To be so mad/disappointed with my husband?

[Maria101]

OK, so this is a bit of an essay, but I have a 7-month-old daughter and am on maternity leave. I have an amazing NCT group and from the start, four of us started to see each other several times a week. Before I had my daughter I had a very fun job, and found being at home with her in the early weeks quite lonely. But once it settled down, I started meeting up with my NCT friends regularly and started to really love motherhood. We go for breakfast, coffee, walks, trips into town etc. On the days I don't see them, I try to do other stuff, like visiting my mum or mother-in-law. My daughter loves being out and seeing people, and so do I. On a different (but related!) topic, I've also spent lots of my maternity leave doing freelance work to bring in extra money (my type of job allows for this). This started just two weeks after giving birth. I often work in the evenings when she's gone to bed, and at weekends. So yes, I'm having a lovely maternity leave but I'm also bringing in money too. Tonight my husband - who often makes digs about my 'cushy' maternity leave - came home and asked me what I'd done that day. I told him I'd had breakfast with the girls (which I pay for myself) and then we'd gone back to one of their houses for coffee and the babies played. He made a snidy dig about how often I go out and how 'every day seems like a holiday'. While I love my baby, it's still hard work. I take care of her from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. Then I start on other chores, like cooking, housework, life admin etc. For example, when my husband was saying all this, I was making our dinner, as well as boiling up some weaning food. This was after I'd put her to bed and put three lots of washing on. So yes, I have a lovely time with my NCT friends, but I'm taking care of her non-stop, planning my life around hers, and doing all the other crap that goes with running a household. My life is far from cushy. I was also angry because I pay for all these coffes/breakfasts/petrol to take our daughter to see his mother (who I really like, but still) myself. I only pay slightly less than him into the household account (I use my savings) and I pay for lots of the baby stuff (clothes, trips out) myself. I was absolutely furious with him, and things descended into a horrible shouting match. I called him tight (he really is), joyless and mean. He told me he was only still here because of our daughter and that I go out too much and spend too much. But it's my money! And I have savings, and never ask him for anything. I hate to say it, but I'm falling out of love with him day by day. I also resent him for the way he behaved in the early weeks after her birth - playing cricket all day Saturday every weekend (he's the manager). Just 12 days after giving birth I drove him and our baby to his parent's house because he was playing a game near their house. He left me with them all day, and went drinking afterwards, so I had to drive home with an epsiotomy wound and a screaming, hungry baby in the back of the car. When his mum told me - a month or so later - that she thought he'd behaved badly, I confronted him about it and to his credit he apologised. But I wish he wouldn't do it in the first place. Before we had our baby, he was always a bit selfish, but since she's been born it seems to have got worse. But my father left home when I was a child, and I'd hate for my daughter to grow up with divorced parents like I did. But I'm just so angry with him and don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't like discussing him with my friends, because I don't want them to think badly of him. What on earth should I do?

He does do stuff for her! Sorry, I think I may have mislead you all... he's a great dad and does lots for her. He's just crap with me at the moment.

This is moving really fast

So he does do a lot with her, but resents you. It sounds like he is taking out his unhappiness on you, and to me, that he may be depressed, unhappy at work, or feeling really guilty about something

Would he go to Relate with you?

Yes, you're right JamieLeeCurtis. He's amazing with her - he pulls his weight and adores her. He's just rubbish with me at the moment.

Your comments following your original post suggest an awful lot of repressed anger going on here on his part. Giving you the finger and punching himself are NOT normal behaviour.

I'm thinking that as much as I'd love the solution for you to be for him to immerse himself in the care of his daugher, to see the joys and appreciate the hardships, until he's tackled what on earth is bubbling under the surface you're not going to make much progress.

Please don't take punishment for what you're doing - by the sound of it merely relishing your baby and making the most of your maternity leave, there is nothing wrong with that.

So what has happened since he punched himself (it was tonight, yes?)- have you spoken to him since then. Where is he now?

It can be a common problem. If baby sick, you are tied to home, utterly exhausted and sleep deprived, then they say they are depressed by their home life.

If you go out, juggle your time well, plan well, make sure you do fun things, then they say it's time the 'holiday stopped' - pure jealousy. I take all this with a grain of salt.

Mine has just suggested that I should try and work at the weekends, actually in something I really want to do, and would love to go to. The reality is that he has a tough job, and really needs the weekend to relax. 2 hours with the kids and he is exhausted and complaining - how is he going to do that for an entire day. I am not going to rejig my life and make commitments for him to tell me on week 3 that it's too much for him and I should give it up.

Yes, you must decide the important things that need changing and keep working at it, and also find a way to keep the good side of your relationship alive. Be realistic about some of your partner's traits and try and work around them/with them. Aim for changes that you think can be made, and resign yourself to certain things that may never be changed.

It does sound like something is eating him up inside..is he hating his job?

