To be so mad/disappointed with my husband?

[Maria101]

OK, so this is a bit of an essay, but I have a 7-month-old daughter and am on maternity leave. I have an amazing NCT group and from the start, four of us started to see each other several times a week. Before I had my daughter I had a very fun job, and found being at home with her in the early weeks quite lonely. But once it settled down, I started meeting up with my NCT friends regularly and started to really love motherhood. We go for breakfast, coffee, walks, trips into town etc. On the days I don't see them, I try to do other stuff, like visiting my mum or mother-in-law. My daughter loves being out and seeing people, and so do I. On a different (but related!) topic, I've also spent lots of my maternity leave doing freelance work to bring in extra money (my type of job allows for this). This started just two weeks after giving birth. I often work in the evenings when she's gone to bed, and at weekends. So yes, I'm having a lovely maternity leave but I'm also bringing in money too. Tonight my husband - who often makes digs about my 'cushy' maternity leave - came home and asked me what I'd done that day. I told him I'd had breakfast with the girls (which I pay for myself) and then we'd gone back to one of their houses for coffee and the babies played. He made a snidy dig about how often I go out and how 'every day seems like a holiday'. While I love my baby, it's still hard work. I take care of her from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. Then I start on other chores, like cooking, housework, life admin etc. For example, when my husband was saying all this, I was making our dinner, as well as boiling up some weaning food. This was after I'd put her to bed and put three lots of washing on. So yes, I have a lovely time with my NCT friends, but I'm taking care of her non-stop, planning my life around hers, and doing all the other crap that goes with running a household. My life is far from cushy. I was also angry because I pay for all these coffes/breakfasts/petrol to take our daughter to see his mother (who I really like, but still) myself. I only pay slightly less than him into the household account (I use my savings) and I pay for lots of the baby stuff (clothes, trips out) myself. I was absolutely furious with him, and things descended into a horrible shouting match. I called him tight (he really is), joyless and mean. He told me he was only still here because of our daughter and that I go out too much and spend too much. But it's my money! And I have savings, and never ask him for anything. I hate to say it, but I'm falling out of love with him day by day. I also resent him for the way he behaved in the early weeks after her birth - playing cricket all day Saturday every weekend (he's the manager). Just 12 days after giving birth I drove him and our baby to his parent's house because he was playing a game near their house. He left me with them all day, and went drinking afterwards, so I had to drive home with an epsiotomy wound and a screaming, hungry baby in the back of the car. When his mum told me - a month or so later - that she thought he'd behaved badly, I confronted him about it and to his credit he apologised. But I wish he wouldn't do it in the first place. Before we had our baby, he was always a bit selfish, but since she's been born it seems to have got worse. But my father left home when I was a child, and I'd hate for my daughter to grow up with divorced parents like I did. But I'm just so angry with him and don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't like discussing him with my friends, because I don't want them to think badly of him. What on earth should I do?

Is there a male variety of PND? Perhaps he is finding a family more difficult to cope with than expected. Just like women with PND aren't bitches, a man suffering from depressions isn't a bastard either. But it does need to be addressed.

It's also possible he is a bit jealous of the time you get to spend at home and with your daughter and wishes he had more of that time as well. Have you looked at the option of him working a day less (it's called a 'daddy day' in my country), with you doing a bit more to cover the financial gap?

Would he swap places with you? I'm sure he would hate to do what you're doing day in day out even though he calls your life cushy. You need time with your friends to stay sane because even though we all love our babies we need adult company too. Even if you weren't paying for everything as you say, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to want to go out now and again. It's payback for all the patience and hard work you put into looking after your baby.

Obviously you need to talk and he should see what things are like from your point of view. Has he ever looked after your baby on his own for a full day? Maybe he'd appreciate you more if he tried it.

It's easy for him to think the grass is greener when he's not the one changing the nappies and coping with teething and weaning etc.

You need to lay it on the line to him that you deserve credit for your hard work as a mum and carrying on with the freelance work. When he behaves unreasonably tell him at the time and try not to lose your temper so you keep the moral high ground! Because you are in the right. If he can't appreciate you, you might have to try counselling or maybe concede that your relationship just isn't working but it's worth giving him a chance to improve.

Dh makes jokes about how lovely my life is, coffees, walks etc...and it is! He may joke but he is happy about that for me. He knows that looking after dd (6 mo) can be frustrating and draining at Tues. I would still rather do it than go to work though. A cliche, but he sounds depressed and maybe a little anxious, not fundamentally bad. Is there anyone he can talk to?

