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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel DD's operation?

65 replies

lastresort · 31/01/2011 22:17

To cut a long story short...DD (4) has been recommended to have an operation on her lazy eye which turns outwards occassionally.

After numerous appointments at Hospital they think she should have op, purely for cosmetic reasons.

I am torn now as they have booked her in for op next week and I feel uncertain.

She has perfect vision, which could be affected by op as there is a chance it could go wrong...as with all ops. Also she will be under anasthetic which scares me.

On one hand, I don't want her to turn round to me in 10 years and say @I can't get a boyfriend cos of my eye and it's all your fault'.
On the other hand, if anything goes wrong, I would never be able to forgive myself.

Am thinking of phonong tommorrow to cancel op, AIBU?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 31/01/2011 22:20

Have you been given the statistics on how successful it is?

Far better for her to have it done now rather than when she is older and more aware.

Sickofthesnow · 31/01/2011 22:20

You're bound to be concerned. Have glasses been no help to your daughter? My step-d had a lazy eye and glasses although very light prescription, are helping to make it work harder to stay in the middle saving her an op.

parakeet · 31/01/2011 22:21

Imagine you are her. What would you have wanted your mum to decide for you?

curlymama · 31/01/2011 22:21

Is there anyone you can talk to that has been through it already?

Sorry, no advice to offer, but can imagine how awful it must be to face a descision like this.

LB29 · 31/01/2011 22:22

Can it be held off for a few years? I would personally wait if possible until she could decide for herself.

QOD · 31/01/2011 22:23

Hmm, I work with a lady who has a lazy eye, she hate hate hates it, people don't know if she is talking to them.

VivaLeBeaver · 31/01/2011 22:23

I think she would hate been a teenager and having a lazy eye and being teased at school, etc. I know an adult with a lazy eye and its very noticable.

The Drs should be able to give you % chances of her vision being affected. GAs are very safe.

Easy for me to say though I know.......I think you need to talk to someone who can give you facts and figures, don't just cancel.

IAPJJLPJ · 31/01/2011 22:24

You MUST have peace of mind. Do what ever it takes to get that. Therefore if (god forbid) something did go wrong would you blame yourself??

VivaLeBeaver · 31/01/2011 22:25

Don't put it off to let her decide in a few years. Better she has it done at 4 when she doesn't have the stress, build up towards it. If you ask her at age 8 if she wants it done she's going to say no. No 8 year old would say they want an operation and if you told her she had to have it she'd be upset leading up to it.

My DD is 9 and hysterical at the thought she may need her teeth polishing next month. She's been crying most nights for the past 2 weeks about it.

TrappedinSuburbia · 31/01/2011 22:25

I understand your fears, but you need to think about the long term benefits to your daughter and how it would affect her if it wasn't carried out.

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/01/2011 22:30

I wouldn't hesitate myself, but I do know adults who didn't have a lazy eye or a squint corrected til being adults, and it was difficult for them in childhood. I personally think it's better done younger when they are less aware than when 8/9/10, but then I am someone who thinks there's a justification for cosmetic things like taking wisdoms out to straighten teeth, correcting squints, ear pinning and so on if you have that chance (if not, no big deal).

I cannot imagine a child in the world who would grow up and not thank their parent for correcting a lazy eye. Unless there is a significant risk (and surely it is absolutely minimal) I would go ahead.

merrymonsters · 31/01/2011 22:31

My 5 year old son had eye surgery on both eyes to correct a squint a few months ago. The idea of it made me feel sick, but the reality wasn't so bad. He was out of hospital the same day and was up and about the next day. His eyes were sore for a couple of days and the biggest hassle was trying to get his eye drops in.

I don't think it's entirely cosmetic. It's corrective. In my son's case, his vision was also fine, but squints can lead to double vision.

I'm really glad that we had it done.

Original poster

lastresort · 31/01/2011 22:33

I do know someone who had this op at 4. Also know someone who had it at 18.

Am scared because she has perfect vision atm and there is a 1 in 10,000 chance that op could damage her sight.
Dr also told that they sometimes do this op and go too far the other way which means her eye will go inwards instead of outwards.

My neice has a friend who is going through a really bad stage at school. she is 12 and has a lazy eye and she is being bullied because of it at school.

Am getting all these conflicting stories and am really confused.

I had a lazy eye when young but I wore a patch which strengthened my weak eye. Why can't DD have a patch? Dr's at hospital say it won't make any difference.

So confused and scared about making wrong decision.

