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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feedback on an old Am I Being Unreasonable thread

78 replies

joshandjamie · 02/02/2011 19:03

In February 2009 I posted this in this topic.

I asked the question whether it was unreasonable of me to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean.

I think it ended up with 470-odd responses. There were some very lovely Mumsnetters who supported me wholeheartedly and went onto to sponsor me and write supportive messages on my blog. But there were a huge number of others who felt that it was wrong of me to do it, that I was selfish and that I'd damage my children.

I just wanted to report back because I was reminded of the post today - and I realised I'd not come back to say how it had gone.

I did the race. I loved it and it gave me a new lease on life. According to my husband and the nanny, the children were absolutely fine - they probably had more fun than normal as the nanny was an arts and crafts whizz and I am rubbish, so they did lots of different things that they wouldn't normally do with me.

When I returned all their clinginess that they used to show at the school gate was gone. They were confident, happy, independent little boys. They'd made me a welcome home banner and a papier mache boat painted just like the one I was on. And then it was like I was never gone and we went straight back to normal.

It's been over a year since I got back and still no repurcussions. They are more aware of the different continents and that people - including mums - can sail boats across oceans, but that's about it. The most lasting impression it's made on them is that we had Vida la vida by Cold Play as our boat song and to this day if they hear it, they shout: It's your boat song!

As for me, yes I missed them while I was on board. But it was manageable and the benefits of doing it outweighed those moments when I wanted to cuddle them. I came back more capable (particularly in fixing things) and more prepared to take on things I previously thought I couldn't do.

So I guess the reason for posting this was just to (belatedly) let the naysayers know that it was a good thing after all and not to be too quick to judge if anyone else in the future asks a similiar AIBU quetion. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion - but sometimes doing things differently isn't all bad.

OP posts:
Goofymum · 02/02/2011 21:52

Ditto what most others have said on here.

Good for you. It sounds as though you have a happy balanced family life and one where it is possible to follow your dreams and have the support from your loved ones if you do. What a good attitude for children to be brought up with.

pombear · 02/02/2011 21:59

I was around as a lurker as usual. What a cool story for your children to tell about you, and what a role model for doing things that are out of the box, and everyone else is doubting you for!

VivaLeBeaver · 02/02/2011 22:02

I was around then and I remember being supportive to you as I'd done a similar trip (not sailing) when DD was 6. I'm glad you had a good time and that the kids were fine.

Original poster
joshandjamie · 02/02/2011 22:07

Thanks again all - and yes, it was the Clipper Round the World. Leg 1 - UK to Rio.

OP posts:
WotzNotNot · 02/02/2011 22:24

Respect Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2011 22:30

Second coming... what a smug and thoughtless comment. Of course they haven't lost the bond with their mother. Five weeks is nothing in a lifetime, not even in a child's lifetime, and they have a mother who has done something remarkable.

softglowsandmaybes · 02/02/2011 22:58

well done for your achievement, i am very impressed and im sure your children will be so proud of you. Like you say, five weeks isn't that long.

I do feel though that as parents we have a responsibility to our children to keep ourselves safe. I am not sure how much risk to your life there was doing what you did so i may be speaking out of turn as it may have been minimal. But i do have to wonder about parents, notice i say parents not mothers, doing high risk sports etc when they have young children. Saying that, i wont get on an airplane and hate getting on a train so i might be a bit skewed in my views :)

TheSecondComing · 02/02/2011 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MCos · 02/02/2011 23:08

OP - good on you!

I'm very new to MN, so funny for me to see the naysayers on even such a positive/good news thread! I guess they hang out on AIBU..

parakeet · 02/02/2011 23:12

This is really interesting for me, because right now I am dithering about a work trip that would be both highly enjoyable and a fantastic career opportunity - but it would involve me going to the States for 10 days.

I have a three-year-old and a five-year-old, and I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I can't bear to think of them missing me. (I currently work part-time by the way.)

I'm not saying I think the OP did wrong, just that it wouldn't be for me. We're all different.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 23:40

TSC, isn't odd how people can't even tell your kidding with the Wink face?
read the thread peeps!

Am I the only one who would jog off on a trip without my children without hardly pausing for a quick goodbye? Blush

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 03/02/2011 00:44

Parakeet - if you have people they are happy with (Daddy/Grandparent/Nanny) they will be fine - I can put money on you missing them far more than they miss you - it really is all me me me for kids, as long as their needs are met and someone is there to run around after them Grin they'll be fine (especially if you say you'll bring presents home Wink).

midtowner · 03/02/2011 01:10

I remember your thread, and am very glad you did it. Great that you have come back to update. Thank you

TryingToFeelBetter · 03/02/2011 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryingToFeelBetter · 03/02/2011 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stovies · 03/02/2011 01:30

I remember your thread. I think I posted that I wished I was brave enough!

Thesecondcoming, don't worry love, I could see you were taking the P.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/02/2011 01:55

Second Coming... Well I read backwards and forwards twice and very nearly missed it... but there you were on page 2... I'm sorry! Blush

makes an appointment at Specsavers and vows to take more water with it

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 03/02/2011 02:02

farking 'ell - if you'll excuse my French Wink

nooooo - that can't have been 2 years ago that thread - surely not? WTF happened to the last 2 years????

Well done OP

Original poster
joshandjamie · 03/02/2011 05:24

Wow tryingtofeelbetter which boat were you on and which legs did you do? I only know 1 other mum who did it. ...

OP posts:
Original poster
joshandjamie · 03/02/2011 05:25

And yes can't wait for the tv series.

OP posts:
brambleschooks · 03/02/2011 05:58

Wow that's amazing. Well done you. My dad was away for months at a time in my childhood and we have a strong bond.
Are the naysayers now going to go on all the armed forces threads and suggest that those who go on tour of duty have no children?
You are an example to your children :)

thelibster · 03/02/2011 06:04

I wasn't here then either, but just want to say, good for you! Well done! Grin

thelibster · 03/02/2011 06:09

I wasn't here then either, but just want to say, good for you! Well done! Grin

abayababe · 03/02/2011 06:11

you sound like an inspiration, well done you, I probably would'nt have had the balls but fair play

GotArt · 03/02/2011 06:58

Fantastic! What an amazing life experience!

Buzz No, you aren't the only one "who would jog off on a trip without my children without hardly pausing for a quick goodbye?" I would, and its not in any way selfish of me to want to achieve my dreams, for anyone who may feel/think otherwise.

"I know that I find it incredibly hard to deal with my own mothers "I sacrificed everything to bring up you and your brother" rants." Don't remember who wrote this, but me too.

Teenagers will be resentful of you telling them to clean up their room, not letting them drive the car or not giving them the allowance their friends get... so Mutz, your kids may or may not resent you for numerous reasons. Chances are, they will, just because they are teenagers.

TSC; "i was here then and was on the 'not for me but whatever floats your boat'philosophy (and still am btw!)
you do realise the lack of clinginess at the gate is because you left them they feel no bond to you. Wink " Ya, still looks like you said there's no bond. Don't understand it any other way even with the winking.