The husband of a friend of mine hits himself in the head. Apparently he is prone to feeling victimised in life, and she suspects it has something to do with him feeling life is beating him up OR because he is very self critical, and can't others to criticise him, when he makes a mistake or does something wrong he sort of hits his head and says how stupid he is, and overeacts so instead of criticising him she gives him a cuddle. I don't fully understand but we had a long chat about it one day.

And both my dp and her dh are loving doting Dads.

I have to go to bed now, but TBH I am a bit worried about your situation. Think about identifying someone you could call upon to help, if his behaviour towards himself or you escalates. I hope I'm worrying for nothing. Keep safe.

I think he sees you having a lot of fun with the baby and wonders when HE gets to have fun with her. Instead, he has to drudge off to work every day and in his head he is paying for all your fun. (The fact that you pay for your fun doesn't really register with the male ego I'm afraid). He also has an old-fashioned view of work. The view that holds that you have to work from an office outside of the home, and be miserable doing it, for it to be classed as real work.

If you love him you should think about how you can support a change in his working practices so that he can incorporate a bit of fun into his days too. Please don't write him off as a useless husband and an arse - he's only expressing frustration at his perception that the current arrangement is unfair. You have to help him see that there are other possibilities for his life too. Why don't you ask him if he's unhappy in his work and whether he'd like to change the way he works so that he can pick up a couple of days of baby care a week?

The world of work is changing. Thankfully the feminist revolution has meant that both men and women have started to wake up to the fact that work and life can exist alongside one another. Nowadays there are ways that most people can structure their work so that it's not all drudgery.

I find it a bit worrying that while you say you are 'bringing in as much as him', you also say you are using your savings as well as earnings in order to do so. I know different couples divide their money in different ways, but this seems strange to me, like you owe him something.

YANBU - I have a v similar situation - DP often asks me what DS and I "do all day". I too work freelance (DS is also 7mo and I've been doing it since he was 3mo) to cover my own expenses for coffees/lunches/trips out, gym membership, creche etc and I have just used £1000 of my own savings to have the garden made child-friendly. I anticipate that I will continue to eat into my savings until I return to work as DP's salary just about covers our monthly outgoings and he's constantly overdrawn.

He always insists that I have it easy (I sometimes think I do as I love looking after DS and doing housework; it does feel somewhat like a holiday from work for me - though not every day!) and moans that he has to travel up to London for work - which I used to do as well, even when I was 8mo pregnant - yet he doesn't really immerse himself in what the day-to-day reality of the full time job of nanny, personal shopper, cook, washerwoman, cleaning lady and night nanny involves.

I called him on it at the weekend as although he is a marvellous dad, lots of fun and loves spending time with DS playing, changing nappies, feeding, cuddling etc, he has never spent any time on his own with him. If I have something else to do - haircut/tennis match - he invariably takes DS round to the PIL or to friends with other little kids and invariably forgets to let him have a nap / feed!

I forced him to spend all day Saturday looking after DS with only minor input from me "I think he's tired / he needs some food / nappy change" and he was absolutely shattered at the end of the day. They did go for walks and down the shops and DP made dinner as PIL were coming over - but nothing that involved being anywhere at a certain time, or any housework/laundry.

DP does get the rage (brainstorm, as I call it) from time to time when I say that it would make financial sense for me to go back to work and him stay at home - he grabbed the blade of a knife deliberately to cut himself - so I can't help but think that it's bound up in the whole MAN as protector and provider thing, that I shouldn't be wanting to do that, even though we would be much less stressed about money.

We have also recently made the pact that we will not waste our weekends, but will get up and out early and do lots as a family, rather than sit in the house an only go out to do the big shop, even if it's pouring/freezing. (god, I sound like that dreadful Co-op ad!)

I find that teasing little things out (like his money worries, or his insecurities about earning less than me, losing his job, finding a better paid job etc) gives me some insight into why he gets so resentful of me being at home - his dad is a very driven person and his mum was a SAHM for a while, then went back to primary teaching as it was her vocation, not because they needed her money. So a lot of his control and fear issues are bound up in a gender stereotype from the 70s and 80s. That and the fact that he thinks being at home with DS would be a lovely rest and he's a bit jealous of both the ability to nap during the day with DS (!) and the amount of time DS and I spend together.

Not sure if any of that helps, but can you try to make small changes like talking calmly about money / activities as a family / really sharing the weekend stuff? A couple of months ago I would have thought DP and I were headed our separate ways, but the fun life we had before DS is not gone - just changed into different types of fun now. Also, things will be a lot different when babies start to toddle and then become little children - I know that there will be a lot more we can do as a family that is really interactive.

Good morning Maria. How are things?

belle - your post is interesting - what you say about getting to the root of what is troubling your DH, and getting him to really immerse himself into family life. But I am also troubled by the fact that these men are so emotionally blocked that they are grabbing knives and punching themselves. Life with a toddler gets even more stressful and you need to be sure they are in control of their emotions.

