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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so mad/disappointed with my husband?

96 replies

Maria101 · 31/01/2011 22:09

OK, so this is a bit of an essay, but I have a 7-month-old daughter and am on maternity leave. I have an amazing NCT group and from the start, four of us started to see each other several times a week. Before I had my daughter I had a very fun job, and found being at home with her in the early weeks quite lonely. But once it settled down, I started meeting up with my NCT friends regularly and started to really love motherhood. We go for breakfast, coffee, walks, trips into town etc. On the days I don't see them, I try to do other stuff, like visiting my mum or mother-in-law. My daughter loves being out and seeing people, and so do I. On a different (but related!) topic, I've also spent lots of my maternity leave doing freelance work to bring in extra money (my type of job allows for this). This started just two weeks after giving birth. I often work in the evenings when she's gone to bed, and at weekends. So yes, I'm having a lovely maternity leave but I'm also bringing in money too. Tonight my husband - who often makes digs about my 'cushy' maternity leave - came home and asked me what I'd done that day. I told him I'd had breakfast with the girls (which I pay for myself) and then we'd gone back to one of their houses for coffee and the babies played. He made a snidy dig about how often I go out and how 'every day seems like a holiday'. While I love my baby, it's still hard work. I take care of her from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. Then I start on other chores, like cooking, housework, life admin etc. For example, when my husband was saying all this, I was making our dinner, as well as boiling up some weaning food. This was after I'd put her to bed and put three lots of washing on. So yes, I have a lovely time with my NCT friends, but I'm taking care of her non-stop, planning my life around hers, and doing all the other crap that goes with running a household. My life is far from cushy. I was also angry because I pay for all these coffes/breakfasts/petrol to take our daughter to see his mother (who I really like, but still) myself. I only pay slightly less than him into the household account (I use my savings) and I pay for lots of the baby stuff (clothes, trips out) myself. I was absolutely furious with him, and things descended into a horrible shouting match. I called him tight (he really is), joyless and mean. He told me he was only still here because of our daughter and that I go out too much and spend too much. But it's my money! And I have savings, and never ask him for anything. I hate to say it, but I'm falling out of love with him day by day. I also resent him for the way he behaved in the early weeks after her birth - playing cricket all day Saturday every weekend (he's the manager). Just 12 days after giving birth I drove him and our baby to his parent's house because he was playing a game near their house. He left me with them all day, and went drinking afterwards, so I had to drive home with an epsiotomy wound and a screaming, hungry baby in the back of the car. When his mum told me - a month or so later - that she thought he'd behaved badly, I confronted him about it and to his credit he apologised. But I wish he wouldn't do it in the first place. Before we had our baby, he was always a bit selfish, but since she's been born it seems to have got worse. But my father left home when I was a child, and I'd hate for my daughter to grow up with divorced parents like I did. But I'm just so angry with him and don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't like discussing him with my friends, because I don't want them to think badly of him. What on earth should I do?

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:36

Jamie, i know, sorry if it appeared i was aiming that comment at you. I agree it is boring sometimes, but you don't have to go to bloody starbucks or costa everyday!! I used to be out every single morning with DD, a different mother and toddler group every day, gave NCT a wide berth because i don't think i would have fitted in. OK the coffee was shite, but the company was good, and it cost, ummmm, nothing - my DD wasn't stuck in a highchair or balanced on my knee while i juggled hot coffee and brioche, she was playing with toys or interacting with other LOs. I was lucky to be able to do that, felt sorry for my DP who didn't. I did it for five years too.

I don't get the whole his/her money thing either, but htat works for lots so who am i to judge.

Saying all that, if we could afford it, my DP would never have criticised me for going to coffee shops everyday but i think he would have probably thoguht it a bit off as I see it all the time, the babies/toddlers are BORED while their mums gas on about shite. I used to do it once a week, i coudlnt have stood it anymore than that. Thats why the good look invented M&T groups. Better than lining Mr Costas pockets

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 13:39

OP can go for coffee every day if she likes........I can go out everyday with my youngest while other two are at school and my DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, OP going out every day s not the issue it s her DH attitude toward her......

Just because you have a 7 month old baby doesn't mean you turn into a hermit.......and besides, since the have a clear divide with their finances, as long as bills/food etc is paid for she can spend HER money on whatever she likes IMO Shock

fedupofnamechanging · 01/02/2011 13:40

I don't recall calling him a cunt. I did say that going to a doctor and counsellor would be non negotiable for me and that he should be making a sincere effort to be putting this right.

So far as I can see, he hasn't had to do much adjusting to his new role. Even though the OP is on maternity leave, she has continued to bring money into the home, so her husband isn't bearing the whole financial burden. She is also doing the majority of the childcare and house stuff. He is being mean and critical of her, just because she is enjoying her life.

brightlight Even if spending money on coffee is a waste of money (and I don't think it is), it is her money to waste. I think that if a couple wants to keep their finances separate, they kind of lose the right to an opinion on what the other person spends their cash on. He is tight with his money and wants to be tight with hers too!

