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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister in Law has "stolen" my chosen name

78 replies

Disappointed1Bambi · 31/01/2011 19:03

Both my sister in law and I confided in each other whilst we having fertility issues, including if we were ever blessed, the names we had chosen. She gave birth today to her son and has named him, the name that we had chosen for a boy. I am still having ongoing fertility issues. I knew when this day came that I would find it extremely tough going emotionally. However, this has been compounded by her "stealing" our name. I really don't even want to go and see them now with the new born. I'm devastated, however my partner just thinks I'm being unreasonable and irrational re it all. I haven't stopped crying all day

OP posts:

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 20:13

Ladies Ladies, play nice. Gorgeousx isn't the only one to have said the op was BU, they are the only one to have admitted they were wrong. Cut some slack, better to aknowledge our mistakes than to stubbornly refuse to budge.
Anyway, good luck OP.

sofaaddict · 31/01/2011 20:13

YADNBU. I am so sorry and can appreciate how upsetting it must feel. As others have said though, it may be that she didn't remember where she had heard the name from, or something like that? Am sure that you will be a fabulous Aunty, and that you'll discover an even better name for your future DC.

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 20:13

falsemessageoflethargy Mon 31-Jan-11 19:45:31
Gorgeousx - you often come onto threads and say something horrid only to recant 3 posts later when someone rebukes you - hows about not posting the horrid thing in the first place?

I agree.

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 20:16

PosieParker the only reason you agree is because I showed you up for what you were in your AIBU thread when you purported to have 'phoned social services to report someone.

NoWayNoHow · 31/01/2011 20:20

YANBU. Firstly, if it were me, I'd be GUTTED if I'd confided to a close family member a name I really treasured and wanted, only for them to take that name. Of course no-one owns a name, but there are thousands of names in the world, and she could have chosen another (maybe the one she SAID she was going to choose!!!)

However, the final kick while you're down is that she not only chose that name knowing it was the name you wanted - she chose it knowing that it was the name you wanted for a baby you are struggling to have. Having gone through fertility issues herself, she must have known how hard this day was going to be for you without any other issues, so to make it worse is just horrible.

for you, and hope everything works out for you.

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 20:22

Gorgeousex- i don't know why these people have decided to have a go at you for apologising but ignore them. Don't let them hi jack the OP story with bitchy comments.

Bogeyface · 31/01/2011 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Katiekitty · 31/01/2011 20:23

eorgeousx - why keep the argy bargy going on an already emotive thread?

OP - I hope you find happiness

falsemessageoflethargy · 31/01/2011 20:23

bettybosseye

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 20:24

You're right Bettybosseye I bow to your wisdom.

CrapBag · 31/01/2011 20:27

YANBU.

This was incredibly thoughless and selfish of her. I cannot see how she would have forgotten about your conversation.

People go on about others not 'owning' a name but I think when you confide in a family member that you have chosen a particular name, it is rude of them to 'take' it, particularly in your situation of having problems. We had fertility issues too and a friend of mine used the boys name we had originally chosen, and told her but we could hardly say anything given as her baby was stillborn.

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 20:28

I don't want to hi jack the thread, just don't see the problem with apologising for saying something you have second thoughts about, surely that's a good thing?
Anyway, maybe we should discuss this on another thread as the OP probably doesn't appreciate us squabbeling.

Wormshuffler · 31/01/2011 20:34

YANBU ...I would be gutted just like you are, good luck with your TTC , I had picked out names for my kids and then when they were born I decided they didn't 'suit' the name and choose something diferent, maybe this will happen for you or you will have girls .......

lovechoc · 31/01/2011 20:36

That's why you should keep any names close to your chest during your whole pregnancy or even before you get pregnant. I never revealed names on both accounts, because it was going to be a surprise. That way you can't face this kind of disappointment.

Just choose another name that you both like - it will work out fine in the end :)

kittybuttoon · 31/01/2011 20:39

Several of my nieces/nephews have the same name as their cousins.

You can still use it.

Try not to take it personally - I'm sure she'd be mortified to think she's upset you this much.

physteach · 31/01/2011 20:41

YANBU... hugs. I hope everything works out for you

Havingkittens · 31/01/2011 20:50

I sympathise Dissappointed1Bambi. One of my oldest friends used the name I had in mind for her daughter. She didn't do it on purpose at all but I had just lost my third baby and it made me feel like shit that she had beaten me to the name I'd had in mind for years. She said "It doesn't mean you can't call your DD that too", but it's not a common name and she's more than an acquaintance, more someone I will be friends with for years to come, so I felt it wouldn't seem right. She's now pregnant again and I am dreading the possibility of her having a boy and calling it the other name that's top of my boy's name list, especially as we were both pregnant last time I saw her and have since had a miscarriage.

