do 5 weeks compare to the rest of the time she has spent and will spend with them?

TheVisitor · 02/02/2011 19:17

I think it's fantastic that you did it, and it was only 5 weeks out of yours and the children's lives. I bet the kids are so proud of you, and quite rightly so.

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