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Original poster

in thinking he still loves her

66 replies

gobbledegoop · 31/01/2011 23:40

My new man is lovely, his kids are great, they get on well with mine, we have things in common and the sex is amazing BUT.....
i think he is still in love with his wife. Is there any room for me?

They have been separated since april last year officially but i think he only gave up on the relationship around october.

She left him and he is still finding that hard to deal with to tho point that i think he is soooo not over her.

He says i am amazing, so much better than her and any others etc etc but he is still so angry with her and the pain she caused/is causing him. I can tell from the things he says sometimes.

For example, he says this morning he was thinking about valentines day and instead of thinking how he could make our first one special, he was thinking about how she wrote in last years card "i know i'm hard to live with but please don't give up on me" and then she gave up on him the month after....

He says when we are together he couldn't be happier but when we are appart, he cant stop thinking...

I am trying to be there for him but its so hard when i hear how much she is stll able to hurt him, why does he still care so much and why can't he move on??

What should i do??

OP posts:
orangepoo · 01/02/2011 08:02

He can't move on because it is way too soon for him to be seeing someone else.

Relationships (referring to yours with him) ought to start with both people being totally wrapped up in eachother - not with one party thinking of an ex! This is what any future relationship with him will be built on. Don't settle for someone who can't even put you first!

RunawayFishWife · 01/02/2011 08:04

W A L K A W A Y F A S T

PfftTheMagicDragon · 01/02/2011 08:04

What's going to happen here is this:

-If you allow it, he will use you as a counsellor, talking everything out with you, using you to work through his issues.

-You will end up confusing this for closeness.

-As time goes on, he will seem as if he is moving on, you will think that you can both start to move on together.

-He will meet someone else. Having worked out his issues with you, he will feel better and want to move away from anything associated with the past. Including you.

You are a stepping stone for him.

If you really like him, I would tell him that he needs to sort himself out, speak to someone and take some time to get over his previous relationship. Alone. Maybe you can see him again in a year or so, if you are still single.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 01/02/2011 08:12

My current dh met me one month after my last dh dumped me.

It took me a long time to get over my ex as I was very hurt and angry but his patience and steadiness (and counselling) helped a lot.

He did not think my ex was right for me and waited until I realised that.

Our 'rebound' relationship is nearly 8 years old and we are very much loved by each other. Actually it gets better every day. However, we are both very emotionally mature people with no jealousy or neediness.

If I were you, and I'm not so feel free to ignore it, I would stick with him and encourage him to seek therapy. I would also protect myself and have other , fulfilling interests and work.

Right now you dont know if it will end but who does, perhaps you can stay in the moment with him too :)

Stangirl · 01/02/2011 08:20

I agree with what everyone has said, but.......

My own experience shows that there are exceptions. I met my DP under similar circumstances - no kids with either of us however and that makes a significant difference. Anyway - he told me he loved me a couple of months into our relationship but I was really annoyed by how much "pull" his ex seemed to still have over him. I think we rowed on and off about for nearly a year. I think it took him that long to get over her. In between the rows we had a series of wonderful holidays, great sex and I showed him a glittering social life that he had never experienced before. He genuinely much preferred me - but he felt a certain loyalty to the woman he married and a failure for his marriage ending - even though she left him. Anyway - after a year or so things settled down and we decided to buy a house together and start a family. We even became engaged but I decided I couldn't be bothered getting married. About 4/5 years ago his XW's new relationship broke down and she had the bloody cheek to try and get my DP back - with no success at all. DP and I have now been together 7 years, have one DD and another on the way and are v v happy. I feel safe and secure in our relationship and know that I am the love of his life. One other thing which may have a bearing and is different to yoru experience is that although 7 years ago we started seeing each other we had actually known each other for nearly 20 years and he had been in unrequited love with me when we were teenagers - although we hadn't seen each other for 12 years or so when we met up.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

zikes · 01/02/2011 08:42

You've gone too fast too soon, introducing your kids and everything this quickly?

I would back right off.

MsKLo · 01/02/2011 08:47

Am really surprised everyone is saying end it! Just talk to him - HONESTLY - tell him what you fear and let him respond

Don't be so quick to end this, talk to him and be truthful about what you think and then make a decision based on that - don't walk away without talking and even if he says he has feelings that he finds hard to kill, it dent mean he doesn't want to - give this a chance and see?

Let us know what happens when you talk to him - please try to do this - just talk to him!

billybunter · 01/02/2011 08:59

Agree with Pfffft

nomoreheels · 01/02/2011 09:05

It does seem rather soon to be getting seriously involved if he only gave up on reconciliation in October.

He sounds like he is very confused, is hurting and needs a lot of time and help before moving on. You could be a great friend to him but I wouldn't give him too much if he isn't ready to commit to you. Easier said than done I know, but my reaction would be to say "Really like you, but come and see me when you're over her and truly free."