Do you think he would agree to Relate Maria? If he is very tight with money then possibly not I guess.

I think one of the major causes of marital discord is differing attitudes towards money. Someone who has been brought up to be 'careful' with money will find it very hard to relax their rigid rules around it. They also find it hard to see that it's just a differing attitude, to them it's more like they are 'right' and you are careless and frivolous.

How does he respond when you point out that you pay for all this out of your own pocket? Doesn't he ever spend his own money on hobbies or stuff that's just for him, i.e. going to the pub? And what about the cricket, he must have to pay out something for that?

It's a shame he considers fun stuff like pub lunches a waste of money, I mean of course you could always just have a cheese sandwich at home for nothing but that's not really the point is it!

He sounds resentfull of you being at home with your child & meeting friends as well as still earning your own money.

He may see it as you not needing him.

Does he have any holiday leave to take? Maybe you could suggest he takes some time off & spend time doing things as a family to make him feel needed?

I think that's a good point about differing attitudes to money Jacey

Wow.......I know all couples have different ways of doin things but my money is mine and DH money is mine :) jk lol, we share financials.....more worried about this hitting thing though! . My DHwas a selfish b when we got together and it doesn't change but he does realise that as sank it is still blood hard work, and through all the coffee times with the girls and trips in to town, it is not (contrary to what he believed) the laundry fairy that made sure his boxers and socks got washed etc :o I believe my DH had a bit of PND after DD2 and although he didn't hit himself, did exhibit behaviour that wasn't in his usual manner.

My gut tells me that you need to get out and that hubby is jus a bit too wobbly to deal with stuff just now.

Would he be open to the idea of him being a bit depressed?

( if I have crossed posts with others I apologise, takes me ages to type with dd3 wanting to play with computer :o)

God I hate predictive typing, I really should learn to preview posts before sending them jeez! Was meant to be sahm and not sang!

A lot of men have a serious wobble once the baby arrives; but even if your dh is depressed, you can't do anything about it unless he sees it too. Have you talked openly about how he feels now he is a father?

My DH became really obsessive about his ability to provide for the family. In this case, your husband doesn't seem to have this excuse because he isn't actually doing much providing if you're relying on freelance work and savings. If he's your husband, partner and father of your child, why are your finances kept so distinctly apart? I'd be pretty concerned if my husband kept harping on about "his" money, "my" money and then had the gall to comment on how much I was spending. Why are you in a position where you have to use your savings?
At best, he's an unthinking, unsupportive twat, but TBH I think that he's being emotionally and financially abusive.

Self-harming is not to be taken lightly. My advice would be to sit down with him and say you are VERY concerned about it, and ask him to think about why he is so angry, and tell you about it.

Maybe picking a fight with you about your friends is also another sign of self-destructive behaviour?

Sounds like he hates himself at the moment, and you might be able to encourage him to talk because he obviously absolutely adores your daughter, so perhaps gently say 'I would hate dd to have to cope with her Daddy being so upset - she loves you so much'

When you have his attention, suggest a trip to a doctor. If he has private health care cover, he could probably get a psychiatric appointment very quickly, but will have to go to your GP first. If he can't get a psych appointment, the GP may well be able to give him something to help him relax and perhaps see things more clearly.

In your op you spend a lot of time justifying seeing friends during the day. I think you need to keep in mind that this is also important socialisation for your baby - just seeing other people and other babies. My dd is 8mo and I try to make sure that we go out and see others every day because otherwise it's just us in our box and people aren't supposed to live like that. It's handy that you enjoy this too but don't lose sight of how important it really is :)

Seems like there are several issues here. Why is he tight with money and why do you have separate finances now you are a family? Does he expect you to buy everything for you baby as well as yourself? I think you really need to address this because he needs to learn to share and to realise that the work you do as a mother is just as important as paid work.

I think he is jealous that you are at home, enjoying your time on maternity leave. It sounds like you're well organised and in a good routine. Don't feel guilty for that. He needs to acknowledge that he's jealous and make the time he does spend with your daughter count.

Now the punching himself in the face thing. I wouldn't be surprised if someone else in his family does it. My father is another one who headbutts walls. I hit myself in the face as hard as I can (not in front of the children). I can't speak for everyone who does it but for me it is a combination of rage, frustration that I'm trying to say something and not being listened to, self loathing, self destruction. When you get so bad that you hurt yourself it's because all the feelings inside you are so painful you have to feel a physical pain in order to release them. The best way to deal with it is to give the silly bugger a hug and tell them they are being a silly bugger. Getting angry at someone who is so desperate that they are willing to hurt themselves just makes them feel even worse and the cycle continues. Hope some of this helps.