At our last check up at hospital before xmas, I expressed my fears and was told to go home and think about it. Now I get a phone call out of the blue telling me her op is booked and ready to go.

WWYD?

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 31/01/2011 22:35

You must go with your instincts BUT try not to see 'cosmetic' as a dirty word, it can actually make a huge difference to her future quality of life.

activate · 31/01/2011 22:35

I'd do it

without a doubt

I'd do it

what you suffer in stress she will recoup in self-confidence as she goes through school

isw · 31/01/2011 22:36

My DD has an eye that turns. We are in Spain so our system may be slightly different. She is 3 and the local hospital doc said her eye needed an op before she was 4. We got some recommendations and went to see a private eye doc. He said they do not operate until children are at least 6 as the eye is still developing. She has glasses (+3 presciption - no blurry bits or patches) as we have just had her annual review. Could you ask for a second opinion or go a BUPA doc for example?

SaggyHairyArse · 31/01/2011 22:38

My daughters eye turns because she is blind in that eye. I decided that if she wanted the operation she could have it done if and when she chooses too in the future. Her Consultant was very supportive about that.

My DD is 6.5 and to date has not been teased about and she is not remotely bothered. Only you know your DD but don't feel as if she should or shouldn't have it done, you can keep postpoing it til you make a decision you are happy with.

bulby · 31/01/2011 22:39

YABVU for suggesting that she'll never get a boyfriend. Dd is mega short sighted in 1 eye and basically her brain has tuned it out meaning the eye can do all sorts of strange independent manoeuvres, there is no treatment. Yanbu reasonable for having second thoughts but you should be far more sensitive in what you write when you yourself are obviously sensitive about the issue.

risingstar · 31/01/2011 22:39

i would bite the bullet and have the op now.

she will soon get over it, the chances of it going wrong are tiny ( probably less that getting hit by that proverbial bus). In a few days it will be over and she will be able to start school without this hanging over her and you.

put it off and you will just go through all of this again. i have teen daughters- beleive me she will never forgive you.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 22:39

I would say that the doctors have to tell you the risks, even though they are very very minimal.

I think you have to put yourself into your daughters place and worry if she is going to be teased or feel self concious about this in years to come, which I would think she probably will.

I would go ahead with the op if it were me, but I can understand you being worried.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 31/01/2011 22:40

I think you need to speak to someone who can explain why they think a patch wont work for your daughter, until you have that question answered you are going to have very reasonable doubts. I would call tomorrow and explain you need to speak to someone before this happens (if it happens). Like you my cousin had a lazy eye and a patch for several years and she is fine now. I would have to weight up the pros and cons though, a patch for several years isn't much fun either :(

babylann · 31/01/2011 22:42

Personally I would go ahead with the operation. She's young enough now to never remember it. Speaking as someone who has had two operations in the past year, I know how terribly frightening they can be - and I'm an adult who can rationalise a lot easier than a child can.

I don't have a lazy eye but I had other insecurities as a teenager that were much less evident (normal stuff like fat armpits) and I remember how much they could get me down in my hormonal "why am I not perfect?" state of mind, so I can't imagine if I had something that people would be able to see on a day-to-day basis.

I think you would be doing her a great favour by letting her have the operation while she's young enough to forget it and never have to deal with the potential problems she might face at school. Kids can be mean.

And I think the 1 in 10,000 chance of something going wrong is a very positive statistic. Most operations come with risks with much higher chance than that.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 31/01/2011 22:42

bulby - you are being over sensitive - she said she didn't want her daughter to say that in years to come - she didn't say she wouldn't be able to get a boyfriend because of it. It's the kind of thing a teenager will say, even if it's not the reason they are without a boyfriend!

Original poster

lastresort · 31/01/2011 22:48

I think I just don't trust what they are telling me tbh.
DS1 had same prob when he was younger. spent 4 years going to hospital appointments being told that he could not have a patch and had to wear glasses.
After 5 years I took him for an aye test at a new opticians. Was devastated when he told me DS1 was virtually blind in one eye....hospital had never told me this! Was so angry and do not trust hospital's opinions anymore.

OP posts:

bulby · 31/01/2011 22:48

I am generally not a person who gets sensitive about stuff like this but so many of the replies are of the 'oh the poor child will have a terrible time if not' that I can't help it. I can see the point that the op is making and do normally just tell myself that there are so many worse problems, I think it's the flippancy and negative replies of some people that have pissed me' of....so sorry op!

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