To be surprised that dd was made to try potato

[Dancergirl]

Dd3 (nearly 4) went to play at a nursery school friend's house one day last week. The mum picked them both up from nursery, gave them lunch and I collected dd later.

When I picked up, the mum commented that dd didn't eat much. I said don't worry and asked what they ate. They had chicken drumsticks which dd ate and potatoes. Dd doesn't eat pototo in any shape or form but the mum said she 'made' dd try a bit and she gagged.

I'm slightly unnerved about this. I wouldn't make a child try something if they weren't keen, especially a visiting child. Would this bother you?

Yes well I have misread..

Bollocks.

sorry.

Heh. That's ok.

Now, do you want some food? I've made it specially

I'm assuming "made" her try some means persuaded her which IMO is not unreasonable.

It's tricky because whilst I don't want to pressure a visiting child into eating something they don't like I am also loathe to send them home without having eaten anything if I have told their parent that they will be fed so I do tend to encourage them to eat something.

Also potato is such a strange thing not to like and since you hadn't mentioned that she wouldn't eat it I expect the mum assumed your DD was being overly fussy rather than had a genuine dislike for it.

The thing is, I WOULD have been delighted if dd had tried potato and liked it. But it was the fact that she gagged that bothered me. She ate the chicken which was the main part of the meal so it wasn't as if she was going hungry. Dd now says she doesn't want to go back to the friend's house because she didn't like the food.

Silverfrog - agree with you about fussy eaters. I really believe they are born not made. My children eat v differently and they were brought up the same. My middle dd is really a PITA to feed and no amount of encouragement or pressure, peer or otherwise will make her try new foods. I have, however, noticed something recently. My friend who is an SLT says that children's sense of smell develops more strongly after the age of 8 or so and this encourages children to WANT to try new foods. I have really noticed this in my dd - she'll often come down when I'm cooking something yummy downstairs and even though (at the moment) she won't try it, she admits it smells nice. I think if I lay off her completely she'll try new things when she's ready.

'OP, I'd really like to know whether or not you told the mother beforehand that your DD will not eat potato'

No I didn't - the matter didn't come up.

If I have a visiting child to stay for tea, I always ask them what they like and make that. Just out of politeness really.

Also, I just don't get this 'try one mouthful' thing. On the occasions I have managed to persuade my own children to try a mouthful they invariably don't like it. It just seems petty to me. I certainly wouldn't try something I didn't like the look of.

Why is it considered polite to try one mouthful and rude to say no thank you?

Dancergirl I think the theory behind trying one mouthful is that with small children, they have to taste something a number of times before they get used to it.

The fact that this had bothered you to this extent speaks volumes! No wonder you have a fussy eater.
Whenever my childrens' friends come over I always tell them that they aren't allowed to say they don't like something unless they have tried it.( I usually ask Mum what foods they like first , so wouldn't serve up something adventurous) And if they try it and don't like it I praise them for trying and take the offending article away.
You would be amazed how many children will eat and enjoy all sorts of foods they have convinced their parents they don't like. One mum sends her daughter here every week to get some nutrition into her- she loves lasagne and fruit here (aswell as playing with dc's) but won't eat it at her home ( I have even made one for her mum to take home and serve up there and she still won't eat it )-. Most fussy eaters are fussy out of habit and the attention it derives. (I am not talking about a child with a few genuine dislikes) So i think it is perfectly acceptable for the other parent to have tried to persuade her to have a mouthful and you are being YABU!

I think that DCs often have their parents wound around their little finger and love the attention. If I had a DC I would still serve them up potato, it is bland, there is nothing much to dislike it isn't as if it is spring greens or parsnip with a strong taste.(whether they eat it or not I would serve it)
I can't believe she forced it physically into her mouth. I think that I would be pleased, potato is such a staple food in UK and people expect to serve it. I would just be pleased that someone tried.

dd2 had no suck/swallow or gag reflex when she was born. (she was tube fed and had to have her airways cleared of saliva regularly to stop herself asphyxiating.)

anyway, weaning was a bit of a mare.

despite this dodgy start, i made her try potato. a lot. mash would make her gag (once her gag reflex came in, it came in with a vengeance and anything in the mouth would trigger it). it took about a year for dd2 to be able to swallow mashed potato, as she eventually managed to over-ride the gag. we used to have one mouthful (and allow her to gg - because then she would be used to the taste/ texture of whatever was in her mouth) and then a second mouthful of the same thing (and concentrate on over-riding the gag).

any nt kid who comes here is encouraged to try stuff they don't like. even at 3.

fwiw, dd2 is 7 now and eats pretty much everything with no difficulty at all. she didn't have much in the way of playdates though, as everyone was too worried about her choking to death on their watch.

i wish other parents would encourage my kids to eat whatever they are having for tea though. ds1 went to a friend's for tea and his mum told me she made him a cheese sandwich because he said he didn't like burgers (or whatever was on offer). i was mortified. but i'd do the same here for a visitor i suppose. i just don't want any of my children to be the ones refusing the fruit of other people's labours.

