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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking he still loves her

66 replies

gobbledegoop · 31/01/2011 23:40

My new man is lovely, his kids are great, they get on well with mine, we have things in common and the sex is amazing BUT.....
i think he is still in love with his wife. Is there any room for me?

They have been separated since april last year officially but i think he only gave up on the relationship around october.

She left him and he is still finding that hard to deal with to tho point that i think he is soooo not over her.

He says i am amazing, so much better than her and any others etc etc but he is still so angry with her and the pain she caused/is causing him. I can tell from the things he says sometimes.

For example, he says this morning he was thinking about valentines day and instead of thinking how he could make our first one special, he was thinking about how she wrote in last years card "i know i'm hard to live with but please don't give up on me" and then she gave up on him the month after....

He says when we are together he couldn't be happier but when we are appart, he cant stop thinking...

I am trying to be there for him but its so hard when i hear how much she is stll able to hurt him, why does he still care so much and why can't he move on??

What should i do??

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 03/02/2011 12:20

woah! Thank god you're seeing this side of him now!

He's got a lot of growing up to do before he's fit for a relationshiup with anyone.

LUCKY ESCAPE (I hope?!?)

Original poster

gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 12:25

I told him that was un-called for and thanked him for making me see i'd made the right decision!!

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 12:34

He needs to grow up. Saying that YOU are hurting HIM!? Cheek of it!

He sounds like he really needs to be on his own for quite a while.

Also he sounds like one of those self pitying guys that always blame the woman and feel hard done by when a relationship ends.

Original poster

gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 12:37

Yes you are exactly right, i was looking through his backdated facebook page yesterday and its all "oh i'm so hard done by, everyone is horrible to me, why am i always the nice guy... its so unfair etc etc! So negative and whingey!
If i had seen that to start with, i would never have gone near him!

OP posts:

portaloo · 03/02/2011 12:44

Sounds like a victim mentality to me.

The bit where he told you that you were better than his ex wife, and any others would have me running for the hills.

Seems he tells you you're better than them, then as soon as you say the relationship isn't working for you, he reverts to telling you you're nasty.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 13:00

what a whinger

lucky escape for you

funny how true colours come out when somebody else takes control of a situation

have nothing more to do with him...he is someone else's problem now

OTheHugeManatee · 03/02/2011 13:16

Wow. It's horrible being dumped, but he doesn't sound ready for a new relationship at all.

Well done for reading him the riot act, OP. You deserve better than to be a sticking plaster for a great mass of self-pity on legs.

Asteria · 03/02/2011 13:22

Bother - I have read the whole thread and had fabulous advice to ram down your throat ONLY to get to the end and find that you have gone and done stuff without me... Me Me Me Me... (sound familiar!! )

Apologies - coffee induced madness!

So pleased that you have put the puppy down - and seen his true colours. Keep focusing on that emotionally retarded streak and you will be fine

Original poster

gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 13:57

Asteria

OP posts:

MoaningMedalllist · 03/02/2011 14:19

Im sure he is hurting, but it would ring alarm bells fro me.

I think I would have pulled him up on the valentines card comment, with a 'nice shes the first person on ur mind this V day' bit of a snipping comment may make him realise the hurt she is causing

LisaD1 · 03/02/2011 14:37

He sounds like my DB, his ex wife left him when his twins were 4 months old (they are almost 3 now) and he still follows what she does with her life, is still very bitter and angry. He has a really, really, lovely gf but I think he will push her away eventually (she's stuck with him for 2 years of this).

I'm his closest sibling, I have tried to make him see that he needs to let go but can't seem to get through to him.

If it were the other way around and his GF was my sister or friend I would be telling her to get the hell out of there.

Original poster

gobbledegoop · 03/02/2011 15:17

Oh i did pull him up on the Valentines bit don't worry!

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/02/2011 18:40

ANother vote for a lucky escape here. His XW probably dumped him becauase he was a self-itying whinyarse, at least you can dump him completely as you don't have DC with him.
Never trust a man who whines about how he's a nice guy who everyone picks on. What this means in practice is resentful, entitled, selfish prick.

Loie159 · 03/02/2011 19:53

i think sadly that whilst he might care for you a great deal he is just not in he right head space to have a full on relationship.... if you were just a casual think then i would say carry on and make sure the time you have is fun. But it seems like its more of a relationship and IMO he is most certainly not ready for this yet. Doesnt mean you are the wrong person just means it could be the wrong time. I think you need to end it and tell him that you dont think he is over ex wife and that you can stay in touch and maybe see how you both are in a year...... If you dont you will have set an unhealthy precedent in this relationsip for him emotionally dumping on you. That way if he just needs time to recover then great and if he / you arent right for each other you have minimised the hurt to both. If he realises you are rebound girl / or you get fed up with all this you will both end up hurting one another on top of all of his existing problems......

Catnao · 03/02/2011 20:11

I loved ny ex when I got with my partner ( was very young though). Glad I stuck eith him. He might get over her?

Catnao · 03/02/2011 20:12

With - not sure what eith is !

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