Your husband is supposed to love you and want only good things for you. He should be thrilled that you are enjoying your maternity leave and ecstatic that you are managing to bring some money into the family too. You are doing a fabulous job and your husband should be telling you this, rather than a total stranger.

The way I see it, he's not contributing anything positive to your life and is in fact, sucking all the joy out of you. Your husband should not be jealous of you or bitter and resentful. My DH works incredibly long hours and I am a SAHM. God knows, my DH has his faults, but he would never resent me being at home with our DC. He is happy that I am happy. That is how your H should be with you.

I would have no tolerance for this kind of behaviour. He should not be fucking off every Saturday to play games and then criticise you for having coffee with friends. The punching himself in the face is a totally pathetic way of trying to bring you back into line. You cannot rely on him either emotionally or financially. This is not a marriage imo.
It's two people sharing a house and a baby.

He doesn't sound mentally stable enough to look after his baby. If you do want to stay, then make him go to the doctor and also to relationship counselling. These things would be non negotiable for me.

Tbh I can't see what you are getting out of this. Tight, selfish people are miserable to live with. If even his mum can see his is behaving badly, then that's a big sign.

I would start by making him pay for his share of the baby's expenses. You shouldn't be living off your savings at all, when you have a husband in full time work and you are on mat leave.

I think I'd want out, unless he makes a proper sincere effort to put all this right

Nice lot of understanding in there KB. If he is depressed he is ill and needs help. I've been there and it is horrible, like a cancer eating away at you. I had no idea I was suffering from it until I saw a GP, I just felt self loathing and an inability to cope.

Good luck OP. I think speaking to a GP might be a good start for him.

Bluegrass - it's horrible of both sides of the fence Bluegrass. I know about those emotions, too, but karma has a point about not tolerating someone who feels (we think) those emotions and then takes them out on their partner.

horrible on both sides of the fence

Bluegrass - Not everyone who behaves like an arse is depressed. Some people just behave like an arse.

Yeah right karma, some people ARE just arseholes, but many people who are depressed self harm, and most people who self harm are depressed and need help. You are right Jamie, it IS horrible for both partners, but what is not needed here is the whole, he is a cock, divorce divorce brigade. This is obviously a man who is struggling to cope with his new role in life etc and he may well be depressed as the evidence suggests. My DP had to cope with me and it was awful for him, im just glad he didn't go to an online forum and be told that i am a cunt and to get rid.

FWIW and i am going to get flammed for this and i don't care. Going for coffee every morning IS a monumental waste of money, once or twice a week ok, but everyday - So even if you only have a coffee and nothing else, thats three pounds a day - it adds up. Doesn't really matter who's money it is. But thats just me, i waste too much money on coffee sometimes, its not a criticism.

It's her money though brightlights. Looking after a 7 month old is bloody boring at times. You need adult contact, before they get a bit older and you can't go out for coffee any more!

Why can't you go out for a coffee when they are older?

Nobody told me that!

- well some people can, but in my case one of mine was a nightmare if he had to spend any time in a highchair.

Here here Brightlights. When i got married we made vows together. If one of us stumbles the other promised to be there to help pick them up. I meant every word, and find the immediate "get rid" comments really disturbing sometimes. Do partnerships/marriages mean anything any more, or is this why so many seem to fall at the first hurdle?

For the record, I never said get rid

I've read OP and skimmed the rest of it - it sounds like he is great with your DD, but is horrid with you.

I'm on mat leave and will soon be on just statutory mat pay - so DP will be paying for the household bills while I attempt food and baby stuff. And I have alreday made it clear to him that he is not to get snide about it because that's they way things ARE and it isn't my fault, or anyone's. You're using your savings to pay for HIS baby - is that fair? Is he contributing to baby costs?

Sounds like you and DH need to have soem conversations pronto. DP and I have drawn up a list of reasonable expectations about our relationship, so we're both aware of how we feel about the situation, and what we intend to do for ourselves and each other. The most important are the ones where we acknowledge I'd rather be at work and he'd rather be at home, and also where we make sure we both have the same expectations of me as a mother, and him as a father. Otherwise, you run the risk of miscommunicating badly, and that leads to resentment.

Insist on the conversation: I did, because I could already see DP thinking, "Gosh, I wish I was having a nice 6 months off from work, lucky Mahraih, that's not fair ..." Also, Kate Figes' book, Life After Birth, is great and if you and your DH have time to read it, it really helped DP and I. It explains from myriad points of view, the way that both mothers and fathers feel.

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