I'm not saying my DH never had a wobble - after our first child was born - he was hating his job at the time - I had PND and was finding I needed him to be home on time - and he started going out after work and not calling me. I think it was a sign of his "rebellion" against the adjustments to our life. Thankfully it was brief.

You need to be sure this is sorted now, before your DCs get any older, and before you contemplate having any more

I've been thinking about this overnight. My DP was a 'young' 28 when we had DS - party animal, many friends with no responsibilities and definitely took a lot longer than me to get used to the fact that life had changed immeasurably.

Being pregnant obviously conditions the woman to the very evident changes happening and those to come, but nothing changes for the man until the day the baby comes home (or maybe even later than that, once all the hoo-ha has died down and it's just the 3 of you).

My mum - who thinks DP is lovely - knows about the times where the argument has escalated to knife-grabbing proportions and after speaking to him, has said she thinks he was very immature and is just now coming to terms with the enormity of the responsibility and changes to his life. (Have to say, it has been 3 months since we last had any 'incidents'.)

DP had been doing the same things he always did - going to work, occasionally going out with friends - and only sees DS at the weekends due to the commute - so maybe it's a lot slower of a process of feeling and accepting change than it is for a mother, and he's kicking out against the fact that he can't have his old life back - plus this new one is really quite tough in terms of the sheer weight of responsibility placed on him.

Slooowww down ladies!! I was all for calling this man a cock of the highest order until i read the bit about him punching himself in the face. Fathers get PND to, or at least some men suffer from some sort of depression after the birth of a child.

Maria, if this behaviour is out of character for him i suggest you try and get him to talk to someone. That is a massive red flag from someone who has suffered PND and used to do that sort of thing mysef .

Also, he sounds jealous - and what you describe is hard work, but it sounds great too i kind of get his jealousy - but its not jealous of you having a cushy life, he is probably jealous of you being able to do the mummy thing while he has to have snippets of Daddy time when he gets in from work, that must be hard.

I believe he behaved like a cock but i think there could be a reason for it.

I think if you explain to him that you are playing with your DD but to save your sanity, you are doing it in the same room as other adults doing the same thing rather than just being home alone all the time.

Explain that your care of your daughter is the same but that actually it's bloody boring and depressing being stuck in the house with no-one else for company and that you're basically preventing yourself from slipping down the slope to feeling really low.

Your DD will also be getting alot out of being in the company with other babies and enjoy the bustle so you're both benefitting.

Acknowledge that he works hard and he's a great dad and don't compare your day to his as it's like the 'who's the most tired' competition - it won't get either of you anywhere.

Also identify that you are both members of a team and that x,y, and z need doing in terms of finances, home and DD and that you feel that you're covering tasks x,y and z and that he's doing a,b, and c or whatever and is it that he feels the balance is wrong?

Try to get to the bottom of what's overwhelming him.....

Oh and pull him up every time he's an arse and say it's unacceptable to talk to you like that.

oh and for what it's worth, my DH has got really nasty for months/years after each of our babies have been born and it's absolutely hell so I do sympathise. I am in the 3rd trimester of another one so I'm really really anxious about it BUT I have worked out how to nip his comments in the bud now and to stop them escalating - I think.

I'm so sorry - it's really annoying isn't it.

You knew he was tight and selfish and joyless before you had the baby. Did you think he was going to have a personality transplant after the birth or something?

The warning signs were already in place and you chose to ignore them.

it is worth seeing things from his point of view a bit. would you be happy to swap roles? if not, why not - that might give you some of your answer.

yes looking after a young child and cleaning the house is hard work but it's also rewarding - you are working for yourself basically and see the results of your labour really first hand. working for a boss in a job you have to go to day in day out and answer to someone and do stuff you might not actually see the benefit of to the world (other than your pay packet) is very different.

i think it would be a better world if the roles could be shared between couples more equally - both do a bit of money work and both do childcare / household stuff.

I have only read the op.

He is a cunt.

kill him.

also does he get appreciated at home? if work is tough and then he comes home and feels taken for granted that would be hard. not that he is expressing himself in a constructive or useful manner. hitting himself on the head sounds like a cry for help and attention and a way to get out some pent up feelings. i used to hit myself on the head when i was in a destructive relationship with a partner who made me feel shit.

my DH has got really nasty for months/years after each of our babies

why stay and have more babies with a really nasty man?

I like the way you take the easiest , most simple route Hully!!
That should do the trick....... Problem solved!!

Shortcuts. He is awful. End of. No point dancing about with ifs and buts, life is too short.

brightlights - I am agreeing with you. But unless he acknowledges and takes responsibility for his depression, if that is what it is, then he will destroy the love she has for him. I have suffered from PND, and lived with a father who has depression. If he doesn't do that then he is a cock

a machete-wielding hully - that is a new one on me. Unless it is a machete of luuurve