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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feedback on an old Am I Being Unreasonable thread

78 replies

joshandjamie · 02/02/2011 19:03

In February 2009 I posted this in this topic.

I asked the question whether it was unreasonable of me to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean.

I think it ended up with 470-odd responses. There were some very lovely Mumsnetters who supported me wholeheartedly and went onto to sponsor me and write supportive messages on my blog. But there were a huge number of others who felt that it was wrong of me to do it, that I was selfish and that I'd damage my children.

I just wanted to report back because I was reminded of the post today - and I realised I'd not come back to say how it had gone.

I did the race. I loved it and it gave me a new lease on life. According to my husband and the nanny, the children were absolutely fine - they probably had more fun than normal as the nanny was an arts and crafts whizz and I am rubbish, so they did lots of different things that they wouldn't normally do with me.

When I returned all their clinginess that they used to show at the school gate was gone. They were confident, happy, independent little boys. They'd made me a welcome home banner and a papier mache boat painted just like the one I was on. And then it was like I was never gone and we went straight back to normal.

It's been over a year since I got back and still no repurcussions. They are more aware of the different continents and that people - including mums - can sail boats across oceans, but that's about it. The most lasting impression it's made on them is that we had Vida la vida by Cold Play as our boat song and to this day if they hear it, they shout: It's your boat song!

As for me, yes I missed them while I was on board. But it was manageable and the benefits of doing it outweighed those moments when I wanted to cuddle them. I came back more capable (particularly in fixing things) and more prepared to take on things I previously thought I couldn't do.

So I guess the reason for posting this was just to (belatedly) let the naysayers know that it was a good thing after all and not to be too quick to judge if anyone else in the future asks a similiar AIBU quetion. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion - but sometimes doing things differently isn't all bad.

OP posts:

gorionine · 02/02/2011 19:18

forgot . after that

NinjaCuckoo · 02/02/2011 19:18

5 weeks of a parent being absent isn't going to damage a child otherwise every child of every soldier in the world would be fucked up.

Congratulations on what sounds like a once in a lifetime experience - certainly something for you and your family to be proud of.

verytellytubby · 02/02/2011 19:19

I wasn't around but wow. Good for you.

springbokdoc · 02/02/2011 19:20

OP well done!! I think it entirely depends on how something is presented to them - it seems like you have taught them you can do an amazing thing and still be a good parent!

You'll always get people who disagree with what you did - all that matters is how you and your family think of it. I think the positive things you can teach your kids from your experience both now and in the future outweighs any potential negatives.

well done again :)

yogididabooboo · 02/02/2011 19:20

oh i remember that.

I think i said that i wouldn't have been able to but i applaud your bravery.

im glad you went and i am glad it has had such a very positive effect on you and your family.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 19:20

I don;t think her kids will even REMEMBER it Mutz! And they will have learned that women...even Mothers can achieve things and have adventures.

I want my daughters to grow up knowing they can do anything.

Well done OP

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:21

gorionine I keep saying I don't know as it's too early to say.

The 'say' would have to come from the children themselves when they are older...well mostly the five year old as the younger one will probably have no memory unless something traumatic happened.

And before anyone misreads that ^ I'm not saying it did lol.

lisianthus · 02/02/2011 19:21

Well done- how amazing! And what gorionine said.

GORGEOUSX · 02/02/2011 19:25

I wasn't here then, but if I was I would have said do want you want. Well done for having done it.

Of course they won't resent you when they're teens/adults - how ridiculous!

Goodness me, if DC are going to bear grudges about something like that, I fear there will be a lot of MNs on those vile talk shows in the future.

What you did was inspirational and I'm sure they'll talk about it with great pride, always.

cakeywakey · 02/02/2011 19:29

I think what you did sounds fantastic OP. Not here then either but, by the sounds of it, there was probably a touch of about the fact that you were going on an adventure. I bet your DCs are so proud of you.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 02/02/2011 19:33

I remember your thread - it's nice to hear it went well for you and you are glad you made the right decision for you.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 02/02/2011 19:35

Thanks everyone - I really didn't come on here to get a bunch of 'well dones' - just wanted to set the record straight about the impact it had.

In honesty, I don't think my children are proud of me and probably won't be until they're a lot older, if at all - because children are notoriously self centered little things. I'm not looking for their pride. I did it for me.

They barely remember it now and by the time they're grown up they may have just a hazy recollection of a time mummy went on a boat.

But hopefully when they're teenagers or older and are considering taking on a challenge that seems hard, I can call on my own experience to guide them.

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 02/02/2011 19:37

Sounds great.

TSC: 'because you left them they have no bond to you' - seriously? So any parent who is absent for five weeks, that's it, the bond is dead? How about three weeks? How long an absence is enough to mean you have 'no bond'?

TheSecondComing · 02/02/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caramelwaffle · 02/02/2011 19:54

Well done.

DirtyMartini · 02/02/2011 20:05

Oh I see

(Have now got wine in hand ... aaaaaah)

Megatron · 02/02/2011 20:11

That's a fantastic achievement, well done! Glad you went ahead and followed your dream.

mamas12 · 02/02/2011 20:27

What a fantastic outcome!

You are brill. thanks for letting us all know that it was a great and good decision to go.

Why should we as women be tied down with the children in and men are not?

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2011 21:26

Very cool, was it the Clipper?

maxybrown · 02/02/2011 21:30

Oh what tosh. Well done you, sounds fab!

UntitledNo2 · 02/02/2011 21:32

Congratulations! What an amazing achievement. Did you participate in the 'Clipper Round The World' race? I'd love to do that, alas right now it just isn't viable.

I highly doubt it will have had any detrimental effect on your children. Probably the opposite, in fact, as they have a Mummy who will have come back from her five week adventure with a new lease of life, feeling much more content, fulfilled and exhilarated. Yes, I'm sure some posters believe that it is selfish to pursue an interest of your own once you have children, or that you shouldn't need to seek contentment outside of your own family, but really. There is nothing wrong with needing an achievement/experience that is yours, and yours alone. You do not cease to be a person once you become a parent.

FWIW, when my sisters and I were younger, my father worked full time, was away for work often (sometimes for weeks at a time), and was highly involved in community sports training/fundraisers/local events. Some weeks, we didn't see him at all. My Mother also went away with her friends several times a year (and worked full time). We never felt unloved, or neglected, but it was very inspirational for us to see a couple have a lovely family life together, whilst still pursuing their own interests.

Your adventure, should your children remember your five weeks away, will probably be a source of great pride and inspiration to them.

JingleMum · 02/02/2011 21:39

well i think you're amazing and that your children will grow up to be very proud of you.

well done!

thefurryone · 02/02/2011 21:41

Sounds like you had a great experience, good for you.

I would have thought on the whole that children were more likely to grow up resenting parents who were too clingey and whose lives revolved around them, rather than independent people who loved them, gave them attention but who also lived life to the full. I know that I find it incredibly hard to deal with my own mothers "I sacrificed everything to bring up you and your brother" rants.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 02/02/2011 21:51

What ninjacuckoo said re soldiers. And you know what? Not all soldiers are male either!

Well done you, ignore the doom mongers!

BitOfFun · 02/02/2011 21:52

Oh I remember that!

And sent you a fiver

Well done mate- good for you

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