to be miffed he's buying a new car but not paying the gas bill?

[guyane]

Ongoing (D)H issue, just one for the road. He's managed to avoid paying any share of our winter bills so far but is going out to buy himself a new (second hand but 5K's worth) car. Should I sit back and let it go, again? How much un-sharing do you put up with, for the sake of just getting on with running the house/job/children and avoiding argument? Really, this can't be right, can it?

I can see where LB is coming from. Me and DH also have the complete shared pot (although its not a set amount each extra per month - we just each spend within reason until its gone!) But that arrangement relies upon mutual understanding and that ne of us is not going to go nuts and spend it all on ourselves.

It seems like op (forgive me if i'm wrong) you don't have a very respectful relationship and this is just a problem that exemplifies this.

The OP does work in the evenings (at home) and works during the day (at work). Her kids are old enough to keep themselves amused at home (give or take the odd sandwich and conversation). The partner used to prepare their dinner while the OP was working (at home) but needed reminders and expected to be asked to do so. So hubby gained financial benefit from watching OP at work (at home). Nice set up.

Whoever is the biggest bread winner still should pay more of the expenditure.

If you don't want to then fuck him off and get yourself someone who earns the same or more than you.

But I do. Geddit? I do pay more. That's the point.

Not going to argue the toss. Finished now.

My dp doesn't struggle neither does the ops dh. We live in a nice house, eat nice food, both have cars etc.
It sounds more like the op struggles so is basically taking the piss, not paying a fair share, leaving the op with no disposable but the ops dh with disposable.

I mean having the piss taken

I agree with you OP. I would love (and really quite need) something that costs in the region of £6k. Net pro rata, I earn about 1/3 of what DH does. We can't afford it. We certainly wouldn't even consider it if the leccy bill wasn't paid. We have also turned down my parent's very kind offer of buying it and us paying back at £100 a month.

DH would rightly be furious if I went off and bought it regardless.

Is the OP's father giving him 5K to do what he pleases with or to buy a car?

If he's being given the money for a car, conditionally, then he should spend his father's money on a car.

If he's being given the cash unconditionally he should put some into the family pot

If you are that unhappy with your set up, leave or ask him to. shimples

I agree with Hairy, Me and My DH split everything (bills, mortgage, food) equally and whatever we each have left from our own wage is ours to do with what we like. If DH wants to spend what he has left on some crappy games console neither of us end up using (this happens all the time) or I want to spend what I have left on eating out with my NCT friends then we can. We do save an equal amount in our savings account but there's absolutely no way I would pool all my 'spare' money with his or have a joint current account!

We have a joiint account, all the DDs come out of there including savings, the amount we put in means we have the same amount of disposable income each month. Seems the only fair way to me.

Fabby - just to clarify, I understood that the OP had nothing left at the end of the month but her partner, on less money, had money spare because all her money was going on bills but he was only contributing some of his. That can't be fair whoever earns the most, surely even if cash is tight both should have a tiny bit of 'spends'. Have I understood it right?

This is what I don't understand though - those of you who don't just pool everything. Isn't it each according to their needs?

For example, I went back to work last month and needed some new work clothes. Our disposable income went on that. DH didn't buy himself anything really. Next month, though, I might not need anything and DH might need, I don't know, a new phone or something. He'll buy it. We just see how much we've got between us and spend it accordingly.

MissMarjoribanks - presumably if you were going back to work then you were previously living off one wage? In that case I think it's fair enough that the money be pooled in some way - at least for things like buying new clothes for a new job.

DH and I earn similar amounts so we have similar disposable income once we've paid all the bills etc. If we were living on one wage then I guess I would be more pissed off if the little we had went on useless things like bits for game consoles but at the moment I leave it up to him what he spends his money on.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and so when my pay drops I know DH will contribute more to stuff like food costs, but I wouldn't expect him to buy me clothes or make-up or other things like that.

MissMajorbanks I'm responsible for my own clothes and phones etc, he's responsible for his. He's a grown up, he works, he has to prioritise his own spends, as do I.

OP - it does seem unfair in your situation. I guess you'll have to talk to him.

Everyone else - it's an eye opener to see so many different ways families operate. A timely reminder that my way isn't the only way, or indeed the best way! As long as the family is happy with their own set up then fair play.

Hear, hear, Cinnabar.

Although, can someone answer a question? Those who each pay out for bills etc but keep any money which is left over each month to themselves, when one of you earns much more than the other, then what do you do if your partner needs a new coat or new pair of shoes etc? I mean genuinely needs it, not just fancies another pair of Kurt Geigers cos it goes better with the latest outfit they've bought. If YOU are the higher earner so with more disposable cash than your partner, would you happily see him going about in a threadbare, scruffy coat with a hole in his shoe while you flashed your cash and went on fancy nights out with your mates and bought a new nice handbag just cos you had the money to do it?

That's what I was trying to say Curly. If DH and I paid even proportionately for our household outgoings I would have nothing left at the end of the month. I wouldn't ever be able to buy anything for myself.

The reason for that though is we have higher outgoings (particularly our mortgage) because DH earns more. My wage wouldn't even pay the mortgage. This is worse now because I'm working part time post maternity leave, but there's always been an imbalance. But DH knew this when we decided how much house we could buy.

I suppose it only works if you earn about the same or if the higher earner doesn't give a stuff about whether the lower earner has anything for themselves.

Curly - if I need a new coat or new shoes I go and buy them, as does my DH. Maybe I am in the fortunate position where I can afford stuff like that - we both have enough disposable income to afford a new coat if we really need one. I don't really ever spend more than £25 on a coat though and I earn enough to buy stuff I want and need from high street shops.