I started seeing my DP around a year after he'd formally separated from his ExW and even that was hard. They didn't have kids or I would have found it impossible, I think. It took several years for everything to be resolved (divorce, feelings, moving on etc!)

gordyslovesheep · 01/02/2011 09:08

totally agree with Zikes - it's not just you that might get hurt but the kids - way to0 much too soon

My ex did the same - he is still with his GF 14mths on but all he ever talks to ME about is how much he misses me, what a mess he's made and how he doesn;t know how to end it with her

he is a twunt - I suspect your BF is to

run away

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 09:37

Thank you everyone. I guess you are not really telling me anything i dont already know.
I do want to be with him but i can't have him crying on my shoulder all the time and putting me last.
I have told him i think he needs to be on his own. He says he doesn't want to end our relationship but that maybe i am right and he is not being fair to me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 09:39

perhaps you could stay in touch and in 6-12 months, if the spark between you is still there, and he has moved on further from his wife....you might have better success ?

nomoreheels · 01/02/2011 09:46

Agree with AF, keep in minimal contact though (or else you may get swept up into it again)

This may hurt now, but it's a whole lot better than being messed around & wondering where you stand.

Good luck to you.

SuperTheoryofSuperEverything · 01/02/2011 09:46

For some reason the fact he has introduced you to his children but not his friends is the thing that concerns me most here.

Rannaldini · 01/02/2011 09:49

no good will come from this

leave him

maxybrown · 01/02/2011 09:56

I agree with Pfft too I am afraid. Hanging up on you, very childish and basically because he didn't get what he wanted from you. I reckon you could end up very emotionally drained from all of this.

5DollarShake · 01/02/2011 11:27

He's not ready for you in his current guise. You need to leave him alone to get over his ex, and only then is there a chance (and only a chance!) that this could work.

:Naff Alert: I don't know if you've ever seen that movie He's Just Not That Into You? There's this whole theme running through it that girls pin all their hopes on the one story, where something similar to what they're going through, works out. In other words, the exception rather than the rule.

LairieFairy's story is the exception - what everyone else is saying is the rule. If you do decide to stay with him then go into it with your eyes wide open knowing this to be the case.

BlueFergie · 01/02/2011 11:35

This man is not ready for the sort of relationship you want....yet.

You need to back off for your own sake. Tone the realtionship way down until he has grieved properly for his last relationship. If it was me I would break all ties but if you can't do this just pare it back to casual/ friends meeting every month or so and get him to go to counselling

newbeemummy · 01/02/2011 11:50

I've been where you are now, and you have two options, walk away or stay put and put up with it.

I took the latter option, although I did try to walk away a couple of times, but found I was so in love with him I just couldn't do it.

If you choose to stay you need to be prepared for a very rocky road ahead. I'll try and list most of the things I've been through

  1. Be prepared to be number 2 ( or 3, 4, 10) for a long time
  2. Be prepared to be compared good and bad with his ex
  3. Be prepared that if they do meet up there could be old feelings at arise and they may want to give it another go (either behind your back, or they may tell you as much)
  4. Be prepared to feel like you're the lowest of the low
  5. Be prepared for comments from parents/friends comparing you to the ex
  6. through his low patches you may go from his closest friend to someone he feels he can't confide in as his thoughts may hurt your feelings
  7. Be prepared to be lied to, or told half truths.

I know this all sounds awful, and it will be a rubbish period, BUT if you really believe this is the right thing to do, and can deal with all the crap you're going to have to deal with which is a choice only you can make, then it may be worth hanging in there. I did and it's taken us 8 years but the last couple of years have been great, we have a lovely little girl, and he has finally moved on, and having been through that rough patch together and made it out the otherside has made us much stronger.

I'm not saying your outcome would be the same, but I do know how hard these head vs heart choices can be, and I wanted to give a different view.

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 01/02/2011 12:04

newbee thank you, i am glad it all worked out for you.

I don't want to fall for someone who can't/wont give himself to me completely so i think at this stage, as i am not in love with him yet, i need to walk away for my own sanity. Already i feel he is emotionally draining me and it's exhausting. I don't want to worry about what he he thinking or more to the point, who he is thinking about all the time.

I really did know all this already but hearing so many of you say it has given me the kick up the backside i needed, thanks!

Time to move on.

OP posts:
christmaswishes · 01/02/2011 12:12

Hi,

He definitely needs time to get over his wife. He hasn't had it so he will never be ready for a new relationship until he's had time and got to the point where he doesn't keep bringing it up every minute.

He might be right for you in the future but just not now.

X

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 15:20

I think you are making the right decision, OP

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 12:00

OMG, i sooo made the right choice!

He has been hounding me with text messages all about what HE wants and what HE needs. Not for a moment considering how i feel or what i might want.

I have told him over and over again that i can't put myself through the pain and heartache that a relationship with him would bring while he is still not over his wife and that i need to put myself and my girls first.

His response to that was "so to make you feel better, you dump me and put me through the heartache instead! Now i see what they mean about redheads... you are being nasty to me...."

Wow! Is he for real??!

OP posts:
kepler10b · 03/02/2011 12:13

i was still in love (and hate) with my ex when i met my husband - that was 8 years ago. i think it is possible to start a successful new relationship when you still have feelings for your ex. however we had no kids together and ex was on other side of the world with no contact.

however i made a mental a commitment to my new partner and that i wanted the new relationship to work.

Original poster
gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 12:18

No kids and ex the other side of the world would be a great help lol Smile

OP posts:
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