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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To know that no one will get over this ever?

27 replies

SacredandProfane · 01/02/2011 17:35

I know I'm not BU but didn't know wherelse to post this I am sorry. Namechanged, had to sorry. Am a MNer,I am not trolling.

A very good friend has done something terrible, had an accident and knocked someone over. Can't say much more as I don't want to affect anything but friend will go to prison probably for quite some time.
Friend is a mess, the poor person who they killed's family. I haven't stop shaking for days and god knows what the poor family feel like.

I just don't know what to do for my friend. I am trying to be supportive but it is so hard knowing what they've done. Could you be there for somebody whatever they had done?

OP posts:
TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 01/02/2011 17:38

Terrible thing to happen Sad

But it was an accident! Of course I could be there for someone under those circumstances.

Is there more to it?

BuntyPenfold · 01/02/2011 17:39

Yes, I think so, if it was an accident.

Quite different if deliberate of course.

I'm sure your friend will be grateful not to be abandoned if you can manage it.

Horrible for everyone. Sad I know how terrible I felt once and I had only shut a child's fingers in the door.

TattyDevine · 01/02/2011 17:39

Were they drunk?

AgentZigzag · 01/02/2011 17:40

If it was an accident then it wasn't anyones fault and just being there to support her is good.

Of course it would depend on what the person had done and what they were to me.

A friend turning out to be a murderer then I would think twice about the friendship.

But if either of my DDs murdered someone, then I would probably stand by them regardless.

Northernlurker · 01/02/2011 17:40

When you care about somebody if they are sorry then yes you can be supportive no matter what the offence. If they don't give a damn then it's much, much harder.

southeastastra · 01/02/2011 17:40

don't think i'd publish anything on a public website for starters

KurriKurri · 01/02/2011 17:40

It depends on how the accident occurred, if it was a pure accident or in some way unavoidable, then I would support of course - it's a terrible thing for everyone involved, but if it was drink driving no I couldn't - to kill someone in that manner is unforgivable IMO.

BitOfFun · 01/02/2011 17:41

Oh God- how sad and awful. Just tragic. But it wasn't deliberate, right? You have to try and stay friends- it's not like she has turned out to be a child molester or something: she is the same person, who has made a terrible mistake that she will never forget, and is facing the consequences Sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2011 17:42

They did stop at the scene, didn't they?

If they were drinking then I would imagine that will just pile more onto the personal hell that they're now going through. I don't know how you would get over that because it would be your fault and nothing anybody can say would change that.

All you can do for your friend is be there for them. Accidents do happen and sometimes the results are awful.

TheSecondComing · 01/02/2011 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verytellytubby · 01/02/2011 17:42

How horrific. If it was an accident, why would you not be supportive?

My best male friend went to prison for 18 months (his own fault, not an accident. Got on the wrong path in life..) and I visited him and wrote every week.

ThatVikRinA22 · 01/02/2011 17:43

if they are going to prison then they must have been convicted of death by dangerous or death by careless or inconsiderate driving?

im sorry your going through this and it must be a horrible shock for all concerned.

wannaBe · 01/02/2011 17:44

well that depends. You say it was an accident in that it wasn't deliberate. But presumably if they are going to prison for it then they were in some way culpable. Not everyone who knocks someone down and kills them goes to prison so I would assume that either alcohol or drugs were involved or they were being wreckless ie driving over the speed limit/talking on a mobile phone.

In time I think I might be able to get over what they had done and support them, provided they were remorseful and given they will have to live with what they have done for the rest of their life. But I think initially I would find it hard given that it was something that could have been prevented.

HuwEdwards · 01/02/2011 17:45

You see I think far too few people really think about driving and how much harm can be done with a car.

I reckon in a hundred years time, historians will look back aghast that the vast majority of adults were legally behind the wheel of a powerful lump of metal, driving it at high speed with distractions such as radio, kids etc. with only a white painted line and a kerb to guide us.

Vanillacandle · 01/02/2011 17:47

I guess it would depend on whether it was a complete accident or whether there was drink or drugs or carelessness involved.

Whatever the reasons for it, fatal accidents are life-changing for everyone connected with them - obviously the victim's family will be devastated, but your friend will have it on their conscience for the rest of their life.

I think you have to give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with what has happened before you can make your mind up about whether to be there for your friend. Once you have calmed down a bit, you can make a more rational decision. If you know the victim's family, you will need to consider how they would feel about you supporting your friend, and how you can explain your decison to them. On the other hand, your friend will need all the support they can get although it doesn't necessarily have to come from you.

I guess what I'm really saying is that you have to be the judge of whether you can get past what they've done, and don't beat yourself up if you decide that you can't.

FabbyChic · 01/02/2011 17:48

If they are going away then it was death by dangerous driving either with or without alcohol.

Original poster
SacredandProfane · 01/02/2011 17:48

Yes they are at fault completely, don't want to give too many details. But devastated by their actions and the consequences.

OP posts:
nufsed · 01/02/2011 17:49

What a horrible situation for all concerned.

If it was an accident with no drink or drugs involved I would have no problem being supportive and staying friends. You can only rely on your knowledge of your friend's character. Some people would condemn you for it, but there should be no shame in supporting someone you care about who has made a mistake.

I knew someone who drove drunk in his late teens, crashed and killed his best friend. He went to prison. I met him in his late twenties. it was still weighing extremely heavily on his conscience and he had become a better man because of it. That probably wasn't any comfort to his friend's family though.

ConnorTraceptive · 01/02/2011 17:50

If they were drunk at the time then no I could not support them but other than that I would try

MassiveKnob · 01/02/2011 17:52

well it would seem to be either drugs or alcohol related.

Support your friend, not what they have done. They know what they have done and will suffer for ever. But be the friend you always have been.

kepler10b · 01/02/2011 17:58

i think you can only continue to be a friend if you feel it in your heart. if they have killed someone through their own fault (as you say) and you feel you can't be their friend then that is another punishment for their actions that they must suffer.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 01/02/2011 18:06

I agree with Kepler.

Stupid actions sometimes have terrible consequences,

GiddyPickle · 01/02/2011 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlymama · 01/02/2011 18:16

I don't think I could decide without knowing more details. What they have done must be pretty bad for prison to be a certainty.

I don't give a huge amount of credit to the fact that this person feels terrible. Of course they feel terrible, they killed someone and are going to prison. It would be very hard to truly know which bit they felt worse about.

PlanetEarth · 01/02/2011 18:21

It surely can't have been a complete accident, or your friend wouldn't be facing prison I think. There must be some degree of culpability - it's up to you how you feel about whatever it was they did, whether it's drink driving, using a mobile while driving, speeding or whatever.

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