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:45

Witchcraftofthenorth, why the Shock face, there are few of us that haven't been hit but cunty cameron's cutbacks, so i would think that forking out for coffees every day is a bit wasteful, doesn't matter who's money it is. I pointed out quite clearly in my post that i think there are alternatives, that i found more enjoyable. So i didnt say she had to be a hermit, far from it.

Saying all that, my posts do seem a bit unfair on the OP and i dont mean them to be, i do actually side with her, her money, her choice etc etc. Just got drawn into the money argument which is a bit irrelevant really because what is going on here is some pretty worrying behaviour on behalf of her DH, at the very least the relationship could be floundering and that is quite sad because there is a lack of "family" in her posts and they need to be pulling together. That again, is not a criticism of OP, i just htink it is so easy to fall into that role - mum is full time carer and it is pretty all ecompassing, dad goes to work, so head not in family mode during day etc - its important i feel to make time to do stuff as a family, i am willing to bet he feels left out and that is the route of it. Thats no ones fault, thats life, but it can be fixed.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/02/2011 13:45

Mahraih - your post is interesting. I'm sure discussing all of this upfront is the way to go. It's not something me and DH did Blush, and I think it took a lot of working through as things came up. Fortunately there were deep reserves of goodwill between us to draw upon

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:47

sorry karma, i know you didnt say he was a cunt, i said he was a cock earlier, i was calling myself my own equivalent Grin. But you do have a point on the money, it is their decision to be separate so he shoudlnt be commenting.

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:50

actually, apologies to everyone for use of the C word, apart from in reference to Mr Cameron

fedupofnamechanging · 01/02/2011 13:50

Sorry too brightlight. I think I misunderstood you

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 13:55

Brightlights tbh I only did the Shock face because I couldn't see another emoticon that was close to what I wanted to get across lol, I must find other ways to portray that methinks :)

I suppose that is the joys of the AIBU pages, we all end up getting off point by the end of it......and your right it is about the DH and family time, although I have to admit if my DH stuck his finger up at me I would be a wee bit pissed and if he questioned what I was doing all day and what I was spending money on......however every family unit is different. It doesn't take away from the fact that if the OP thinks the relationship is floundering then it probably is and while we are all giving her different pearls of wisdom her DH has to take ownership of his behaviour also?

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/02/2011 13:55

Hang on ladies! This is AIBU. It's just not the done thing to go round apologising to people.

Sorry

Hope OP is OK

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 13:57

Group hug! PSML........

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:58

Well i know this is very unmumsnetter, but witch, i totally agree Shock

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 13:59

steady on!!!

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 14:04

Soooooooooo when does the bitchin start again?.........just asking...........:o

MrsBethel · 01/02/2011 14:04

Blokes have trouble communicating. Here's my take:

He accuses you of having 'cushy' maternity leave. What does that mean?

It's a good for you to be happy, right? Happiness is a good thing. Surely he should be pleased you are happy?

What if this is his way of telling you that he is not having a 'cushy' time. That he is unhappy. Maybe all that testosterone means he can't ask for help directly.

It sounds like he's frustrated. It sounds like that frustration is getting bottled up and that he is venting by having a go at you or by hitting himself. Typical bloke stuff.

Having children means big, irreversible changes to our lives. It's a lot to deal with. Talk to him. Talk to him about how you can both make each others lives as pleasant as possible.

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 14:06

yep see, we have had this whole thread, toing and froing, and along comes Mrs Bethel and sums it all up - great post. Ohhh, im kind of warming to this being nice lark.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/02/2011 14:08

I agree with MrsBethel

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 14:10

Shriek.......move away from the MN pages brightlights don't let it convert you, keep strong, we are all here for you ROFL.......

Sorry, did I take that too far?

OP how are you feeling about things now you have different pov?

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 14:20

Yep, shes not been here for a while (been to starbucks!!!!) Hope you are feeling OK, ignore the coffee stuff, its bollocks anyway - i hope you and your DH manage to sort things out. You loved him enough to make a baby with so thats always a good start xx

notmyproblem · 01/02/2011 15:23

Wait, so her going for coffee every day is somehow indulgent and selfish yet he can fuck off to cricket all Saturday every Saturday?

Something not quite right there...

When's her free day off from kids/family/responsibility?

Oh wait I forgot, she's got it all cushy every weekday or something like that. Must be like some awesome holiday for her. I'm sure she can't wait to start her freelance work in the evening and do all the laundry/cleaning/cooking in the household while her ungrateful husband does his obligatory time with the baby.

Sure the guy may be depressed, self-harming, needing help but above all that he sounds like he needs a kick round the arse.

(Yes this post is meant to be inflammatory, but those of you defending OP's husband as some sort of poor damaged heroic male ego need to give your heads a shake He needs to grow up already.)

brightlightsandpromise · 01/02/2011 18:25

No, i think some of us were just pointing out that there is often two sides to a story and it is quite unhealthy not to consider both sides. The coffee is irrelevant really, even though i bought it up, its an aside. I guess its because i would feel bad if i did that because we can't afford it.

None of us really know what is going on though do we, her husband may be depressed, he may be a cock, only the OP and her husband really know the answer to this.

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