In my opinion it depends on what you mean by 'she made her' try potato!
Did she hold her nose shut so your dd was forced to open her mouth then shove the fork in?!
Did she threaten to shut her in a dusty broom cupboard if she didn't eat the potato?
If either of those things then no, YANBU.
If however, and I suspect this is more the case, she merely encouraged her to try some potato or asked her to try the potato before getting any dessert or whatever, then YABU.
Saying 'ooh she definitely won't eat any potato' is a bit daft as that way the kid has a perfect get out clause for flat out refusing things they don't want to try!

containher - you misunderstand me - I'm not bothered to 'such an extent' as such, just a little surprised as I wouldn't do that with a visiting child myself.

But I'm afraid I disagree with the rest of your post. SOME fussy eaters may be fussy out of habit but it depends on the child. Although my dd3 doesn't eat potato, the rest of her diet is ok. However my middle dd is, and always has been, a terrible eater. She doesn't do it for attention, I don't give it much attention, and in fact she WISHES she liked more foods. But the more you put the pressure on, the worse it is. Children naturally become more adventerous with food in their own time. I know I did: I was terribly fussy as a child but now as an adult I eat most things.

I cook all sorts of things at home and the food is there for them to try. In the meantime yes it's a pain, yes it's frustrating and yes I wish she ate a wider variety of food. But then I look at dd2 and I see a happy, healthy (she's NEVER ill), well-behaved little girl who does well at school and has friends and activities and is generally a delight...and I think there could be far worse problems to have.

I think it's easy to judge other parents or other children if you're not in that situation yourself. I certainly don't pander to fussiness, I don't make more than one meal. It's just how she is at the moment but children change. I'm sure I'll look back in years to come and wonder what I was worried about!

I certainly wouldn't try something I didn't like the look of.

Oh how I wish I didn't like potato

OP - YABU.

Most people don't try foods they don't like the look of. It's a large part of what makes a food appealing.

Fussiness is often related to past trauma around food and eating - undiagnosed reflux, for example, or oral sensitivity issues. It can also have an emotional basis - I went through an immensely fussy phase when my sister was born (I was 7), reverting to eating baby foods etc . No prizes for guessing what was going on there.

I think it's a bit sad to see people being snide about fussiness. Who knows why any one child is fussy? I was an absolute nightmare of a child to feed and used to stress hugely if I had to stay over at a friends. I turned down many, many invitations because I was terrified of having to try new foods and felt ashamed of my restricted tastes, even when I was quite young (9,10). This had quite a large impact on my social development and I still feel vaguely panicky if I don't have control over my food. I wish it weren't so, but there you go... I continued to have a very restricted diet until I went to university. Now I eat pretty much anything but I am still very wary of tomato ketchup which I remember my mother trying to forcefeed me a spoon of. This extends to tomato bases sauces which is a PITA. I've considered having CBT for it! That might sound ludicrous but it is the truth.

It's not another parent's right to try to make a child eat food or even persuade them strongly to do so. Food issues are a right pain and I'm sure I was a source of annoyance to people who had to feed me over the years but in the end of the day it was stressful and anxiety-provoking for me (I would literally break into cold sweats and feign illness etc) but just a minor annoyance for them for an hour or two.

The more you force a fussy eater, the more likely it is that they will become entrenched in their habits. For many of us, it's about control.. so "making" someone do it can be quite counterproductive. You may think it's "precious" etc but I was anything but spoiled (neglected if anything, chaotic alcoholic home etc) and still had these issues. Thank God I got over them! More or less..

Leave fussy kids alone! That's my plea!

I think kids to have too much choice. We live on an island, quite a vulnerable place to be if we were ever cut off from the world by war again.

I truly believe that we are too flippant about food and wastage these days, when 70 years ago food was rationed beyond belief.

If someone has taken the trouble to prepare and cook food then it's not unreasonable for them to expect their guests to try it politely.

i think, if a visiting child is fussy, it is not your job to try and fix that.

if they don't want to eat something, so what, let them leave it. As long as they're not going to starve it's no biggie. I wouldn't make a child eat something they didn't like, it's not worth the stress.

And I say that as a parent of 2 fairly unfussy eaters.