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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking he still loves her

66 replies

gobbledegoop · 31/01/2011 23:40

My new man is lovely, his kids are great, they get on well with mine, we have things in common and the sex is amazing BUT.....
i think he is still in love with his wife. Is there any room for me?

They have been separated since april last year officially but i think he only gave up on the relationship around october.

She left him and he is still finding that hard to deal with to tho point that i think he is soooo not over her.

He says i am amazing, so much better than her and any others etc etc but he is still so angry with her and the pain she caused/is causing him. I can tell from the things he says sometimes.

For example, he says this morning he was thinking about valentines day and instead of thinking how he could make our first one special, he was thinking about how she wrote in last years card "i know i'm hard to live with but please don't give up on me" and then she gave up on him the month after....

He says when we are together he couldn't be happier but when we are appart, he cant stop thinking...

I am trying to be there for him but its so hard when i hear how much she is stll able to hurt him, why does he still care so much and why can't he move on??

What should i do??

OP posts:
happiestblonde · 31/01/2011 23:48

I think walk away. I'm sorry, I couldn't do it and it will slowly drive a wedge as well as hurting you day to day. I'm sorry x

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 23:52

Run...kick off your heels and run.. fast.

He isnt free to love you while he still carries the torch for her. You are his rebound, and you are going to end up badly hurt the longer it goes on.

He is being honest with you, and because they have children, he is never going to be totally free from her, so this will forever be on your mind.

You know in your heart that if she suddenly decides she wants him back, he will be off like a shot.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 23:53

oh dear

you should walk away

I am afraid you are the "Rebound Relationship" or "Stepping Stone Relationship" and you are going to get very, very hurt

look after your own heart...he is not over her

whattodonow1 · 31/01/2011 23:55

I think it takes a long time to get over someone you were in love with and even if your not in love with them anymore you would still feel the pain for a long time after.
I wouldn't give up on him just yet but I would talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel.
It maybe that its not love he feels now anyway more anger. It's not even been a year, which isn't long considering they had children together.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 23:57

then too soon to be playing around with someone else's heart and emotions, don't you think, whattodonow1 ?

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 00:01

i have tried to explain to him how it makes me feels when he keeps going on about her and he says he tries not to talk to me about it but he cant help it... he doesnt want the thoughts that pop into his head.

He says he doesn't want to keep having these feelings and that he wants to move on but he thinks he needs help, either from me or a professional, i dont know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 00:03

whoa !!!!

you can't help him with this

red flag

red flag

does "helping" him involve listening to him whine for hours about how awful she is, and that you should overlook any little bad behaviours on his part because of how he has been treated in the past ???

be very, very careful here

Rubyonthetown · 01/02/2011 00:05

When he's with close family and friends, who do you think he's talking about?

You? Or her?

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 00:07

i think he means seeing a counsellor?? but he has said before that i am already helping him to move on. Does this mean i am only 'the rebound' or will he eventually get over her?

OP posts:
Plumm · 01/02/2011 00:07

If he only gave up on the relationahip in October that's 3 months ago and that's no long enough to get over someone you love.

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 00:08

he says he has told his friends all about me and i am meant to be meeting them at the end of the month...

OP posts:
mutznutz · 01/02/2011 00:09

I can honestly say when I started dating my now Husband, he said to me "I bet you must hate your ex for everything he put you and the kids through"...but I genuinely and honestly didn't feel a thing towards my ex..no hatred, no bitterness (and god knows I had every reason to)...no feelings at all...Nada...zilch!

That I think, was a clear sign I was ready to date again. Mind you, it was 18 months after the seperation.

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 00:14

Gobbledegoop, how did you meet each other?

I only ask because I think if you meet through mutual friends you usually have a pre-warned bit of background to go off, but if its a stranger then you are starting off cold, and all you have is their side of a story.

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 00:16

dating site Blush

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/02/2011 00:20

I agree that you probably are his rebound relationship and he is using you to get over her.

I would say that you are happy to be friends but thats all, until he is well and truly over her.

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 00:21

we had a conversation tonight where he was moaning talking about it all and i said he needs to get over it and stop living in the past, look to the future etc and he ended up getting upset and hanging up on me...

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 00:32

I think you know yourself what the answer is.

To me, the fact that he has already spoilt any way for you to be optimistic about valentines day, is the clincher. He has ruined it already by telling you what is on his mind.

Can I be blunt. He doesnt want a relationship with you, he wants you to soothe his ego, tell him he is wonderful, and to rebuild his confidence. He really wants to be back with his wife.

It is way too soon for him to be having a relationship with anyone. He isnt ready, and it is totally not fair on you.

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 00:33

Oh, and its YOUR relationship too... you shouldnt have to feel you are "being there" for someone who is getting over his previous partnership. That is what friends and family do, not new partners.

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 00:42

Walk away. This relationship is all about him and that's not a good relationship.

BEAUTlFUL · 01/02/2011 00:42

i said he needs to get over it and stop living in the past, look to the future etc

Good for you!

and he ended up getting upset and hanging up on me...

Twunt!

Please forget the amazing sex and just move on, right now. Carry on with your lovely life and let him whinge alone, or to the Samaritans, or a counsellor that gets cash to listen to that miserable bollocks.

Catnao · 01/02/2011 01:26

as everyone else said.. you will meet the right one..he is not it!!

Pollo · 01/02/2011 04:46

There is tendency for guys to be able to get over and get on more quickly than women. Remember in Friends when Rachel and Ross were on a break and she flipped when he went with someone else? A friend's mother died and his father married the bereavement counsellor with the year! Women cry, eat chocolate, hide under the duvet (probably with the children in there demanding stories and biscuits), talk to their mothers or friends etc etc. Men just go and find someone else. Sometimes wish I could be a guy... This guy you are seeing has been dumped and maybe he is having trouble coming to terms with it. Sounds like this relationship is not good for you.

AvaBanana · 01/02/2011 05:24

Agree wholeheartedly with what others have said. End it now. No good will come of this.

TyraG · 01/02/2011 06:19

Run...run far, run fast and don't look back.

He's not over her and he needs serious counselling to deal with his feelings for her.

Let's not forget that this isn't just about the two of you, your children are involved as well. The longer you take to get out the more its going to hurt both of your children.

Gemsy83 · 01/02/2011 07:47

Seriously are you desperate? No offence but he talks about his ex, has only got over her in October and you are sleeping with him whilst he goes on about her? WTF???