Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Sister in Law has "stolen" my chosen name

78 replies

Disappointed1Bambi · 31/01/2011 19:03

Both my sister in law and I confided in each other whilst we having fertility issues, including if we were ever blessed, the names we had chosen. She gave birth today to her son and has named him, the name that we had chosen for a boy. I am still having ongoing fertility issues. I knew when this day came that I would find it extremely tough going emotionally. However, this has been compounded by her "stealing" our name. I really don't even want to go and see them now with the new born. I'm devastated, however my partner just thinks I'm being unreasonable and irrational re it all. I haven't stopped crying all day

OP posts:

freshmint · 31/01/2011 19:05

choose another one. tell her "oh, yes, I used to like that name but I'd gone off it recently"
she's a bitch, don't let her see she has hurt you
actually she is probably just self absorbed as many new mothers are.
poor you

Memoo · 31/01/2011 19:07

YABU, you don't own the name. Do you think you are more upset because you are still having fertility issues whereas she has had a baby? Do understand it must be really hard for you x

belgo · 31/01/2011 19:07

I know it's very hard, but she might nit have done it deliberately. Try and focus on the fact that you now have a new nephew with a very good name.

Good luck to you with your fertility issues.

stoppinchingthedummy · 31/01/2011 19:08

I would say to her "oh i thought you had chosen the name she told u remember that day we told each other what names we would have ..the name you have chosen was my name cue smile

hugs (())

Choufleur · 31/01/2011 19:08

YABU. It's a name. It must be really hard seeing her getting pregnant and then having her baby though while you are still having difficulty getting pregnant though.

CURLYMAMMA · 31/01/2011 19:09

Oh that's awful. Is it possible she forgot? Anyway, can totally see why you feel crap. I hope you feel better soon!

SlightlyTubbyHali · 31/01/2011 19:09

You're not irrational. You're in a tough situation, I sympathise having been there too. It might have been that she just liked that name, and it is the only one she and her DP could agree on, but she should have discussed it with you first (assuming of course that she remembered your conversation).

You're allowed to be upset. But do remember, you've got a new little nephew and a new baby is a lovely thing, even if it hurts at the same time.

MsKLo · 31/01/2011 19:10

I am so very sorry to hear you are distressed - you have every right to be upset. She obviously had another name in mind? Do you know why she would have taken the name you chose? It was very inconsidetate of her to do this and I am assuming you had no clue? I completely understand when you say you debt want to visit - it sounds like you need to ask her some questions such as why did age choose that name and why didn't she just discuss it with you

I wish you all the very best with your journey x

PigeonPair · 31/01/2011 19:10

Ouch.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 19:11

I dont think you are being unreasonable for it to have upset you. I do think your own struggle to get pregnant has probably increased the hurt though.

Freshmints advice is good though. Dont let it eat you up. Go an be the best auntie in the world, and you will pick a name when its your turn that will make you glad you "changed your mind".

onehotmomma · 31/01/2011 19:12

I don't think yabu. I would be pissed off if I discussed baby names with someone and they then choose the name that I was going to choose but that's jmo

MattsBatt · 31/01/2011 19:13

My SIL did this to me too!

YANBU at all. I think it really sucks. She must have realised how difficult this would be for you. However, it IS just a name, and whilst you feel awful about it right now, those feelings will fade.

Wishing you all the luck in the world with conceiving.

cocoachannel · 31/01/2011 19:13

You poor thing- I can totally understand that this has compounded what must be a very difficult time for you.

Take care.

happyhappyjoyjoy · 31/01/2011 19:14

YANBU. Sorry this has happened to you :(

I doubt your SIL intended to upset you, she probably just didn't think. But that doesn't mean the way you feel is wrong or unreasonable right now. Fertility problems are horrible and even the most rational, level headed people find it is difficult to hear about others good news when they're still struggling to conceive. The name thing probably just compounds this for you.

ThreeIsEnoughForMe · 31/01/2011 19:14

Well I think it was very selfish of her to have used the name you had picked in light of the problems you both had conceiving. She should have known it would be hard enough for you to see her with a baby , but to take 'your' name is a bit nasty imo. I know nobody owns a name but in your circumstances I really think she could have behaved better. ((HUGS))

HumphreyCobbler · 31/01/2011 19:15

I would be upset in your situation too.

Of course you know you don't own a name, but given the fact you had discussed it together I am not at all surprised you are hurt.

PrincessScrumpy · 31/01/2011 19:15

I understand why you are upset.

My friend has a boy who is 3 (same as my dd) and dh and I want to use the same name if dc2 is a boy. We chose it when I was pg with dd and she was born before her ds. Even so, I worry my friend will be upset I've stolen the name - dh thinks I'm over-thinking it.

Even so, I do think you sil has been unreasonable and unfair. try to be flattered and move on - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you xx

Notalone · 31/01/2011 19:15

YANBU - she has been incredibly insensitive to you. Did she have a particular name for a boy too?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 19:16

I normally think people are being unreasonable when they are 'precious' about names for children they don't have yet.

But. In this case I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think this is pain that the child you should have (iyswim) with that name is not a reality. And it's that that is hurting you so much. And her choosing this name just slaps you in the face with the reality of it.

I think it is very insensitive of her. Especially considering she also knows the pain of infertility.

MardyBra · 31/01/2011 19:17

Normally I would say that you were bu and that nobody "owns" a name, but having gone through fertility issues together she should have been more sensitive to your feelings imo and not used the name.

MardyBra · 31/01/2011 19:18

But also agree with the good advice to try not to let it "eat you up".

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:22

GROW UP. You are being totally unreasonable, unless you chose a name that you made up yourself and no-one else in the world has it. You do not have a patent on names!

tiredfeet · 31/01/2011 19:23

If you have a name that you love, why go round telling people? My sil started telling me names she liked and it was really annoying as I knew she wouldn't then want us to use those names. But when you pick a name its often a combined process with dh and other factors and the names you thought you use aren't the ones you end up using (well that's my experience).

mommmmyof2 · 31/01/2011 19:24

YANBU to feel hurt by her actions, it is more about how it has happened and you both had a conversation about it so therefore you would think she would have been a bit more compassionate.

But if you both normally get on and this is out of her character then maybe she hasn't remembered.But hope all works out for you, and you are sure to come up with just as equally if not better name good luck

TanteAC · 31/01/2011 19:25

A few months ago I would have told you very gently that YABU.

I could never understand people being precious about names, etc....until my SIL did exactly the same thing (I am also ttc with fertility issues) and as I was cheering when they rang to tell me they had just had a DS, I was gutted when they told me they had named him X, which was MY name (quite unusual, and a name I had always loved)!

I actually felt bereft. As though there was no point in me having the name because I wasn't going to have the baby to go with it.

So YANBU, but there is nothing you can do here. Maybe she remembered the name, but not where she had heard it? Or once you hear a lovely name, it is hard to not use it, or perhaps her DH had aways loved it, etc etc. Whatever it is , I think you would be wise here to remember that when someone hurts you like this, it is easier to attribute the hurt to ignorance rather than malice.

I know that I was so upset because I was ttc. And I actually couldn't sleep or stop feeling anxious until I had sorted it (soooo disappointed!) My poor DH finally understood and so we sat down and picked out another name for a DS. Now we have a lovely name and I am telling no fucker we are keeping it to ourselves this time and I have in my sights the babies we are trying for.

I understand, but you have to let this go. Don't ruin her first emotional days by her worrying that you are pissed off with her, etc.

Good luck x

Flip

1 2 3 4