Given that this all happened unintentionally I can totally understand why you feel upset with your SIL.

I rather suspect all the posters that have called you unreasonable for feeling this way are the lucky ladies who got pregnant without any problems and have never suffered any loss of a pregnancy. Apologies if I am wrong.

Havingkittens · 31/01/2011 20:53

Sorry, I meant to say - best of luck to you Disappointed1 I hope all works out for you.

theresapotatoundermysink · 31/01/2011 21:06

YABU, but understandably so. I think you should just try and enjoy being an aunty although it may feel bitter sweet at the moment. I'm sure once you meet your DN all this name business will be forgotten. And when you successfully do have DC you will find the perfect name. Any name can be perfect once it belongs to your child.

MarniesMummy · 31/01/2011 21:10

The same thing happened to me with a 'friend', it was just over a boys name (I have 3 DD's).

People may look bck and say 'don't have the conversation' but it's one of the things that crops up when you're pregnant and in the company of someone who you feel comfortable about having that sort of conversation with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing eh?

In a similar circumstance when I was preggers with DD3, we named her v. early on and a handful but not all of our friends knew this was what she would be called. Then a friend had her baby (she was 3 months ahead of me) and used the name we had chosen. I knew she had no idea. In this circumstance we had a lovely conversation and decided that a) you never know what life will throw at you and if you'll be in contact in years to come (obviously less likely as you are family) and b) My DD1's best friend has the same name as her so did it really matter?
Hence our DD's have the same name.

I understand the hurt and I don't agree that because you are TTC that you're somehow behaving less rationally.

It is a big deal but only as big as you let it become.

Could you use your name anyway?

I get the whole bit about not really being able to say to someone 'you used my name' as they'll just say you don't own it. It's about an unwritten trust being broken.

Worry about being the best Aunt possible and deal with your feelings by application of time and thought and chat (with your DP). Your feelings are not irrational.

SmethwickBelle · 31/01/2011 21:11

In your position if I gave birth to a son in the future, I'd use the name anyway. As others have said no one has ownership of it and I really don't think it matters in the wider context.

My eldest son has one of those "top ten" names that means he's already in a nursery with four others with the same names, it's not a big deal, no one gives it a thought and he sees them far more frequently than he sees his cousins.

If relatives raise an eyebrow just say you'd always had your heart set on the name - which is perfectly true.

QuintessentialShadows · 31/01/2011 21:17

Op. Yanbu.

Here is a thought. How about calling your SIL to congratulate her on the birth of her baby boy and say something like.

"Hilary, Congratulations on your baby boy. After all our fertility issues together I am thrilled for you that you now have your little boy. Remember when we were discussing names? I told you how much I loved Jamie, and I hear you have decided to call your boy Jamie rather than Oliver. I still think it is a lovely name, and hopefully I will still have my Jamie one day. In fact, I am considering a Jamie Oliver, so we can tell them apart. I will come and see you in the next couple of days."

Or something to that effect.

You need to keep the moral highground, and not let her realize you are upset. It is not going to change a thing. Even if she were to change her mind, it mind "ruin" the name for you. Better let her know that you STILL plan to use it. It does not matter if there are two Jamies if you both love the name. They are two different boys.

dearprudence · 31/01/2011 21:28

I agree that you can still use the name. I like the way QS puts it.

Can understand why you're upset though.

Northernlurker · 31/01/2011 21:33

What is the name? Can we suggest something like it but different?

WildSheepChase · 31/01/2011 21:35

YADNBU.

My SiL had a little girl earlier this month. While she was prenant I had 3 m/c. When they were thinking of names they rang me up and asked me if I still wanted to use a name that I had mentioned before as it was on their shortlist. I said that if they looked at their daughter and they felt that was her name, then it was perfectly OK.

They chose a different name in the end, but they actually had some CONSIDERATION for a) what I had been through and b) How I might feel if their daughter had a name I had hoped one day to give to my own.

As it is I just simply adore my niece. I have one DS of my own and it was a hard battle to have him (3 m/c before he 'stuck'). I sincerely hope you are successful on your journey and am sorry the awesome experience of being an Auntie has had a painful start. x

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