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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed he's buying a new car but not paying the gas bill?

94 replies

guyane · 02/02/2011 16:49

Ongoing (D)H issue, just one for the road. He's managed to avoid paying any share of our winter bills so far but is going out to buy himself a new (second hand but 5K's worth) car. Should I sit back and let it go, again? How much un-sharing do you put up with, for the sake of just getting on with running the house/job/children and avoiding argument? Really, this can't be right, can it?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 02/02/2011 19:07

How is it greedy to want your DH to pay some of the fuel bills rather than buying a new car? Surely he should be saying to his dad 'I'd love a loan but I need it to pay for the leccy rather than a new car'

The OP is working two jobs to support their family, he is doing one which pays significantly less. So is he contributing in other ways? Doing more of the childcare/cooking/cleaning? No - she's doing most of that too.

How the fuck is that greedy? He's a cocklodger, nothing more.

RantyMcRantpants · 02/02/2011 19:08

Ladybear I was reading this and thing the exact same thing :)

Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:09

And anyway, Fabbychic, it's really not just the money, it's the responsibility, time, energy, and all that stuff. I do it. Does that count for nowt? Biscuit

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 02/02/2011 19:10

Oh, and I am not a meanie. If dp is hard up I pay extra
bills and for treats. When he's flush he pays for
treats and his share of the bills etc. But no way am I handing anyone half of my spare cash at the end if the month!

He's in his first year of self employment and I'm (just) in the high tax bracket.

RantyMcRantpants · 02/02/2011 19:10

Sorry that should be Ladybiscuit and I was commenting on her cocklodger comment. This thread has moved a bit fast and I am reading too slow Blush

Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:10

Oh, cross posted. In my own defence, I don't save any bloody thing because there is no spare cash. Get it?

OP posts:
Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:11

That parting shot was for Fabbychic.

OP posts:
Indith · 02/02/2011 19:13

Really headfairy? See now I think that each person inthe relationship should have the same amount of spending money. I don't work but if I earneda high salary and dh was still on what he earns now then no way would I thinkit fair that I could buy myself lots of treats and he couldn't. I'm not saying that the OP needs to hand over money to her dh, I'd be walloping him over the head for buying a car when he is not contributing in a fair way to the bills but I do think that all things need to be equal (and that would include pulling his weight around the house). Perhaps that is because we don't earn much so one of us deciding to treat ourselves, even to a new pair of shoes or dress for a special occasion, would make a great big dint in the budget. I guess if you don't have to worry so much about putting things into savings then youdon't think about it in the same way.

Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:15

Walloping over the head - now there's an idea. No, really, no entertaining of that idea. None whatsover. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:17

Arf, whatsover, whatsoever, whatever. Smile

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 02/02/2011 19:20

Yes really indith! Pay the larger proportion of bills AND work my arse off AND hand over half my cash? No frigging way!

Things may change when he is a sahd but I save my spare cash at the moment.

Indith · 02/02/2011 19:22

Ok so guyane there is no spare cash then you seriously need to sit down and do a breakdown of income and expenditure with him.

Of course what you do does not count for nothing, he clearly needs to take on more responsibility in all ways, financial and otherwise. There seems to be a lack of respect there. One person should not be carrying the other all of the time. I'm not saying dh and I are perfect at all, right now I'm seething because once again nothing gets in the way of his hobby but I can't even bloody well start one because I don't have money to go to a class and if there isn't a class then somehow I never hacve teh change to do it at home. Anyway, just to say i am not trying to be all perfect, but dh and I sit down at the same time as each other in the evening, our working day finished at the same time because we include housework and children within that. I do the bulk of it because I am a SAHM but he still takes his share. When he gets home he mucks in with bedtime or cooking while I tidy or do the floors and we stop together. One person should not be doing it all and it seems to me that you need to get hese things sorted just as much as the money issue.

Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:22

Indith, I have when 'flush' bought coat, motorcycle, bike, archery set, and holiday for (D)H over the years. His steadfast 15K has meant no reciprocation, not ever and none, and I am just fed up with the WHOLE thing. Just the lot. There. End. Finish. Done.

OP posts:
Indith · 02/02/2011 19:24

Each to their own then hairy :) I just can't imagine keeping things to myself. Maybe that will change if I get a job Grin

Original poster
guyane · 02/02/2011 19:26

Really must go out now. Will check in later. Enjoy Smile.

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 02/02/2011 19:28

I don't keep things to myself. I pay for days out, cinema etc if he isnt flush. He pays if he is. But I am not handing half my cash over.

Indith · 02/02/2011 19:29

I didn't mean you don't have respect for him guyane, I meant that if he isn't taking on his fair share around teh house etc as well as financially then he is showing lack of respect. I do understand that you are fed up of spending on big things for him. Perhaps when faced wit nice black and white numbrs and a fixed budget it might help him to prioritise.

hairyfairylights · 02/02/2011 19:31

Ps. With my ex i did all the work, (he did not work) all the household stuff and he paid a total of forty pounds per week towards the household and he spent the rest of his cash on weed/his hobby Perhaps that's why I'm adamboutsbout not going there again ever!!

Indith · 02/02/2011 19:38

I can see why!

QuintessentialShadows · 02/02/2011 19:44

I think the biggest issue you have, op, is that you think this is an issue. And that tells me that you have a very unequal relationship, and you are generally not very happy with his contributions to your relationship, and I am not talking financial.

We have a strange set up. We dont have a joint accounts, but he has given me free reign over his online banking. I transfer ALL his salary to me, except a few hundred pounds per month. I pay all bills. His salary is bigger than mine by far, but I have the savings, and the house is in my name.

Sometimes he goes out and buys himself new skis, new rollerblades, or other fun stuff.
Or I book myself a weekend away, and buy clothes and shite. We both work very hard. I can handle money, and he cant. But he does not care that I hold all the financial cards, because for us it works this way, and we are a partnership.

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 19:45

hairyfairy I can see you are like you are.

But these two people work, only one earns a pittance whilst the other earns more.

People who WORK should have money to waste on what they want.

It shouldn't be that there are two people bringing money in and one earns significantly more than the other so does not struggle but the other one does.

It's mean.

LadyBiscuit · 02/02/2011 20:25

Fabby - does the fact that she works an extra job in the evening and does all the childcare/housework not count for anything? What you're proposing as a budget is that the OP might end up paying 90% of the household bills so that they end up with the same amount of spending money at the end. I think it really should be a proportion of the income given all the other circumstances.

I don't know your personal situation but I wonder if that may be colouring your responses to this a bit. Apologies if I have that entirely wrong.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/02/2011 20:55

Quint - we have a similar set up. Except that I don't earn anything because I'm a SAHM.

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 21:05

Ladybiscuit a proportion of the wages is dandy, then the OP would be paying more as she earns more.

That would be fairer.

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 21:06

As an aside, the OP works in the evenings but does childcare during the day? So childcare is not a full time job, I have had two children myself and looking after a child at home is easy surely you don't sit on your arse all day doing nothing, you clean house too.

Who looks after the child whilst she works in the evenings? The partner?

Enough said.

To my mind whoever is in the house the most does the majority of the housework it's the way the world works.